Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (6 page)

Zack was silent.

‘Zack?' said Ned. ‘Did you hear me? I gave you a direct order!'

‘I'm sorry, Ned,' said Zack. ‘I cannot obey that order.'

‘Fine,' said Ned, lunging towards Zack. ‘Then I'll obey it for you!'

Zack watched Ned as he sailed towards him, as if in slow motion.

Ned's heavy body knocked Zack sideways.

But not before Zack's shaking finger had squeezed the bum-gun trigger.

As Zack fell, a volley of bum-gun bullets sprayed the nest. The newly hatched bums—at least, the ones that weren't hit by the bullets—scattered like a flock of startled birds.

‘You idiot, Zack!' yelled Eleanor. ‘Now look what you've done!'

Zack ignored Eleanor, jumped to his feet and kept shooting until all the bums lay dead in the mud.

Well,
almost
all of them. All except for the white one.

‘Zack!' said his bum. ‘It's still alive!'

‘Where is it?' yelled Zack. ‘Where did it go?'

‘Over there!' said his bum, pointing.

Zack turned.

The mutant hatchling had already moved just out of range.

Zack squelched through the slime after it, shooting all the while.

But it was fast.

And agile.

Zack's bullets hit the mud and the water around the bum as it rolled first one way and then the other.

As much as Zack hated the Great White Bum, he had to admire it. Even at this early age it was already clearly a survivor.

And even as he had this thought, the hatchling flew into the air and took off into the sky.

Whether it was the first time in the history of the Earth that a bum had left the safety of the mud and taken to the air, Zack had no way of knowing. But he wasn't about to let it get away.

‘Robobum!' Zack yelled at the top of his voice. ‘Hurry!'

B
ut Robobum was already in the air.

Even before Zack had finished speaking he was engulfed by Robobum's matter-transporting beam. In an instant he found himself sprawled on the control room floor along with Ned, Eleanor and his bum.

‘Follow that bum!' said Zack, picking himself up and rushing to the viewing screens.

‘Affirmative,' said Robobum. ‘Tracking system locked on. Hold tight.'

Zack grabbed the temporal navigator to keep from falling backwards as Robobum shot up into the air.

The sky was beginning to turn from blue to black as Robobum flew higher and higher in pursuit.

‘Ned!' said Eleanor. ‘We're leaving the atmosphere!'

‘Don't worry,' said Ned. ‘Robobum is space-travel ready and full of stinkant juice. We can go anywhere. But I'm not sure this is such a good idea.'

‘We've got to finish what we started,' said Zack.

‘What
you
started,' said Eleanor.

‘Maybe we should just let it go,' said Zack's bum.

‘No,' said Zack, his eyes burning. ‘We have to do whatever it takes. Go wherever we need to go. This is the most important bum hunt in history! If we can catch this bum, there won't be any need for anyone to catch a bum ever again. Without the Great White Bum inciting bums to rebellion, bums across the
univarse will be able to work
with
their bodies instead of against them.'

‘But
I
work with you,' said Zack's bum.

‘
Now
you do,' said Zack. ‘But it hasn't always been that way, has it?'

Before Zack's bum could reply, Robobum suddenly turned steeply.

‘Changing course,' said Robobum.

‘Ouch!' said Zack as he lost his grip on the navigator and fell face first against the bumcam screens. The other bum-fighters fell right on top of him, powerless to resist the intense B-forces unleashed by the dive. Zack could see that the tiny white bum was now heading back towards the ground. But not for long.

Zack was close to blacking out when Robobum changed course again. This time the bum-fighters fell hard against the back wall.

Then Robobum changed course again.

And again.

And yet again.

The bum-fighters were being thrown around like dirty socks in a washing machine.

Zack felt his head smash against something hard.

There was a huge crash.

And then silence.

‘O
UCH!' said Robobum. ‘That hurt!'

Inside Robobum, her hapless occupants lay on the floor and blinked stupidly at one another.

They tried to remember who they were.

They tried to remember where they were.

They tried to remember why they were where they were.

Zack's bum was the first to fully reorient itself.

‘Zack!' it said, jumping onto his lap. ‘Wake up!'

Zack looked at his bum dumbly.

‘Pleased to meet you,' he said, extending his hand. ‘My name is Zack.'

‘I know who you are!' said his bum, slapping Zack's hand away. ‘It's me—your bum—remember?'

Zack tried to focus on the small pink excitable bum in front of him. It looked familiar, but he was having a lot of trouble remembering why.

‘You look like somebody I know . . .' said Zack.

‘Maybe this will jog your memory,' said his bum, huffing in Zack's face.

The obnoxious odour sent Zack into a doubled-over coughing fit, but when he'd come to, he remembered exactly who he was. And exactly who
it
was.

‘Why, you . . .' he said to his bum, reaching out to strangle it.

‘Steady, Zack,' it said, jumping out of the way. ‘You were delirious. I had to do it. I'm sorry.'

‘Not as sorry as I am,' said Zack, stifling another coughing fit. Beside him, Eleanor and Ned were coughing and returning to their senses as well.

Zack rose to his feet—a little dizzy from both the bad air and the blow to his head. He staggered to the bumcam screens.

He could see that they were in a lush bumnut-tree forest. The bumnut trees were enormous—taller than any he had ever seen—their thick brown fronds blocking out the sky.

‘I don't believe it,' said Ned from behind him. ‘I don't believe it!'

‘What?' said Zack.

Ned was bent over the temporal navigator. ‘I don't know how this has happened, but the temporal navigator indicates that we are deep in the heart of the late Cretaceous period.'

‘What does that mean?' said Zack's bum.

‘It's 65 million years BC,' said Ned, still shaking his head in wonder.

‘You mean we just travelled through time?' said Eleanor. ‘Forwards?'

‘It would seem so,' said Ned, scratching his beard. ‘It appears that we're exactly where we need to be.'

‘Thanks, Ned!' said Eleanor. ‘You're a genius!'

‘I didn't do anything,' said Ned. ‘Thank Robobum!'

‘Thanks, Robobum,' said Eleanor.

‘I cannot take credit for this outcome,' said Robobum. ‘Thank Zack.'

‘Me?' said Zack, rubbing his head. ‘What did I do?'

‘When you fell, your head hit the temporal navigator control panel,' said Robobum. ‘The force not only initiated time travel, but at the same time fixed the loose screw that caused the 585-million-year error on our last trip.'

‘I did all that?' said Zack, proudly.

‘It was the
least
you could do,' said Eleanor.

‘What do you mean?' said Zack.

‘You know exactly what I mean,' said Eleanor. ‘It was the least you could do to make up for the botched attempt to kill the Great White Bum.'

‘At least I tried,' said Zack. ‘Better to try and fail than never to have tried at all.'

‘No,' said Eleanor. ‘Not in this case. In this case it was better
not
to try than to fail. You just made an enemy of the Great White Bum.'

‘What are you talking about?' said Zack. ‘He wasn't exactly our friend to begin with!'

‘No,' she said. ‘Because you tried to kill him.'

‘You've been trying to kill him for a lot longer than I have,' said Zack.

‘Oh, really?' said Eleanor. ‘I seem to remember that it was
you
who fired the first ever shot at him.'

‘Huh?' said Zack.

‘Five hundred and eighty-five million years ago,' said Eleanor. ‘And if my memory serves me correctly, I also seem to remember that you
missed.
'

‘Ned dived on me,' said Zack.

‘I was just trying to stop you from creating a bigger problem than we already had,' said Ned.

‘What could be bigger than Bumageddon?' said Zack.

‘Bumageddon didn't exist at that moment,' said Ned. ‘You were way out of line and way off mission. You might have killed the Great White Bum, yes, but by doing so, you might also have completely altered the course of bumolution and erased the possibility of humans even evolving.'

‘Would that have been such a bad thing?' said Zack's bum.

The bum-fighters all turned and glared at Zack's bum.

‘Just joking,' it said quickly.

‘I was only trying to do what I thought was best,' said Zack quietly.

‘Yeah, well, no more heroics,' said Eleanor. ‘You might have a certificate and a medal, but bum-fighting is a team effort, and the sooner you realise that, the better.'

Zack nodded dejectedly.

Maybe she was right.

Suddenly the silence of the forest was broken by a horrendous howl. The ground began to shake around them.

‘What's that?' said Zack's bum, as the howl sounded again, even closer this time.

‘I don't know,' said Zack. ‘But whatever it is, it sounds like it's in pain.'

‘Robobum!' said Ned. ‘Can you identify what is making that sound?'

‘Insufficient data,' said Robobum.

Ned stood up and began rifling through a collection of books on an overhead shelf. He selected a thick volume called
What Bumosaur is That?
and began
quickly leafing through the pages. ‘Uh-oh,' he said. ‘If I didn't know better I'd say that's the sound of a tyrannosore-arse . . .'

‘And here it is!' said Eleanor, as the image of an enormous, throbbing red bum, its cheeks lined with two rows of huge, sharp, dagger-like teeth, appeared on the screens and began charging towards them.

Z
ack stared at the bumcam screens. He had seen some terrifying and unpleasant sights in his short career as a bum-fighter, but few as terrifying—or as unpleasant—as this.

‘What are you waiting for, Ned?' said Eleanor. ‘Get this hunk of tin moving!'

‘Robobum is not a hunk of tin,' said Robobum. ‘I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. And I am self-wiping!'

‘Spare us the details,' said Eleanor. ‘Just run!'

‘Unable to run,' said Robobum. ‘Currently performing damage assessment.'

‘No time for that now!' said Ned. ‘Move!'

But it was already too late.

Zack stared, transfixed and sickened, as the tyrannosore-arse cheek-butted Robobum and sent her flying through the bumnut-tree forest.

Zack, Eleanor, Ned and Zack's bum were thrown violently from one side of Robobum to the other. They landed heavily on top of each other as Robobum came to rest wedged between two bumnut trees.

‘Do you think it's finished with us?' said Zack.

There was another howl and then the ground started to shake again.

‘I suspect it's only just begun,' said Ned, looking up from his guidebook. ‘It says here that the tyrannosore-arse likes to play with its food . . . before eating it.'

Through the upside-down bumcam of Robobum, they could see the tyrannosore-arse crashing towards them again.

‘If this is playing then I'd hate to see it when it gets serious,' said Zack's bum.

‘Me too,' said Eleanor. ‘Switch to manual control, Ned!'

‘Good idea,' said Ned.

‘Bad idea!' said Robobum. ‘Strongly recom—'

Robobum's voice was shut off mid-sentence as Ned pulled down on a lever.

‘Done,' said Ned.

‘Then what are we waiting for?' said Eleanor. ‘Go!'

‘I'm trying,' said Ned, ‘but we're wedged between the trees!'

‘Hurry!' said Zack, watching as the enraged tyrannosore-arse opened its cheeks again and clamped them down hard over the top of Robobum.

Everything went dark for a second and then they felt Robobum being lifted free of the trees.

‘That's got it!' said Ned.

Suddenly the room was filled with light as the tyrannosore-arse hurled Robobum through the air once more.

This time, however, Ned was able to activate Robobum's ‘flight' program and they hit the forest floor running.

‘Good going, Ned,' said Eleanor as Robobum dodged bumnut trees and leapt over rivers and bogs.

‘It's still chasing us!' said Zack, listening to the loud, outraged howls close behind them.

‘Relax!' said Ned. ‘This is just a walk in the park for Robobum. Wait till I really get this baby going.'

‘I wouldn't do that if I were you,' said Eleanor, placing her hand on Ned's to stop him opening the throttle.

‘Why not?' he said.

‘Look,' said Eleanor, her eyes wide.

D
irectly in front of Robobum was another tyrannosore-arse, even bigger than the one chasing
them. And not only was it bigger, it was redder. And louder. It pawed the forest floor angrily, howled and charged towards them.

Ned didn't hesitate.

He pushed the emergency stop button, sending them all piling towards the bumcam screens.