Catalyst (5 page)

Tinsley

MY LIFE IS SO
twisted and dysfunctional; I’m second-guessing all of my decisions. I can’t even go out with friends without questioning whether to have a drink. At work, any time someone asks a question, I wonder if I gave the right information. I’m so used to being confident in myself, and now? Now, I have no fucking clue.

Not to mention, I’m pretty sure I have a ghost, or something is not normal.

I also have thoughts I shouldn’t be having about a boy who isn’t Liam.

Maguire. He’s a mystery to me.

He’s familiar in the sense I’ve known him casually for years now. The last few encounters we’ve had, I’ve felt awkward and comfortable with him all at the same time. He gives off friendly vibes. I have an internal battle with being okay with being friendly with him and staying away because of how beautifully handsome he is.

My mind keeps wandering back to him being in Liam’s home. How different does it look now? If I walked in, would it still remind me of the house I called home?

Has Maguire come back into my life for a reason? Does that happen?

It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all but late at night, that’s what pops into my head. I haven’t told anyone about it and obviously haven’t acted on it, but fuck if I’m not curious.

Every night, I beat myself up over the guilt I feel for the thought of moving on and I fall asleep pissed off and lonely. I’m stuck in this push and pull of wanting to be happy again and not wanting to leave Liam behind. My emotions are seriously bipolar these days, and all I want is to have some sort of normalcy again.

After a week of misery, I say to hell with it and do a drive-by one morning. Meaning I drove by Maguire’s house so slowly I might as well have had my car in neutral. Trying my hardest to get a glimpse inside the windows, I let out a hmph noise when I see his blinds are closed.

Epic fail.

I do a U-turn at the end of the road, driving the speed limit, and just as I am about to pass his house again, I see him open his front door. Wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants so low you can see his cute abs and the lower part of his V, I put my foot on the brake as my jaw drops.

He looks up instantly, and I hit my forehead with my palm.
Way to be discreet.

I look behind me and swerve over to the side of the road as he saunters up to my car, smiling as wide as can be.

Maguire opens the door for me and peers inside. The sun’s right behind him and it's making him glow. It’s also making it hard to see him without squinting. “I’m not sure how to ask this, but did you slam on your brakes when you saw me?” I can smell his minty breath from my seat, and looking down, his abs are begging to be touched. I need to stay far, far away from this man.

“If I said no, would you believe me?” I ask, trying to look anywhere but his eyes. Eyes that penetrate through my hardened walls and see the real me.

Smiling, he shrugs his shoulders. “No. I was just curious what type of excuse you’d come up with. If you want to hang out, Tinsley, all you have to do is ask. Although, since you know where I live and all, I guess stopping by is another option?” He opens the door as wide as it’ll go and lends a hand, motioning for me to get out of the car.

I hadn’t planned this far! I wasn’t expecting to actually see him or go inside the house!
Abort mission, abort mission!

“I wanted to make sure you were settling in okay. How’s the house?” Hesitating a moment before stepping out the car after turning it off, I grab my purse and take his hand. He pulls me up, and I stumble forward one too many steps, stopping inches from him.

“You’re not very good at this, are you?”

“At what?” I scoff, thinking about how many things I’m probably doing wrong at this very moment.

He just laughs before telling me, “Getting out of the car. Good thing I was here, in case you fell.”

I want to tell him that he’s the whole reason I suck at it. He’s the one who pulled me.

“Mmmhmm. I guess so. I didn't really mean I needed to go inside. I just thought I’d make sure you didn’t have any questions about the wiring, or umm, other stuff?” I look at my feet, knowing how awkward I must seem, but his hand on my back makes me feel slightly better about myself. After a moment, I look up, trying to show the confidence I wish I had.

“I’d like to show you around if that’s all right with you. I tried putting everything in the right place but could really use a woman’s opinion. I have the wiring all figured out, though, thank you.”

He takes my hand in his and guides me into the home. My home. I look around at the other houses and can only imagine what this might look like to other neighbors.

I slow my steps as my thoughts get the better of me. I’m intrigued by Maguire yet unsure of myself. I’m betraying the one I love. I’m throwing away what we had together the moment I cross this line. Maybe it’s an innocent gesture by Maguire to let me in his home, but I know, deep down, this is going to change everything. The last two words hang on the tip of my tongue. Everything’s already changed. I felt like I was in this whirlpool of emotions, people, and ideas pulling me down, trying to push and pull me toward heaven and hell.

As soon as he feels the tension, he halts in place and turns back toward me. Our eyes connect and I know he sees it. I’m vulnerable right now, and he gently rubs his thumb over my hand. Understanding fills those gorgeous eyes.

His voice cracks at first, but he recovers quickly. “Stop overthinking. No one is ever up this early around here, and I have no ill intentions. I swear,” he tells me with confidence.

Nodding slowly, I continue the last few steps until I’m back inside the home where I fell in love. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, taking it all in. There’s a different scent to it now, but I can’t help but smile at all the memories Liam and I had here. As hard as it is to be here, it feels just as amazing for me to take a moment to relive our past.

I hear Maguire to my right, padding over to the kitchen as I take a few more moments in the foyer. “Want something to drink?” he hollers from the other room.

“Coffee? Or juice?”

“I have orange juice. That okay?” I hear the fridge door shut and him opening up a cabinet.

“Yes, thanks.” I come back to the present and head into the kitchen. He has a fancy coffee machine, but it’s unplugged and doesn’t look to have been used. The instruction manual lies to the side of it.

“So you had coffee but decided I didn’t need it—or?” I ask as I tilt my head in its direction. It looks brand new and expensive.

His smile is shy as he responds. “I got it yesterday but haven’t taken the time to figure it out or go out and buy the actual coffee to go in it. So no, I didn’t decide you’d had enough caffeine for the day, I just didn’t want to have to explain how I failed at working it so far.” He hands me the juice and we both take a seat on one of the barstools by the island. Maguire takes a large swig of his drink before setting it down in front of him.

The kitchen’s spotless. Guessing from the pots he has now hanging over the island, I have a hunch he can actually cook. From what I can see, he definitely has good taste. The couch I passed looked perfect to nap on; the art now hanging on the walls is more modern than anything Liam and I ever had. How is he still single?

“What are your plans for the day?” he asks as he props his right foot on top of his knee. His abs are deliciously defined and absolutely distracting.

“Headed to work for a few hours just to check on things.”
You need to put a shirt on
. I try not to stare, but they’re right below where I’m supposed to look and it’s tempting to keep glancing down, just as a typical guy would do with a set of tits in front of him.

“Sounds casual?” He takes a sip of his drink; the smallest drop lingers on his lips.

“It is. My employees are used to me popping in and out, texting or calling if something comes up. Really, they’re fine without me, but I feel better when I stay updated on each location. What about you?”

“I work from home three days a week. Tinkering with new technology doesn’t have to be in an office cubicle. I’ve come up with my best ideas while lounging on the couch having a beer.” He nods over to the family room where I see a ginormous flat-screen TV and an L-shaped couch that looks like it cost a fortune. But it also looks so soft I’m wondering how I could get over to it and try it out without looking like a creeper.

“Must be nice. I can see why you wanted this home then—huge family room and master, not to mention the backyard. Have you done anything neat back there yet?”

“Sorta. I have my grill, a nice seating area, and a hammock I just put up last weekend. It’s beautiful out there, at least during the fall. During the summer, I plan to have a few barbecues and really tricking it up.”

“Ahh, the perfect bachelor pad. But the hammock?” I chuckle. He has masculinized the home from what I can tell. The hammock seems to be the only thing out of place.

“I can hear the judging tone, Miss. I love lying out there and thought it’d be a nice spot to snuggle up with someone special. Everything I’ve put into the home has its reason. Some might be more bachelor than others, but they’re all thought out,” he says, and I wonder what else he’s added for when he brings a date home.

“So you’re trying to get laid,” I joke.

“What! No. Well, I wouldn’t mind. But I haven’t if you’re wondering.” He stumbles on his words as a flush comes over his face. I can’t help but smile.

“You haven’t? It’s been almost five months since you’ve moved in. That’s a dry spell if you ask me.”

“I have my reasons, just as I’m sure you have yours,” he responds without thinking because, if he had been thinking, he would have realized how hurtful that was.

Without saying a word, I pick up my now empty glass and grab my purse. I shouldn’t have come over.

“Wait! I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, I promise! I just meant that sex isn’t everything. Sometimes we need time. Sometimes we aren’t ready or we’re waiting for someone special. I didn’t mean for it to come across as crass. I swear, Tinsley.” He comes up to me and puts his hands on both of my arms.

Looking at him, I know he didn’t mean it.

“I know. I get it.” A single tear falls from my eye, and he pulls me into a hug. A warm embrace that, for a moment, makes me ache for it. I melt into his arms, forgetting about my past for a moment, knowing full well it’s not right. His chin rests on my hair as my brain goes back and forth with what to do. I want to stay here longer, that’s for damn sure.

His words make my hardened heart crack just a sliver. “I never want to make you hurt, but knowing that I have hurts me. You have a beautiful soul, Tinsley.”

“I do?” I whisper, wanting to believe every word of it.

“Mmmhmm. Let go, don’t overthink.” He pulls away slightly. I look up and thinking about those words,
let go
, I do.

I tilt my head up and close my eyes. I feel his soft, full lips against mine, slowly, testing me. When I don’t flinch or move away, our lips move together in perfect synchrony. His mouth makes love to mine as his hands move through my hair. I’m lost in his touch, drowning in want. A quiet moan comes out of my mouth, and even though I know it’s wrong, I take just a little more from him, needing to feel this connection again.

“Tinsley.” He groans, and I can feel every hard inch of him.

It’s funny how your mind and body can be so conflicted with each other. You’d think they’d know how to work in harmony, but currently, my body was screaming at my mind to shut the fuck up and the tug of war was driving me mad.

Ten minutes ago, I didn’t even know this position was even an option. Maguire wasn’t exactly forthcoming with his intentions and hell, I’m so back and forth I still don’t know my intentions.

Do I want this?

He takes a step back, and I’m already regretting this whole day. I should have known what I wanted when I crossed the line and stepped into his home with him.

“I think you feel it. I know you are questioning it because it’s written all over your damn face. But deep down, you know this isn’t one-sided.” He heads over to the reclining chair and gets comfortable. I’m left touching my lips, standing alone as I think about his words.

“It’s wrong.”

“It’s the perception that you aren’t allowed to feel again. That your heart forever belongs to a man who can’t hold you, can’t comfort you, and can’t be there for you. People are going to talk. They have nothing better to do with their lives. But this? Why ignore what could be?” There’s passion in his voice that I can’t let slide.

I walk over and lie down on the couch, making myself at home.

“Do you know how many willing women there are in Austin?”

“Seventeen thousand, give or take.”

“Huh?” I lift my head up to look at him but lie back down when I see the grin on his face.

“It doesn’t matter when you’re the one who’s on my mind. Every person comes with a past, whether it be lighthearted or heavy. It’s natural to consider your past when thinking about your future.”

“It isn’t just my past. I was ready to start my life with Liam. I can’t forget him, and I can’t act like it hasn’t changed my future because it has.”

He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, our silence at ease. When he does, I learn a new side of him.

“Nora.” He clears his throat, and I immediately sit up, knowing that whatever he’s about to say, I’m going to want to listen. “We’d been together almost a year. This was just a few months after graduation. She had just found out she was pregnant, and I was over the moon with joy.”

Maguire and I weren’t close enough back then to stay in touch after graduation. Everyone seemed to do their own thing, worrying about putting their degree to use and progressing in society. I never thought about his time between graduation and now, really. I just assumed he worked, dated, and maybe had settled down somewhere along the way.

The way he brings up her name doesn’t sound positive. His voice is far away, as he relives the past. When he pauses, I have to know why they weren’t together anymore and where his child was. He’s never brought it up before. “What happened?”