Bushedwhacked Bride (4 page)
Chapter Four
“Heathens! You’re just a bunch of gall-durned heathens,
the lot of you!”
From the porch, Jessica watched in awe and admiration
as Ma Reklaw swung her broom with a vengeance, sending chickens scurrying, the cat yowling and diving under the porch, and her own sons rushing for cover. The sight
of four grown men—fearsome outlaws, to boot—stam
peding like panicked sheep was comical to Jessica, as
well as very satisfying. Within seconds, Billy was up a
tree, Wes under the hay wagon, Luke behind the horse
trough, Gabe inside a barrel. Only Cole stood his ground,
resisting the urge to flee, though even he backed away and
regarded his mother warily.
“Ma!” called Billy shrilly from his perch in the tree.
“You stop that right now. You was aiming that broom of
yours where no lady dare aim.”
Ma charged toward the tree and began thrashing away,
causing Billy to squeal and clamber higher. “Don’t you
sass me, you snot-nosed varmint. You scoundrels don’t
know nothin’ ‘bout how to treat no lady. A body would think you was all hatched up from under a rock. I’ve tol
erated your thievin’ and your whorin’, your drinkin’,
gamblin’ and shootin’ up the town. But insulting a sure
‘nuff lady—that I can’t abide.”
Gabe dared to peek out over the rim of the barrel.
Wide-eyed, he whined, “Ma, she ain’t no lady. Didn’t we
tell you she was ridin’ in Lila Lullaby’s old parlor
wagon?”
Ma charged over and knocked over the barrel with a
deft swing of her broom, prompting Gabe to scamper out
and scurry away. “I’ll parlor wagon you, you back-talkin’
sidewinder.”
“Ma, we was just tryin’ to have some fun with her,” put
in Luke from behind the horse trough.
“Fun? How ‘bout this for fun, you horse’s patooty!”
Ma began thrashing at the horse trough with her
broom, and although she couldn’t manage to overturn it,
a soaked Luke quickly dashed off for cover. Then she
stalked over to the wagon and used her broom handle to
poke at Wes—who went bolting off with a yelp of pain.
Jessica almost felt sorry for the men.
Almost.
“All right, Ma, that’s enough,” stated a deadly calm
voice.
All at once, everyone in the yard froze at the sound of Cole’s stern admonition. He stood at the edge of the yard
with Colt drawn, and was glaring at his mother as if he
meant business.
Not daunted in the least, Ma marched over to confront
her son with broom raised and ready to swing. “You! You
should know better than to let your brothers carry on this way. You’re the eldest, after all.”
“Ma, put down that broom,” he ordered.
Ma didn’t even flinch. “Son, holster that shootin’ iron or I swear, I’m droppin’ you where you stand.”
For a moment Cole hesitated. Then Jessica watched, amazed, as he holstered his weapon.
Heavens, his mother was formidable!
Especially as she ambled closer to her son and soundly
slapped his face. Cole flinched slightly but otherwise
held his ground. “You show some respect for your elders
from now on, you hear? You think I’m a’feared of you,
you little whippersnapper? Hell, I use’ta change your
dirty britches.”
“Ma, please,” Cole pleaded, coloring deeply.
Jessica was astounded. She would have been willing to
bet it would be impossible to embarrass this arrogant
man. But she hadn’t counted on Ma. Bless her.
Setting down her broom, Ma turned, stuffed two fin
gers in her mouth, and whistled loudly. “All right, get
your worthless hides over here, all of you varmints.” She
smiled apologetically at Jessica. “You, too, ma’am. No
offense, but I had to set them rascals in their places. It’s a
mother’s call, you see.”
Jessica struggled against a smile and headed down the steps. “No offense taken, Mrs. Reklaw.”
The wary boys, Jessica, and Cole gathered around Ma.
The younger outlaws grumbled to each other and shot
Jessica resentful looks, as if she were the cause of their
current troubles, rather than their own misbehavior. Cole
crossed his arms over his muscled chest and pointedly ig
nored Jessica.
Ma was scowling fearsomely. “All right, boys, you
gone and dry-gulched this here nice lady. How you gonna
fix things?”
All five men appeared perplexed, scratching heads and
mumbling to one another.
At last, Billy asked, “Ma, can’t we just keep her
around?” Watching ire rise in his mother’s eyes, he hastily
held up a hand. “I mean, if’n we behave ourselves?”
As Ma hesitated, Gabe wheedled, “Yeah, Ma, can’t she help you out with your woman’s chores? Wouldn’t that be nice?”
Ma ruminated over this, then shook her head. “Nope, boys, this ain’t no stray dog you brung home, but a real
honest-to-gosh lady. What you gonna do if her menfolks
show up to claim her?”
As the boys scratched their heads, Jessica eagerly
stepped into the gap. “Er, gents, your mother has a point.
You don’t want to tangle with my people, do you?” Before they could answer, she rushed on with barely dis
guised sarcasm. “You know, boys, it’s been such a
pleasure being ambushed, terrified, and abused by you. Best of luck with your deranged nineteenth-century exis
tence and working your way to the hanging tree. But if
you don’t mind, think I’ll just mosey on back to the Bro
ken Buck Dude Ranch.”
The men appeared confused. “Lady, they’re ain’t no
Broken Butt Dude Ranch in these parts,” said Luke.
Jessica crossed her arms over her bosom. “It’s Broken
Buck.
And, whatever, I’m leaving.”
Ma nodded. “Yep, you boys had best fetch her back be
fore the posse comes after her.”
“But, Ma, if we fetch her back, she’ll sic the law on
us,” protested Billy.
“Yeah, Ma, she’ll turn us in,” added Wes.
Ma appeared to waver, scratching her jaw. “Well,
maybe you boys got a point.” She raised an eyebrow at
Jessica. “Ma’am, would you give over my boys?”
Jessica crossed herself and shook her head. “Ab
solutely not. Honest injun. I don’t even know where this
place is.”
“She’ll turn us in,” Luke insisted. “Sure as Sunday.”
“Ma, purty please, let us keep her,” pleaded Gabe.
“After all, we deserve somethin’ for our troubles, after
robbin’ the stage and all.”
“You all deserve a kick in the pants!” roared Ma, wav
ing a plump arm. “Here you brung home this sure-nuff
lady like she’s some doll for you to play with, when all
five of you rascals should be settlin’ down and finding re
spectable wives for yourselves.”
The four younger men hung their heads in shame. Cole
just glowered. Proudly.
All at once Billy’s head shot up, and he snapped his fingers. “I know. I’ll marry her, then!”
Jessica sucked in a horrified breath as Billy’s three
younger brothers snapped up their heads, glanced tensely
at one another, then joined in.
“No, I’ll marry her!” protested Luke.
“Give her to me, please, Ma,” pleaded Gabe. “I
promise I’ll treat her right.”
“Play you a hand of blackjack for her,” offered Wes to
Billy.
Billy stepped forward to confront Wes. “Naw, you cheat,
and ‘sides, it’s
my
idear, so I get first dibs.” He turned to his
mother. “Well, Ma, what do you say? Can I have her?”
For a long, charged moment, Ma ruminated, mumbling under her breath. Jessica wrung her hands and felt half ill.
“Maybe,” Ma said at last.
“What?” protested Jessica.
“Now, honey.” Ma turned to flash Jessica a placating
smile. “When you think about it, it could be the perfect
remedy. My boys is right reluctant to let you go, lest you
give ‘em over to the law. So I reckon it’s best you marry up with one of ‘em. You ain’t got no husband, do you?”
“Well, I—”
“After all, ain’t that what every female wants—a hus
band, a home and young ‘uns to care for?”
“Speak for yourself,” muttered Jessica.
Ma made a sweeping gesture toward the barn, the corn crib and corral. “Honey, lookie here at all this beauty. If'n you marry up with one of my boys, after I pass, all of this
will be yours.”
Appalled, Jessica gazed at the cluttered barnyard,
watched a pig dig in the mud, and took a deep breath of manure-fragrant air. Helplessly she beseeched the heav
ens. ‘‘Whatever did I do to deserve this?”
“No fair!” protested Gabe to his mother. “It ain’t fair
you just give her over to Billy, and the rest of us get no
chance.”
“Yeah, it ain’t fair,” said Wes.
“Yeah,” agreed Luke.
Ma mulled this over, then brightened. “I know—why
don’t all of you boys shape up, then all of you can court
her? It can be like a contest, with the best-behaved gettin’
the prize. That way, the lady here can decide for herself
which one of you she wants.”
Four male faces lit with grins.
“No!” protested Jessica. “I mean, no offense, ma’am,
but I don’t want any of these men.”
Ma grew suspicious; her heavy brows drew together
and thunderclouds loomed in her eyes. “Are you saying
my boys ain’t good enough for you, lady?”
Jessica struggled not to wince aloud. This woman was
more daunting than an Amazon. And the last thing she
could afford to do was to alienate her one ally here.
“No, no, of course not,” she hastily reassured Ma.
“They’re wonderful boys, princes among men. It’s just that, well—I’ve no desire to marry at all. You see, I’m working on my dissertation—”
Ma clucked to Jessica like a mother hen reassuring a
nervous chick. “Now, honey. I know my boys gave you a
bad scare. But they’re good boys at heart—just a mite frisky, you see.” Playfully, she elbowed Jessica. “And
they’re handsome devils, ain’t they? Why, a good, up
standing woman like you, you’ll tame ‘em all in no time.”
“You must be joking.”
“Now, honey, give it a chance. Like maybe a few
weeks here. If one of my boys ain’t persuaded you to the altar by then—heck, I’ll have them escort you back to the
Broken Butt.”
“Oh, Lord,” groaned Jessica.
“So do we get to court her, then?” asked Billy excitedly.
Ma shook a finger. “Proper like! Which means you and
these other heathens had best put some starch in your
shirts and a shine on your boots, and go fetch the lady
here some candy and flowers. And while you’re at it,
wash all the filth out of your mouths.”
The four younger men hooted and howled their victory,
pounding one another across the shoulders.
“Yes, ma’am,” agreed a jubilant Billy. “We’ll spark her
good and proper.”
Jessica was left reeling. “Mrs. Reklaw, please. I
can’t
do this.”
“Sure you can, honey,” Ma replied with a finality that
made Jessica’s stomach sink.
As the younger men grinned at one another, Gabe
turned to Cole. “How ‘bout you, big brother? You gonna compete?”
Cole sneered at Jessica. “When I want a
lady,
I don’t
play games.”
His words brought a chill to Jessica’s spine and a hot
bloom to her cheeks. How she’d love to throttle the beast!
“Yippee!” cried Gabe. “Now there’s more of her to go
around.”
As Gabe’s brothers guffawed, Ma charged forward and
boxed his ears. “What do you mean, more of her to go
around?”
Gabe cowered. “Ma, I just meant—”
“I know what you meant, you bangtailed weasel, and I’m warning you for the last time to mind your manners.
Now all of you boys get out of here and go do your
chores, while I show the lady the house.”