Charity's Warrior (26 page)

"You have your reasons," I said. "I figured you'd tell me when you were ready. Until then, I'm here."

"It doesn't have anything to do with you, it's things from my past," he said quickly, as if I might hang up on him. "It has to deal with my childhood, my parents," he started. "And I think it's time I explained it."

There was a lump in my throat that was either my heart or my stomach. This was huge. I let him tell me all of it even though it was the same story, for the most part, that Lena had already told me. This time, in Justin's words, it was much more emotional. I was in tears when he talked about finding his father's body.

"I still don't know where my mother is, and it's better, safer, for all of us that way. I can't bring myself to care enough about her to hear her side. She took my father away from me," Justin said.

I know he can hear me crying, so I don't bother trying to hide it. "Justin, I'm so sorry for you, and I'm grateful that you told me."

"I wanted you to know," he said. "I don't want you to think that I'm just a jerk when I'm struggling with things. My father, he loved my mother, he loved her more than life, and that's what it took away from him. Love stole his life. The best way I knew to deal with what happened was to protect myself from ever letting that happen to me."

"I get it," I said.

"All this time I've been convinced loving someone, having any feelings, was the end. I believed my father figured this out himself when my mother left that second time, and what he did was quit the only way he could. He quit on her, he quit on love. And I did what I thought was the same thing, I quit on love before ever letting it happen," he said.

He paused for a moment, preparing himself.

"Lately my head has been a mess," he started again. "You're all I think about, and the more I try not to, the more I do. I've never felt something so powerful. It would be easy to blame it on you, but that wouldn't be fair, or accurate. The solution might be to get away from you, but there’s a problem with that—
I don't want to!
The only time my head is not a mess is when I'm with you. The only time I am clear is when we're close. When I try to stay away, I fall apart."

My tears haven't had a chance to stop. They are falling onto my still bare chest and running away.

"Lena called me and said something to me today that really affected me, changed the way I've been thinking for years."

Justin's voice is quivering. Whatever it is he is about to reveal, it is life altering for him. It may even be life altering for both of us.

"She asked me, what if my father hadn't quit on love at all. What if, even at the end, his love for my mother was as strong as it ever was, and it was the fear of losing that love that made him do what he did? What if he believed life without love was not with living?" he asked.

I could hear the realization in his voice still occurring. "Charity, if that's the case, I've been doing my father wrong."

"I don't want you to think I'm trying to influence you, Justin, but that does make sense, and it's a hell of a lot more understandable. If he just wanted to quit on love, he would have done that, carved it out of his life just like you did. Any man as romantic as your father sounds, it's just in them, and they don't quit on it because that would be quitting on themselves," I said.

He was silent, and I was afraid I had upset him. "If I've overstepped and upset you, I'm sorry," I said.

"No, not at all," he replied. "I think you're right, and I'm upset at myself. You and Lena seem to know my father better than I did."

"That's not it! You knew him best—but you were also hurt the most by his loss. Pain like that will cloud anyone, and it's easy to stand on the outside and look in like the rest of us. You did what you needed to do to survive, Justin, you don't regret that, not ever. I'm proud of you, proud of your strength, then and now," I said sternly, believing and meaning every word.

"What about you, Warrior? Do you believe in love like that?" he asked.

"Yes!" I said unfalteringly. "I believe people, when they fall in love at the same time, are unstoppable."

"And it's worth it, the pain that can come with it?" His voice is eager.

"Absolutely, because when you find it, all that pain its nothing compared to how happy you are," I answer.

More silence followed.

"Thank you," he said at last.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He replied in a soft voice, "Yeah, I'm fine. Some things I've been going through suddenly make more sense. I think I might be a lot more like my father than I ever knew."

My heart jumped, literally jumped in my chest. I want this! I want him!

"Can I ask you to hang in there a little bit longer, not make any moves, until I get my head on right?" he asked.

"You can count on it," I said back to him.

After we hang up, I lay back on my bed and run my thoughts across the empty ceiling. We were both denying feelings for each other and it wasn't working. The next move was his.

I am in love with him. There was no point in denying it to myself any longer, and I won't deny it to him—
as long as he comes for me.

A WAITRESS SAT US
at a table for lunch. I looked at Trisha and laughed. "I feel like I'm cheating with you, eating someplace outside of the Grill."

"I know, right," she said, giggling.

It was her day off, and we had agreed to meet for lunch since she already had dinner plans. She looked great out of her uniform, wearing black stretch pants, boots, and a colorful tunic from Style & Co. She sat and fixed her black hair behind her ears.

"I love your natural, dark hair," I told her. "I'd kill you for it if I could take it."

Trisha smiled wide. "Thank you. It's funny because I want yours, it's gorgeous."

I fixed my hair, feeling self-conscious as I thanked her. "I guess you always want what you can't have," I said.

"Speaking of that," Trisha said quickly, "I was so wrong, and I'm very sorry I gave you the impression that I did."

I starred at her confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Justin," she said. "I think you need to take all the advice I gave you at the beginning and throw it out. All that shit about not falling for him, use him and abuse him because he won't have anything else to give you—I was wrong!"

Our waitress interrupted to get our drinks. I was hanging onto the edge of my seat wanting to hear Trisha's reasons for telling me that.

"Talk!" I demanded as soon a she was gone.

She smiled, more than happy to tell me. It had been killing her holding it in this long. Trisha is like a balloon blown right onto the verge of exploding.

"Justin knows you and I have become friends, and since I'm the only one he has access to, he's coming to me for help, or advice, or whatever you want to call it. For the most part, he just likes to know you're okay when he's not around. I have never seen anyone so protective, Charity. When he comes in he's always looking for the guy that attacked you, and I pray he never finds him."

That worries me as much as it excites me.

"Talk about going from zero to sixty," she said.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Trisha's face tells me it should be obvious. "Charity, for whatever reason, that man has refused to ever love anyone, never let anyone get close, but he has only known you a month and he is completely in love with you."

"He said that?" I said, my voice cracking. I feel short of breath.

"He doesn't have to. It's screaming out of him from every pore. I suspected it last week when there were subtle hints, but it's way past that now. You've changed him, Charity."

There was no stopping the smile taking over my face.

"And that look answers my next question," Trisha said happily.

"And what is that?" I ask.

"If you are okay with him loving you. If you feel the same, which you obviously do." She stomped her feet under the table excitedly, clapping her hands.

"Are you a little happy about this?" I asked while laughing.

"Are you kidding?" she said, "I'm thrilled. It would be horrible if Justin finally came out of his bubble and had his heart broken. I'm sure he would never come out again. But you feel it too, and that's incredible. I'm so happy and jealous at the same time."

The waitress dropped off our drinks.

"He's still struggling with all this, Trisha, there's a long way to go yet, and no way to know for sure where he'll end up. I'm not ready to just fall in, because he's not ready to catch me," I told her.

"There's a difference between not being ready and not knowing how," Trisha replied. "Justin is ready, he just doesn't know how!"

My emotions are busting at the seams and I feel more alive and awake than ever, but just like Justin, I am afraid of putting myself out there and finding out I'm all alone. Those lessons burn deep and leave scars.

Damn this fear!

"When did you see him?" I asked.

"He came into the Grill last night," Trisha answered. "At first I thought he was meeting you, but he came straight for me and started asking questions about you, if I had talked to you, how you are. He was really concerned if you had said anything about him."

I nodded. "That makes sense. We talked the other day, and he opened up to me about some personal things. I’m sure he's looking to see how that sat with me."

"You guys are right there," Trisha explained, stabbing her finger at the point of it, "right on the edge, both afraid to be the first to step off. One of you needs to do it. One of you is going to do it, or so help me God, I will push you both off." Trisha smiled devilishly.

"Cute," I said. "How did he look, how
was
he?"

Trisha settled back in her chair and took a swig of her drink. "He looked as hot as ever, and a mess at the same time. I think it's hard for anyone that hot to
look
bad. He was dressed like he didn't give shit, which was hot. His hair was a little wilder than normal, which was hot."

We laughed for a moment.

"All the emotional stuff—that was in his eyes," Trisha said softly. "And in his voice. He's so worried about you that he's a wreck. When he talks about you, he lights up, like sitting next to you in a cab is his reason for living. I watched him trip over words, and he never does that, just to try to describe why he can't see you enough." She started laughing. "I almost gave him a heart attack when I told him how I had warned you not to fall for him, that you should use him the way he was going to use you."

"Oh my God, Trisha! What did he do?" I said frantically, terrified she had screwed this up.

"He panicked, just like you're about to do. That's how I know you both want this. Just relax! When I told him you didn't listen to me, that you were falling for him despite my warnings, holy Christ you should have seen him then."

I smiled, feeling my pulse speed up. My face flushed.

"Yeah," Trisha said, pointing at me. "He looked like that. It was like I had pushed him off a cliff, and then he discovered he knew how to fly."

"It's good to know what he wants," I said, "but there's still the question if he can do it. He's spent years alone, pushing people away. I know I could speed this along by making the first moves, but it's got to be done by him, in his own time, or not at all."

Trisha looks deflated.

"You know I'm right," I said.

"Yeah," she said, "but you suck anyway."

We both laughed, taking a moment to check the menu and order.

"Just so you know," Trisha said, "if my new boyfriend doesn't last, and you mess this up with Justin, I might swoop in for the leftovers."

My laughter was too loud for the small place, but we didn't care. "Thanks for the incentive."

"Hey, motivation is motivation," she said.