Catch Me When I Fall (27 page)

when every atom in me is telling me not to put them into my body I take them. I don't give myself a choice."
She pushed the letters back into the drawer, then picked up a phone bill from the floor and winced. 'Christ, do we spend that much time on the phone? Look at how many times I phoned you last quarter.'
I glanced at the bill carelessly, seeing my number spreading down the page. Then my eyes were caught by a date. I took the paper from her hand and looked closer. At 5:07 on the day Holly had tried to kill herself there had been a brief call from Holly's number. "I thought that was when you were, you know, unconscious,' I said, pointing to the digits.
Holly squinted at it and asked for my mobile phone. I handed it across and she dialled the number into it. "Hello?' she said. 'Sorry, who's that? Oh, God, I'm sorry, I meant to ring, erm... you know, Charlie. Sorry. See you soon. 'Bye.' She handed the phone back to me with a puzzled expression. "Naomi. I must have tried to call her for help as well, mustn't I? I can't remember doing that. But, then, my memories of that are a bit addled.'
I couldn't help myself. I felt a jab of disappointment. Holly had told me that she'd tried to call me; that it had been me she was thinking of as she lay dying. But she'd thought of Naomi as well. She'd actually called her. The evidence was in front of me, and my number wasn't there at all. Maybe she was even making it all up about trying to phone me. Her way of making me feel loved.
'I thought you said the phone was dead,' I said, more sharply than I intended.
'I thought it was. I'm sure it was. But I wasn't in a fit state,
Meg. Who knows what numbers I pushed?" "It was working at 5:07, anyway.' 'Apparently."

"But then it suddenly wasn't working.'
'Meg, I was dying. Who knows? I may have pressed redial. I don't know.'
"You must feel very close to her." In my peevishness, I could almost have blurted out the truth.
"Well, I am dose to her. She's my next-door neighbour. To be honest, I'm not sure if I even like her -she's so ... so ... What's the word? Perky. You know, always cheerful and helpful. It drives me a bit mad. But maybe that's it. Maybe I thought she
could rescue me because she was so close.' 'You know her number by heart?' 'No, of course not."
'So you went and looked it up while you were falling into a coma?'
'Meg,' Holly said, a bit sharply, Im not going to discuss the technicalities of a phone bill. We shouldn't even be looking at it. I just want to put it away and forget about it.'
'You're right. I'll tell you what,' I said, changing the subject with a clumsiness that made her grin, 'you were going to give me the number for that travel company you told me about. The one that does holidays in remote places.'
"I'd give you the brochure to take with you, except Charlie wants us to go away together somewhere soon. We need to start repairing our marriage, properly talking about everything that's happened. We're just going through the days, one by one, being careful and kind with each other. When I'm not rummaging through his study with a friend, that is.'
Again, it was as if a cloud had passed over her, and she looked tired and low. With a visible effort, she fetched the brochure from the pile of magazines and catalogues stacked up against the wall and tossed it across to me.
'It does look lovely," I said, flicking through the pages.

I picked up a scrap of paper lying under Charlie's desk, jotted down the phone number and email address, then put it into my wallet.
"When will you go?' I asked.
"Soon, I guess. God knows how we can afford it. But I guess we can't afford not to either. That's what Charlie says.'
I put my hands on her shoulders. 'Everything's going to be fine,' I said, too brightly.

We had been going to sort out bills and gather up receipts to set against tax, but we ended up sifting through Holly's wardrobe. She said she wanted to throw out all the clothes she wasn't going to wear again.
"Like this," she said regretfully, holding up a small black dress, with the emphasis on 'small'.
'That's what you wore to that party in the Royal Festival Hall! You looked...' I hesitated. "Well, extraordinary.'
"Preposterous, you mean. I know I behaved preposterously. I can hardly bear to think about it. Those days are over. It was fun, though, wasn't it? Maybe I'll keep it to remind me. What about this shirt?'
"It's very dramatic.' "Bin it or keep it?' 'You decide.'
"If I don't know Id better keep it. Just in case.'
She ended up by throwing away one skirt with a broken zip and several pairs of laddered tights. That was all. Everything else -all the bright and outlandish garments that were supposed to be tossed out in a gesture of new moderation -were put back into her cupboards. I was oddly relieved.
She wanted me to stay longer, but after a couple of hours I said I had to get back. There were things I had to do.
Holly saw me out, we hugged each other, and she shut the

door. I waited for a few moments, then walked the few yards along the road to the neighbouring house, where Naomi had the top floor. She had told me about her living arrangements: a small bedroom, a toilet and a leaking shower, a tiny kitchen, a sitting room that doubled as her study, her own phone line.
I rang the bell and waited, then rang again. At last I heard footsteps and the door opened. An elderly man in a baggy cardigan
and slippers peered at me. 'Is Naomi in?" I asked. 'No," he said. "They left.'
"Oh," I said. Something occurred to me. 'Her boyfriend collected her?'
"No, no, nothing like that. She doesn't have a boyfriend.'
I made myself give a relaxed laugh. 'You keep a close eye on her, do you?'
"She makes biscuits for me,' he said. 'Sometimes we watch TV together in the evening. My wife died two years ago, you
see. Shall I give her a message?' 'Who did she go off with?' 'Curious, aren't you?' He chuckled. 'I just wanted "
'It was only a neighbour.'
'Charlie?'
'That's right. So there's nothing funny going on.'
He invited me in for tea. I think he was lonely, poor man, but my head was buzzing so I could hardly think. I left him as soon as I could.

'It's not very pretty, Meg, but it's what people do," said Todd. "The important thing is that Holly's recovery doesn't get knocked off course.'
I frowned. 'You're not getting it,' I said. "It's not the affair, though God knows I wish that wasn't going on. She tried to

phone me that day and couldn't get through. The phone was working for a call she couldn't remember making, then not working for a call she does remember making.'
'Why on earth are you so bothered about something trivial like that when ' 'I've got this terrible idea, Todd. I mean, really, really terrible.' 'Tell me.'
I opened my mouth, then found I couldn't say the words. They were wild, ludicrous, something Holly in her manic state might have dreamed up. 'Never mind, I'm just being paranoid,' I said.
However much he tried to persuade me to talk, I wouldn't. I was embarrassed by my own thoughts.
But I couldn't get it out of my head and I lay awake that night, Todd peaceful beside me, trying to work out what I should do. I kept thinking of Holly's pale, trusting face. Was this it? Was this what I had missed?

35

'I'm at the bar down the road.'
"Down the road from where?'
'From the office, stupid, what do you think? Can you meet me there?'
"I'm on my way now -nothing's wrong, is it?'
'Are you going to spend the rest of your life thinking that
whenever I want to see you, something's wrong?'
"No, I just '
'Nothing's wrong. I just need to see you. There's something
I've got for you. Shall I order you a spicy tomato juice?"
'Lots of celery salt and Worcester sauce "
'-and black pepper and a slice of lemon. Come on, then." Whatever Holly had said on the phone, I still thought something was wrong so I dashed out of the office, struggling into my thick coat as I went and shouting apologies to Trish, saying I'd be back as soon as I could and would finish going through the accounts then.
She was sitting in the corner, at our old table, still in her jacket with a scarf wrapped round her neck, idly swilling her water round in its glass. Her face looked drawn and thoughtful, but brightened as I approached.
"There," she said. "Tomato juice. And...' with a flourish she
produced an envelope from her bag '... there.' 'What's this?' "It's for you.'
I took a sip of tomato juice, then opened it. There was a cheque inside, written out to me. Sixteen thousand pounds.

"Holly! No!'
'You didn't think I wouldn't pay you back, did you?'
'I didn't want you to pay me back. It was a gift. Anyway, how on earth did you manage?'
'It was a simple matter -well, a fairly simple matter -of adding it to the mortgage. In all fairness, though, I should warn you that you shouldn't try to pay in that cheque until next week."
'I don't want this. It's not the right time. It's completely the wrong time. I know what straits you're in and I'd feel awful if I took this."
'Meg, listen. I don't want to argue about this. It's your money. I'd hate myself if I took it. I know you gave it freely, and I bless you for it and I'll never, ever forget what you did for me. Never.' Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked them away impatiently. 'This is part of my recovery. This is the new me. I'm taking responsibility for what I've done. I need to do this, Meg. I have to. Put it into your bag. Otherwise, who knows what I may do?'
I did as she said, then put my hand over hers and we sat for a
moment in silence. A thought struck me. "So Charlie knows?"
"Oh, yes," she said grimly. 'He most certainly does.'
'You would have had to tell him in the end.'
'I guess,' she said.
'Was it awful?'
'Not entirely good.'
'That bad?"
'Who can blame him? Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse.
'What did he say?'
'Not much.' She drank some water. 'He went very, very blank. He retreated into his study. You know, the place where he pretends to work.'
"Oh," I said blankly.
'He can't take any more. I was remembering something while

I was waiting for you to arrive. When I cracked up in the street, attacked those people and was dragged off to hospital, I'd just run away from the house. He didn't know where I was. For all he knew I could have gone off and thrown myself under a bus. The police rang him and told him and he came to the hospital. I was raving like a lunatic...' She gave a sour laugh at that. "What do I mean like a lunatic? But when I saw the expression on his face, the anger and despair, there was a sane bit of me that felt so guilty. I knew I'd never be able to make good what I'd done to him. He could shout at me and storm out a thousand times, and it would never be one iota of what I've done to him, day after day and week after week. He should never have met me.'
"Don't say things like that."
'I wreck everything."
'Come and stay with us,' I said, suddenly urgent without knowing why. 'Just till things get better. Don't go home, Holly.'
She looked at me and grinned ruefully. "You keep telling me
everything's all right,' she said. "Are you now saying it isn't?' 'Just for a bit," I said.
'Finish your tomato juice, my friend,' she said gently, 'and get back to your desk.'

36

I told myself that Charlie was a nice enough man, not a hero but not a villain either, who was having an affair with Naomi. After what he had been through, who could blame him? It was painful to think about Holly struggling to save her marriage while all the time Charlie was having this fling, if that was all it was. I wasn't going to tell her. Whenever I thought of her, it was as someone fragile, with a delicate mechanism that could go wrong at any time, and I knew I mustn't jeopardize her recovery.
I didn't see Holly for several days, but as I sat at my desk, I kept trying to imagine what she would say. It was as if I had her voice inside my head as well as my own. I spoke to her on the phone, just to check she was all right. She sounded fine, quite steady and determined. A date for Stuart's trial had been set for May and she said she felt ambivalent about the whole thing. 'I keep thinking it was my fault.'
'He broke into the house and attacked you.' ,
'Still," she said.
"You'll be no good in the witness box.'
Til just say what happened. Warts and all."
She told me she was running and swimming every day. Three times a week she had therapy with a woman in Muswell Hill. 'It's a pretty narcissistic existence,' she said. Im just concentrating on looking after my body and healing my mind. Boring, boring, boring. I can't begin to tell you how much I long for work something outside myself. I'm sure it would do me good to come back now.'
'You'll be here soon enough,' I said. 'Just a few weeks now.'

I asked her how Charlie was doing, and she said he was being 'sweet" again. 'No sex life, though. Sometimes I think maybe I'll never have sex again."
'Is it the pills?' I asked, feeling like a traitor.
"It's not me, it's him. He thinks of me as an invalid.'
"It's early days,' I said.
'Maybe I can try and seduce him on holiday,' she said. 'Pounce and not take no for an answer.'
"When are you going? Where are you going, for that matter?"
'I don't know the answer to either of those questions. Charlie's arranging it all. He's trying to get some cheap deal.'
"I'll come and see you after this weekend-away thing with
those chartered surveyors, unless you've gone by then.'
'I wish I could be there too.'
She sounded so wistful. I saw how easy it would be to say, 'Then come to work now'. Or even, 'Don't take the drugs, then: go back to your old wild happiness and your days of infinite sadness.' I forced myself to sound blandly cheerful. 'I bloody wish you could too. It won't be the same without you. It won't be fun.'
When I put the phone down, I felt a nagging anxiety, like an unreachable itch in my brain, and it didn't go away through all the meetings and tasks. I got a sandwich from the deli for lunch and sat in the empty office, staring at my computer screen but seeing Holly's face.
The phone rang, making me jump: it was our solicitor, asking further questions about Deborah's terms of employment. I pulled open drawers to find the details and, while I was doing so, saw the square brown envelope Rees had dropped on to my desk that day, full of photographs of Holly. I'd stuffed it out of sight, like a dirty secret, but now, after putting the phone down, I took out the sheaf of glossy images. I was amazed and dismayed by how many there were.