Cast Me Gently (15 page)

“Are you kidding?” Teresa looked at her watch. “Right now, most of the family is gathered at the aunts’ house for Christmas Eve dinner. They’ll eat on and off all night until midnight Mass. Only after we get home from church will it be quiet in our house. And then tomorrow, it starts all over again. We’ll open presents at our house, and then we’ll go to church and back over to the aunts’ house to start cooking and eating again and opening more presents. We won’t be back home until tomorrow night. Maybe then—if no one got in an argument—will it be quiet again.”

Ellie sighed. “It sounds wonderful.”

Teresa laughed and unlocked the car. “We’ll see how wonderful you think it is tomorrow.”

Teresa drove through nearly deserted streets to Ellie’s apartment building. They sat in the car, neither wanting to say good night. Ellie slipped her glove off and bravely reached over for Teresa’s waiting hand and looked down, half-expecting to see a glow from the heat of their connection. Forgotten was the cold—the VW never could warm the interior up properly. Forgotten, too, was any worry that Teresa’s family might be wondering where she was. For Ellie, the entire world was contained in that small space in that instant. Time ceased to exist as she reveled in the feel of Teresa’s hand in hers. The warmth of that touch spread up her arm to her chest until she wasn’t sure she could contain the joy that blossomed there.

“I never got to thank you for my Christmas present,” Teresa murmured. “I love that blessing. It must have taken you hours to make.”

“It did,” Ellie said. “But I loved doing it. For you.”

“Do you…” Teresa hesitated. “Have you made many of those for people?”

Ellie raised her eyes to Teresa’s. “Only one other.” Even in the dark, she could feel the intensity of Teresa’s gaze. “I should let you get to your aunts’.”

“I guess,” Teresa said reluctantly.

Ellie leaned over to hug Teresa, and the contact of their cheeks felt electric. Ellie froze for a long moment. Almost against her will, she felt herself gently rubbing her cheek against Teresa’s velvet skin. She would never know for sure who initiated it, but she could feel Teresa’s cheek sliding along hers until the corners of their mouths were barely touching. The world seemed to hold its breath for that instant, and then she shifted just a bit more, and felt the incredible softness of Teresa’s mouth against hers. Any fear she’d had that Teresa would pull away disappeared as Teresa’s full lips returned the pressure, yielding, opening to welcome Ellie, to pull her in. Nothing, not even the distant memory of Katie’s kisses, could have prepared her for the power of this touch. Ellie lost track of time and place. She only knew Teresa’s strong arms were around her, and when at last Teresa’s mouth left hers, it was to place feather-light kisses on her forehead, her eyelids, her cheeks. Ellie nestled into Teresa’s neck and felt the pressure of her pulse.
She’s real. This is real.
Ellie raised her face and placed a hand on Teresa’s cheek, drawing her mouth down again. She had no idea how much time had passed when they finally drew apart.

“You have to go now,” Ellie whispered. “Or I won’t let you go.”

Teresa nodded in the darkness. “I know. It will take all my strength to leave you.”

Ellie reached for the door handle.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow at twelve-thirty.”

Ellie looked back in a panic. “Are you sure? After we—”

“Twelve-thirty.” Teresa placed a gentle hand on Ellie’s cheek. “Good night.”

CHAPTER 15

Teresa, for the rest
of her life, would think of that Christmas as the Christmas she grew up.
It was just a kiss,
she kept telling herself over the days that followed, but it was so much more.
It would be laughable if it hadn’t changed my entire life
. It felt as if she had been stuck in a time warp. While everyone else had grown up bit by bit, dating, having sex, getting married, and having kids, Teresa had remained almost as innocent as she’d been at fifteen. With one kiss, she’d been awakened, like someone who had been placed under a sleeping spell in a fairy tale—but even she couldn’t call herself Sleeping Beauty.

In a daze that evening, she’d left Ellie, only to realize that she’d nearly forgotten to leave food for Dogman and Lucy. She quickly detoured by her empty house to get some spaghetti and then swung by the store before going to the aunts’ house, where she found that her family hadn’t really missed her. Dinner—or at least the first round of eating—was done, and people were scattered around the house. Lou and Dom Sr. were snoring loudly from either end of the living room couch while the kids played in the basement. Teresa put a little food on a plate, but had no real appetite. She nearly called Bernie to see if she could go over, but she knew better. Anita had already grabbed Teresa and placed her lips against her forehead—“Are you running a temperature? You’re all flushed.”— and Teresa knew Bernie would immediately guess something monumental had happened.

She had never before appreciated the truth of being lovesick, but that’s how she felt. She felt giddy, feverish, shaky. Every time she remembered the kiss—which was every few seconds—she felt an explosion of feelings she had never experienced before, and not just emotions but physical things. Her face burned just to think of the wetness she’d felt down there. She’d never had an orgasm. She smiled as she recalled how she had stared in horror when Bernie passed her a copy of
The Happy Hooker
when they were sixteen.

“I stole it from Denny’s closet,” Bernie said. “I think he stole it from Dad. What’s he gonna do? Ask me if I have it?”

“I can’t read this!” Teresa had gasped.

“Why not?” Bernie said. “If some boy is going to do this stuff to us someday, I want to know more about my body than he does. Why should we be ashamed? The hell with Sister Marguerite.”

Teresa had nearly fainted when Bernie leaned close and whispered, “It’ll teach you how to touch down there to make it happen.”

Teresa knew that if she ever did such a thing, she’d have to confess it immediately, and the shame of having to say it out loud to a priest was enough to keep her from ever trying it. But she did read parts of the book, equally fascinated and terrified that her mother would find it no matter how carefully she tried to hide it. She found herself skipping the chapters involving men and looking for the ones describing what happened with other women and remembering Penelope Jones.

Throughout their college years, she’d listened in bemused ignorance as Bernie and other women talked about urges that she’d never felt. Until now. Now she knew what they meant because she wanted Ellie to touch her down there; wanted to touch Ellie, to know that part of her, wanted to kiss her everywhere, not just on the mouth.

Teresa shivered and felt a faint pulsing in her crotch just thinking about it. Startled, she realized she was sitting in her maiden aunts’ dining room, thinking about…
this
. She looked around to see if anyone had noticed, but no one was paying her the slightest attention. Restlessly, she went outside to pace the sidewalk, waiting until it was time to go to Midnight Mass. All she wanted was to be alone in her room with her thoughts. Mass that night was a blur. As soon as they got home, she excused herself and went to bed.

She hardly slept that night and when she did, her dreams were wild, filled with Ellie doing things that made her wake, gasping. Lying in the dark, she tried to imagine Ellie’s naked body next to her and immediately realized,
I’d have to be naked, too.
That realization sobered her. Just because Ellie kissed her didn’t mean she wanted to go any further; but if they did, how would she know what to do? She knew what Bernie’s answer would be. Hesitantly, Teresa slipped a hand down, under her underwear, through the tangle of dark curls to the swollen, wet place between her legs. In wonder, she let herself explore those forbidden folds for the first time. She clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the gasp that escaped when her fingers found her clitoris. Clinically, she knew the terms, knew the anatomy, but
oh, my God
. She nearly moaned aloud as her fingers stroked. Never could she have imagined what this felt like. She let the sensations build and build into a tension that was almost painful until… she tipped over the edge of her first climax.

Breathing heavily in the dark, she felt the continued throbbing of her orgasm. She tried to imagine what it would be like to have Ellie do that to her. Even alone in the dark, she felt her face burn at the thought. She threw an arm over her face and laughed silently.

The next day, Teresa sat at a light, smiling as she remembered. A horn honked, startling her back into the present. She put the VW into first gear and sped through the intersection.

When she got to Ellie’s apartment, she sat in the car. Suddenly, it seemed risky to take Ellie home for Christmas after what happened last night. Teresa knew she was a horrible liar—her mother had always been able to tell if she tried to fib, and she had a feeling anyone who looked at her would know she was in love, but she couldn’t take the invitation back now. With a deep breath, she got out of the car and went to the stairwell where she nearly ran into Ellie who was running down the stairs carrying a shopping bag.

Teresa stood there, thinking that she’d never seen anything so beautiful. “Hi.”

Ellie looked up at her, but instead of the happiness Teresa hoped she’d see, there was only worry and doubt. “We need to talk,” Ellie said.

“Okay.” Teresa pushed the landing door shut as the blood drained from her face, leaving her feeling cold and empty.
You idiot,
said a voice in her head.
She regrets the kiss. She doesn’t love you.
Composing her features, she turned to Ellie.

Ellie’s eyes raked Teresa’s features as if searching for something. “Before we’re with your family, I have to know.” Her cheeks burned scarlet as she lowered her gaze, but then she was staring at Teresa’s chest, which only made her blush a deeper red. Flustered, she stared instead at Teresa’s knees. “I need to know how you’re feeling. About last night.”

Here it was. Ellie was going to force the issue. No pretending it didn’t happen, no wondering where things stood. Teresa’s heart was thumping as she considered how honest to be.

“I’ve never been happier than I was last night,” Teresa heard herself say. For a moment, she wasn’t sure if she’d only said it in her head and not out loud, because Ellie just stood there, silent and unmoving.

When at last she lifted her face to Teresa’s, Ellie’s eyes were shining with tears. “Really?”

Dumbly, Teresa nodded. She opened her mouth, but no sound would come out. She tried again. “How about you?”

Ellie bit her lip. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for ages.”

Teresa stood, dumbfounded. “Why?”

Ellie smiled. “Because I think you’re beautiful, silly.”

Teresa couldn’t think of anything to say. She stepped near and, keeping her eyes open, pressed her lips to Ellie’s. Ellie’s lips, warm and soft, returned the kiss, her free arm wrapped around Teresa’s neck.

“I had to be sure it wasn’t just a dream,” she said to Ellie a moment later. She held Ellie tightly.
I love you.
It nearly burst from her mouth, but she bit it back just in time. She could hear Bernie saying, “You’re ready to tell someone you love them after a kiss? Jesus Christ!”

They stepped apart and Ellie asked, “Are you sure about this? With your family?”

“Not really,” Teresa admitted. “I think it’ll be okay, but we’ve got to be careful.”

Ellie nodded, her expression hardening just a bit. “We will be.”

When they got to the aunts’ house, Ellie pulled a wrapped present out of her bag and left the bag in the car. Anita was waiting for them. She took Ellie under her wing as soon as Teresa introduced her.

“Merry Christmas, Miss Martelli. I wasn’t sure what to bring.” Ellie held out the parcel. “So I brought you and your sisters a Johnny Mathis Christmas album. Let me know if you already have it and I’ll exchange it for another.”

“This is so thoughtful, Ellie,” Anita said, giving her a hug. “And you call me Anita.”

Teresa hung up Ellie’s coat as Anita took her by the arm and herded her into the kitchen. She watched from the dining room as Anita introduced Ellie to the other aunts and put her to work rolling meatballs. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Ellie was chatting animatedly with them while she worked.

“I didn’t know you were bringing that hot little thing with you today,” said Gianni, pointing with his chin toward the kitchen.

Teresa smiled.
She wants me, not you,
she so badly wanted to boast, but instead said, “That hot little thing handed you your ass the last time you tangled with her. But feel free to try again.” Looking over his shoulder, she said more loudly, “Hi, Angelina.”

Gianni jumped, and Teresa walked away chuckling.

Where normally she would have been in the kitchen helping prepare dinner, Teresa busied herself setting the tables and arranging chairs while she kept an eye on the kitchen. When Sylvia went into the kitchen and saw Ellie there, she turned and looked sharply at Teresa, but Anita must have been watching as well, because she bustled over and led Sylvia to the stove to check something. Later, Ellie was talking to Francesca when she must have felt the baby kick. Teresa watched her sister place Ellie’s hand on her bulging abdomen, and she smiled as she watched Ellie and Francesca laugh together when Ellie felt it, too.

Louise was right. Ellie had a way of changing people. Teresa thought about Dogman and Lucy.
If it weren’t for Ellie, would I have looked twice at them?
Ellie had no idea of the impact she had on people—
including me,
Teresa mused, no longer surprised at the way her stomach tingled as she thought about her.

Teresa made sure she was seated next to Ellie at dinner, but to her annoyance, Gianni positioned himself on Ellie’s other side. She smiled as Ellie ignored his attempts at conversation and spoke instead to Francesca, across the table. She was startled to feel the pressure of Ellie’s thigh against hers, and tried to look nonchalant as she returned the pressure. As usual, Sylvia and all of the aunts milled around, making sure everyone had everything they needed, so that, by the time they sat, the men had finished eating and moved back out to the living room to watch television, while the kids went down to the basement.

Ellie leaned toward Teresa and whispered, “Is it always like that?”

Teresa nodded, but as she looked around the table, she listened to the women laughing and talking without any men or children clamoring to be fed.
Maybe there’s a certain wisdom to this,
she realized.

“You stay here and keep Francesca company,” Teresa insisted to Ellie when it was time to clean up. “She needs to stay off her feet anyway.”

Francesca rolled her eyes. “I don’t think this baby is going to wait one more month.”

Ellie leaned forward. “What names have you picked out?”

Teresa gathered plates, leaving Ellie at the table. She filled the sink with hot, soapy water and began washing dishes. She paused once to look back out to the dining room and saw Ellie looking over Francesca’s shoulder, watching her. She turned back to the dishes, filled with a warmth that had nothing to do with the hot water.

“She’s sweet,” Francesca whispered to Teresa, and “You be sure and come back again,” Anita said, giving Ellie a big hug as she thanked the aunts for having her over.

“I think they liked you,” Teresa said happily as she started
the car.