Can You Forgive Her? (25 page)

But Alice trembled as the cab drew up at No. 3, Paramount Crescent. She met her aunt, as was usual, just inside the drawing-room door, and she saw at once that if any bitterness had passed away from that face, the original bitterness must indeed have been bitter. She had so timed her letter that Lady Macleod should have no opportunity of answering it The answer was written there in
the mingled anger and sorrow of those austere features.

‘Alice!’ she said, as she took her niece in her anus and kissed her; ‘oh, Alice, what is this?’

‘Yes, aunt; it is very bad, I know,’ and poor Alice tried to make a jest of it. ‘Young ladies are very wicked when they don’t know their own minds. But if they haven’t known them and have been wicked, what can they do but repent?’

‘Repent!’
said Lady Macleod. ‘Yes; I hope you will repent Poor Mr Grey; – what must he think of it?’

‘I can only hope, aunt, that he won’t think of it at all for very long.’

‘That’s nonsense, my dear. Of course hell think of it, and of course you’ marry him.’

‘Shall I, aunt?’

‘Of course you will Why, Alice, hasn’t it been all settled among families? Lady Midlothian knew all the particulars of it just
as well as I did. And is not your word pledged to him? I really don’t understand what you mean. I don’t see how it is possible you should go back. Gentlemen when they do that kind of thing are put out of society; – but I really think it is worse in a woman.’

‘Then they may if they please put me out of society; – only that I don’t know that I’m particularly hi it’

‘And the wickedness of the thing,
Alice! I’m obliged to say so.’

‘When you talk to me about society, aunt and about Lady Midlothian, I give up to you, willingly; – the more willingly, perhaps, because I don’t care much for one or the other.’ Here Lady Macleod tried to say a word; but she failed, and Alice went on, boldly looking up into her aunt’s face, which became a shade more bitter than ever. ‘But when you tell me about wickedness
and my conscience, then I must be my own judge. It is my conscience, and the fear of committing wickedness, that has made me do this.’

‘You should submit to be guided by your elders, Alice.’

‘No; my elders in such a matter as this cannot teach me. It cannot be right that I should go to a man’s house and be his wife, if I do not think that I can make him happy.’

‘Then why did you accept him?’

‘Because I was mistaken. I am not going to defend that If you choose to scold me for that, you may do so, aunt, and I will not answer you. But as to marrying him or not marrying him now, –as to that, I must judge for myself.’

It was a pity you did not know your own mind earlier.’

‘It was a pity, – a great pity. I have done myself an injury that is quite irretrievable; –I know that, and am prepared
to bear it. I have done him, too, an injustice which I regret with my whole heart I can only excuse myself by saying that I might have done him a worse injustice.’

All this was said at the very moment of her arrival, and the greeting did not seem to promise much for the happiness of the next month; but perhaps it was better for them both that the attack and the defence should thus be made suddenly,
at their first meeting. It is better to pull the string at once when you are in the shower-bath, and not to stand shivering, thinking of the inevitable shock which you can only postpone for a few minutes. Lady MacLeod in this case had pulled the string, and thus reaped the advantage of her alacrity.

‘Well, my dear,’ said her ladyship, ‘I suppose you will like to go upstairs and take off your
bonnet. Mary shall bring you some tea when you come down.’ So Alice escaped, and when she returned to the comfort of her cup of tea in the drawing-room, the fury of
the storm had passed away. She sat talking of other things till dinner; and though Lady Macleod did during the evening make one allusion to ‘poor Mr Grey’, the subject was allowed to drop. Alice was very tender as to her aunt’s ailments,
was more than ordinarily attentive to the long list of Cheltenham iniquities which was displayed to her, and refrained from combating any of her aunt’s religious views. After a while they got upon the subject of Aunt Greenow, for whose name Lady Macleod had a special aversion, – as indeed she had for all the Vavasor side of Alice’s family; and then Alice offered to read, and did read to her
aunt many pages out of one of those terrible books of wrath, which from time to time come forth and tell us that there is no hope for us. Lady Macleod liked to be so told; and as she now, poor woman, could not read at nights herself, she enjoyed her evening.

Lady Macleod no doubt did enjoy her niece’s sojourn at Cheltenham, but I do not think it could have been pleasant to Alice. On the second
day nothing was said about Mr Grey, and Alice hoped that by her continual readings in the book of wrath her aunt’s heart might be softened towards her. But it seemed that Lady Macleod measured the periods of respite, for on the third day and on the fifth she returned to the attack. ‘Did John Grey still wish that the match should go on?” she asked, categorically. It was in vain that Alice tried to
put aside the question, and begged that the matter might not be discussed. Lady Macleod insisted on her right to carry on the examination, and Alice was driven to acknowledge that she believed he did wish it. She could hardly say otherwise, seeing that she had at that moment a letter from him in her pocket, in which he still spoke of his engagement as being absolutely binding on him, and expressed
a hope that this change from London to Cheltenham would bring her round and set everything to rights. He certainly did, in a fashion, wave his hand over her, as Kate had said of him. This letter Alice had resolved that she would not answer. He would probably write again, and she would beg him to desist Instead of Cheltenham bringing her round, Cheltenham had made her firmer than ever in her resolution.
I am inclined to think that the best mode of bringing her round at this moment would have been a course of visits from her
cousin George, and a series of letters from her cousin Kate. Lady Macleod’s injunctions would certainly not bring her round.

After ten days, ten terrible days, devoted to discussions on matrimony in the morning, and to the book of wrath in the evening, – relieved by two tea-parties,
in which the sins of Cheltenham were discussed at length, – Lady Macleod herself got a letter from Mr Grey. Mr Grey’s kindest compliments to Lady Macleod. He believed that Lady Macleod was aware of the circumstances of his engagement with Miss Vavasor. Might he call on Miss Vavasor at Lady Macleod’s house in Cheltenham? and might he also hope to have the pleasure of making Lady Macleod’s
acquaintance? Alice had been in the room when her aunt received this letter, but her aunt had said nothing, and Alice had not known from whom the letter had come. When her aunt crept away with it after breakfast she had suspected nothing, and had never imagined that Lady Macleod, in the privacy of her own room looking out upon the stables, had addressed a letter to Nethercoats. But such a letter
had been addressed to Nethercoats, and Mr Grey had been informed that he would be received in Paramount Crescent with great pleasure.

Mr Grey had even indicated the day on which he would come, and on the morning of that day Lady Macleod had presided over the two teacups in a state of nervous excitement which was quite visible to Alice. More than once Alice asked little questions, not supposing
that she was specially concerned in the matter which had caused her aunt’s fidgety restlessness observing it so plainly that it was almost impossible not to allude to it. ‘There’s nothing the matter, my dear, at all,’ at last Lady Macleod said; but as she said so she was making up her mind that the moment had not come in which she must apprise Alice of Mr Grey’s intended visit. As Alice had questioned
her at the breakfast table she would say nothing about it then, but waited till the teacups were withdrawn, and till the maid had given her last officious poke to the fire. Then she began. She had Mr Grey’s letter in her pocket, and as she prepared herself to speak, she pulled it out and held it on the little table before her.

‘Alice,’ she said, ‘I expect a visitor here today.’

Alice knew instantly
who was the expected visitor. Probably any girl under such circumstances would have known equally well ‘A visitor, aunt!’ she said, and managed to hide her knowledge admirably.

‘Yes, Alice, a visitor. I should have told you before, only I thought, – I thought I had better not It is Mr – Mr Grey.’

‘Indeed, aunt! Is he coming to see you?’

‘Well; – he is desirous no doubt of seeing you more especially;
but he has expressed a wish to make my acquaintance, which I cannot, under the circumstances, think is unnatural. Of course, Alice, he must want to talk over this affair with your friends’

‘I wish I could have spared them,’ said Alice, – ‘I wish I could.’

‘I have brought his letter here, and you can see it if you please. It is very nicely written and as far as I am concerned I should not think
of refusing to see him. And now comes the question. What are we to do with him? Am I to ask him to dinner? I take it for granted that he will not expect me to offer him a bed, as he knows that I live in lodgings.’

‘Oh no, aunt; he certainly will not expect that’

‘But ought I to ask him to dinner? I should be most happy to entertain him, though you know how very scanty my means of doing so are;
– but I really do not know how it might be, – between you and him, I mean’’

‘We should not fight, aunt’

‘No, I suppose not; – but if you cannot be affectionate in your manner to him –’

‘I will not answer for my manners, aunt; but you may be sure of this, – that I should be affectionate in my heart I shall always regard him as a dearly loved friend; though for many years, no doubt, I shall be
unable to express my friendship.’

‘That may be all very well, Alice, but it will not be what he will want I think upon the whole that I had better not ask him to dinner.’

‘Perhaps not, aunt’

‘It is a period of the day hi which any special constraint among people is more disagreeable than at any other time, and then at
dinner the servants must see it. I think there might be some awkwardness
if he were to dine here.’

‘I really think there would,’ said Alice, anxious to have the subject dropped.

‘I hope he won’t think that I am inhospitable. I should be so happy to do the best I could for him, for I regard him, Alice, quite as though he were to be your husband. And when anybody at all connected with me has come to Cheltenham I always have asked them to dine, and then I have Gubbins’s
man to come and wait at table, – as you know.’

‘Of all men in the world Mr Grey is the last to think about it.’

‘That should only make me the more careful. But I think it would perhaps be more comfortable if he were to come in the evening.’

‘Much more comfortable, aunt’

‘I suppose he will be here in the afternoon, before dinner, and we had better wait at home for him. I dare say he’ll want
to see you alone, and therefore I’ll retire to my own rooms,’ – looking over the stables! Dear old lady. ‘But if you wish it, I will receive him first–and then Martha,’ – Martha was Alice’s maid–’can fetch you down.’

This discussion as to the propriety or impropriety of giving her lover a dinner had not been pleasant to Alice, but, nevertheless, when it was over she felt grateful to Lady Macleod.
There was an attempt in the arrangement to make Mr Grey’s visit as little painful as possible; and though such a discussion at such a time might as well have been avoided, the decision to which her ladyship had at last come with reference both to the dinner and the management of the visit was, no doubt, the right one.

Lady Macleod had been quite correct in all her anticipations. At three o’clock
Mr Grey was announced, and Lady Macleod, alone, received him in her drawing-room. She had intended to give him a great deal of good advice, to bid him still keep up his heart and as it were hold up his head, to confess to him how very badly Alice was behaving, and to express her entire concurrence with that theory of bodily ailment as the cause and origin of her conduct. But she found that Mr
Grey was a man to whom she could not give much
advice. It was he who did the speaking at this conference, and not she. She was overawed by him after the first three minutes. Indeed her first glance at him had awed her. He was so handsome, – and then, in his beauty, he had so quiet and almost saddened an airl Strange to say that after she had seen him, Lady Macleod entertained for him an infinitely
higher admiration than before, and yet she was less surprised than she had been at Alice’s refusal of him. The conference was very short; and Mr Grey had not been a quarter of an hour in the house before Martha attended upon her mistress with her summons.

Alice was ready and came down instantly. She found Mr Grey standing in the middle of the room waiting to receive her, and the look of majesty
which had cowed Lady Macleod had gone from his countenance. He could not have received her with a kinder smile, had she come to him with a promise that she would at this meeting name the day for their marriage. ‘At any rate it does not make him unhappy,’ she said to herself.

‘You are not angry,’ he said, ‘that I should have followed you all the way here, to see you.’

‘No, certainly; not angry,
Mr Grey. All anger that there may be between us must be on your side. I feel that thoroughly,’

‘Then there shall be none on either side. Whatever may be done, I will not be angry with you. Your father advised me to come down here to you.’

‘You have seen him, then?’

‘Yes, I have seen him. I was in London the day you left’

‘It is so terrible to think that I should have brought upon you all this
trouble.’

‘You will bring upon me much worse trouble than that unless –. But I have not now come down here to ten you that I believe that according to rule in such matters I should not have come to you at all, but I don’t know that I care much about such rules.’

‘It is I that have broken all rules.’

‘When a lady tells a gentleman that she does not wish to see more of him–’