Business as Usual (Off The Subject) (10 page)

My back arches and I grab the back of his head to hold him there.

His mouth drives me wild before he pulls back. “You’re setting the pace,” he says again. “You’re in control.”

His words burst open a flood gate of lust and I pull his head up to mine, my tongue plundering his mouth as I rise onto my knees and move closer toward him. I reach down and guide him to my entrance and then lower myself on top of him. I move slowly, waiting for the panic to hit, but it never comes. All I feel is the ache deep inside for something more.

I rest my hands on his shoulders and begin to undulate on top of him as I continue to claim his mouth with mine.

He lets me do the work, resting his hands on my hips to help guide me. I set the pace until I’m panting and desperate for release. He senses I’m close and says, “Come for me, Lexi.”

A dam of sensation bursts and my orgasm hits in waves. Rob grabs my hips and takes control, coming within half a minute of me.

I stay on top of him, astounded. I had sex with a man I barely knew and I didn’t freak out.

He grins up at me, then places a kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Who knew you were a vixen just waiting to be released?”

He’s right. Who knew? Even when I had sex before my rape, I was never aggressive. Tonight I had the best sex of my life. Why?

“I guess you had to help let her out,” I say with a smile.

He kisses me again and then lifts me off of him. I stand, amazed that my legs are wobbly. I squat to pick up my panties and step into them, my inner thigh muscles screaming in protest.

Rob disappears into the bathroom and I look at myself in the makeup mirror as I fasten my bra.

The woman staring back at me is definitely not me this time. Long black hair, lust-filled eyes, flushed cheeks, swollen lips. She’s sexy and wild. Lexi Pendergraft is none of those things. Is it the wig? Can a wig really have that much of an effect?

Rob comes up behind me and dips his mouth into my neck as I slip my arms into the sleeves of my dress.

I study him in the reflection. “Tonight’s the last night we’ll see each other, isn’t it?”

His face raises and he stares back at me in the mirror. He hesitates, as though he’s worried I’ll become a stereotypical clingy, post-coital girl. “Probably.”

The woman in the mirror smiles, looking sexy and provocative. “Perfect.”

Lexi

I fold my hands together on the conference room table. It’s Friday afternoon and everyone wants to get out of here. “These course ideas are great. Now we need to recruit instructors and, as always, we need to raise money. I’m open to ideas.” Raising money is a never-ending chore. I’m used to the task, but the amount we need is daunting.

The original student committee that Dr. Tyree helped me put together to coordinate the summer program now looks at me with blank expressions. Not that I blame them. Four days ago their job was ten times easier. Now that my changes to the program have been greenlit, we have a long road ahead of us.

“Okay,” I say with a sigh. “How about we take the weekend to think about it. When we meet next week, everyone should have three to five ideas, no matter how ridiculous they seem.”

They murmur their agreement and as they silently stream out of the room, I can’t help but wonder if they’re sorry they agreed to volunteer, not that I blame them.

“Give ’em time, Lexi,” Sylvia says, watching as the last guy leaves the room. “You pretty much dumped a monster project in their laps and told them they had to have it done yesterday.”

I sink back into my chair with a scowl. She’s right, of course.

“Cheer up,” she grabs my arm and pulls me out of the chair. “They’ll come around. Between your vivaciousness and can-do attitude, they’ll be waving their pom-poms with you in no time.”

“Is that what I do? Coerce people into doing things they don’t want to with my team spirit?” I grab my bag off the floor and pick up the folder I left on the table.

Sylvia grabs my arm and turns me to face her. “Hey, what’s going on?”

I shake my head, refusing to look at her. “Maybe everyone is right. Maybe this is too much, too soon.”

She puts her hand on her hip. “Oh, hell no. I can’t believe you just said that.”

I look up, my jaw set. “Maybe it’s time for me to be realistic.”

“Stop it. I prefer my friend the dreamer, who doesn’t believe in the word impossible.”

My shoulders tense. “I’m not sure she exists anymore.”

“What’s this
really
all about?”

“Nothing.”

“Does this have anything to with Rob? I warned you that he wasn’t boyfriend material.”

A throbbing pain stabs my temple as I follow her out of the room and give her an ornery grin. “Actually…he wanted to keep seeing me and I was the one who told him no.” He’d called me a few days later, suggesting we go out again, but regardless of my momentary impulsiveness with him, I’m not capable of a relationship based on casual sex.

Her eyes bug out and her mouth drops open. “What? Why?”

I shrug. “You were right. Rob isn’t made for a long-term relationship, or even a short one for that matter. But it was the perfect fling.”

All it took was a wig.

I’m not happy about that part. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. At first I just thought the wig helped me feel free enough to let my guard down. It made me feel like I was someone else. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that Rob gave me control. Our encounter had been all under my direction.
I’d
been the aggressor.
I’d
been on top. The rest of my life is all about control. It only makes sense that I would want control in the one area of my life in which I’d been completely helpless and violated. But what if it
was
the wig? The worry wouldn’t stop eating my insides.

“You really gave up on Rob because he’s not boyfriend material? You couldn’t just keep him around for the hot sex?”

My cheeks flush. “Who said it was hot?”

Her face scrunches in disgust. “Uh…it’s written all over your face.”

“I figured it was better to end it on a happy note, you know? No regrets, only good memories.” That and how would I explain needing the wig the next time?

Her eyebrows lift in disbelief. It’s obvious she thinks I’ve lost my mind. “Well, since you’re back to having a social life, come out with me and a couple of girls from my dorm.”

I stop in my tracks for a second, then keep walking. “I don’t know…”

“Why not? You went out last weekend. Two nights in a row.”

I shake my head. “That was different.”

“How?”

The wig gave me confidence, but there was no way I could explain wearing it tonight. “It was a celebration. We went with a group.”

“And you hooked up with Rob. We’ll call tonight a celebration too. It can be in honor of your successful committee meeting, although I suspect you could run a successful committee meeting in your sleep.”

I roll my eyes. “I have tons of work I need to do.”

“You always have tons of work to do. I won’t take no for an answer.”

“I have to run it by Reed.”

“Lexi. You’ve got to get out from under your brother’s control. It’s beyond ridiculous.”

She doesn’t understand why Reed’s the way he is. I understand and it’s hard enough for me to accept. But the bottom line is that the thought of going out again is terrifying. I’m overreacting, I know, which is reason enough for me to make myself go out with Sylvia. My shoulders sink and I sigh. “I’ll talk to Caroline. She’ll want me to do it.”

“I’m going to ignore your lack of enthusiasm. I’ll pick you up at eight.” She takes off toward the staircase.

“Where are we going?”

She shrugs. “We’ll figure it out.” Then she turns around and heads down the stairs.

“Wait! What should I wear?” But she’s already out of earshot.

Now I have to talk to Caroline, which opens the door to a lot of potential questions about last weekend. She knows something great happened and she’s desperate for details. I should just tell her about Rob, but she’ll push harder than Sylvia to find out why I don’t want to go out with him again.

I suck at keeping secrets.

It wasn’t so hard to hide the secret of why I broke up with Brandon. I couldn’t stand the thought of sharing my humiliation with the world. But this is different. Caroline, in particular, can see a change in me. She’s been dropping not-so-subtle hints that she knows something’s up. I’m sure she’ll ask me outright when I tell her I’m going out tonight, and I don’t want to lie. I need to come up with a plan of how much to tell her. Only nothing comes to mind. Maybe I should text Sylvia and tell her that I’ve changed my mind.

But some small part of me screams no.

If I’m honest with myself, now that the cage door has opened, the social part of me isn’t willing to go back into hiding. While I’m scared to death to go out tonight, I
want
to have fun. Although Reed has relaxed quite a bit since we first moved here last August, he’s still majorly overprotective. I got him to ease up a bit while I was dating Brandon, but seeing my devastation after our break-up was enough to make my big brother go all caveman again. I understand his reasoning. He’s taken full responsibility for me, and if something happens, he will have to answer to our parents. But I also know this is his way of trying to make up for not being there when I was attacked last spring.

As always, I’m torn between my desire to appease Reed and my desire to live my life. The only reason I got away with coming home so late last weekend was because Caroline covered for me, telling Reed that the cast party went late into the night. But I know I can’t keep relying on Caroline to smooth things over. I’ve caused enough strain in their relationship, and I don’t want to be the source of more.

Reed won’t be home until after six, but as expected, I find Caroline home. What’s unexpected is that I find her in the kitchen cooking dinner.

“What smells so good?”

She’s wearing an apron smeared with tomato sauce and holding a wooden spoon in her hand. She’s looking down at her phone on the counter. “Lasagna.”

“Yum.”

“Well, maybe not. I think I’ve screwed up the layers.” She sounds upset, so I drop my coat and purse on a kitchen chair and head into the kitchen.

She turns to me with tears in her eyes. “I can’t even make a damn lasagna.”

“Hey!” I try to hide the fact her tears freak me out. It’s not like Caroline to cry over something so inconsequential. “It can’t be that bad. It smells delicious.”

She backs up against the counter, pointing to the stove with the spoon. “First I forgot to put the garlic in the sauce, then I overcooked the noodles. Then I dumped most of the cheese on the bottom layer, and I didn’t even put the ricotta down first.” A fat tear rolls down her cheek.

“Caroline, who cares? Just throw it together and you know we’ll eat it.”

She looks up at me. “I wanted to cook for Reed. You both know I’m not capable of making anything more complicated than macaroni and cheese.” Two more tears fall.

“And your Kraft mac and cheese is legendary. Who cares? We love you anyway.”

She chokes back a sob.

Now I’m really scared. “Caroline, what’s really going on?”

Her chin trembles. “I think Reed’s having second thoughts.” She bites the corner of her mouth. “I think he might be seeing someone else.”

My mouth drops open. “Do you have any idea how absolutely crazy that is? Why would you even think that?”

“He’s hiding something from me.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he told me that he’s been working on a project at his office in the evenings. He’s been staying late, and I started to miss him.” Her voice breaks. “So last night I decided to surprise him. I got some deli sandwiches and took them to him like he did last fall when I was working on my project for the fashion show. Only when I showed up at his office, he wasn’t there.”

I shook my head in confusion. “He’d already left?”

More tears fall. “When he got home late, I asked him if he’d gotten lot of work done, and he said yes.”

“So, he probably took his laptop somewhere else to work.”

“I told him that I’d tried to call his office phone and he told me he’d turned off the ringer in the early evening and forgot to turn it back on.”

My heart stops. “He lied to you?”

She doesn’t answer. The devastation on her face is answer enough.

“There has to be a logical explanation, Caroline. He loves you.”

She looks away and moves back to the casserole dish. “I suck at cooking.”

“Caroline, Reed didn’t choose you for your cooking.”

Her mouth twists as she fights more tears. “I worried this would happen.”

“What are you talking about?”

Her gaze lifts to mine. “What we felt in the beginning was so intense, so strong, one of my worries was that it couldn’t last. That it would cool down and what would we be left with? It looks like my fears are coming true.”

“Don’t say that.” I protest. “Don’t you still love him?”

“Of course.” Her voice cracks. “More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love him more than I did in the beginning.” She wipes her tears. “But this isn’t about whether I love him or not. It’s whether he still loves me. And the last two weeks he hasn’t been himself. He’s colder and more distant…and when I ask him what’s wrong, he refuses to tell me.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore.”

She gives me a wry smile. “But wouldn’t he tell me what was wrong if he did?”

I don’t answer.

“So I thought I’d cook for him and make a special dinner, but I’ve fucked that up too.” She starts to sob, covering her face with her hands. The solitaire diamond on her engagement ring catches the light.

I throw my arms around her and squeeze her tight. How did I miss all of this? I’ve been too lost in my own world to pay attention to the two people who are most important to me. “I just can’t believe he’s seeing someone else. Reed’s one of the most loyal people I know.” I murmur into her ear. “He loves you. I’m sure of it.”