Calling All Birdbrains

Map

Morning Announcements

1.
“Bite My Beak!”

2.
A Noisy Tug-of-War

3.
Totally Busted

4.
Who's a Dumb Tweet?

5.
The Ecch Needs a Partner

6.
Time to Start Gacking

7.
Get Out the Mop

8.
Is There a Cure for Bad Luck?

9.
Lippy Takes a Powder

10.
Angel's Little Joke

11.
Good News, Bad News

12.
Bernie the Human Pretzel

13.
“What Have I Done?”

14.
Who Deserves a Little Bad Luck?

15.
Bird Plop for Brains

16.
Time to Start Acking

17.
“Urrrrrrp,” Crench Replied

18.
Gassy Shows Off

19.
Who's a Good Bird?

20.
Feathers Fly

21.
L-O-S-E-R

22.
Flat Bernie

About the Author

Other Books by Rotten School Series

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

Good morning, Rotten Students. This is Headmaster Upchuck. Please put away all sharp objects. You know you can't be trusted with sharp objects.

I hope you are all having a Rotten Day. Here are this morning's important announcements….

 

I'm sorry to announce that third grader Harry Legg is the first student in school history to
flunk
Morning Announcements. I'm sure Harry will do much better when he repeats third grade next year.

 

Chef Baloney would like all students to know that the object found in the salad last night was
not
a human finger. It was a chimpanzee finger.

 

Fifth grader Chasen Flyballz will be showing off his pierced tongue at table six in the Dining Hall at lunch. As usual, Chasen will be sitting alone.

 

The sixth grade Dress-Up Dance will be held tonight in the gym. The theme of the dance is: “Party Till You're Sick.” Everyone should come dressed as your favorite disease.

 

The After-School Big Eaters Club is holding its Charity Burp-Off in the Dining Hall at lunch. The club hopes to raise five hundred dollars for kids in other countries who cannot burp.

“Uno!” I cried. I slapped my cards down on the table. “Pay up, guys. Pay up.”

Sherman Oaks, that spoiled, rich brat, pulled some money from his gold money clip. He shook his head. “You've won every game, Bernie. I'm down to my last five hundred dollars!”

“When you're hot, you're hot,” I said, taking his money. “Come on, total up your cards, Feenman. You owe me big-time!”

Across the table, my friend Crench groaned. “Bernie, you're
unbelievable
. How can one person
win TWENTY Uno games in a row?”

I flashed him my million-dollar grin. “Guess I'm just lucky!” I reached up to my shoulder and petted Lippy, my adorable parrot.

he squawked.

He's so sweet! Who taught him to say those cute things?

He dug his claws into my shoulder as I tickled his feathers. That adorable parrot always warms my heart.

Across the card table, Sherman's pal Wes Updood was still counting his cards. “Do all worms come from Ohio?” he muttered. “Even Gummi Worms? That's just totally Toledo—know what I mean?”

Wes is the coolest dude at Rotten School. He's so totally cool, no one can understand a word he says!

“Goat's milk,” Wes muttered. “What's up with goats, anyway? Do they have to be so short? That's totally Toledo. Yo!” He went back to counting his Uno cards.

Feenman yawned so hard, he fell off his chair. He sat on the floor and rubbed his red eyes. “Bernie, what time is it?”

Sherman raised his
huge
gold watch. The watch has so many jewels and so many gadgets, it weighs nearly forty pounds. Sherman usually pays a first grader to carry it around for him.

“Whoa,” he said, squinting at the flashing dial. “You wouldn't
believe
the temperature on Mars!”

“I just want to know the time,” Feenman said, curling up on the floor.

“It's six in the morning,” I said. I pointed to the clock on the wall.

Lippy chirped. He dug his claws deeper into my shoulder.

Wes and Sherman stood up, shaking their heads, watching me count my winnings. “See you, guys,” Sherman said, starting to the door.

“Rather
be
you than
see
you,” Wes said.

Did
that
make any sense?

You probably go home after school every day. But
our school is a boarding school. That means we
live
here. We can do whatever we want. No parents! And
that
means staying up all night!

We have our all-night Uno tournaments in a tiny back room in the Student Center. All the lights are out in the building. No one knows we are here.

When we sneak back to our dorms, we have to be very careful. I don't know why—but for some reason, Headmaster Upchuck doesn't approve of all-night card games.

Sherman and Wes closed the door behind them.

Crench jumped to his feet. “Bernie, tell me your secret,” he said. “How did you win every game? Tell me!
How
?” He grabbed the front of my shirt—and knocked Lippy off my shoulder.

The bird let out a cry as he hit the floor. Then he was silent.

I gasped. I spun away from Crench and dropped to
the floor in a panic. I scooped up the parrot in my hands. “Lippy, speak to me!” I cried. “
Speak
to me!”

Lippy squawked.

I cradled Lippy against my chest. “Thank
goodness
you're okay.”

Feenman squinted at me. “Bernie, why do you bring that squawking bird to all our card games?” he asked.

“Yeah, he's just a stupid bird. What's the big deal?” Crench said.

My two best buddies in the world, and they didn't understand.

“Hel-lo!” I said. “Just a stupid bird? I don't
think
so! Want to know how I win every game? You're
looking
at him! It's Lippy. He's a
lucky
bird!”