Charmed (3 page)

Hanging up, Adam felt lonely. He was used to being alone, having never had friends to speak of, and it had never bothered him before. But that was before he’d met Ella. Nothing would ever again be as it was, because she had stolen his heart. He was different; life was different. Being alone was no longer acceptable. Being together was the only thing that felt right.

Alone, Ella felt a gaping hole inside that wouldn’t mend. Adam was all she needed, but he was too far away. The video calls were not a panacea for the deep pain, more a reminder that he was gone. As the days dragged by, she began to wonder how much she’d imagined, sometimes barely believing that what she’d experienced with Adam was real.

Yet living her life had become unreal, the people and things she was used to seeming remote. Adam was more real than any of it. Only
he
meant something. She held the memories of him close, afraid that if she let go of all they’d shared, he’d disappear for good.

Surfing had always been her escape, but not so anymore. The beach reminded her of the day she’d met Adam, the fatal day when he’d rescued her. Reliving his touch, his presence, and every single detail of the time she’d spent with him twisted the agony of living without him deep into her soul. The simple torture of recalling her time with Adam was desirable because it reminded her, vividly, he was not a fantasy.

In desperation to be closer to him, one day she went to his home in Corona Del Mar, and crept behind to the flagstone ledge overlooking the ocean. Sitting with her knees to her chest, she looked up at the expansive patio and wished she were standing up there with Adam’s arms around her. The waves broke against some jagged rocks a few feet from the shoreline; a dramatic sight.

Sighing, she relaxed into the space where Adam had lived for so many months, trying to absorb some remnant of his presence. But it wasn’t working. It felt empty. The expansive home was only a structure, just a shell, without him giving it life. Still hopeful, she walked up the steps to the patio and gazed into the wall of windows at the back of the house.

That was better. Seeing inside gave her a sense of him, and she stepped closer to get a better look inside. Cupping her hands around her face to block the sun, she leaned against the window pane. Looking inside, she could see the thick carpet with the royal blue splashes of color, the first room she’d been in. The thrill of Adam bringing her into his home for the first time, flooded back.

Walking down farther, she could see Adam’s office, his wide pine desk gleaming. It begged his attendance, as if the desk missed him as much as she did. Imagining him sitting and working on his computer, just as he had when she was there, she squinted to see more clearly. The room spoke of the man she loved: masculine, strong, and sexy.

Ella’s mind wandered and she thought of the first time they’d been together intimately, wishing she could look into that room. Warmth she’d missed heated her skin, and a tingly sensation made her lightheaded. Touching her hands to the sun-heated window, she sought the feeling of Adam, of him touching her bare skin.

“May I help you, miss?” a mature male voice said.

Startled, Ella yanked her hands away from the glass as if scorched. A couple of feet away stood a middle-aged man, in shorts and a T-shirt, waiting for her reply. He didn’t seem unfriendly, more curious, and she noted he was very fit. His narrow mustache and receding hairline gave him a distinguished appearance.

“I’m sorry. I, ah…was just looking,” Ella stammered.

Smiling, he extended his hand. “I’m Ray. I’m the caretaker. I stay in the smaller home next to the garaging facility.”

Ella had seen that structure and assumed it was staff housing. “Oh, nice to meet you, Ray. Adam did mention he had a caretaker. He’s not big on servants, but he does need someone to look after things.”

Ray’s firm handshake made her feel welcome. “So you know Adam?”

Blushing unnecessarily—because it wasn’t as if admitting she knew Adam revealed the intimate nature of their relationship—Ella replied, “Yes, I do. Well, I met him before he went back to Brazil.”

Ray nodded, and she glanced away, toward the ocean. Somehow she knew she wasn’t hiding much from him. Never good at disguising her emotions, she feared she was too transparent. Smiling and shifting from one foot to the other, she said, “I guess I should go.” But going was not what she wanted at all, feeling that she was somehow leaving Adam.

“Would you like to go inside?” Ray asked.

“You think that would be okay?” Ella replied, excited at the prospect.

“Sure, I don’t think Adam would mind…since you are friends,” Ray said, eyes twinkling.

Ella was sure Ray would lock up when she left, but during her stay he vanished. Left to walk around and settle into the space she’d shared with Adam, a feeling of joy rose inside her. Being in his home, she was closer to him—or she felt closer, anyway. Strolling through the home, back to the familiar rooms, she touched the exquisite counters and paneling, loving them with her fingertips.

Adam’s home was something of him. She’d heard of women sniffing their man’s shirt to be close to him, and now she understood. Unfortunately, any clothing she could find in the closets was freshly laundered and smelled of soap. But she did find his surfboard propped up on its pad, leaning carefully against the wall. He must have another board in Brazil, she thought.

Running her fingers along the waxed surface, she admired all over again the artful design, and imagined Adam riding the custom board. She’d seen him do it so many times, and hoped she would again. The way he commanded the unique surfboard, and flew down the inside of a wave, was exhilarating to watch.

Finally, she found the room where Adam had first made love to her. Coming upon it, her heart raced, and dropping to her knees she ran her hand over the rug. Images of their first time raced through her mind. She wanted it all. She wanted him back. Falling onto the rug on her back, she covered her eyes.
Adam, oh Adam
.

Not sure how much time had passed, Ella woke up, unsure at first where she was. Remembering she was in Adam’s home, she sat up. One part of her wanted to sit on the rug longer, make the memory last, but she knew it was late. Ray had been kind to let her in at all. If she didn’t make a nuisance of herself, possibly she could come back another time.

That night, she wrote in her diary, expressing as best she could how it felt to be apart:

Diary, you’ve been a good friend. You listen to me in my most dreadful moods, and you always have. I’ve shared the amazing joy I found with Adam. And I’ve shared the deep hurt I feel that he’s gone.

Today I went to his home. I just missed him so much, and had nowhere to turn. Being in his home, I felt close to him. I could remember being there for the first time, remember his presence, remember the thrill of just being with him.

He brought love to my life. He’s so kind and polite and caring. The perfect man, really. That’s what he is. I love him, and that’s not going to change. Even if I never see him again, I will still love him forever. My love is that strong.

We talk on the phone a lot. Or we did in the beginning. I know he has things to deal with in Brazil, so he can’t be calling me every minute. It seems like we don’t talk as often, and that scares me. Anything that takes Adam from me scares me.

What will I do? I can’t live without him. The pain is killing me. I’d suffer any pain for him, so it’s not the pain I mind. It’s just that I want the pain to mean we will be together again. I can endure if I know it will be worth it in the end.

His home was so empty without him. Just his presence lights it up, just as it lights up my life when he’s around. Adam is special. There will never be anyone like him. I can’t bear to think that he may be gone for good. It feels like a hand has reached inside and is tearing my heart out.

Tell me it will work out. I have to hope that it will. Otherwise, I don’t know how I’ll go on. I really don’t.

Weeks went by, and still Ella had no idea when she’d see Adam again. When he did call, she did her best to show her happiness. The last thing she wanted him to do was stop calling. Yet Adam was as in tune with her emotions as he ever was, and she was sure he knew. His calls were less frequent, and she hoped it wasn’t because of her sour mood.

Over and over, she tried to pry the details about Brazil from him. He’d just tell her that he would take care of everything. Still he couldn’t say when he’d be back, although he reassured her that he missed her every bit as much as she missed him. And she believed him—but it didn’t help.

Going to the bookstore became dull and routine, just as it had been before meeting Adam. She couldn’t look forward to seeing him after work, nor could he pop into the store unexpectedly as he had that one memorable day.

Every day she showed up to work surprised her, because she had no motivation. Well, one motivation. Adam. She had to keep going, for when he came back. That was the single driving force in her life, and somehow it was enough to keep her getting up every day.

Surfing was still her other passion, but even that had lost its spark. The beach, the water, her surfboard—everything reminded her of Adam, and to think of Adam was to feel the knife to her heart, the feeling of loss over his absence stabbing her deeply. Her reaction was to surf so hard and so long she could hardly drag back to her apartment afterward. The punishing physical exertion numbed her just enough to mute the heartache.

On the bus to work one day, she listened to a song on her iPod that she’d heard hundreds if not thousands of times. But that day Pink spoke to her: “Just Give Me A Reason” was about Adam coming into her life. The lyrics reminded her of everything she had told him, and how doing so had healed her. He’d stolen her heart with his sexiness, his kindness, and his understanding.

Putting her hand around her throat, she sought to still the sobs threatening to burst out. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she turned toward the window, lest anyone else see. Adam wanted her despite her personal issues or anything that had happened in the past. The way he said her name, the way he looked at her and called her beautiful, his touch—he gave her a new life. A life unmarred by earlier abuse, a life she wanted.

The dull monotony of her existence, the darkness had become brilliant from his touch. Adam touched her life and made her feel beautiful, even gave her confidence. And he’d made her promise never to let anyone hurt her again, never to fall prey to low self-esteem, and never forget that she was beautiful. That was a hard promise to keep, and she wasn’t doing so well at it lately.

Over the weeks, she’d become better friends with Cameron. More often they went to lunch together or he gave her a ride home. Needing a friend, she found that she talked to him a bit more; he was non-threatening and she felt comfortable around him. He knew she was waiting for Adam, and it was to his credit that he didn’t ask her out.

Over a juicy burger one day, Cameron broached the subject of Adam’s absence, aware of Ella’s loss. Sitting across from him, she picked at her food, watching him eat his meal, hungrily. He was a young athletic male, after all.

Between bites, he asked, “So, what’s the latest with Adam? Is he coming back?”

The question, stated so bluntly, made her heart stop. How many times had she wondered that but never allowed the fear to take hold? “Yes, he’s coming back. So don’t think of moving in on his territory,” she volleyed, irritated by the reminder.

“Hey, I’m just being a friend. And I’m seeing someone now, anyway. So don’t get all high and mighty like you’re the only girl in the world. Yeah you’re cute and all, but still,” he said, the sparkle in his eyes giving away his lighthearted mood.

Ella was glad to see someone who wasn’t sunk in the muck. “Who is she? This other girl,” she said, teasing back.

“Lori Cooper. I met her at my sister’s bakery. She started working there a few weeks ago,” Cameron said, pulling out his wallet to dig out a photo. “Here, that’s us. My sister took it before we went out the other night. She thinks we look good together.”

Ella looked at Cameron’s smiling face in the picture with his arm around a petite woman about his age. The close-up shot revealed her light gray eyes and pretty dark blond hair, streaked by the sun. Even Cameron looked sharp in his crisp white dress shirt; he’d even combed his hair.

“So, is it serious?” Ella asked.

“I like her a lot,” he replied, and then frowned.

“But what about you, Ella? A long-distance relationship only goes so far. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. That’s a myth.”

“Yeah, I know. I just wish I knew when he was coming back. We talk on the phone—you know that video phone he got me? But he still won’t tell me everything. I think he’s trying to protect me…from something. I only wish I knew what it was. I’m tougher than he thinks.”

Cameron grinned. “You’re tough, all right. But I feel bad for you, Ella. I think this guy has really gotten to you. I mean, you look depressed, sorry to say.”

Ella couldn’t argue with that. Since Adam was gone, her interest in her new wardrobe had waned. Likely, she’d gone back to her plain-Jane look. It was probably obvious to everyone how down she was. Not good, but she doubted she had the strength to care. All her focus was on Adam.

“I guess ‘depressed’ would describe it,” she agreed. “I hate to pull everyone else down with me. I don’t want to be this way. I just can’t help it. I never thought I’d care about anyone this much. I didn’t think I could. But, Cam, it’s like he’s the other half of me. I’m only half alive at best without him. If he doesn’t come back, I just…” Her words drifted away.