Chasing Angels (12 page)

‘Aye, well, Aggie,’ Kathy would reply coolly, ‘it’s no’ as if we’re bad at attractin’ men in this family, is it? Ah mean, a’ Ah havtae dae is
follow ma Auntie Jessie’s lead, she has merr through her hands than she can cope wi’, hasn’t she?’

Aggie spluttered with rage from her chair beside the fire.

‘An’ no’ just her hands either, eh?’ she winked theatrically at her grandmother for effect. ‘In fact, wi’ they scabby mitts she darenae touch them withoot
rubber gloves, an’ that’s no’ awfy erotic, is it? Ah must see if we’ve no’ got somethin’ in the shop that would help her, mibbe Ah could get her usual double
dose o’ penicillin, or bulk orders o’ rubber gloves, oan ma staff discount!’

‘Ah’ll tell ye this!’ Aggie yelled, rising from her chair and crossing herself. ‘Ah’ll tell ye this!’

‘Aw for Godsake get oan wi’ it an’ tell me, Aggie! Ma shift starts in four hours!’

‘That Crawford boy is too damn good for ye! There y’are! Whit dae ye thinka that then? Ah’ve a good mind tae have a serious talk tae him an’ tell him whit ye’re
like, so Ah have, ya black-hearted wee swine that ye are!’

‘Aye, you dae that, Aggie. Tell ye whit. If ye really want tae put him aff, take alang exhibit A, your scabby Jessie, show him whit he’ll be marryin’ intae. If that doesnae put
him aff, nothin’ will!’

She could still hear Aggie screaming as she walked down the stairs and made for Govan.

But the Jamie dilemma remained and deepened, until the evening of her nineteenth birthday, when he presented her with a small, mock-leather box bearing the name of H. Samuel’s the
jeweller’s. They were sitting in Dino’s café in Sauchiehall Street, a place Jamie had decided was sophisticated, when he presented his gift. Taking the little box in her hands
and opening the lid she truly knew what it meant to have her heart in her mouth, or her throat to be exact. She knew what was inside, and she didn’t want it, but she knew with equal certainty
that she would have to accept it; she had been trapped. Sitting in a slot in the velvet interior of the box was a solitaire diamond ring, the very one that Jamie had pointed out to her on past
missions to persuade her into an official engagement. It wasn’t a big diamond, in fact it was hard to distinguish where the setting finished and the diamond began, and she knew exactly how
much it had cost, because she had been forced to look at it so often in H. Samuel’s window in Argyle Street: £66. It wasn’t the size of the stone that she disliked, and she knew
how hard Jamie must have saved to afford £66, the problem was that she wouldn’t have wanted even a ten carat diamond from him. That was it. The truth was that she didn’t want
Jamie. She could feel a rush of tears to her eyes and knew they were born of shame; this was Jamie, who had been by her side all her life, who had been loyal and loving, and she neither loved him
nor wanted him. The impulse to throw the box on the floor and run away was hard to resist, her legs actually trembled with the urge, and her face muscles seemed frozen when she desperately needed
to compose them into a smile. Her mind was racing though, before she had even uttered a word her mind was thinking forward to how she could get out of this. She would have to feign surprise and
delight of course, but a plan of escape was already being formulated. Thus reassured that she could ultimately escape the trap, she allowed the beaming Jamie to put the ring on her engagement
finger.
For now
, a voice in her mind said.

‘There!’ he said. ‘That’s it official!’

‘
For now
,’ the voice repeated.

‘There’s nae escapin’
noo
!’

‘
For now, for now
…’

She wore Jamie’s ring when she knew she would see him, but at all other times she left it in its box in her room, vaguely hoping in fact that Old Con would find it and pawn it for drinking
money. Naturally, the one time when she needed his thieving ways they deserted him. Once she had forgotten to put the ring on before she saw Jamie and seeing the panic and hurt in his eyes, she
came up with an instant explanation. ‘Ah forgot it!’ she said brightly. ‘Imagine that! Ah don’t wear it at work, ye see, because o’ the chemicals an’
things.’ She looked up at him and was relieved to see him nod in agreement. ‘An’ Ah was that late gettin’ here that Ah must’ve left it oan the chesta drawers! Oh, Ah
feel that lost withoot it tae!’ ‘
An’ a total fraud intae the bargain
!’ she said to herself. And so the awkward moment had been salved, but though he seemed to accept
the explanation, Jamie’s anxieties were activated once again by the incident. And that was why she had slept with him, or so she told herself. The truth was that she didn’t know why she
had done it. At the time it had been like the next step in a long progression of pacifiers, a means of keeping at bay the day when she would have to tell him she wouldn’t marry him, she had
simply been buying more time. She knew it was stupid and that she was doing something totally illogical. She wanted rid of this nice but boring man whom she didn’t love, so she became engaged
to him, then started sleeping with him as a means of getting away? Where was the sense in that? What the hell was she doing, what was she thinking? Sex as a bargaining ploy, sex without love. Dear
God, the older she got the more she resembled Auntie Jessie! Her mind was full of ‘maybes’. Maybe if her mother had been there it wouldn’t have reached this stage, maybe with
Lily’s support she could’ve told Jamie much earlier that she didn’t want him, extricated herself with some dignity. But she couldn’t escape as easily as that, and she
couldn’t blame anyone or any situation, it was down to her, the whole sorry mess. Maybe it was in the genes after all. Not that the latest concession worked long anyway; the supreme sacrifice
had only heightened Jamie’s desire to be married. He was a deeply conventional man, he needed security, not some halfway measure, however enjoyable, for him at any rate. Mentally and verbally
she ran from him, until the day came when he wanted to set a definite date and she couldn’t run any longer, she had to admit that she wasn’t ready to get married. It still wasn’t
the truth, of course, the perfect opportunity had presented itself and she had messed it up. She didn’t want to marry Jamie, now or ever, and that was what she should’ve told him, but
she used the ‘not quite ready’ excuse instead.

‘Look, Kathy,’ he said, looking so desperately hurt that she almost caved in and hugged him, ‘ye canny keep puttin’ it aff like this.’

‘Jamie, Ah’m no’ puttin’ it aff!’ she lied. ‘But we’re baith young, Ah’m no’ even twenty yet. Whit’s the hurry tae tie oorselves
doon?’

‘Whit’s the pointa waitin’ when we know we’re gonny get married? Ah’ve finished ma apprenticeship, Ah’m earnin’ good money. It’s time tae get
married.’ He shrugged his shoulders; for him the evidence was overwhelming and unarguable. For a long time there was silence. ‘Kathy, Ah know Ah’m no’ excitin’,’
he said sadly, ‘but we’ve known each other a’ oor lives, you knew it when we got engaged. Ah don’t see whit else you want, unless there’s somebody else, of
course?’

‘There’s naebody else, Jamie.’

He cleared his throat. ‘Kathy, Ah just want tae settle doon. Ah’d rather dae it wi’ you, but if you don’t want that, Ah’ll find somebody else tae be ma
wife.’

Looking back, she remembered feeling sorry for him at that moment, she had thought it was a kind of ultimatum born of Jamie’s desperation, and Jamie being a solid man without a rich
imagination, it had been the best he could come up with at the time. And she’d been wrong, of course. They had continued seeing each other over the next six weeks or so, the subject of his
need for marriage sooner rather than later lying in the air, but unspoken between them, while she scrupulously remembered to wear his ring. They were in a booth at Dino’s when he once again
asked her to name a date, and when she hedged he told her about Angela. Angela was a nurse, she worked in the medical unit at the Albion, and Angela wanted him, apparently. Desperation again, Kathy
thought. He wanted to marry Kathy, he always had, he said, but if she wouldn’t then he would settle for Angela. Kathy, still trying to work out what was true and what was panic, didn’t
reply. He got up and stood fidgeting beside the table. ‘She’s pregnant,’ he said quietly.

‘Yours?’ Kathy asked, sounding considerably calmer than she felt.

Jamie nodded, his head down.

‘So ye’ve been seein’ her while ye’ve been seein’ me?’ she asked incredulously.

Jamie nodded again.

‘Sleepin’ wi’ the baitha us?’ she demanded, her voice rising.

‘Shh!’ Jamie said, looking around the other diners. ‘Keep yer voice doon!’

‘Bugger ma voice! Ye’ve been sleepin’ wi’ this lassie as well as me?’

He nodded miserably again.

‘Then why the hell are ye askin’ me tae marry ye?’ she demanded. ‘Ye’ve got this lassie pregnant already an’ ye’re sayin’ ye want tae marry
somebody else?’

‘Ah’m no’ prouda it!’ he said defensively.

‘Oh, well then!’ Kathy said sarcastically. ‘You’re no’ prouda it, so that makes it OK, then!’

‘It wouldnae have happened if you hadnae kept puttin’ it aff!’ Jamie replied accusingly.

‘So it’s
ma
fault, is it? You’ve got this poor lassie pregnant while ye’re engaged tae somebody else, an’ it’s
ma
fault?’

‘In a way,’ he said unconvincingly.

‘Don’t talk such shite, Jamie! A’ these years Ah’ve known ye, an’ Ah didnae believe ye were that kinda man, tae treat any wumman like that!’

‘Ah’ve been tryin’ tae get ye tae marry me for years noo—’

‘No’
me
, ya numpty! The other lassie! Whit’s her name?’

‘Angela.’

‘Angela. An’ this Angela, does she know ye’re engaged tae me?’

Jamie shook his head, looking away.

‘Ah canny hear ye, big man,’ she said harshly. ‘Speak up!’

‘Naw, she doesnae know aboot me an’ you.’

Kathy stared blankly at the uneaten meals on the table in front of her. ‘Ah canny believe it, Jamie, Ah really canny! Ye never told me aboot her or her aboot me, so she doesnae know
ye’re here, askin’ me tae name the day either. An’ there she is, expectin’ your wean, an’ somehow it’s a’
ma
fault! Whit kinda man are ye?’
She took the solitaire ring off her finger and handed it to him without looking at him, taking care as she did so that her fingers didn’t touch his. ‘Away an’ marry the
lassie,’ she said. ‘She’s probably too good for ye, but she’s carryin’ yer wean, so she’s stuck wi’ ye!’

Jamie put the ring in his jacket pocket and stood uneasily by the table.

‘Whit ye waitin’ for?’ she asked.

‘Ah thought we’d go hame thegither,’ he said innocently.

‘Away tae buggery, Jamie,’ Kathy said sourly. ‘Even the sight o’ ye would make me sick!’

She remembered a whole flood of feelings from that night. Relief at getting rid of the burden of the H. Samuel’s ring and all it threatened, there was that, of course, but there was also
anger, and she never did work out all the levels of her anger. There was her injured pride, she couldn’t deny that. All that time when she had been agonising over how to let him down as
gently as possible, and Jamie already had his escape route not only planned, but well broken in! And the indignity of it, sleeping with both of them at the same time and neither knowing of the
other, when she had expected him to observe a decent period of purdah after she had dumped him. Well, it was only right, after all. He would have been dumped by the love of his life, and though she
didn’t want it to blight his life for ever, she did expect it to blight it just a little. Surely some temporary heartache was in order, for God’s sake! Christ, but it was just like a
man when you thought about it, absolutely par for the course, but this was
Jamie. Jamie
! Jamie who was solid, dependable and, by the say-so of everyone who had known the two of them all
their lives, he was a good, non-smoking, non-drinking man who wouldn’t give her ‘ony trouble’. When he had said that he wouldn’t wait for ever she had thought it a sad
bluff, an attempt to make her come to heel. Presumably, then, this Angela was already on the scene as he delivered his ultimatum, so why didn’t he tell her outright instead of hinting
discreetly, the creep? Now there was a new concept, Jamie Crawford as a creep. She would’ve staked her life on her reading of Jamie’s character, she would’ve trusted him with her
life, come to that. As well as solid and dependable he had always been open and honest, there wasn’t one thing he had ever said or done, no matter how boring, that she had cause to doubt. He
was Jamie; what more was there to say? Or at least he had been.

And now she would have to brave the gossip and the stares. She had always known that day would come, but she had planned it to be on
her
terms, so that they would stare and talk about how
Kathy Kelly had dumped poor Jamie Crawford, hard, callous bitch that she was, after all the years they’d been together. Jamie’s worth and suitability as a husband and father
would’ve been gone over till they achieved heroic proportions, and as the injured party all available sympathy and support would’ve gone to him. She had long been prepared for that, but
now the dynamics had changed irrevocably. Everyone knew what a saint Jamie was and how quick Kathy Kelly was with that tongue of hers, so it would be accepted that she had in some way let him down,
that if he had found someone else then it must be her fault, because Jamie was flawless, always had been. They’d laugh at her. She didn’t mind them condemning her for dumping him, but
she hated the idea of being laughed at because Jamie had someone else and she didn’t. And she didn’t have long to wait. In the spirit of family solidarity, Old Aggie was first up.

‘Ah tellt ye that Crawford laddie wouldnae wait for ever!’ she announced gleefully. She was sitting in her usual armchair by the fire, looking like a malignant troll and wallowing in
her joyous task of taunting her granddaughter. ‘Miss High and Mighty! Ah aye said ye thought ye were somethin’ an’ a’ the time ye were nothin’,’ she said
happily, ‘Ah never did know whit that laddie saw in ye, when it was quite clear ye didnae gie him the time o’ day, or anythin’ else for that matter!’ she cackled
heartily.