Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (14 page)

‘But,' said the Great White Bum, ‘a Great White Bum as beautiful—and rare—as you should have a ceremony fit for a Queen. I suggest we get married in the new world when there will be more time to have the sort of wedding you deserve. A beautiful wedding gown made out of the softest, whitest toilet tissue in the world, a giant fluffy pink toilet seat cover for your throne, and a bouquet made out of human heads . . .'

‘No,' said Robobum. ‘I may be a little old-fashioned, but as a single female it wouldn't be right for me to travel alone with you. If we can't be married first then I must refuse.'

At this the Great White Bum visibly softened.

‘But of course,' he said. ‘If that is your wish then that is how it shall be. I have spent a lifetime searching for you—I'm not going to let a small detail like this come between us.'

As the Great White Bum spoke he was leaning in closer and closer to Robobum.

‘He'll squash the bumantula if he's not careful,' said Ned.

‘Is he about to do what I think he's about to do?' said Eleanor.

‘What?' said Zack's bum.

‘He's going to kiss us!' said Eleanor, her eyes wide.

‘Gross!' said Zack's bum, covering its eye with both hands.

But the Great White Bum's cheeks had barely
touched Robobum's cheeks when the ground began to shake in a series of violent tremors.

‘What's that?' said Zack.

An ear-splitting bellow followed by a series of loud pounding noises disturbed the romantic atmosphere.

‘Uh-oh,' said Ned. ‘Looks like Romeo's got some competition.'

Zack stared at the awesome creature stomping heavily along the canyon edge towards them.

It was the biggest, chunkiest, most muscle-bound bum Zack had ever seen. And definitely the ugliest. It was covered in thick black bristly hair, except for a bare leathery patch of skin on each cheek. The hairy beast was beating on these patches with its huge fists and bellowing ferociously.

‘Oh no,' said the Great White Bum, pulling away from Robobum. ‘Not this
bozo.
Not
now
!'

‘W
ho is it?' said Robobum, who had no matching files to help her recognise this terrifying bumosaur.

‘Stink Kong!' said the Great White Bum. ‘My old enemy. Look how the bumnut trees wither and die as
he approaches. He should be ashamed of himself! What a disgusting pig!'

‘That's rich, coming from him,' whispered Eleanor. ‘But then I guess it takes one to know one.'

‘I'm sorry, my love,' said the Great White Bum apologetically to Robobum. ‘I'm going to have to take care of this ugly ape once and for all. Things could get a little rough. You might like to stand aside and cover your eye.'

‘Whatever you say,' said Robobum. ‘Good luck!'

Robobum reversed as far as she could and drew her hand up across the bumcam concealed on her roof.

‘No!' said Ned. ‘Don't do that! We want to watch!'

Robobum obediently parted her fingers.

The fight was already in full swing.

Stink Kong was pounding the Great White Bum like a punching bag. The Great White Bum grabbed Stink Kong in a death-hug and threw him to the ground.

Zack could feel the ground shake, even through Robobum. ‘Why doesn't he just gas Stink Kong and get it over with?' said Zack.

‘That only works on animals and humans,' said Zack's bum. ‘We don't have noses, remember?'

‘But what about Stenchgantor?' said Zack. ‘It had a nose. I defeated it with a pair of dirty socks!'

‘All right, all right, enough already about how you defeated Stenchgantor with your dirty socks,' said Eleanor. ‘It was a great achievement, but do you have to go on about it?'

‘You're just jealous,' said Zack.

‘Yeah, right,' said Eleanor. ‘Jealous of your total
lack of personal hygiene. I guess I can only dream of having feet—or a bum—as smelly as yours.'

‘Hey!' said Zack's bum. ‘That's out of line.'

‘Yeah?' said Eleanor. ‘What are you going to do about it?'

Zack's bum bent over and was about to zap Eleanor when there was a huge earth-shattering crash.

Zack looked up to see the Great White Bum lying on his back and Stink Kong jumping up and down on him as if he were on a trampoline.

‘That Stink Kong sure has some form,' said Ned. ‘But I don't think that using the Great White Bum as a trampoline is such a good idea.'

Suddenly Stink Kong was blown high into the air by a giant brown geyser emitted from the centre of the Great White Bum.

‘That's why I didn't think it was a good idea,' said Ned.

Zack heard a hissing sound behind him.

He turned and saw the Mutant Spew Lord totally engrossed in the fight, punching the air with his remaining arm and hissing ‘Yesss!'

Then, without warning, Robobum began to rise into the air.

‘Robobum?' said Ned. ‘What are you doing? I didn't tell you to lift off!'

‘Negative,' said Robobum. ‘Robobum is not lifting off. Robobum is being carried away by a large bumodactyl.'

‘Oh, great!' said Ned. ‘
Bumodactyls.
That's all we need!'

W
ithin moments Stink Kong and the Great White Bum were just tiny figures sparring on the far side of the canyon a long, long way beneath them.

‘Activate thrusters, Robobum!' said Ned.

‘Negative,' said Robobum. ‘Thrusters are not responding.'

‘Turbo-assisted jet repulsion unit!' yelled Ned.

‘Negative,' said Robobum. ‘Turbo-assisted jet repulsion unit damaged by the bumantula.'

‘Have you got anything?' said Ned through gritted teeth. ‘Anything at all?'

‘Of course,' said Robobum. ‘I have onboard tea-and coffee-making facilities. Would you like milk with that, madam? Sugar? One lump or two thousand? Yes, it is a very nice day. I am Robobum. Ro-bo-bum. RO. BO. BUM. WITH. MILK.'

‘What's going on, Ned?' said Zack. ‘What's wrong with Robobum?'

‘Poor old girl, she's been knocked around a bit too much,' said Ned. ‘Sounds like her higher speech and thinking functions have been scrambled, and her thrusters and turbo are out of action.'

‘Is there anything we can do?' said Eleanor, staring at the bumcam image of the bumodactyl's leathery cheek-wings as they pushed down on either side of the screen.

‘I don't think so,' said Ned, studying his
What Bumosaur is That?
book. ‘Bumodactyls are powerful. Says here an adult bumodactyl can have a wingspan of up to 50 metres. Its wings are made of a membrane that stretches from its finger to its back legs. And they're methane assisted!'

‘A brilliant design!' hissed the Mutant Spew Lord.

‘When we want the opinion of a mutant we'll ask for it,' said Eleanor coldly.

‘Some of them are toothless,' said Ned, still reading from his book, ‘while others have hundreds of bristle-like teeth lining their long, razor-sharp beaks . . .'

‘Ned,' said Eleanor. ‘Thanks for the lecture. It's truly fascinating. But what I want to know is can we fire something at it?'

‘I'm afraid not,' said Ned. ‘The bumodactyl is directly above us. There is no artillery in the roof.'

‘It doesn't matter,' said the Mutant Spew Lord. ‘I wouldn't give up on the Great White Bum yet. He won't abandon Robobum that easily. He'll save us.'

‘You sound like you're on his side,' said Eleanor suspiciously.

The Mutant Spew Lord laughed. ‘Once upon a time,' he said. ‘But no more. Anybody can make a mistake.'

Eleanor stared at the sad heap of flesh and sticks and leaves in front of her.

‘Body?' she said. ‘You call that a
body
?'

Zack groaned. ‘Uh-oh,' he said. ‘That doesn't look good.'

‘You're telling me,' said Eleanor.

‘No,' said Zack. ‘Look at the screen.'

Eleanor looked at the screen. They were flying towards an enormous bumcano. The bumcano was ringed by an impressive collar of sheer black stone rising many thousands of metres straight up. It made the Great White Bum's bumcano look like an anthill.

As they drew closer, the bum-fighters could see bumodactyl nests wedged in amongst the ledges of the rock-face.

And, even more worryingly, they could see the heads of hungry bumodactyl chicks eagerly poking out of the nests, opening and closing their razor-edged cheeks.

‘I never thought I'd hear myself saying this,' said Zack, ‘but I hope the Great White Bum gets here soon.'

T
he bumodactyl flew up the face of the bumcano. It flew until it had reached almost the highest point, where the rock met the smoking mouth of the vent. There, in a nest so large that it looked like it was constructed out of tree trunks, were more bumodactyl chicks.

Three of them—each a rusty red colour. And each with a razor-sharp beak.

They were so excited by the arrival of their meal that they were practically leaping out of the nest.

‘So, what's our plan?' said Zack.

Ned laughed without humour. ‘Plan? That assumes that we knew this was going to happen. I'm not too worried about the chicks. I doubt they'll be able to do much damage to Robobum's exterior . . .'

‘Famous last words,' said Eleanor. ‘That's what you said about the bumantula, and look what happened.'

‘Fair go, Eleanor,' said Ned. ‘I'm doing my best. This isn't easy for anybody, you know. We're all in uncharted territory here.'

‘I'm sorry,' said Eleanor, biting her fingernail. ‘I guess the thought of becoming a bumodactyl snack has got me a little tense.'

‘I don't think you're going to have to worry about that,' said Zack's bum as the bumodactyl placed Robobum down on a ledge a short distance above the nest. ‘At least not for a little while.'

‘So, we're not going to be eaten?' said Zack.

‘Not yet,' said Ned. ‘Looks like they're starting with an entree.'

Eleanor peered at the image of the nest on bumcam . . . and screamed. The bumodactyl that had brought them there was dangling a small pink bum above her babies' beaks.

‘Aaaggghh!' screamed the helpless bum.

‘That's my bum!' yelled Eleanor, leaping to her feet. ‘I've got to save it!'

‘Don't be a fool!' said Zack.

‘Look who's talking,' said Eleanor. ‘You'd save your bum if it was down there, wouldn't you?'

Zack looked at the wildly snapping beaks of the bumodactyls and hesitated.

‘Well?' said his bum. ‘Wouldn't you?'

Zack looked at his bum. And then back at the bumodactyls. And then back at his bum. ‘I suppose so,' said Zack, uncertainly. ‘But those things will eat you alive!'

‘Better that than knowing I didn't try to save my bum when I had the chance,' said Eleanor, already standing in the teleport beam.

Zack sighed. ‘Hang on,' he said. ‘I'll come with you.'

‘Be careful, Zack,' said his bum.

‘Of course,' said Zack. ‘ “Careful” is my middle name.'

‘No, it's not,' said his bum. ‘It's Henry.'

‘Shush,' said Zack. ‘I thought I told you never to say that ever again.'

‘Sorry, Zack,' said his bum. ‘Your secret's safe with me.'

‘And me,' said Eleanor.

‘And me,' smirked Ned.

‘And me,' said the Mutant Spew Lord, making a sound somewhere between laughter and throwing up. But whatever sound it was, Zack Henry Freeman didn't like it.

Z
ack and Eleanor teleported onto the ledge of the bumcano.

The bumodactyl nest was about 10 metres below them.

Eleanor pulled a roll of triple-strength toilet paper from her bum-fighter utility belt.

She wrapped a length around her waist and knotted it tightly. She then handed the roll to Zack. ‘Let it out slowly,' she yelled against the roar of the wind, ‘and get a good grip on the rock-face. You may have to take my whole weight.'

‘Okay!' yelled Zack. ‘Be careful.'

‘No time for that,' called Eleanor as she launched herself backwards over the ledge and abseiled down a narrow crevice. The bumodactyl was perched on the edge of the nest with its back to her. It had Eleanor's bum in its beak, but seemed unable to decide which of the screaming chicks to give the prize to.

Zack bit his lip.

It was scary up on the ledge.

In the sky above him he could see the menacing glow of the approaching arseteroid. It was noticeably bigger now and getting larger by the second.

And down below—way down below—he could see a prehistoric stink bog.

The sight made him shiver.

Stink bogs were a one-way trip to fossil museums of the future. That's if there
was
a future for fossil museums to exist in, thought Zack grimly.

Once a bumosaur—or a person for that matter—got stuck in a stink bog, that was it. The rotting matter was so thick and sticky that nothing could escape it. With great difficulty, Zack tore his gaze—and his thoughts—away from the stink bog and looked down to check on Eleanor's progress.

She was almost three-quarters of the way down the crevice to the nest. But then the bumodactyl looked back and noticed her.

Out of sheer surprise it opened its beak and dropped Eleanor's bum, which fell into the beak of the closest chick. The mother squawked a loud warning rasp at Eleanor.

‘That's exactly how I feel about you, too,' said Eleanor as she leapt from the wall and swung—Tarzan style—over the top of the nest. Reaching down as she swept past, she plucked her bum out of the bumodactyl chick's beak. Then she swung upwards into the sky.