Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict
Read Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict Online
Authors: Andy Griffiths
Andy Griffiths is the award-winning author of the JUST series,
The Bad Book,
and the two previous novels in the BUM trilogy: The Day
My Bum went Psycho and Zombie Bums from Uranus.
He has also published a non-fiction book for adults,
Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy.
Andy recently gained his basic bum-fighter's certificate from Silas Sterne's Bum-fighting Academy and hopes to become a professional bum hunter when he grows up.
Also by Andy Griffiths
and illustrated by Terry Denton
Just Tricking!
Just Annoying!
Just Stupid!
Just Crazy!
Just Disgusting!
The Bad Book
The Cat on the Mat is Flat
Also by Andy Griffiths
The Day My Bum Went Psycho
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Bumageddon: the Final Pongflict
Also by Andy Griffiths
(with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)
Fast Food and No Play Make
Jack a Fat Boy: Creating a healthier lifestyle
for you and your children
Teacher's notes for
Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict
are available at
www.panmacmillan.com.au
and
www.andygriffiths.com.au
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First published 2005 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited
1 Market Street, Sydney
Reprinted 2005 (twice), 2006
Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2005
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Griffiths, Andy, 1961â .
Bumageddon: the final pongflict.
For children.
ISBN 0 330 42197 2.
1. Humanâalien encounters â Juvenile fiction. I. Title.
A823.3
Typeset in 11.5/14 pt Life Roman by Post Pre-press Group
Printed in Australia by McPherson's Printing Group
Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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These electronic editions published in 2005 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney 2000
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.
Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict
Andy Griffiths
Adobe eReader format: 978-1-74197-003-6
Online format: 978-1-74197-606-9
EPUB format: 978-1-74262-215-6
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Dedicated to everybody who hasâ
or has ever hadâa bum.
A
nd enormous bums will conquer the world and complete and utter devarsetation will follow. Giant brown blobs will rain down upon the earth for forty days and forty nights. An evil stench will cover the land. And bums will rule the world again as they did in their glorious prehistoric past.
from
The Book of Bumageddon
, Chapter 3006, Verse 258, the Sir Roger Francis Rectum edition.
BLOB
Z
ack Freeman looked up and realised that he was about to be squashed by a giant brown blob.
Oh no!
he thought.
Not a giant brown . . .
But that was all he had time to think before the giant brown blob crashed down on top of himâand everybody elseâgathered at the Bum-fighting Academy.
Zack, his bum, his parents, Eleanor Sterne, Silas Sterne, the Kicker, the Smacker and fifty of the best and brightest bum-fighting recruits in the world.
All squashed.
All buried.
All completely giant-brown-blobbified.
BLOBBIFIED
I
t was a sad end to what had been the proudest and happiest morning of Zack Freeman's life.
Not only had Zack just arrived back on Earth after saving the world from a zombie bum invasion and
rescuing his parents from Uranus, but he had also graduated from Silas Sterne's Bum-fighting Academy. In one hand he proudly held his basic bum-fighter's certificate, and in the other a special medal of excellence for his work in the bum-fighting simulator.
Unfortunately, however, none of the challenges Zack had faced so farâeither real or simulatedâhad prepared him for giant-brown-blobbification.
He was way out of his depth.
And sinking fast.
He shut his eyes.
He pinched his nose.
He held his breath.
And then he did . . . well . . .
nothing.
There was nothing he
could
do.
He could hardly move.
The blob was too thick. And too dark . . . or rather, too brown. Pitch-brown.
He didn't know which way was up.
He didn't know which way was down.
North or south.
East or west.
Zack's mind was racing.
He didn't want to die.
Not yet, anyway.
And especially not inside a giant brown blob.
What if the giant brown blob set hard and became a fossil?
And what if he became a fossil inside the giant brown blob?
And what if one day in the future they dug it up, cracked it open and found him?
He didn't want his body to be put in a glass case and displayed in a museum for schoolchildren to laugh at. âEeerggghhh, yuck!' they'd say. âBlob-boy! Look at the disgusting blob-boy!'
Then again, perhaps that was better than
not
being found and having to spend eternity trapped inside a giant brown blob . . .
Zack shuddered at the thought. With a mighty effort he brought his mind back to the present. He had to stop worrying about what
might
happen in the future and start focusing on what was happening to him
right now.
And fast.
Zack smiled ruefully as he realised he was still clutching his bum-fighter's certificate. He'd been so proud to receive it, but in this situation a bum-fighter's certificate wasn't even worth the paper it was printed on.
Or was it?
Paper.
The word triggered something inside himâbut what? What use was paper?
Suddenly an image of his grandfather flashed into Zack's mind. Percy Freemanâone of the world's first bum-fighters: the Wiper. Armed with only a few rolls of toilet paper and an enormous load of courage, he had wiped some of the deadliest bums on the planet.
Paper.
Wiper.
Even as Zack's oxygen-starved brain was shutting down, the two words forged a fragile, but life-saving, bond in his mind.
Zack knew what he had to do.
He brought the piece of paper up in front of his face.
And started wiping.