Cause Celeb (25 page)

“So, then. Where are we? Sorry, haven't got much time here.”

He was entirely detached and formal. His hands were flat in front of him on the desk, dark hairs on the sides, long familiar fingers.

“What is it you want to talk to me about?” he said, glancing at the matte-black watch we had chosen together. I might have been a stranger pitching an idea for a series. This was no good.

“You know what I want to talk to you about,” I said.

He blinked at me.

“You rang me this morning. Have you forgotten already? Have you gone senile or something?”

He looked down, then he gave three slow laughs through his nose, and leaned back in his chair, putting his arms behind his head. “Well. You haven't changed, have you?” he said.

“I think I have,” I said. “It was very good of you to ring me today.”

“That's all right.”

“You're the only person I know who can make this work. I think you're a kind man. I want you to help.”

I was watching his face. He was flattered. It was working.

“What are you suggesting?”

“Nothing complicated. We just need to get a handful of celebrities to agree to do a simple program. You're quite right. I was going about it the wrong way last night. But if you approach them, they'll say yes.”

“To what?”

“A TV appeal. Just a short show.”

“But you say you need to do this inside three weeks.”

“It's enough. Couldn't it be done in the
Soft Focus
spot?”

He got up and walked into the middle of the room, thinking. Then he turned toward me, shaking his head. “I'm sorry, love. I'd like to help but it can't be done. Not in that space of time.”

I looked at the plinth, then got to my feet, walked over and picked up one of the awards. “Do you remember when you won this? Do you remember how long it took you to put that program together? Ten days.”

“I remember,” he said softly.

He was looking down at me, into my eyes, holding the look for too long, as he used to do. I broke the moment, moved back and sat on the chair and saw his face change.

“It can't be done,” he said. “You might get the money for your first lot of food. I'll give you a few grand. Dave Rufford's got millions he doesn't know what to do with. If you posed as a therapist you could take Julian for everything he's got. Bill Bonham's completely barking now. You could probably get the whole lot from him if you convinced him it would heal his aura. How much do you need?”

“The food is no use without a cargo flight. And I can't get a flight sponsored without publicity. The problem's bigger than just our camp. We need public pressure and we need to explain why it's happened. I don't just want to tug heartstrings.”

“Have you tried the newspapers?”

“I tried
The Times
today, but famine's out at the moment apparently.”

“You went to
Today
?”

“No. I said I tried
The Times
today.”

“You want the tabloids. I'll give you a name at the
News.
They could make a big thing out of it. ‘Ministering Angel Twists Arm of Former Lover to Save Starving.'”

“Oh, come on,” I said angrily.

“It's a great story, great picture. Just undo another button, love.”

I shot him a furious look.

“Sorry, sorry. Just arsing around,” he said.

“Don't.”

“You
have
changed, haven't you?” he said disparagingly.

“Yes.”

“Look. I can't help you. I know it's a heartwarming idea but it's unrealistic. You can't just stick a bunch of performers in front of a camera like that.”

“I'm not saying we should. It needs organizing properly. That's why it needs you, and an office and some staff.”

“It won't work. What can I say?” He raised his hands and let them fall.

“You could say you'd try,” I said. “You're a good person, aren't you?”

“I'm in a new position in a new company here. I can't come in at this stage with an idea which is going to go off at half cock.”

“Oliver, I know this is difficult for you, but try. Just try to get a grip on the idea that there might be some things in life which are more important than your career.” I got up. “I can't pull this off on my own, but if you won't help me, someone else will. I'll do it. You watch.”

Right, no more pressure, just leave. I picked up my bag and headed for the door.

“Thanks for talking to me anyway, that was good of you. I'll see you in a couple of years. Bye.”

When I got back to Shirley's, sure enough the little light was flashing on the answerphone.

“Oh, Rosie, hi, it's Oliver here.” Excellent. Excellent. “Listen, if you want to talk about this idea some more I'll be in the Groucho at eight o'clock. Maybe see you there.”

I sat back and sighed. Thank God.

B
arrrurrrrr!” Dinsdale got the evening off to a splendid start, bellowing across the room like an old she-elephant.

“Barry, do tell me, are you going to be the chairman? I absolutely can't bear it if you are. I'm desperate to be it. Absolutely wild for it.”

“Oh, shut up, you bloody old fool, do. Absolutely crazy. You know perfectly well who the bloody chairman is. Where's the bloody drink around here? That's what I want to know. Bloody crazy.”

When Oliver decided to move, he moved. It was just five days since I'd seen him in the Groucho club, and now over a dozen major celebrities were assembled in a conference room at Capital Daily Television for our first meeting. It was the Famous Club, acting branch, with certain key additions. Edwina Roper and the bearded figures of SUSTAIN's press officers were standing in a little group with Oliver, Vicky Spankie and Julian. Vicky was wearing a khaki combat jacket and peaked cap with a hammer and sickle on it.

Oliver was in his most charming, authoritative mode, working the room, relaxing everyone. He was talking to Edwina Roper, touching her arm, looking at her as if she was the most interesting person in the world. Edwina was coloring slightly, charmed, putting her hand to her throat.

The Irish actor Liam Doyle was standing in another group with three actors donated by the RSC. Bill Bonham was already seated
at the table, mouthing something, his mantra presumably. Rajiv Sastry and his friends were talking in low, bitter voices and looking around the room. Behind them Corinna Borghese was lecturing a group of
Soft Focus
personnel. And Dave Rufford, the wealthy ex–rock star, was handing round photos of his five-year-old son, Max, sitting on a Shetland pony and dressed in full fox-hunting gear.

I was talking to Nigel Hoggart, a very clean young man in a gray suit, who was the representative of Circle Line Cargo. They had more or less promised me a sponsored flight to take out the first lot of food, provided they were happy with the publicity.

There was a commotion at the door and Kate Fortune fluttered in, followed by the nanny, the baby and two aides. She swooped across the room and positively fell upon Oliver, taking hold of her hair and throwing it back into the eyes of Barry, who was coming forward excitedly to greet her.

Dinsdale caught hold of my arm. “D'you know, my darling. I'm so sorry. I'm such a senile old
fool.
I did not have the faintest glimmer of a
clue
who you were the other night outside the theatah. I only remembered when you'd disappeared and I was agonized. You must think I'm the most frrrrightful boorish old nincompoop.”

“No problem. I'm very glad—”

“But could you help me out, my darling, could you? Could you bear to? Where is it we're raising the money for? Do you know? You could possibly bear to tell me? Could you?”

“Nambula.”

“Oh, Nambuuuula.” The brown eyes fixed on me concernedly. “Ah yes. Nambula. Bossy neighbors, bothersome borders. What is it? Refugees? Keftians? All that again? We must gather round and support. We must help. We must.”

“Yes, Keftians. Didn't know you were an Africa buff, Dinsdale.”

“Oh, I read the papers, you know. Every day, my darling, cover to cover, never miss.
Barry!
” he roared.

“What is it now, you bloody fool?”

“It's Nambuuula. Nambuuula.”

“Yes, all right, all right. No need to make a bloody song and dance about it.”

Edwina Roper tapped me on the shoulder. “Rosie, this is terrif, what a turnout! Well done. Isn't Oliver Marchant the most charming man?”

“This is Nigel Hoggart from Circle Line Cargo, who are going to help us with the flight—we hope!” I said, smiling creepily at Nigel.

“Yes, I know. Been twisting our arms all week, this lady has!” said Nigel. “That's what's been occurring.” He winked at Edwina.

“Have you heard anything from the government?” I asked her.

“Yes, I've spoken to the ODA. Not good, I'm afraid. They're aware of what's happening in Kefti. They're concerned, but they don't have the funds at the moment. They'll need an additional budget before they can do anything, especially as it has to be a question of airlifting now.”

“Have you heard anything from Safila?”

“Nothing recent, I'm afraid. There's still no radio contact and Malcolm has been away. But we're getting reports of arrivals in Wad Denazen and Chaboulah.”

“UN made their minds up what they think yet?”

She shook her head. “I think what we have in this room is our best shot.”

Oliver gave good meeting, relaxed and authoritative.

“Right,” he was saying, looking round the table. “Acting? Acts? Africa? What are we going to call ourselves?”

“Act on Africa,” said Vicky looking at him hopefully.

“Arms Around the World?” said Kate Fortune. “Hearts? Hearts of Africa?”

“Bleeding Hearts for Africa?” said Corinna dryly, lifting off her sunglasses.

“Africa Crisis,” said Julian. “Blast no—Drama. Drama out of a Crisis. Must be something in there.”

“Love Aid,” said Kate Fortune. “Love the Children Aid? Arms Around the Children?”

“Luvvie Aid,” said Rajiv.

“Now that's not bad,” said Oliver. “Luvvie Aid. What d'you think? Bit flip?”

“Completely crazy.”

“Acts, acting, come on,” said Oliver. “African Acts, relief, famine, charity, Charitable Acts.” He turned to me with a long, smug look. “Charitable Acts. What about it?” Charitable Acts it was.

“I can put it into the
Soft Focus
slot in either two or three weeks' time, but ten
P
.
M
. on a weekday is not ideal. Vernon Briggs will have to approve it, and if we want another slot it'll have to come from him.”

There were a number of childish noises from around the table. Vernon Briggs was Oliver's boss, from the old end-of-the-pier school of TV entertainment. Not a popular man with the younger celebrity.

“Like, OK, if I have to work with Vernon, then I'm, like, out of here,” said Rajiv.

“Now, come along,” said Oliver.

“Do you really think this is appropriate to a
Soft Focus
spot?” said Corinna. “I mean, it's not exactly arts, is it?”

“We're artists, aren't we? Aren't we? Is theater not art?” said Vicky. “I mean, I certainly think of myself as an artist. Aren't we artists too?”

“Bloody crazy. Sitting here talking about this, that and the other,” roared Barry. “Is this art? Bloody nonsense. What is the performance? What
is
the performance? None of us has got a blind idea what the hell lines we're supposed to be learning. Absolutely crazy.”

“Take no notice of him, my darlings. Mind's completely gone. Vanished totally, years ago.”

“Well, it's a fair-enough point,” said Oliver. “What is the heart of the show going to be? It has to be something short—we can't count on more than an hour. The viewers have to feel they're getting their money's worth if they're going to send cash. They want to see you doing something you wouldn't normally do. It's got to be simple and it needs a theatrical connection—”

“Can I just say something here?” said Eamonn Salt, in his flat monotone. “Obviously we're very grateful for this turnout tonight.”

“Absolutely,” said Edwina Roper. “It's fantastically generous of all of you to give up your time and energy to this wonderful cause. Thank you.”

“Yes,” I said. “I'd like to thank everyone too, on behalf of the camp at Safila.”

“Excuse me,” said Corinna, “excuse me. I find it rather odd that charity professionals should feel they have to be sobbingly grateful to a group of performers for a few days' work. I think the gratitude should probably be the other way around.”

“Well, let's say we're all grateful to each other and try not to break down, shall we?” said Oliver, after an awkward moment. “Now what were you saying, Eamonn?”

“Yes, indeed,” Eamonn went on in his droning tone. “I think it would be helpful if the content of the program could somehow mirror what the appeal is about. The money raised will help in the short term, but essentially this is a political issue. There are things it is difficult for us, as a charity, to say, but you could say them for us.”

“Excuse me?” said Corinna. “If we all get up in front of the camera are we supposed to be saying what
we
think, or what
you
think? I mean, you know, like, everyone's always saying we shouldn't be ill-informed mouthpieces. So are we allowed to say what we think?”

“Well, let's hear what SUSTAIN think first,” said Oliver.

“Yes, indeed. In the first place the Keftian people's movement has arisen because of a war, and the war has arisen because of a corrupt autocracy in Abouti. In the second place the reason why provision has not been made for these refugees is because of a certain slowness to react and cumbersome bureaucracy from the UN, but also—and essentially—because of the slow responses of governments. The reason why food is not in place, actually, is because our government, and the French didn't send what they were supposed to send when they said they would.”

Kate Fortune was looking very intently at the nail on her index finger. She bent it towards her and starting picking at it with her thumb. Julian was starting to play with his electronic organizer. Eamonn was not one of the world's great orators.

“If you look beyond that,” Eamonn continued, “if Nambula wasn't
saddled with a massive foreign debt, because of the loans made by the World Bank during the oil boom in the seventies, then they wouldn't be using all their fertile land to grow cash crops and would have more than enough food to deal with their own refugee crises.”

“Well, that should be easy enough to put across entertainingly in half an hour,” said Rajiv.

“Oh, but listen, everyone. Don't you think, really, for all that, it's the children who really get through to people?” said Kate Fortune. “I don't think we want to get all bogged down in politics, do we? It's the children we should be thinking about.”

“Stupid woman,” muttered Barry.

“Honey, what about Elizabethan-style playlets?” cried Vicky Spankie, looking at Oliver with sparkling eyes. “The roots of famine personified—War, Debt, Bad Governance!!”

This hugely amused Barry.

“Lo! I am Bad Governance! Begotten of a fat greedy despot in a gold-plated Roller,” he thundered, in that famous overenunciated delivery.

“Lo! I am Incompetence—” Dinsdale began.

Kate Fortune got to her feet, blinking back tears. “I'm sorry. I really don't think we should be making jokes when . . . when children are dying.”

“All right. Yes, let's all settle down,” said Oliver, glancing at Vicky, who was looking red-faced and furious.

Bill Bonham piped up, “What about trying to do something more with what's preoccupying the world at present, linking the whole thing with a spiritual karmic quest? Doing good, feeling good about yourself. It could be presented as more of a journey.”

“Yes, thank you, Bill,” said Oliver, adding under his breath, “Any more completely lunatic suggestions while we're at it?”

“I have to say I don't think we should be doing this at all, actually,” said Corinna.

There was silence.

“I really think it's, like, counterproductive,” she went on. “This is a Tory cock-up and then we say,‘Oh, it's OK, guys, we'll fill up the gaps, no sweat, you know.' I mean, puh-
lease.
”

“And, of course, we're only giving the illusion of filling the gaps, aren't we?” said Oliver. “Aren't we talking drops in the ocean?”

“It is true that the total amounts raised by Live Aid and Band Aid was less than five percent of the government overseas aid budget for that year,” said Eamonn Salt.