Burning Tigress (43 page)

He shook his head. "No, Char, I didn't."

She stopped moving and stared. "What do you mean?
He
couldn't have. I mean, if you didn't..."

"She was already pregnant. How do you think such a noble woman could be married to a eunuch anyway? No man would have her. Only a eunuch who wanted a family any way he could. They only needed..."

"A pigeon to pretend to be the natural father. A rich fool who would pay for the boy's food and clothing and anything else the brat wants." She closed her eyes with a groan. "Why do you stand for it? You're the strongest, smartest person I know, and yet you're letting them destroy you. Why?"

He looked at his own hands and tried once again to explain what it meant to be Chinese. "I would not have been accepted back into my family otherwise. They offered me a wife, but she is a child. Even if I married her, she would become part of
my
family."

"But they disowned you."

He nodded. "Exactly. The girl becomes disowned as well. My name would
not
be written on the family altar. It is only in return for this act—"

"For pretending to father Gao Jin's son?"

"Yes. Because of that, my name was written on the plaque."

She slowly sank back onto the bed. "So, your name is painted on a piece of wood on an altar somewhere you never go. Is that worth everything you've done? Everything you're giving up?"

"Yes." He said it with total conviction. He said it with the force of an orphan who longs for a family. He said it, and he believed it—except, the word sounded hollow to his ears now.

"If you're going to buy your way into a family, Ken Jin, couldn't you have picked a better one?"

Ken Jin laughed. He couldn't help it. In fact, for the first time since coming to Peking, he felt connected to himself. His entire body and spirit shook with laughter. She joined him, of course. Not at first, but when the tears rolled from his eyes, her giggles began. Soon they both fell backward on the bed and belly laughs echoed through the room.

But eventually the laughter faded. In time, they lay face-to-face on the narrow pallet and felt the slow return to reality.

"I will always love you, Ken Jin," she whispered. "No matter what happens, remember that."

He touched her face. He could feel her now that the numbness was fading. She'd done that for him. She'd recalled him to himself, body and spirit. But did he dare say it?

"I love you as well, Miss Charlotte."

She rolled her eyes, and he laughed again.

"I love you, Char."

"Then, don't do this. Don't go to the Forbidden City tomorrow. We'll find a way to get through. We'll—"

"What?" he interrupted. "An impoverished Chinese and a destitute white woman? What would we do?"

"Love each other?" Her words were barely audible, but hope shone in her eyes. Everything inside him pushed him to agree, to throw aside logic and sense and everything he knew of the world to embrace... what? To embrace her: her goodness, her openness, her light and life and love. What he would give to have her at his side for the rest of his life.

He heard her sigh and felt the heat of her breath burn across his temple. "You're not going to change your mind, are you?" she realized.

He swallowed, barely able to force the words from his throat. "I go to the palace for balance, Char, to return to what should have been."

"Make a new path, Ken Jin. It has been done before. In fact, the Americans created an entire country out of the idea."

He shook his head. "I am not so forward-thinking. I am Chinese, and to a Chinese, family is everything."

She pushed him back. He did not see it coming; all he knew was that one moment they were lying face-to-face on the bed, and the next second he lay flat on his back while she mounted him. Her skirt was too tight to easily accomplish such a thing. The cheap silk scrunched up her legs, then tore as she forced it even farther. In moments, she pressed her naked flesh to the fabric above his straining dragon.

"
I
will be your family, Ken Jin. We will create a new—"

He silenced her with a kiss. She pressed down as he surged up toward her. But when the kiss was done, when he could no longer sustain the lift of his head or the thrust of his tongue, he reluctantly dropped backward. She knew what he was about to say. He could see the weary acceptance in her eyes, but he had to say it anyway.

"I cannot be free of my family until my brother is no longer a eunuch."

She bit her lip. "It can't be reattached, Ken Jin. You'll owe him for the rest of your life. And he'll suck you dry."

Ken Jin nodded. He knew this, had long since accepted it. "Such is the payment for my crime."

He watched in awe as her eyes began to tear, but she blinked them back. And when she spoke, her voice was strong with determination. "I want us to make love, Ken Jin. I want to have your child."

He gaped. He heard her words, but he could not believe she would offer such a thing. He opened his mouth to argue, but no words came out. All he managed was an incoherent sound of pain and longing.

"Don't even try to talk to me out of it," she warned. "I know what I'm saying." But she couldn't; she never had. Worse, she would regret it in the morning. And yet, such was the desire in his heart that he could not manage the words.

"I know, I know," she continued. "White virgin. Chinese man. They'll think you raped me. But what can they do to you? You'll already be castrated." Her words ended in a hysterical laugh, but she quickly recovered. "No, no, don't argue. I take the risk seriously. To you, to me, to the baby." Her voice broke on the word at the same moment his heart lurched.

A baby. A child from the two of them. How wonderful that would be.

"Think of it, Ken Jin," she continued. "You'd have a family even after... well, even after tomorrow. No one has to know but us. And you'll have a family." She bit her lip as tears dripped one by one on his face. "We'll be your real family, and we'll love you. I'll raise him that way."

He closed his eyes. He couldn't watch the love shining through her, or the hope that made her skin seem to glow. Her entire body pulsed with love for him. He couldn't watch, and yet, he couldn't stop himself. He opened his eyes. He opened all his senses to her. He smelled her scent, touched her heated body, and trembled to the sound of her breath. He wanted her more than he wanted honor, more than he wanted to walk the middle path of the Tao, more, even, than the qi that sustained him. He wanted her and the family she offered. And yet, he could not give her false hope.

"It will change nothing, Char. I must still dedicate myself in the morning."

She nodded, and he felt her tears drop onto his face. "I know," she whispered.

"And a child..." He swallowed. How he wanted such a thing! "You are a lone woman—"

She shook her head. "I'll say I'm a widow. I'm old enough. That my husband was killed by the Boxers." She rolled her eyes. "That's common enough these days."

"But—"

"There are ways, Ken Jin. You don't think it's never happened before, do you? That a single woman got pregnant." She released a soft laugh. "If nothing else, I'll work at the mission. Someone will help me."

"You would have all my money."

"I don't need—"

"You would." He grinned. "And we'll steal something from my brother. He has imperial jade. He showed it to me."

"You probably paid for it anyway." She began untying his tunic, stripping it away with impatient hands.

"This is madness. You cannot—"

"I can. I want to." His tunic was thrown wide and she ran her fingers over his chest. Then she leaned down to kiss his nipples, sucking just hard enough to make his entire body thrust upward. A son. A family. Of all the things anyone had ever offered, this was the most precious. This was what he had always wanted.

"You will be alone," he said. "Once I am in the Forbidden City, I cannot leave. I cannot help you."

"I don't care," she said to his belly. Her lips were kissing lower down his body. Her hands tugged at his pants.

"Char," he groaned. "What of William? What of your family? They will never accept a bastard child. And they will know he is mine."

In his mind, it was already done. He already had a son with dark black hair, a quick mind, and a ready laugh. A child that ran like the wind and loved like the sun. A child like his mother. How he wanted it.

She pulled opened his trousers and his dragon sprang free. She had learned a great deal about kissing in the last few days. She knew how to stroke his mouth with her tongue, how to caress his chest with her hands. She did so now, pressing her fingers into the points he had shown her, stroking her tongue across places she had discovered on her own. He knew she was placing herself, drawing herself higher on his body. And while he struggled with his conscience, before he found the strength to set her away, she dropped herself down upon him.

Her yin rain was plentiful, so his dragon slid quickly into her tight cinnabar cave. She gasped in shock and froze. He grabbed her arms to lift her away, but he hadn't the strength, and she hadn't the will.

"You're very large," she said, her voice high.

"Lift off," he said. "We must stop."

"No.
No."
She tightened her legs to grip him with force. He bit back a groan. He could move. He should move—away—but nothing had ever felt so excellent.

"Char," he growled as he forced himself to deny them both. "Think about the future. Think what it means..."

"No. No." She gasped out the words, but with each breath, she seemed to grow stronger. Her eyes focused on him. Her lips curved in a radiant smile. And as she spoke, yang surged through his blood. His mind fogged with her yin power. She was radiant with it.

She leaned down. He didn't know when she'd swept off the last of her ripped gown, but it was gone now. She was naked as she leaned forward, and her breasts dangled enticingly above him.

He helped her move, thinking she meant to lift away. But she didn't. Instead, she shifted his grip. She took hold of his wrists and moved his hands to her breasts. "Touch me, Ken Jin." How soft her skin was. How powerful the yin pulse beneath his fingertips. "Carry me away," she added as she moved his hands over her. "Take me to Heaven."

He shook his head. "I can't." He couldn't think. He couldn't focus.

She extended forward, drawing herself up high enough to kiss his lips. He let her go, but not far enough to lose her all together. He was not man enough to draw completely out. Not yet. Not...

"You can," she whispered. She leaned down. She trailed her lips across his cheek, the heat of her caress nothing compared to the lick of her yin power across his face and body. It engulfed him. "You just have to want it."

He did. He wanted it more than life itself. And yet...

"Love me, Ken Jin."

"I do," he swore. "I always have."

He thrust.

* * *

Charlotte felt his driving energy and knew why the Chinese called it a dragon. Ken Jin was so very large inside her. Thick and full, his power pushed at her, filled her, expanded her. She was growing along with him, this heat in her belly. With his every thrust, she felt a quickening, a surging, a... something.

Her yin tide was rising. His hands were so skilled upon her breasts. His mouth nipped and stroked and suckled, one after the other, and she arched into the glorious tide. After all, she'd felt the yin rush numerous times before. She'd been overwhelmed by it, carried by it, even drowned in it; but this was different. This was...

Love.

She looked into his eyes and finally understood the truth. He loved her. He'd always loved her. That was why his touch sent her flying. That was why she craved him beyond reason, beyond logic. Because he loved her and always had. Only this time, he admitted it. And this time, he showed her without restraint. How else could his yang lift and push and expand her soul until she felt larger than her own body? How else could her yin draw him with her, combining together in the glorious cauldron of her sex, until together they became fire and air and more?

She slid to his lips, needing to fuse with his mouth while giving him more room to move below. He was saying something: whispered Chinese words that she couldn't hear. But she felt them. Each word brushed across her lips, each breath heated the dark recesses of her mouth. She arched in glorious response. How could simple words feel so wonderful?

His hands shifted off her breasts to slide down to her hips. But she remained poised above him, her nipples stroking across his contoured chest. Larger circles, then smaller, tighter circles. The yin fire sizzled in her breasts.

His hands were large on her hips, and he stabilized her against his thrusts. His power was growing, and his yang became a pounding beat that had her thighs opening wider to accommodate his greater strength. He was still speaking, his mouth teasing her neck, his breath hot and wet across her quivering pulse. Only this time, she wanted to know his words, know what beat in his mind and heart, so she reined in her senses and listened.

"All of you. All of you," he said.

She smiled. "All of us. All of
us."