Butterfly Lane (28 page)

John sighed and laced his hands together behind her. “I don’t want to tell you. It’s…It might bother you.”

She frowned. “John, your not telling me is bothering me. That’s part of why we’ve been in such a mess. Please tell me.”

“Fine, but there’s no pressure, okay?”

“Okay.” She kissed him. “Tell me.”

“I dreamed we were in my office. Well, sort of. My old office. But I was at the new job. You know how dreams are. Anyhow, it must have been a Saturday, because no one else was there. And it was really, really quiet. You came in, and…” He ducked his chin. Tracing the lacy edge of her panties, he moved one shoulder. “You were wearing that little red coat. The one you got last year?”

“The raincoat? The raspberry one?”

“Yeah. Red, raspberry, whatever. It looks good on you. That’s all I know.” Her eyes softened, and she smiled, but he continued. “So you took it off, right there in the office, windows open to the world. And you were naked.” He dropped a kiss onto one pert breast, and then deciding the other breast might feel left out, he kissed it, too.

“And we, um, what? Made love? Right there in the office?”

“Not exactly.” Bringing up his hand, John couldn’t meet her gaze as he touched her mouth. “You used this. On me.” He waited for her response.

Zanny sat there quietly, not moving, until he couldn’t take it any longer.

“Well?”

“I’m thinking. Is that something you dream about a lot? Me using my mouth on you?”

He shrugged again. “I’m a man. We pretty much all dream about that. Not all of us dreaming about you,” he hurried to clarify, “but about the women we’re interested in, doing…that.”

Zanny laughed softly and tightened her arms around his neck. “You know, we tried that a couple of times. It didn’t go so well.”

“I know. And like I said, there is absolutely no pressure on you. But you asked, and I wanted to answer.”

She kissed him, slow and deep. “I have my own confession. I got some books after things happened and did some reading. A lot of reading.”

“You did?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“What kind of reading?” John couldn’t figure out why that mattered, but if she wanted to talk about books, naked in his arms, he wasn’t going to complain.

“I’ll show you.” She slid off his lap and went to the tall chest of drawers across the room. The lacy scrap of cloth barely covered her rear, and John admired the view while she dug into her underwear drawer. “Here.”

She brought three books back with her and handed them to him, then sat beside him.

“Oh.
That
kind of reading.” He looked from the books to her and back again, not sure what to say.

Zanny took the books and laid them aside. “They were very educational. And one of the things they all cover is, um, oral. And they describe some techniques, some practice runs. I tried a few of them.”

A heavy silence followed. Their eyes were locked together, and John swallowed. “What, exactly, does that mean?”

She flushed. “Let’s just say I have an entirely different outlook on cucumbers than I did.”

John couldn’t help it. He snickered. “Cucumbers?”

“Mmm. Yes. I’ve gone through quite a batch of them. I got so picky in the produce section one day, I swear the produce manager was giving me the evil eye.”

He coughed to cover up the laugh, but wasn’t quite able to disguise it. “Picky?”

She punched him lightly on the arm. “Well, I had to find one that was approximately the same shape and size as you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t do any good to practice.”

“Zanny…” John threaded his fingers in to her hair and tipped her face up to his for a kiss. “I don’t deserve you.”

“The jury is still out on that,” she teased lightly. “But I hear a verdict is pending, and the defense has made an excellent case.”

He kissed her again and tried to pull her down on the bed, but she resisted.

“Not just yet, thank you.” She stood and went to the closet. “You know, we have an office set up for you in the basement.” For the first time that evening, John saw her hesitate. “If you wanted to go there.”

He got up and went to her, tugging her around and into his arms. “Zanny, I don’t want you to feel like you have to do that for me.”

She ran her hands over his arms and shoulders. “I don’t. I mean, I do. Oh, hell.” She hugged him. “I want to try it again. To see if this research I’ve been doing has changed things. I’ve always liked the idea, but I just wasn’t any good at it. And to be honest, the idea of playing out what got you so hot”—she glanced at the bed—“um, kind of turns me on.”

John made her look at him. He studied her closely, not speaking, until he was convinced she wasn’t just telling him what he wanted to hear. All he saw was honesty and eagerness, tempered with a little concern and embarrassment. This wasn’t easy for either of them.

“Then I’d love to be your test subject. I mean, I’d hate to let all that practice, and all those cucumbers, go to waste.” He let his hand slide down her side to her hand. “How do you want to do this?”

She bit her lip. “Just head on downstairs. I’ll meet you there in a minute. Take the monitor?”

“Okay. And if you change your mind about this, at any time, you can do that. No recriminations.”

Trying to get his legs to work took some effort, but John managed to get out of the bedroom without tripping over his own two feet. He was torn between aching arousal and disbelief. Doubts set in as he went downstairs, and he wondered if he was doing the right thing by letting this play out. Remembering the determined tilt of Zanny’s chin, he knew he had to let her try.

The last time they’d experimented, she’d nearly ended up in tears because it had gone so poorly. It wasn’t anything she had done or anything he had done. The situation was just awkward from the get-go, and that had probably been fueled by her belief that his passion for her had died. In fact, the exact opposite was true, and one of the reasons he’d stopped her before was that it was too good. Her innocent explorations had brought him to a dangerous precipice that he was terrified he wouldn’t be able to pull back from. If she’d continued, there was a very real danger he would have lost control completely, and John couldn’t risk hurting her again. So he’d stopped her.

“I’m going to have to tell her that,” he realized. “Otherwise, she’s going to go on thinking it was her.”

Decision made, he turned on the small banker’s lamp on the desk and sat down to wait for his wife.

Chapter Fifty-One

Z
anny’s heart felt as if it would beat out of her chest as she listened to John’s footsteps fade. She could hardly believe she’d just offered to fulfill his fantasy like that, even though she’d planned on trying to initiate the very act he’d described.

He hadn’t laughed. At least there was that.

Since she’d been nude in his dream, she got rid of her underwear. Digging into the closet, she got out the coat he’d referenced and then shrugged it on. She checked her appearance in the mirror, but she needed something. She grabbed a pair of sexy shoes she’d bought on an impulse last month. The strappy high-heeled sandals were almost the same color as the coat.

“Should I do lipstick?” Tapping her lips, she decided against it. That might be going just a little far. She extinguished the candles and, crossing her fingers for luck, headed downstairs.

He’d turned on the light at the foot of the stairs, and the lamp in the office was on, but the rest of the basement was dark.

“Knock, knock.” Zanny stopped in the door, one foot tucked behind the other. Instead of being behind his desk, though, John was sitting on the edge of it. Hands in the pockets of his shorts, he looked as nervous as she felt.

“Hey. Come in. I, um, I need to tell you something.” He held out a hand. “Before this goes any further, I mean.”

Zanny hesitated. “That sounds ominous.”

“It isn’t. I swear.”

She stepped inside and edged over to him. His hand clasped hers warmly, and he pulled her to stand between his legs.

“Did you change your mind?”

“No.” He brought his hands up to cup her face, his thumbs gently tracing the curve of her brows, then the arch of her cheeks. “There’s something I need you to understand. Something I should have told you a long, long time ago.”

Zanny was unsettled by the intense light in his eyes. “Okay, you’re really starting to worry me here.”

A tiny smile moved over his lips, and he pushed her hair back behind her ears. “When we tried this before, and it didn’t work out, it wasn’t because you did anything wrong. Do you remember when we did it? I mean, at what point in time?”

His hands were resting on her shoulders, and she wrapped her fingers around his wrists, holding on.

“It was right after Noah was born.”

“Yeah. And we’d had some problems. Physically, I mean. I hurt you.”

Zanny shook her head. “John, that wasn’t your fault. I told you that.”

“I was terrified I would hurt you again. Did you know that?”

Astonished, she blinked up at him. “No.”

“I was. And I was afraid that if I got overly excited with you again, you wouldn’t stop me. You’d just take it. Like you did that time.”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. John, you haven’t thought that all these years?” Zanny was honestly stunned. “Honey, that isn’t how it was.” She moved her hands to touch his face and stepped closer.

“You were crying before I noticed I was hurting you.” His voice was harsh, and Zanny could see the self-recrimination on his face as plain as day. “And I didn’t want to be like everyone else had been in your life, ignoring your needs for their own.”

She was helpless against the tears that sprung into her eyes. “You sweet, misguided man,” she whispered, threading her fingers into his hair. “Oh, John. I didn’t stop you because I wanted you as much as you wanted me. And part of why I was so upset when it did hurt was because I was frustrated. Not because you were damaging me or anything like that.”

The words fell between them, leaving a pregnant silence in their wake. She actually felt John’s breathing hitch.

“Zanny…really?”

“Really. And then when we did try again, it was different. You were different, no matter what I did. And I thought you just didn’t want me the same way anymore.”

When John pulled her into his arms, his embrace was so tight that it almost hurt. He buried his face in her neck, and his hands were shaking as he ran them over her hair and shoulders.

“Why didn’t we talk about this years ago?” he muttered. “Do you know…I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’ve never stopped wanting you. Ever. I was just so afraid I’d lose control and hurt you. That’s why I stopped you when we tried the mouth thing before. It felt too good. I was on the verge of losing it, and I couldn’t take that risk, that I’d hurt you again.”

With no words in her head that fit what she was feeling, all Zanny could do was kiss him. So she did, hard and deep. Her mind was reeling. All this time, she’d thought the passion had died, and he’d been worried about hurting her.

“I don’t know whether to hug you or hit you,” she gasped when she came up for air. “How much of this could have been avoided if we’d just talked?”

John rested his forehead against hers. “A lot.”

They stood like that, breathing, just watching each other, for several long minutes. Finally, he sighed. “I’m an idiot.”

Zanny chuckled. “If you are, then so am I.”

“Never.”

“Promise me something?” She looped her arms around his neck. “If we figure this thing out, we’re going to talk to each other? Even if it is embarrassing?”

“I promise.” He toyed with the ends of her belt. “Are we going to figure this thing out, do you think?”

Zanny ran her hands across his chest, tracing the muscles. “I think so. I don’t want to make any permanent decisions tonight, but I think your days at Emma’s are numbered.”

“Thank you,” he whispered.

She lightly teased his lips with her fingertip. “I’m actually enjoying this for the moment, however. It feels like we’re dating again, in a way.”

John smiled. “I was thinking that myself. I never did get to court you quite the way I wanted to, you know?”

“Well, there’s no time like the present.”

He slipped his hands inside the coat, caressing her curves with just the right touch. Zanny leaned into him eagerly.

“Was this in your dream?”

“No. But I’m not unhappy with the direction we’re going here.”

She wasn’t, either.

They didn’t play things out exactly the way he’d described his dream, but by the time they made it upstairs an hour later, they were both a little giddy.

“I guess I should think about heading out,” he groaned against her neck once they were back in the bedroom. “I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t.”

His whole body went rigid, and Zanny held her breath.

“You’re sure?”

“For tonight.”

He responded with a heated kiss. As the back of her legs hit the mattress, and his body followed hers down, Zanny said a quick prayer of thanks. They still had some work to do, but she was absolutely confident they were on the right track.