Burning Bright (21 page)

Flynn pressed his lips together in a thin, miserable line.

I stared back at him. This was agony.

‘You mean you didn’t really trust me?’ he said in a dull, flat voice.

‘I wanted to, I just couldn’t be sure. That’s what I’m saying – you’re so . . . calm one minute, furious the next, it’s hard to know what’s real .
. .’ I stopped, unable to bear the terrible look of hurt on Flynn’s face.

‘I didn’t realise you felt like . . . that.’ He frowned.

‘I’m just trying to be honest,’ I said. A vision of me and James in the back of that taxi flashed through my head. I pushed it away – telling Flynn about that meaningless
kiss would be too much honesty. He didn’t need to know. ‘Anyway, you and me aren’t the whole story, are we?’ I went on. ‘What about your mum? She was the main reason
you agreed to go to Ireland. Doesn’t she matter anymore?’

‘Of course she does,’ Flynn said. ‘Mum’s fine. She’s working less hard and loving staying with her sister. Siobhan’s happy too. That guy she’s with,
Gary. He’s okay.
More
than okay. He really cares about her. They’ve got this little flat near Mum. It’s one of the reasons I can leave now. He’s looking after Siob.
And I know he’ll look out for Mum too. And Cait’s settled in at school.’ He looked sullenly at the ground. ‘It’s just me. I don’t fit in there.’

There was a long pause. A soft breeze ruffled my hair. I took a step away.

‘You don’t fit in anywhere,’ I sighed. ‘You don’t even
try
to fit in. And you know it takes more than talent and determination to be successful. You
can’t do everything on your own.’

‘Yes I can,’ Flynn said tersely.

We stared at each other across the grass.

‘No,’ I said. ‘Remember, back after the thing with your dad, the police and your mum and everyone said maybe you should go to see a counsellor?’

‘No way,’ Flynn snapped. ‘Therapy’s for freaks.’

Silence.

‘What about your dad?’ I said. ‘Suppose you see him? Suppose he does something to annoy you and you lose your temper again.’

Flynn’s face clouded. ‘I’ll handle it,’ he said.

‘I saw him a few weeks ago,’ I blurted out.

Flynn frowned. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he growled.

‘Cos I knew you’d be mad,’ I said. ‘Your dad followed me down the high street. Asked for some money, like you said he would.’

‘What did you do? What happened?’ Flynn’s voice was tense.

‘I told him I didn’t have any,’ I said. ‘He knew you’d gone to Ireland, said something about you being angry . . .’

‘I don’t want him knowing anything about my life.’ Flynn clenched his fists. ‘I told you just to walk away. Not to even speak . . .’

‘It wasn’t like that . . . I couldn’t just—’

‘Yes you could, it’s not safe. He could have hurt you,’ Flynn shouted. He caught his breath. ‘River, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell like that . .
.’

I gazed at his face. It was always there, I realised. The anger inside him. The hate. Just bubbling away under the surface.

I couldn’t live with that.

I didn’t
want
to live with that.

‘River?’

‘I don’t want to worry about whether or not you’re going to fly off the handle at the least little thing.’ I looked him in the eyes. ‘I love you. I
really
do. But I don’t want to be always scared. Wondering who’s going to make you mad next. Worried it’ll be me . . .’

I turned away, so he wouldn’t see the tears that were pricking at my eyes. I stood very still, concentrating on not crying. And then I sensed Flynn move closer to me, I couldn’t hear
him or see him, but I knew he was there – right behind me.

We stood in silence for a few seconds. Then I felt his fingertips on the side of my neck. I closed my eyes, shivering. He traced his fingers along my skin, scraping my hair aside.

‘River.’ Flynn’s voice was low, pleading, his breath warm against my bare neck. My skin erupted in goosebumps. ‘You have no idea how much I . . . I only want
you.’

I wanted to stay there and let him kiss me. I wanted it so badly my whole body was shaking. I felt his hand on my arm.

‘I want to show you that you can trust me,’ he whispered, his lips soft on my neck. ‘I’ll change, I promise. I’ll never lose my temper again.’

I could feel myself falling, falling. But for the first time I could see
where
I was falling – into a nightmare of lies to my parents and fear of Flynn getting angry.

Lies and mistrust and fear.

I dug my nails into my palms. ‘Your promises are just like your apologies,’ I said. ‘Don’t you see? You can’t say you won’t get angry or out of control and
expect it to just happen. It’s too deep down in you, too much a part of who you are . . .’

Flynn ran his hand down my arm and across my waist, pulling me into him so my back was pressed against his chest. He leaned forwards, his cheek rubbing against mine.

‘Please, Riv, I can do this,’ he whispered.

I nearly gave in. I swear I was so close to just turning round and kissing him like I’d never kissed him before. But something – a single, tiny thread of strength – told me
that if we had a future it couldn’t start like this. He had to know I meant what I said.

I pulled away from him and turned around so we were facing each other. ‘I believe you can do it, too. But I don’t believe you can do it without help.’

The wind swirled around us. Flynn’s fringe fell over his eyes. He brushed it away with a frown.

‘It has to be counselling,’ I said, thinking of the anger management therapy Dad had talked about before. ‘A proper effort to deal with your temper, like the police and your
mum suggested.’

‘You’ve got to be kidding, Riv.’ Flynn stared at me, his eyes greener than ever in the bright sunlight. ‘I’m not doing some stupid course. I don’t need it for
a start and—’

‘It’s the only way,’ I interrupted. ‘You know you get too angry about stuff. Like with your dad and how you hurt him. You admitted it before. It wasn’t right how
you felt. What you did. Maybe if you can face up to that . . .’

‘Don’t do this, Riv.’ Flynn clenched his teeth. I could see him struggle for a second, then the roar exploded out of him. ‘I freakin’ love you. Why isn’t that
enough?’

I stared at him, my heart thumping. ‘
That’s
why,’ I said steadily.

The park was quiet all around us, just the sound of the wind in the trees and children playing in the distance. There was a long pause. I took a step away from him.

‘I have to go. I’ve got more exams to revise for.’

His eyes glistened, boring into me.

I turned around. Took another step away. Then another. My legs were shaking and my heart was pounding but I kept on walking.

I was almost at the gate when I heard his footsteps behind me.

‘River?’

I stopped and turned around.

‘Okay.’ His voice was low and intense.

‘Okay, what?’ I looked across the grass, knowing my eyes were giving away how much I wanted him.

Flynn moved closer.

‘Okay, what?’ I repeated, looking up at him.

‘Okay, you’re right.’ His mouth trembled, his voice hoarse and low. ‘That’s why I’m getting angry. You’re right and I can’t bear the idea that I
might lose you, that I
am
losing you.’ His eyes glowed as he fixed me with his intense gaze, like I was the only person in the whole world.

‘Oh, Flynn.’ I could barely breathe.

He moved right up to me and ran his finger down my cheek.

‘The truth is . . .’ His voice cracked. ‘The real truth is that I’m scared.’

‘Scared of what?’ I whispered.

‘Of not being good enough for you.’

I hesitated, my gaze fixed on his eyes, all soulful and serious. Then I leaned against his chest, feeling him lean into me too. ‘That’s not what I think,’ I said.
‘That’s not it at all. I just think you have a problem and until you . . .’

‘Face up to it?’ Flynn pulled away. His face was pale and drawn. ‘Get help?’ He rubbed his eyes. Then he looked at me again. ‘I shouldn’t be putting you
through all this. It’s not fair.’

We stood together, not touching.

‘I love you so much,’ I said.

‘And I want to prove that I love you,’ he said, his voice steadier than before. ‘I’ll go to anger control classes or whatever they’re called, I’ll do whatever
it takes.’

‘Really? You mean it?’

‘Yes,’ Flynn said. ‘I promise.’ He took a step back. ‘And this time I’m going to
show
you that I mean it. I’m going to earn the right to be with
you, River.’ He took another step away from me.

‘You’re going?’ I said. My guts twisted.

‘For now.’ He gave me a sad smile. ‘It’s the only way to prove that I’ve changed.’

I stared at him. The pain I felt at the prospect of being apart from Flynn was reflected in his own eyes. And yet I knew he was right to leave.

We looked at each other for a long moment, then his sad smile deepened into an entirely charming, sexy grin that made me buckle at the knees.

‘Just don’t go running off with any strange boys, Riv. I’ll be back for you before you know it.’

He walked off.

I watched him pass through the park gate and disappear around the corner then I stepped out of the shadows and headed home.

Alone.

The story continues . . .

in
Casting Shadows
.

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