Calling All Birdbrains (6 page)

It broke my heart—but what choice did I have?

I waited till all the kids were on their way to dinner in the Dining Hall. I couldn't eat. I was too upset.

I put Lippy into his cage and carried it to the side of the girls' dorm. I set the cage down in the grass next to the door.

I blew Lippy a kiss. “Don't worry,” I said. “A nice girl will adopt you and give you a good home.”

He was so cute. I almost changed my mind.

But…no way. I had to leave my bad luck behind.

I blew him another kiss, forced myself to turn away—and ran all the way back to Rotten House.

“Bernie? Bernie—come here a minute.” Mrs. Heinie stopped me at the stairs.

Uh-oh. Was this good luck or bad?

“Uh…sorry, Mrs. H.,” I said. “No time to talk right now. I'm skipping dinner tonight. You know I like to study for at least six hours every night. Four hours just isn't enough. I want to learn, learn, learn!”

She rolled her eyes. “Tell me another one,” she said. “Bernie, I
know
Belzer does your homework for you every night.”

“No way,” I said. “I do all the thinking. He just writes it down.”

“Bernie, give me a break,” Mrs. Heinie said. “I just want to congratulate you. You did such a
wonderful
mopping job. I think you deserve an extra dessert tonight!”

Lippy was gone for only two minutes—and my luck was changing already!

I thanked Mrs. Heinie and hurried to the Dining Hall. On the way, I found a crisp dollar bill lying in the grass. More good luck! And
two
desserts waiting for me!

Could life get any better?

Later that night, I even found my spare set of glasses. I sat in my room watching Belzer do my homework. I looked up when I heard a knock at the door.

“Yo, Bernie!” Angel Goodeboy walked in—carrying the birdcage with Lippy inside it.

Angel's blue eyes twinkled. “Bernie, I found your parrot by the girls' dorm,” he said. “I rescued him for you. Please—don't thank me. I know how crazy you are about this bird!”

“But—but—” I sputtered.

Angel giggled. Then he set the cage down and hurried away.

Another knock on the door. Mrs. Heinie poked her head in. “By the way, Bernie,” she said. “You did such a great cleaning job, I want you to mop the
floors
every week
!”

I let out a long groan. Bad luck. Bad luck for Bernie B.

Bad-Luck Lippy was back.

The next morning, I heard thundering hoofbeats again as I headed across the Great Lawn to class. I tried to run, but Jennifer Ecch tackled me from behind and dropped me to the ground.

“Good morning, Sweet Cakes,” she said. She sat on my chest so I couldn't escape.

“Don't call me Sweet Cakes,” I said, spitting grass from between my teeth. “What do you want, Jennifer?”

She took my hand and licked it for a while. I told you—she's crazy nuts about me.

“Jennifer, please—I just had a shower,” I said.

“Remember about the I. B. Rotten Games?” she asked. “You and I are going to be a great team—aren't we, Bernie Face?”

“Uh…I can't breathe,” I gasped. “I think you crushed my ribs to sawdust.”

She giggled. “You know I want to win every game and take home the I. B. Rotten Trophy.”

“T-trophy?” I stammered, feeling my lungs collapse beneath her.

“I collect trophies,” The Ecch said. “I have two thousand of them in my dorm room. Just the ones I could bring from home.”

“N-nice,” I choked out.

She leaned over me and narrowed her brown eye and her blue eye to slits. “You'd better not mess up, Goo-Goo Eyes,” she said. “You'd better help me win every game. I'd
hate
to do some more arm cracking! I'd hate to bend you into a pretzel.”

Yikes!
More arm cracking? Pretzel
b
ending?

I
need
my arms to play Uno!

“Hey, I'm a winner,” I said. “No way we can lose!”

She climbed off, lifted me up with one hand, and
dusted me off with the other. Then she gave my hand one last, long, sticky lick with her big cow tongue and thundered off to class.

No way we can
win
, I thought sadly. Not with Bad-Luck Lippy around.

The Ecch will be cracking my arms into talcum powder.

Unless…

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

I ran back to the dorm and picked up Lippy in his cage. I carried the cage to the middle of R.U. Dumm Field, our soccer field.

I pulled open the cage door and lifted my sweet parrot out. Then I held him in both hands in front of me.

I had tears in my eyes. My whole body was trembling. But I had no choice.

I raised Lippy high—and tossed him into the sky.

“You're free, Lippy!” I cried. “Free! Fly away! Fly away, free!”

Tears blurred my eyes. But I watched Lippy flap his wings and fly. He sailed up to the clouds, turned, and flew away.

I brushed away my tears. “He'll have a happier life,” I told myself. “And so will I.”

I trudged to class, thinking about my sweet bird and all his clever, adorable sayings. I didn't hear a word Mrs. Heinie said all morning.

At lunch in the Dining Hall, my stomach was doing somersaults. I couldn't eat a thing.

My friend Beast dipped his head into my plate
and gobbled down my entire lunch. Beast does that to everyone. That's why he usually sits alone.

I didn't care about food. I was too upset over my tragic loss.

When I got outside, I realized Beast had also eaten my
shirt
!

Mrs. Heinie wouldn't let me back into class with a bare chest. So I made my way back to Rotten House.

All across the Great Lawn, kids were laughing, singing, dancing, pushing each other into Pooper's Pond. I wished I could be happy, too.

But I just kept muttering to myself, “What have I done? What have I
done
?”

I pulled myself up the stairs to the third floor and stepped into my room.

And there sat Lippy on his perch by the open window.

“Lippy! You're home!” I cried happily.

I ran across the room with outstretched arms. “Here's a big hug! Here's a big hug for my pretty bird!”

Halfway to the window, I tripped over some books on the floor, fell hard—and cut both knees.

Bad Luck Lippy strikes again.

Forget the hug. The bird had to go!

I bandaged my knees. Then I picked up the squawking bad-luck bird and carried him outside.

The Bernie B. brain was plugging and chugging.
I knew Lippy wouldn't
fly
away. But maybe…maybe I could
give
him away!

I walked past the girls' dorm. No one around. I turned and crossed R.U. Dumm Field. Some third graders had an air soccer game going.

Can you imagine playing soccer without a ball?!

No way
I'd trust any of them with my precious Lippy!

I followed the path across the Great Lawn. I heard a growl and saw Beast down on all fours, chasing a squirrel. Maybe Beast would like a pet, I thought.

But no. Bad idea. Beast ate a
chipmunk
last week on a dare.

“Who needs a nice parrot?” I asked myself. “Who deserves a little bad luck?”

And then I saw Sherman Oaks. He was standing in the middle of a crowd of kids. Sherman, my old buddy. What do you give a kid who already has
everything
?

A bad-luck parrot, of course.

Sherman was showing off, as usual. The kids were all oohing and aahing as Sherman demonstrated his new, solid gold cell phone.

“The screen lights up, and the back lights up, and the
sides
light up,” Sherman said. “When you hold it, your
hand
lights up!”

“This phone is so powerful,” Sherman said, “it picks up calls
from other planets
!”

Sherman is the luckiest dude on earth, I decided. Should I give Lippy to him and change his luck?

How
great
would that be?

The idea got me so excited, I squeezed Lippy a little too hard.

He made a gagging sound and spit up some yellow
gunk onto my school blazer.

“Yo! Sherman!” I shouted. I pushed my way through the crowd. “Sherman, I've got something special for you, dude! This is your lucky day!”