Chase the Stars (Lang Downs 2 ) (26 page)

J
ESSE
stared at the neck of the bottle of beer he held, the only alcohol he’d been able to find in Boorowa at the time of night he’d arrived. He was lucky anything was still open, even the hotel, but he’d gotten a six-pack and a room, so he was set for the night. Now, three beers in, he’d lapsed into self-pitying misery. He hadn’t signed on for this. He’d signed on for a summer of work and a bit of fun with another jackaroo. He’d gotten both, but apparently he’d gotten more than he realized.

He took another gulp of his beer.
He
liked
his life as it was. He liked being able to leave a place at the end of the summer and not have to go back if it wasn’t somewhere he felt like returning. He liked the freedom of knowing no one was depending on him beyond his work as a jackaroo. He could handle sheep; he didn’t have a good track record with people.
If he accepted what Seth said, he’d be taking on not just Chris, but Seth as well. He might think about it if only Chris was involved. Chris was an adult, responsible for his own choices the same way Jesse was, but Seth was still a kid, and he’d be affected by both Chris’s and Jesse’s choices.
The devil on his shoulder pointed out he’d already affected Seth by leaving, but he rationalized the choice by arguing that this way he’d only hurt Seth once instead of every time he made a bad choice, as he was sure to do if he stayed.
Of course he’d told Macklin he’d be back in a week, so he’d have to face Chris and Seth eventually, unless he just didn’t come back. He’d lose half his pay that way and the possibility of returning to Lang Downs in the future, not to mention the lack of references when he tried to get a job elsewhere next summer, but it would almost be worth it not to have to see the hurt in their eyes at his desertion.
He could get a job waiting tables or something in Melbourne to make up for the lost income, and he still had his references from other summers. It wouldn’t be ideal, but it would be better than nothing.
Better than hurting Chris even worse than he’d already done.
When had Chris fallen in love with him? When had Seth started seeing them as a family?
Jesse had no idea, and drunk as he was getting as he opened the fourth bottle, he doubted he could figure it out, but the guilt remained even through the haze of alcohol. Had he done something to lead Chris on? Said something to make the other man think Jesse was offering more than they’d originally agreed on?
They’d been very clear early on, talking about how they weren’t Caine and Macklin, how they were just friends with benefits. Chris had repeated that more than once himself, and Jesse hadn’t noticed any doubt or hesitation in his voice as he’d spoken.
Sure, he’d helped Chris out in Yass, but he’d have done that for any friend in need. Granted, he didn’t have any other friends who needed that kind of support, but he wouldn’t have hesitated. Had Chris misread his presence at the hospital? Had he taken it as more of a commitment than Jesse had intended?
Jesse supposed it was possible. Chris had used the word friend when talking with the doctor, but that could have been as much self-preservation as anything else. After all, he’d been bashed in Yass once. Opening up to a stranger about being gay a second time would have seemed incredibly risky, especially since just a group of teens walking down the street was enough to trigger a panic attack for Chris.
They’d shared a hotel room in Boorowa that night, but they hadn’t had a choice. There hadn’t been a third room available, so it was either share or sleep in the car. Jesse had done that a few times. It wasn’t an experience he’d care to repeat if he had a choice. But again, he’d have shared with any of the Lang Downs jackaroos rather than sleep in the car, so surely that wasn’t what had made Chris’s feelings change.
They spent a lot of time working together on the station, but that was Caine or Macklin’s doing, not Jesse’s own. He and Chris made a good team, and he didn’t mind showing Chris the ropes, so assigning them to work together was a logical choice, and Jesse hadn’t complained since it meant they could sneak in the occasional kiss (or blow job if Chris had his way), but Jesse hadn’t taken that to be anything more than Chris having the typical horniness of a guy in his early twenties. Had Chris seen it as more?As a sign of a commitment Jesse hadn’t intended to make?
God, he hoped not.
He could deal with a lot of things, but leading Chris on, however unintentionally, would eat at him. He had always prided himself on being upfront about his intentions. If he’d somehow said something or done something to suggest he wanted more, he’d hate himself even more than he already did.
He gulped down his beer. He wanted to stop thinking so he could sleep, but his mind wouldn’t shut down. He took another deep gulp, hoping he could lose himself in the oblivion of drunkenness if he couldn’t lose himself in sleep.

The words startled Chris so much he nearly dropped the pitchfork he’d been pretending to use to muck stalls while he turned Jesse’s desertion over and over in his head.

“I’m sorry?”
“I said there’s something you should know about Aussie stockmen,” Caine repeated. “Come walk with me. The stable is not the most conducive place for a heart-toheart conversation.”
“Is that what we’re going to have?” Chris asked warily. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the idea. He didn’t doubt Caine could give him good advice, but it would mean telling the grazier about him and Jesse, and Chris had never had anyone he could really confide in about anything concerning his sexuality.
“I think it’s time we did,” Caine replied, leading Chris out of the barn and toward the veranda on the big house. “Macklin convinced me not to say anything earlier in the season, but you obviously need a friend right now, and the man who filled that role since you got here is the reason why. I love Macklin, but he isn’t the talking type, so that leaves me to fill the role.”
“You say that so easily,” Chris said with more than a little envy.
“I didn’t grow up here. You have to remember that. Like you could forget it listening to me talk, but it’s more than just an accent or a choice of words now and then,” Caine said. “I came out to my parents when I was in high school, and it was a complete non-issue. I was out in college, and other than one guy in my dorm who was a little weirded out by it, nobody cared. I moved to Philadelphia, met a guy I thought I’d be with forever, got an apartment in the Gayborhood—yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like. Sure, I ran into the occasional asshole, but I lived a pretty uneventful life as an openly gay man.”
“So why did you come here?” Chris asked. “I mean, not that I think you shouldn’t have, but why would you leave all that behind for Australia?”
“Because I was in a d-dead-end job, the g-guy I thought I’d be with d-dumped me, I couldn’t afford the apartment by myself, and I’d always wanted to visit my uncle’s sheep station,” Caine said. “My mother was ggoing to sell it. She didn’t have any need for a sheep station and no way to run it either. It was about to be my last chance, and even if I b-blew it, it couldn’t be any wworse than what I was leaving b-behind.”
“You’re stuttering. You never stutter.”
Caine laughed. “You didn’t know me a year ago. I don’t stutter very often anymore, but strong emotion still brings it out. My point, though, is that being gay wasn’t ever something I needed to hide, so of course it’s easy for me to talk about being with Macklin. I don’t think of it any differently than Neil would think about telling people he and Molly are getting married, but I’ve been here long enough to realize I’m the only one in the outback who feels that way. Honestly, it didn’t take twenty-four hours to realize I was the only one who felt that way. So yes, I say it easily, and the people around me have reached a point where I can even live it fairly easily, but that doesn’t mean reaching this point was easy. You’ve met Macklin. You can’t believe for a second that he was out before I came.”
“No,” Chris said. “You’re right. I couldn’t believe he danced with you last night.”
“He couldn’t believe it either,” Caine said. “He’s a stockman through and through. Hard as nails and strong as the mountains we’re standing on, and anything that might imply weakness is stomped out before it can take root. It’s one of the many reasons I love him. He will always be there for me to lean on, offering his strength, but it sometimes makes me want to beat his head against the wall because he’s as stubborn and set in his ways as he is strong, and that’s the thing you need to know about Aussie stockmen. They respect strength and determination. They’re strong enough, or maybe repressed enough, to turn off their emotions and walk away from everything they really want if they think it’s not right or good or whatever stupid ideas they get in their heads. Macklin tried to do it to me, and I’d venture a guess Jesse’s trying to do the same thing to you.”
“So what do I do about it?” Chris asked.
“Well, that depends,” Caine replied. “Just like water wears down rock, it’s possible to break them down and get inside their heads and their hearts, but it’s a hell of a lot of work, and it’s not something that happens overnight. I was lucky, in a sense. I almost drowned, and that scared Macklin right out of his stoic shell. If that hadn’t happened, I’d probably still be working on him because it hasn’t been a year yet since I got here, much less since I realized Macklin was what I wanted. So the first question isn’t what to do about it. The first question is what do you want from Jesse?”
“Nothing at the moment,” Chris muttered.
“I don’t blame you,” Caine said, giving Chris’s shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. “And if that’s really your answer, then you don’t need to worry about anything else. You can forget everything I told you except for future reference if you meet another stubborn stockman you want to try your luck with.”
“No,” Chris admitted, “it’s not really my answer. I’m angry and hurt that he left without a word, but Macklin seemed to think he was pretty upset, so maybe Seth letting the cat out of the bag about me falling in love with him really bothered him.”
“I take it you hadn’t talked about it?”
Chris shook his head. “It never seemed like the right time, and besides, we were just messing around, you know? It wasn’t supposed to be anything serious, just two guys letting off a little steam now and then. There’s no harm in that.”
“No, there isn’t,” Caine agreed. “So Jesse’s problem is he thinks you changed the rules on him mid-game, and he doesn’t know how to deal with that.”
“That’s why I didn’t tell him,” Chris said. “My emotions are my problem, not his. I mean, I hoped he’d eventually feel the same way, but I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it or ask him for anything or expect him to do anything differently.”
“Even to the point of letting him go at the end of the season?”
“I hadn’t gotten that far,” Chris said, “but I knew he planned on going. He’d made comments about spending the winter in Melbourne and stuff, so I knew he wasn’t planning on settling down yet, but he also made comments about maybe coming back next summer, so I figured we’d pick up where we left off, and maybe next summer would be different.”
“It sounds to me like you already know the answer to my first question, then,” Caine said. “You want him, whatever that ends up looking like.”
“Yeah, but will he still want me now that he knows how I feel?”
“I can’t answer that question for you,” Caine said, “but I’ll repeat what I said about those stubborn stockmen. If Macklin thought for a second that the station and I would be better served without him here, he would leave and never look back. Fortunately I disabused him of that notion before he could actually do it, but I have no doubt it could have happened. If Jesse’s got it in his head that he’s bad for you, he’s perfectly capable of leaving, no matter what he really wants, just because he’s got a stubborn streak a mile wide and core of steel that he’s built up from hiding who he is and being strong enough to protect himself if someone does find out. Granted, Macklin’s had a few more years to build that up than Jesse has, but Macklin’s been on Lang Downs since he was sixteen, and until a year ago, he had Uncle Michael to back him up if necessary. Jesse’s moved from station to station, so he’s had to start over each time with convincing the people around him he’s as hard and tough as they are.”
“So what do I do?”
“You fight for him.”

T
HE
bar in Melbourne where Jesse spent most of his winter evenings was just as crowded and just as dingy in the summer, but the drinks were still as cheap and the men just as available. Jesse figured it was the best he could ask for. Now he just had to find oblivion in hard liquor and some twink’s tight ass. An anonymous fuck to help him get Chris out of his system. Just what the doctor ordered.

If only he could find one.
He ruled out all the blonds because he’d end up picturing a pair of deep, dark eyes to go with the light hair. The brunets all rubbed him the wrong way too. They were too tall, too short, too buff, or too skinny. He’d had enough seductive looks cast his way to take his pick, but he obviously wasn’t drunk enough yet since none of them sparked more than a passing flicker of interest.
“You’re back early,” the bartender said as he brought Jesse another drink. “We don’t usually see you until the end of April.”
“I took a week off,” Jesse said, refusing to think about why he had the time. “Where else would I go?”
“I can think of a couple regulars who’ll be happy to see you, early or not,” the bartender said with a leer.
“Point me their way,” Jesse said with a joviality he didn’t feel. “Better yet, send one of them a drink from me.” “You don’t want to know who it is first?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jesse said. “I’m just looking for some action, not romance.”
The bartender looked skeptical, but he indicated a guy at the end of the bar—not a blond, thankfully—and Jesse nodded. A few minutes later, the man came down to lean on the bar next to Jesse. “Welcome back.”
“It’s just for a few days,” Jesse said, not wanting to give the man any false hope. He’d done enough of that with Chris apparently.
“I could deal with a few days,” the guy said. “I’m Matt.”
“Jesse.”
“You wanna dance, Jesse?”
Dancing was the last thing Jesse wanted, not when he’d been too afraid to dance with Chris, but he had to have some prelude to dragging the guy into the bathroom or back room to fuck him. “Why not?”
Matt grinned and pulled Jesse onto the dance floor, grinding against him more than actually dancing as he felt up Jesse’s chest through his shirt.
Jesse’s body reacted to the stimulation, his nipples tightening and his cock waking up in his pants. Matt grinned and turned in Jesse’s loose embrace so he could press his arse against Jesse’s groin. Jesse groaned and used the new position to run his hands over Matt’s chest in turn. The man was hot and obviously eager, and the combination of lust and drunkenness made it easy to forget the desperation that had brought him Melbourne at the height of summer. He closed his eyes and let the music add to the pounding in his blood. He couldn’t have danced like this with Chris, even if he’d given in to Seth’s urging. He would have had to keep it clean, not this raw, needy buildup to mindless release. Matt didn’t care who was watching, and no one in the bar cared how lewdly they rubbed against each other. Hell, half the bar would probably cheer if Jesse got Matt’s shirt off and started giving them a real show.
If the way Matt egged him on, bucking against him and moaning loud enough to be heard over the music every time Jesse squeezed his nipples was any indication, Matt wouldn’t mind either.
“Let’s go somewhere a little more private,” Jesse said as he slid one hand from Matt’s chest to his dick. “I want to get a taste of this.”
Matt flashed him a seductive grin and pulled him toward the shadowy restroom corridor. Jesse ignored his conscience screaming that this was wrong, that he’d regret it in the morning, that Matt deserved better than to be used as a path to forgetfulness even if he didn’t mind being a casual fuck.
The fluorescent lights of the restroom were glaring after the relative darkness of the bar itself, making Jesse wince as his head pounded and his gut churned from everything he’d drunk before dancing with Matt. Matt wasn’t paying attention to Jesse’s discomfort, though, pulling Jesse toward one of the open stalls and locking them inside.
Chris would have noticed
, Jesse’s conscience said.
Chris would have cared.