Called to Order (30 page)

“I created a world of floating flora and butterflies for her and rained them upon her perfect lily-white skin. She opened herself like a flower for my gifts, spreading herself wide before me. That was when I felt it. Upon the soles of my feet, the finest tickling, as if through the butterflies’ legs I could feel her flesh. I began to caress her flesh with their wings, as gentle as the petals of a rose, and I felt that as well. A tingle of sensation tickled over my palms. It was more than I had ever felt from her, yet still not enough. It was almost worse than never knowing how warm and soft she felt in those subtle touches, like breathing in the space of breath between the kiss your life depends on yet never getting any closer.

“I needed to feel her. She was my mate and a baser part of me refused to be denied. It occurred to me that if the butterflies could share their sensations of touch they could share their sense of taste. I had them bite her. Just a nip, but the second the tiny trickle of blood fell upon my tongue I knew I needed more. I wrapped her in the fluttery creatures, created thousands out of hundreds. It didn’t occur to me to stop until I had felt every part of her through them, tasted my fill. It was my right.”

He let out a pained sigh. “And then I heard her scream. She had become terrified. She flung the creatures away, her rejection of them cutting all the way to myself.”

Larissa waited, as he seemed to be remembering parts of the dream too painful to share. None of this made any sense. A mate was supposed to gain pleasure from the dreams as much as her counterpart. There should have been nothing sad or frightening about them.

“I did not try to participate in the next dream,” Cain said dejectedly. “I only watched her with me. I began to develop an unnatural jealousy for myself. After sitting back and watching for a while, I tried to shout at her to see me, but no words came out. It is a helpless feeling I never hope you need to experience, being so close to your mate, yet forbidden by some higher power to have her.

“Before long I had given up to what I knew would only frighten her again. I was beginning to forget her taste, that small sample of her beauty I was allowed to experience. I was afraid if I lost the memory of her flavor I would somehow lose her forever. So I sacrificed my call to put her always ahead of myself and did the undignified self-serving thing and bit her again. I found many ways to do it, none of them nice, all of them terrifying to her. And then the oddest thing happened. When she reached a point of true hysteria, I began to laugh in hysterics myself, as if to call God a bastard for driving me to such evils. I hated myself but accepted it all the same. The temptation was too much for me. So I laughed like a loon, and do you know what, Larissa?”

“What?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

“She heard me. She heard me, and I felt the fear in her double. My reward in torturing her was tainted. I had gotten what I begged for, prayed for, but at the cost of being the one thing she feared. And then something happened that made things become even worse if you could imagine.”

Larissa simply shook her head. How could any of this become any more awful?

“She called me Adam.”

The blood rushed from her limbs and chills prickled her body from scalp to toes. “That’s impossible.”

“Is it? We have always been a little bit more in tune with each other than most. I figured it right that our mates should call us each at the same time. When Adam admitted he was dreaming, I was happy for him. Our women would have each other as we have always had one another. His symptoms seemed to be progressing faster than my own. The sun has yet to bother me, and I am as keen as ever on my feet. When Adam left, I figured I would not be that far behind, but he returned only a few days later with his mate in tow. I envied his good luck, I admit, but I was still happy for him.

“Imagine my surprise however, when I saw him with Annalise. Of course I still did not know her name, but I knew her face. I knew that shade of hair that no one else could ever lay claim to. Her lashes that swept out brown from the root and appeared the color of sunlight at the tips, as if she hid a pot of powdered gold by her bed to dust them each morning. I could never touch her, but I always watched her, like a blind man whose senses become heightened to a point of giftedness. I knew every curve, every hue, and every sound that made up who she was. Yet all she knew was my brother.”

“It’s impossible,” Larissa whispered. “Our called mates are chosen for us alone. There can be no confusion, no mix up. Destiny could not be so cruel.”

“Oh, I assure you, she can. Who do you think teaches unkindness to us? We learn from the best.”

“Oh, Cain—”

“Do not hold sympathy for me just yet, sister. I have yet to confess the extent of my crimes.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the more I frightened her, the more I was able to speak to her. However, once I realized it was not myself that I was watching in my dreams, but my brother, I had nothing nice to say to her. She was falling for him. Letting him touch her intimately right before my eyes. And Adam took each dream as his entitlement. To hear her call his name and laugh at his jokes, smile at him as if he hung the moon. Well, I am afraid I could not take anymore. I decided to let Adam have her. To the better man go the spoils and all that, but Destiny is a shrew. No matter how resigned I became to allowing my brother the salvation that was Annalise, I was still forced to witness their dreams, each one growing more and more familiar and intense. They never saw me, but I was there, seeing them every time.

“The day I saw her at the big house, I snapped. I could not help but toy with her. She had no hand in my pain, but a small part of me blamed her all the same. I let Adam see what it feels like to watch another man’s hands on his mate. She was as much mine as she was his anyway. Only the moment I didn’t act like pure and perfect Adam, I saw her retreat into herself. I didn’t have long to think about it. Adam attacked me, and I left, again a failure in regards to my mate.

“I didn’t care anymore. Everyone would ultimately take Adam’s side, so why bother justifying my actions to the others? She cannot connect with me, nor does she want me. Hopefully the symptoms progress faster now and soon I will be nothing more than a memory to all of you.”

“How can you say that? Cain, you cannot allow yourself to become
feeish.
Something must be done. Annalise needs to be told about this. She will understand. We will make her understand!”

“Oh, I believe she understands now. Had a wee chat with her last night in a dream. Like I said, if I frighten her enough, she can hear me. She actually saw me as well. I was so outraged at the monster I was forced to become that I only became more evil with every breath. Soon I found myself able to feel her, but only if I kept her in a state of panic. I was horrible to her. Any punishment the elders deem fit for me, I assure you, it is not punishment enough for my crimes where Annalise is concerned. I deserve to be slaughtered like the beast that I am.”

“Cain, you must stop harassing her in the dreams. Suffer in silence if that is your lot. Anna is a good girl, and this is scary enough for her. If you care at all for her, give her that peace. If that is all you can offer her, so be it. None of this makes any sense, yet I know without a doubt you are not evil. This is killing you. I can see it. You must let her go. I believe she is falling in love with Adam.”

“And what of me?” He hissed, causing her to flinch. “Do I not deserve love as much as my brother?”

“You know you do!” Larissa cried. She hated to see him so tortured. The unjustness of all of this made her want to curse her God for being so cruel. “Cain, please.” The sound of the barn door sliding closed had her lowering her voice to a whisper. “Please, do not do anything hasty. Go to the elders. Explain what has happened. Be kind to Annalise, and you shall find the reward you are due.”

“My reward should have been her,” he said venomously. “It does not matter.”

“How can you say that? This confusion has caused a rift within our family. It will only get worse if one of you does not survive it. Consider Mother. You cannot intend to put her through the loss of another child. Whether you destroy yourself or simply run away, you are still her child, and I do not believe she will survive the grief.”

“And what of my grief? Am I to beg forgiveness for doing as I was taught and following my call, and then simply smile like a good
breder
when Adam and Anna announce the birth of their first child? How many children do you suppose I could live through, how many anniversaries, and family dinners, before I truly lose my mind?”

Larissa saw Silus returning to the house. She blotted away the evidence of her tears and quickly whispered, “Then do it for me, Cain. When I say you are my friend, it is because you are. You are the only one Silus welcomes here without complaint. You are all I have left to talk to. Gracie is too young to understand why I am the way I am and I do not want to burden her. Mother cannot handle my troubles on top of her own. I would break her heart. You are whom God has given me to lean on. If you leave, I am sure the last of my strength would crumble and I will fall.”

Cain’s lips pressed together as he blanked his expression. There was not time to answer. She only hoped she had gotten through to him. Silus came up the porch and nodded to Cain. Her brother stood and gently kissed her cheek. “It was a nice visit, sister. Be well.” He turned and nodded to her husband one last time. “Silus.” And then he moved quickly off of the porch and into the shadows. Larissa tried to keep her emotions in check, no matter how much she feared that would be the last she ever saw of her brother Cain.

“Did you have a good visit?” Silus asked, and she nodded. “Very well. Let us be going to bed then.”

She stood from her rocker on shaky legs and dutifully followed her husband into the house. Already, her veneer was cracking like an old, worn teacup, a webbing of breaks just waiting for one sure tick to shatter everything once and for all.

Chapter 22

Adam had the truck loaded with the last of Anna’s belongings not twenty minutes after sunset. Sometimes it was nice having a vampire boyfriend who could lift a couch without breaking a sweat.

“Will I be as strong as you if I change?”

Adam helped her into the passenger side of the cab and smiled. “Yes.”

“How fast can you run?”

“I can make it to Bensalem and back in less than three hours.”

Anna did the math in her head. “Holy shit, that’s like thirty miles an hour!”

“Language.”

“What do you say when you get pissed off, sorry, irritated?”

He rolled his eyes at her. “I try not to get too irritated at little things. If I need to voice my frustrations I do so without employing foul words.”

Anna screwed her lips up in the corner of her mouth and crossed her arms. “Well, I’ve been cursing since I was a kid. It’s going to be a challenge for me to stop.”

“All I ask is that you try.”

She watched as Adam navigated through the busier roads and onto the turnpike. He didn’t seem to mind when other drivers beeped and yelled out their windows criticizing his senior citizen driving skills. She smiled to herself. He may drive like an old fart, but he could kick any one of those hotheaded drivers right in the ass.

“Do you think you could lift up a car?”

He chuckled. “Why this sudden obsession with my abilities?”

“Well, you’re, like, super strong. If I am considering becoming a vampire I want to know what kind of stuff I would be able to do.”

“And why would you need to lift a car?”

“Because it would be cool.”

“If you decide to change there will be many things you will see you can do that before you could not.”

“Like what? Tell me one cool thing you’ve done that you were proud of. Impress me.”

“I believe I impressed you last night.”

She gasped. “I cannot believe you just said that! I think my poor manners are wearing off on you.”

“You do not have poor manners.”

“The things I say offend you,” she argued.

“That’s not true. I’d prefer it if you did not swear because the Bible says it is wrong, but what you say never offends me. I love listening to you talk and find the things you say fascinating. You fascinate me.”

A silly, juvenile warmth washed over her at his words. She punched him in the arm. “Jerk.”

“Why am I a jerk? I am not sure if that is a swear, but I’m sure I do not like you calling me one.”

“Sorry. You aren’t one you know. You just embarrassed me. I’m not used to such sweet talk.”

“I was only being honest, Anna. I always want there to be honesty between us. That’s what I am trying to say. As much as I would appreciate you cleaning up your language, I do not want you to sensor your thoughts. There is nothing you could say that would make me reject you. Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” she said more seriously. Anna had been in a rather jovial mood. She recognized that it was all a defense mechanism to stifle her fear. She had been more than rattled by her nightmare about Cain. Annalise knew she was going to allow Adam to bond with her. Not out of fear of his brother, but out of fear of losing him. He had become someone she wanted in her life.

E-mailing her professors had been a priority a few days ago, but when she found their replies in her inbox, she barely glanced at them. Something about the next session beginning in six weeks and so long as she finished her finals within four weeks she would still pass. Anna really didn’t care. Funny how something that consumed her every thought for the past few years now seemed shockingly inconsequential.

Anna had convinced herself that it was her calling in life to be a medical assistant, but now she felt differently. If she had ever been called to anything, it was to be Adam’s mate. If she were being honest, her decision to become a medical assistant was strongly rooted in affordability of the courses, her tolerance for science, and her desire to not be a waitress forever. She had anxiously anticipated getting her degree, but there had never really been the passionate driving force she suspected one felt about a true calling. The pleasure she felt working in her field was laughable compared to the passion she associated with Adam.

Education was never wasted. She could always find some sort of use for her medical knowledge on the farm. Did vampires get sick?
 
No, probably not. She knew they could have children. Perhaps she could be some sort of midwife on the farm if there wasn’t one already.

Adam had told her a way to ensure Cain did not come after her, but he did not press the issue. They agreed that being on the farm was safer than remaining in the suburbs, and Anna saw no reason for leaving her belongings behind in an apartment she was planning on abandoning. If Adam took comfort in this, he made no sign of it. He simply carried her belongings out to the truck, secured them in place, and helped her clean away the remaining dust bunnies that were left behind.

She should have felt some sense of loss at leaving her apartment. It had been her home since her mother died. Yet she had never truly moved in. All of her items from her life before were sitting in a storage facility off of Route One. She never did make it to the point that she was ready to deal with her mother’s passing. What would her mother say if she could see her now?

Her mother had always made life seem like an unending chore. Would she tell her daughter she was making a mistake choosing eternity? Would she have liked Adam? She most likely would have shit a brick if she got a look at Anna in her prairie garb on the farm. Oops. Pooped a brick.

Annalise missed her mother in times like this. It seemed she was spoiled with meaningless moments of guidance when she was a child, but as an adult, when the hard decisions had to be made, Anna was forever on her own. She had no idea if she was wrecking her life or doing the right thing.

“What is wrong,
ainsicht
?”

“What?”

“You are sad.”

She frowned at Adam. “How can you tell that?”

“I can feel it. The more…time we spend together the stronger your emotions register with me.”

“By ‘time’ do you mean the more you drink from me?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” She tucked her leg under her and settled more comfortably into her seat. “I was thinking about my mother.”

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. When he finally spoke, his words seemed guarded. “Do you believe in heaven?”

“I suppose I believe in some sort of afterlife. I just don’t know if it includes angels on fluffy, white clouds playing harps.”

“Are you afraid you will never see your mother again?”

“I don’t know if I ever believed I would. In a way, I’m okay with that. It may make me a shi…terrible…daughter, but it makes it easier to think that way. If I went on expecting some incredible reunion in the hereafter, I think it would make it a struggle to keep on living in the now. I’m not sure if I ever really grieved properly for her. Isn’t that awful?”

“We all grieve differently. I imagine grief sometimes lasts a lifetime and cannot be expelled in one quick dose.”

“You’re right I suppose. I just feel like I cheated her in some way. We all are given this one life and once it’s over, all we have is the memories of others to make it all worth something. I can’t even look at her belongings. I never have. I just wrapped all her things in nice, neat, little boxes the same as I did her. Out of sight, out of mind.”

“If those items cause you pain, I do not see why you would want to see them.”

“Most of it is junk. I’m afraid if I touch her clothing, I will smell her and fall to pieces. There are some things I wish I had the courage to find, but I’m afraid if I go looking for those things, I’ll stumble across memories I don’t want to deal with. It would be inevitable to go through all those boxes and not get nostalgic. As much as I would like to have those things, I’m too much of a coward to go get them.”

“Tell me about these things you remember. Perhaps talking about them would bring a comfort close enough to substitute the comfort of holding them.”

“It’s silly, really. I remember this ugly vase we had in our living room. It was white with blue scrollwork on it. I guess it was an urn of some sort, nothing valuable. She probably got it at a flea market. We were never allowed to touch it. It was incredibly fragile. Its tapered lid had a tiny china ball at the top you had to pinch to open. Every year on Easter, my mother would hide my favorite egg inside it. I would search the house high and low for the one egg I always knew was missing and even though she hid my favorite there every year, it never occurred to me until late at night to check the vase. I would sit in bed wondering where the egg could have gone. The next morning I would wake my mother up and ask her if we could check inside. She would reluctantly agree, the whole time acting as if the egg couldn’t possibly be inside.

“She would sit me down and hold the base of the vase. My small fingers would pinch the lid, but before I lifted it I would look at her one last time to make sure it was okay I was touching it. She would nod and I would slowly lift the top. Despite my intentions to be careful, my hands always shook just a little at the rarity of having permission to touch the ugly urn. I would shut my eyes as the rim gently clattered against the lip of the vase. Once the lid was safely off the top, we would each peer into the narrow opening. I remember, when our heads were close like that, I could smell my mother’s perfume, some old drugstore brand I doubt they even make anymore. When we would see the egg in the bottom, she always said the same thing, ‘Well, what do ya know. That silly rabbit.’”

Adam reached for her hand and tucked it gently by his hip. “That is a nice memory, Annalise. It is okay to cry for it.”

She hadn’t realized she was crying, but when she brushed her fingers under her eyes, sure enough they were wet. Anna thought about Adam’s mother. She was so sweet and kind. “Adam?”

“Yes.”

“What will happen when we get back? Will you tell your family about Cain?”

“I will tell the council, but you do not need to concern yourself with that. I promise I won’t let him harm you.”

“But what about your mother? Will she know?”

“I think it is inevitable.”

“This will crush her.”

Adam sighed. “This is not your doing, Anna. Do not hold yourself responsible for things you cannot control or prevent.”

“Your father will see it as my fault.”

“No he won’t. He will see it as—”

“Adam, I see the way he looks at your mother. You are his children, but she is his mate. He chose her in spite of what God’s plan was. He will choose her over his children. He certainly will choose her over me. He will see me as the cause of her grief. None of this will end well. Cain will be punished, and she’ll harbor resentment toward me I will never be able to mend. Her heartache will become your father’s cross to bear.”

“Do you remember years ago there was a tragic attack on an Amish community? Did they show that in English news?”

Anna thought back. She remembered a story about a small community being brutalized by an everyday citizen on a rampage. Many had died, innocents just going about their business when in walked a mad man to their peaceful little corner of the world. “Yes, I remember that.”

“Well, never forget,
ainsicht,
we may be a lot of things, but we are always Christian. We prayed many nights for the families of the victims in that tragedy, but we also prayed for forgiveness of the man who harmed them. Forgiveness is necessary in this life. Without it, we only punish ourselves. My parents will not begrudge you for Cain’s fate, nor will they resent God for making things so. Everything happens for a reason. It is between Cain and God what takes place next.”