By Way of the Rose (43 page)

“Indeed,” Doug huffed as he turned to leave. John watched him as he walked away.

“Hey, Doug,” he called.

“Yeah?”

“Where is she anyway?”

“She's in Marion, Arkansas... she found her aunt.”

“Really? Marion, Arkansas? How odd is that?!”

“Yeah... she was teachin’ in a little town called Jericho there in Arkansas until just a little while ago.”

“How about her baby? How was it? Did you see it? She didn't mention it at all?” John sarcastically reminded Doug of the child.

“She never mentioned it. I didn't even know she had one.”

“Really? Oh well. Hiding things from you already, is she?”

“Is there anything ya want me to tell her in my next letter?” Doug let it be known that he would stay in contact with Sarah, child or not.

“No, nothing,” John huffed.

“Well, then. Good bye.”

“So long, and watch yourself with her. She's worse than Johnny Reb.”

“I'm very unafraid.” Doug walked away.

The sun was hot as the fields of broom sage rippled in the soft July breeze. Meadow larks sang their cheerful melody to one another as Doug sat, propped on his bed roll, his accouterments at his side, and began scratching notes in his journal with a short led pencil. He decided to write Sarah.

Dear Sarah;

You'll never guess who I ran into: John! Why is he so bitter? He said you had a baby? Well, I know you, Sarah and that just doesn't add up. You never told me about it either. I don't suppose it's any of my business anyway, but my Lord, John is off his rocker. He's crazy, Sarah. Completely mad! If you loved me half as much as I know you loved him I would never have let you go! I can't understand him. I thought I knew him, I thought he loved you as much as I did. Evidently not

Which brings me to my sad news, Gracie is very ill with typhoid. I got this news the same day I received your last letter. They say she's not expected to pull through. In fact, she may already be gone. Lord, I feel so guilty about marrying her. I loved her dearly and I wanted a wife and family. After that day on the train I felt as though I had ruined any chance with you, the one I truly wanted and loved. That's why I went ahead and married Gracie. Now my conscience sorely plagues me, for once again, my Dear, you are all I can think about in the midst of tragedy. I never loved Gracie as a husband should, I know she never expected me to as she never loved me either. But now I'm losing my dearest friend on earth and I need you so badly. As far as I am able to love, I love you, Sarah Rush, and I think it's important that you know that.

I hope you don't get offended by me saying these things to you right now, but it's the truth it's always been the truth and it will always be the truth, no matter how much I try to hide it, ignore it or forget it. I have loved you from the first day I laid eyes on you. You don't have to feel the same about me, I just wanted you to know what was in my heart should anything happen to me

Another thing I need you to know is that I am guilty of a falsehood, one I was ordered to tell you. I knew John was alive and where he was when I came to you that day before I took you home. But it was too unsafe for anyone, even you, to know his whereabouts. I never heard anything else about him, never saw him again. After a long while, I just assumed he was dead. I thought surely Mr. Tyson would have told me had he made a safe getaway. I suppose they thought it too dangerous for me to know anymore than I already did. I hope you understand it was all done for John's safety, or else I never would have lied to you like that. I never would have allowed you to hurt like that if it was not absolutely necessary

There is much to forgive of me, my dearest Sarah. If you can forgive me and if I make it through this war, if any of us do, perhaps you wouldn't mind floating down that stream with me someday all dressed in white?

No matter what, I'll love you forever,

Doug

“What's wrong, Sarah?” Nora Looked at her.

“It's John.”

“What about him?”

“My friend Doug saw him.” Nora came and sat down beside her.

“And... what happened?”

“He told him I had a baby and Lord only knows what else. But, Nora, Doug said he loves me.”

“Doug? Didn't you tell me he was married?”

“Yes and she's very ill with typhoid. They don't think she's going to make it.”

“And so he's moved on to you, huh? That's ugly! What a scoundrel!”

“No, it's not like that at all. I can't explain it, you'd have to know Doug. Here, you read the letter. I think I'm going to go for a walk.”

“Are you sure you don't mind me prying into all your little secrets?”

“There's no secrets here. Read to your heart's content.” Sarah left and walked up the hill. The top was covered with the sweet white blooms of the Cherokee Roses. She picked a handful as she thought about the legend of how the Cherokee chiefs had prayed for a sign of hope. After this the Cherokee Rose began to flourish along the trail from the Carolinas to Indian Territory in the west... .
Everywhere a tear fell, a flower was watered and grew.'
She lay on the warm ground and buried her nose in the beautiful blossoms.
I'm pretty sure I've watered my fair share of you myself,
she whispered

Later that same evening Sarah sat down to write Doug. She wasn't sure of what to say. She certainly didn't want to lose her good friend and she did care for him.
What can I tell a man whose wife is on her death bed?
It was a very awkward situation, to say the least. It helped to know that neither of them had ever actually loved one another... not like that anyway... but, still this was going to be a difficult letter to write. She began.

My Very Dearest Doug;

I was so sorry to hear of Gracie's sickness. Maybe she will make it. She's in my prayers as you are. I guess in a world as crazy as this we haven't time for etiquette and the like as we use to. I'm not offended at your words. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am leery of them. Not for the same old reasons, but because I was hurt by someone I trusted with all my heart. I'm just not ready to trust my love to anyone... at least not right now. It's not you, it's the pain that's still in my heart. I understand why you had to tell me that about John. There was a time when that would have enraged me and made me hate you, but now I understand more than ever how important love and forgiveness are and you have both from me

Yes, I was pregnant... yes it was a tragedy. Yes, It was the product of a forced encounter.

Shane was one of my best friends in the world and I did love him. We were going to marry when I thought John was dead. I wanted a life of my own. Not that I had forgotten John. I just wanted to stop the hurting... stop the crying. After I was raped, I wanted to be protected. I wanted to feel safe. Shane was there for me. He eased the pain and made me feel happy again. But it all changed when John came back into the picture. I followed my heart to a dream that was never meant to be.

When it came out that I was pregnant I hid what had happened from everyone. I thought I was doing the right thing but Shane got blamed
.
Yet he knew it wasn't his and demanded to know the truth. I told him about the rape and he went to kill the man who'd done it. To my horror, he wound up being shot! Within two days I lost two of the most important people in my life. One turned his back on me and the other was dead.

I left home with nothing but five dollars and the product of rape in my belly. I thought I would hate that child. It was the reason for so much torment and strife. But I had a revelation when I lost the innocent little being. I realized that I loved it no matter what! This was my child, no one else's. And I wanted it so badly, but God had other plans

Scars like this don't heal overnight, Doug. They don't heal over years... they may never heal! All I can promise you is this... I want to try and mend. I really do.

Love and many Prayers,

Sarah

Doug's heart raced as he read the letter. He rushed over to John's post. “Read this!” He slung the letter at him. John looked it over and saw Sarah's name on the envelope. He threw it back at Doug.

“I don't want to fill my head with her trash again!”

“Ya son of a bitch... Just read it!” He shoved the letter back towards John, who huffed as he ripped the letter from the envelope. Doug noticed the rise and fall of his brow as he read. His face became softer as he neared the end. Doug thought to himself,
You are crazy, Douglass Mahaffey! What are ya doin'? Tryin’ to get them back together?
But Doug realized that what he was really doing was defending Sarah's name and honor. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone thinking of her as a whore! He couldn't live seeing her name diminished and dragged through the dirt!

“She was raped?” John's voice quivered. “I never would have thought... ” He stopped.

“That's what she says.”

“Why didn't she tell me before?”

“I don't know... but knowin’ Sarah, I think she has a very good reason.”

“This doesn't make sense! She never said who did it. She must be lying!” His face hardened again.

“John, she and Shane never slept together... think for a minute, just think. If she didn't sleep with the man she was going to marry, why would she sleep with anyone else? If she did, who was he? If she loved him that much, why wasn't she marryin’ him? Look past your own hurt and see Sarah for who she is!”

“I can't... I just can't!” John thrust the letter into Doug's chest. “You put that idea in her head to say that she was raped! You thought of a good lie for her, didn't you?”

“Why would I do that? The last thing I want is to see you two back together! I love her and I want her myself! Think, John... just think! I want you to know the truth!”

“I don't want to hear anymore! Go paint your little ideas somewhere else and leave me alone!” John shouted.

“Ye'd rather see her as a whore than an innocent victim, wouldn't ya? If you were to look at the facts of the matter, you wouldn't be able to live with yerself, would you? To accuse a woman of being a whore when she was raped!”

“If she was raped, she should have told me!”

“Maybe you didn't give her time to tell ya.” All of a sudden there was a large explosion. Then another. They were under attack! Doug and John ran for cover.

Days passed with the constant thundering of cannon and rifle fire. The battlefield was riddled with bodies of both Union and Confederate soldiers. John, Doug and the rest of the two battalions were making ground and advancing southward when, from out of nowhere, shots begin coming from every which way. No one knew where to find cover. John found himself crouched behind a tree watching countless men being hit. Then, out of the corner of his eye, John saw a man in gray charging him. He raised his rifle and fired right into the man's belly. The man stood for a second looking right into John's eyes before falling. John couldn't believe who he was looking at. No, it couldn't be, no! It was impossible that it could be Nathan! John scurried over the ground to him. He quickly turned him over... thank God, he was still breathing. “Nathan, Nathan... I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was you! Please don't— don't die... I'll never be able to live with myself if you die! I didn't know, I didn't know!”

“Looks like you're finally rid of me.” Nathan cringed in pain.

“I don't want to be rid of you! How can you say that?”

“Forgive me John... forgive me?” He clutched at John's suit.

“Forgive you? For what?”

“I deserve this, I do. I hated you, I hated Sarah, I hate, John. I just hate. I hate so much that if you hadn't shot me just now I would have shot you and when I found out it was you I would have laughed and never thought about you again, I hate you so much. I don't want to hate, but I do. I can't help it. Forgive me, please... before I die? I don't want to go to hell. I don't want you to hate me.”

“Shush, Nathan... I-it's all right. It's going to be all right. I forgive you, will you forgive me? I didn't know it was you! I didn't know it was you!” John wailed.

“All I ever wanted was to be your brother, but I was never good enough, or smart enough. From the time Sarah was laid on our door step you made it clear that in your eyes she was better than any of us. Then you went off up north, you became a hero to everyone.
The great hope
. Always above me. I wanted to get nice things for Momma. Nothing I ever gave her or did for her ever measured up to your finery. You were just always out of my reach. I hated the way that I didn't exist in your eyes and how you were in everyone else's. I didn't exist at all then. Now, thank God, I won't exist anywhere on earth. Who knows, maybe I'll be worth some sort of thought when I'm dead.” Nathan struggled for life as he clutched John's blue Uniform tighter. John took him up in his arms, sobbing.

“You can't die. Not now. Not like this. Give me a chance to make it right. Sarah is not who I thought she was and if I had known then what I know now I never would have taken up for her against you.”

Nathan saw the pain in John's face and the remorse in his eyes. He felt his life slipping away from him and he knew that John would never be able to overcome the pain of killing him. Unless he gave him one last jab, one last great push. Even though he longed for his brother's forgiveness now more than ever he had to be as crude in death as he'd been in life. He had to rouse John's anger. He had to make John hate him. Nathan's face changed from fear to seeming contempt as he said. “All of your life you've made things right. That's what makes you great. All your life you've played the hero of every book you've ever read. I won't give you another chance at greatness through me. I'd rather be dead.” He said with a bitter snarl. “Anyhow, If you truly knew me and what I had done, you would be glad you'd shot me, just as glad as I would have been to shoot you.” It was becoming harder for him to breathe but he had to cleanse his soul before he went. He had to take this burden from John.