Certainty (8 page)

Ren’s face was calm, his eyes unreadable, but he was listening, too.

 
Someone said Crystal's name and I saw Ren's eyes flicker over to them. Maddy suddenly noticed Ren and bit her lip, and the other girls stopped talking. We were close enough that it was obvious we had heard it all. I walked past, but Ren paused.

"If you knew her, you wouldn't say that," he said quietly.

Maddy's cheeks flushed and she tossed her hair out of her eyes like she didn’t care. "It's just the way she dresses. I'm sure she's nice," she said, syrupy and sweet.

"She is," he answered, his voice cool. He held her gaze.

Her face changed from its icy arrogance for a fraction of a second, and I was surprised to see real regret there. Then she smiled, and the moment was lost.

We walked into the classroom
 
and sat down, but my mind wasn’t on Spanish.

I could have defended Crystal--it didn't have to be Ren. Was I so intimidated by Maddy that I was afraid to stick up for my friend? It was easy for Ren because he didn't know how popular Maddy was.

Even as I thought about it I knew that was ridiculous. I simply wasn't as brave as he was. Even more impressive, he said, "If you knew her..." as if he knew all about Crystal, and I was sure he didn't. This was only his second day here, what could he possibly know about
 
her? He certainly wasn't making any flattering deductions based on her ever-exposed cleavage. It's like he respected her despite what she wore.

It made me even more ashamed that I wasn't the one who defended her--I really did know Crystal, and I knew those girls were wrong about her. Better than Ren could have.

Maddy didn't come into class until Noah did, clinging to his arm and avoiding Ren's gaze.
             

Noah called out to Ren and nodded at me. Either that or his neck had an involuntary spasm. I couldn't really tell if he was acknowledging me or not. Or why.

Steve was late for lunch, walking up to the table holding his tray with both hands and his enormously heavy backpack dragging at one of his arms. He stubbed his toe against my chair and regained his balance by leaning on my head.

Ren grabbed for the tottering tray and saved Steve's lunch, except for a few fries that flew off and landed in Noriko's lap.

"Sorry," Steve said, and his backpack fell on me. I tried not to think too hard about going to Homecoming with him. There was the possibility that if we danced he might accidentally kill me--I needed to be brave.

Steve retrieved his tray from Ren and took the empty chair next to Crystal. He didn't bash
her
in the head with his backpack, I noticed.

I was so busy picturing a Homecoming Dance massacre of my toes that I didn't hear Noriko at first. "...so my mother is taking me to New York."

Katie leaned her chin in her hands. "That sounds like fun."

Noriko’s small mouth was a prim, but happy smile, her almond shaped eyes serene. "I’ll have a lot to choose from. I can’t wait!" 

Going to New York for a dress was much more glamorous than going to the mall.

Noriko unpacked her lunch as she spoke. "My aunt and uncle live there so we will spend the night. That way we can shop on Sunday if we don't find anything Saturday."

Steve was listening to this tale of glamour with his thick brows furrowed together over his pointed nose, making him look like a confused bird.

I suddenly wondered if he even had a suit to wear. I'd only seen him in jeans and sneakers. Hopefully his parents would help him figure it out, but I imagined his Dad was just like Steve, except older with thinning hair.

Katie was sitting next to Noah, playing with a silver necklace, pulling the locket along the chain. I remembered that Noah had given the necklace to her and looked over at him. He was talking to Ren about one of their classes. I watched to see if Noah would look over at Katie, and he did, but not as often as she looked at him.

Lunch ended and I made my way to Biology, thinking about dresses. Mr. Leitner droned on about mitosis and meiosis and other cell adventures.

My eyes were getting heavy and I struggled to stay awake. If only Burke wasn’t suspended…he was always good for a bit of comic relief. Mr. Leitner dropped his pen and bent over and I was suddenly reminded of the last time Mr. Leitner did that in front of the class.

As he bent over to pick it up, his skinny rear end protruding out at the class, Burke whispered with a perverted lisp, "Schmexy!"

Mr. Leitner turned around and narrowed his eyes at the class, focusing on Burke, who smiled back as if he had just paid him a huge compliment. Mr. Leitner was careful about dropping things after that, but my stomach hurt from trying not to laugh.

I let out a disappointed breath of air. There would be no such entertainment today. I’d heard Burke was suspended for three days, at least until next Monday, so it would be a dull week in Biology.

After school I was walking across the parking lot when Ren caught up with me, his skateboard in his hand. I was pleasantly surprised.

"I didn't know you walked home from school. I didn't see you yesterday," I said.

"My mom picked me up. I told her I could walk from now on, at least until I drive."

A blue Mustang crept behind us, waiting for us to move. We sidled over and let it pass. A couple more cars rumbled past, and we hopped between moving cars until we were out of the parking lot. When we got to the sidewalk he dropped his board and stepped on it to ride next to me.

“Thanks again for asking me to the dance,” I said, glancing over at him. And then I realized I’d made it sound like a date and it really wasn’t. “I mean, with everyone else.”

“Thanks for saying yes,” he answered, smiling at me, not the least bit awkward.

The dance made me think about Katie and Noah, and why Noah asked Katie out and not me or Noriko. Not that I wanted him to. I only wondered why he disliked me so much. I blurted out,  "Why is Noah such a jerk?”

He pushed along in silence and I was afraid he was going to say he didn't know what I was talking about, that Noah was fine.

"You're right...I have noticed he isn't nice to you."

"But why?"

"I don't know. He probably doesn't even know. But don't...don't hang on to being mad. You know what I mean?" He was looking at me as if he were trying to explain some math problem that was too complicated for my little brain.

"Uh, I know all about forgiveness," I said, slightly irritated.

"Not just forgiveness...just don't waste your time being angry at him. Because..." he stopped, his hands gesturing in the air to find the words.

"Because Noah is so uh-mazing and no one should ever be mad at him. Because he had a bad childhood." I knew that much wasn't true, at least. He had a really happy family life. He idolized his father, adored his mother and took care of his younger brothers and sisters. "Or he has an incurable case of jerkolepsy.”

Ren smiled. "That's pretty much it, I think. He has jerkolepsy. There's probably a cure, but it's not much fun."

I really didn't want Ren to defend Noah. "Poor guy." I sounded more bitter than I meant to, but Ren just shook his head.

"Don't let him worry you."

I hissed, pulling my lips back like a vampire and he laughed. "Okay, then."

I suddenly remembered Steve. "Hey, does Steve know what to wear to the dance?"

"Handled. I'm going over to his house Saturday to check out the situation."

"That's really nice of you."

He shrugged. "Not really. Steve's a nice guy."

Steve was a nice guy, but he was also awkward and socially inept. It took some real effort to see past that--at least it did for me. Ren didn't seem to have a problem with it. As a matter of fact, he seemed to see all of us exactly as we were, without needing a lot of explanations or even a lot of time with us. His first impressions weren’t just right, they were spooky right.

We crossed the road from the school to the sidewalk that went down our street. We passed the huge colonial with the willow tree in the yard. It was the biggest house in the neighborhood, sprawling out with tall windows and white columns. At one time it was probably beautiful, but some of its grandeur was weathered now, the landscaping wild and messy.

"You look at houses a lot," Ren observed.

"I always wonder who lives there and what their lives are like. If they are different from my family or maybe the same. I don't know. I want to know everything about everyone."

He looked away from me at the colonial standing in the shroud of evergreens and willows. "What if it wasn't always good?"

"Like if people were bad?" I asked.

"No, not like that. Like...there are good people and bad things happen to them." I could see the thoughts running through his mind as he spoke, deep memories or maybe fears trying to surface. I remembered the morning when he cautioned me to be careful crossing the street.

"That doesn't seem fair, but I guess it happens. But I believe that if you are good some kind of good karma must protect you."

"I don't."

I stared at him and whatever sadness was there before was gone. He was cold, his face flat and expressionless.

"Then what's the point of being good?" I asked.

He sighed, his shoulders relaxing into resignation. "I don't know. I mean, I think it helps."

"It better. Because it’s hard."

He gave me a lopsided grin and my heart jumped. "Not for you, I’m sure."

“How do you know what I’m like?” I asked, trying to tease, but my voice fell. The question came out more serious than I meant it to be, but I couldn’t take it back now.

    His eyes were dark and contemplative. “I just know.”

“You seem to know everyone. Like how you stood up for Crystal to Maddy. It was really nice, but…most people think the worst about Crystal, but you didn’t. Like, you gave her the benefit of the doubt or something. It’s kind of odd.”

His gaze remained locked on mine, though there was a stillness about him, like he was waiting for something. “Is it?”

“Maybe not odd,” I said, dropping my eyes and looking down at my feet as we walked. Katie had drawn a smiley face on my left shoe. “You’re really smart about people.”

This time he was the one who looked away and he let out a deep breath. The tension in his face was gone, released in an instant. “I think everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Well, that’s a lot nicer than most of us are.”

He shrugged. “Not really.”

I wanted to argue with him about how great he was, but I didn’t. We crossed the street and before I knew it we were at his house. I didn’t want to say goodbye but he kicked his skateboard up. “See you tomorrow,” he said, a small smile on his lips.

When I got home my mom was making a mess in the kitchen with her scrapbooking again and Derek was at practice, as usual. I made a sandwich and peered over her shoulder at the page she was working on. It was a picture of Derek and me when we were little. We were on the couch and I was holding Derek as a chubby baby. He was kind of falling off my lap because he was almost as big as I was, but I was holding him tight, squishing him in a loving death embrace.
 
My hair was short and a little curly and his was that dark baby fuzz, sticking up straight on his head.

"Cute," I said, my mouth full.

She sighed. "I know. You were all so beautiful. You still are of course, " she said hastily, anticipating my self-zinger. "I used to love to kiss your little baby heads."

"I was bald forever."

"I wondered when you would ever start growing your hair out so I could put bows in it."

"I did it on purpose to avoid the bows."

She laughed.

James wandered in the kitchen wearing his soccer shorts and a sweat-shirt, his socks rolled down to his ankles, as usual. He looked at the scrapbooking and shuffled through the pictures, his hair falling in his eyes. "Here's me," he said,  pulling out a picture.

He was very tiny, all wrapped up in a blanket, cuddled in Dad's brawny arms. "You were so small," I said.

"Only six pounds when he was born. Just a little guy," Mom said, her face going soft as she looked at the picture.

  I grabbed James and wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him. "He's so adorable."

He rolled his eyes but he didn't try to get away from me. I think he secretly likes hugs.

I opened my laptop to check my emails and fool around on Facebook for a while. I could hear my mom in the kitchen cleaning up her scrapbooking stuff.

Pretty soon she and James left for soccer practice and I was by myself. I left the computer and went into the kitchen for a drink. The photo album she was working on was lying on the table and I flipped through its pages.

The front door opened and Derek came in the kitchen, dropping his gym bag and helmet on the floor. His curly dark hair stuck to his sweaty forehead and he smelled like B.O. and grass.

"I'm starving."

He opened the fridge and began pulling out food to
 
make a sandwich. "What are you looking at ?"