Chat Love (22 page)

“Jackson, I don’t want to be used for sex.”

His eyes soften. “I know, we talked about this last night, remember?”

“I know, but I want a relationship,” I explain.

Jackson looks away from me. “I know you do, Lucia, but right now I’m not the guy that you should want a relationship with. I need to work on myself, so that I can change and become a better man.”

I can feel my heart breaking because of his words. I take a deep breath, trying to not cry in front of him. I choke out, “I understand.”

I can feel the burn of my tears as I look away, embarrassed.

“Don’t misunderstand me, Lu.” Jackson says, noticing my tears. “I’m not saying that it will never happen; I just need to work on a few things. But in the meantime, I would still like to remain friends with you, if you’d be OK with that. I had a great time last night.”

I laugh humorlessly, wiping my face. “Yeah, because we hooked up.”

Jackson quickly corrects me. “No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean, the kissing was wonderful, but I had a good time for the entire night. I enjoyed every part of it, even when we were just talking.” He lifts my chin gently again, making me look at him. “Lucia, I do enjoy your company and I would like to remain friends. I think that being friends with you might help to make me a better person.”

I consider my options. Is it really possible for me to just be friends with Jackson? I’m not even sure if I can control myself around him. My brain is telling me that my feelings for him will make being friends torture, but my heart can’t stand the thought of being apart. I decide that I can be strong, and I offer my hand to him.

“Friends?” I ask.

He takes my hand and shakes it. “Friends.”

The next day, Patrick apologizes to me for his behavior at the restaurant. However, Jackson is still upset, and I catch him snapping at poor Patrick for the rest of the week. A month later Jackson and I are struggling to find balance between being friends and being attracted to one another. Jackson has become one of my closest friends, but we’ve also been kissing quite a bit more than most friends do. To a stranger, we would appear to be a couple from our walks in the park with Ginger, frequent lunches and dinners, movie dates, flirting, and sleepovers. Every time I pass Dennis, the doorman, he makes small talk with me, reminding me of how happy he is to see Jackson dating such a nice girl. I have yet to correct him, because I’m still partial to the idea of being Jackson’s girlfriend.

Jackson and I have yet to do anything besides kissing one another, and we are also waiting to make any sort of commitment to one another. For some reason, we can’t seem to decide where we want to be as a pair. To the world, we are technically nothing more than friends, but I know that I want more and I can feel that he’s beginning to want more as well.

When I get home, I walk into the living room of my apartment and see Autumn on the couch, talking on her phone while giggling and twirling her hair. She must notice how upset I am, because she quickly ends the call and turns to face me.

“What’s up?” she asks. “Are you OK?”

I sit on the couch next to her and sigh. “I just got off the phone with my sister.”

Autumn bites her lip, worried. “And?”

I sigh again. “She’s having a girl.”

Autumn squeals and jumps on top of me, embracing me in a massive hug. “That’s great news! You’re going to be an aunt to a little girl! Why do you look so upset about that?”

I pull away from her. “Don’t you get it?” I ask. “My sister is having a little princess, and my parents are simply ecstatic. My father keeps going on about how she’ll be the favorite of the grandchildren because she’s the first girl; he’s always had a soft spot for little girls. That’s why he never wanted a son; he claims they’re too rough.”

Autumn asks, “But don’t most men want a son in order to carry on the family name?”

“Yeah, but my uncle has three sons, so the name is covered,” I reply.

After a minute of silence, Autumn jumps to her feet. “OK, I know something that will cheer you up. Let’s have a ladies’ night tonight, and we’ll get a group together to go have some fun in the city.”

“I don’t know; I’m kind of tired,” I say, telling the truth. All of this baby nonsense has been exhausting.

She puts her hands on her hips and sternly says, “You’ve been spending so much time with Jackson lately that we’ve hardly gotten to hang out. You deserve a night to yourself, and I want to spend some time with you, so we’re going out.” I nod my head and she immediately calls Danni, making plans excitedly.

A few hours later, I’m sharing a table at an upscale Asian restaurant with Danni, Autumn, and Skyler and we have just received our cocktails. I’ve noticed Danni and Skyler casting one another furtive looks since we entered the building, and I finally get tired of it.

After taking a long sip of my cosmo I ask, “What’s going on?”

Danni rolls her eyes at me. “I’m just surprised to see you out, that’s all. I haven’t really seen or spoken to you in a month.”

Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. “Don’t exaggerate, Danni. I’ve spoken to you.”

“Short e-mails and texts don’t count,” she replies, “you don’t have any clue as to what’s been going on with me or anyone else because you’ve been so busy with your new friend Jackson. By the way, he’s not much of a friend if he’s still letting you believe that he isn’t going out with other women.”

Her words sting and I turn to Skyler for support. However, the look on her face only reinforces Danni’s hurtful statement.

“He was honest with me; he said that he isn’t ready for a relationship, and that he needs to change himself so he can be good enough for me.”

Danni snaps at me. “Doesn’t that sound a lot like the things that Kellan used to say to you?”

I look at Autumn’s face and see the same disappointed stare that I’m receiving from Danni and Skyler. Our waitress passes by and I grab her, ordering myself a shot of tequila.

During dinner, the three of them try their best to make me feel better about my situation with Jackson, never hesitating to remind me that I deserve better. As we finish our cocktails, Skyler changes the subject.

“You know, you should really go back to Chat Love,” she says.

“No, Skyler, I don’t want to. I am so sick of men and their shit, and I’ve had some of my worst dates with men that I met through that site,” I explain, hoping she’ll drop the subject.

Frustrated, she says, “Lu, you can’t let a few bad dates and a British asshole lead you to give up completely. You have to keep going for your sake, not because of anybody else. I just know that if you don’t, there’s a good chance that you’ll never find someone who can make you truly happy.”

Autumn adds, “Then, you’ll never hear the end of your parents’ whining.”

Danni chimes in, “I’m even on Chat Love.”

Thinking that the alcohol has affected my hearing I ask, “What?”

She laughs. “I said I joined Chat Love.”

“But I thought you said that you don’t want to be in a relationship?” I ask her; I’m curious about why she’s even bothering with the site.

Danni waves her hand in the air. “I didn’t join Chat Love to find a relationship, silly. I joined for the same reasons that Corey and Ian did. It makes it so much easier to find someone to hook up with. Oh, and guess who I’ve been with lately?” she asks. When no one gives her an answer, she answers her own question. “I’ve been sleeping with Ian.”

I choke on my drink when I hear my friend’s name exit her lips. Autumn pats my back, equally as shocked by Danni’s statement. After I catch my breath I ask, “Ian Smuckler, our friend since grade school? The womanizer?
That
Ian?”

“The same; he certainly knows how to please a woman,” she winks.

“You are having sex with Ian?” I repeat, trying to wrap my mind around the idea.

Danni nods and defensively adds, “You would have known that sooner if you had actually been around. I stopped having sex with Chris awhile ago because he was boring me so I joined, met a few guys, and found out that Ian was one of them. We’ve been having fun so far, and I think I’ll keep him around until I get bored again.”

Autumn chimes in, “Oh, and you missed Corey and Sandy.”

My head is beginning to hurt from information overload. I ask, “Sandy? Who’s she?”

Autumn’s eyes light up. “Sandy is Corey’s new girlfriend. They have this thing about getting dirty in public places. It’s been interesting, to say the least.”

I raise my eyebrows in question, curious as to what she means.

She clarifies, “Corey was pretty freaked out when he almost had sex with that minor, so he went through this phase where he wouldn’t go out with a woman unless he’d checked her ID. In the middle of all of that he met Sandy, this little, quiet Japanese woman who is apparently a secret sex freak; she loves to fool around in public places. Of course Corey is in love, since she’s willing to blow him in public restrooms.” Autumn grimaces as I take another large sip of my drink.

Danni nods her agreement. “It’s true; I saw them once.”

Autumn adds in, “We all saw them, for that matter.”

We finish our drinks and pay the bill, but before we all part ways, I pull Skyler into a corner, ready to get some answers.

“How do you know that Jackson is going out with other women?” I ask.

Skyler frowns. “Lu, I was out with Dave one night and we saw him out with some blonde; they were all over one another.” She rubs my back when she sees a tear fall from my eye. “The next day I confronted him about it and he told me he’s just dating to see if he’s really ready for a relationship. I think that’s a load of bullshit, but you’re going to have to decide that for yourself.”

I ask hopefully, “Do you think that he means a relationship with me?”

Skyler shakes her head. “Unfortunately, no. I think he was just saying that to make himself look better.” She grabs my shoulders firmly, looking me square in the eyes. “Lu, you need to move on. You need to go back on Chat Love and give it another chance. There is someone out there for you, I just know it.” She sighs. “Look, I love Jackson, but he is not boyfriend material. He has proven that many times, so you need to start believing it.”

“But I like hanging out with him,” I argue.

“As friends?” she asks. I nod my head. “Absolutely nothing more?” I nod my head again. “So that means that it wouldn’t bother you to see him with someone else?”

Lying to both Skyler and myself, I mumble, “Of course; we are just friends.”

I shut the large wooden door behind me as Jackson looks up from his laptop.

“Hey,” he says, giving me one of his grins. I feel my knees shaking, and I’m nervous.

He gets up from behind his desk and looks at the large, black clock on his wall, “I may be busy, but I can make some time for your lips,” he says, taking several steps in my direction.

I roll my eyes and move past him, taking a seat in the large chair behind his desk.

I hear him clear his throat. “Or we can talk, if that’s what you want.”

I look at all of the framed pictures around his office; they’re all of people with similar facial features. Although I’ve never met them personally, I can tell that Jackson is from a loving family. I’ve been in his office before, but it was always for a quick confirmation or a meeting, and it feels different now that I’m actually looking around. He has a variety of pictures, many with family, but a few of him with people that I assume are his friends.

“I like your pictures,” I say, trying to make small talk.

“Thanks,” he replies. “Somehow, I don’t think you came here to talk about pictures, though. Am I right?”

“You’re right,” I reply, remembering my reasons for coming. “Who should I talk about first?” I ask. “Caitlin? That woman you had dinner with at Carmine’s? Or maybe there are more women you’re spending time with that you’d like to fill me in on? Go ahead.” I fold my arms over my chest and glare at him.

Jackson’s face pales. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

I stand up abruptly and he takes a quick step backward. “Did you really just ask me that question, Jackson?” I hiss. My voice rises as I step closer to him. “What’s wrong is that you tell me one day that you’re too messed up to date anyone, but then I hear about you going out with other women behind my back. You lied to me!”

“I didn’t lie,” he says. “I
am
messed up.”

“You’re damn right you are!” I reply, giving him a deliberate glare.

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Sweetheart, it’s not like you and I are sleeping together; I’m not cheating on you or anything.”

“That’s not the point, Jackson. You told me that you weren’t ready for a commitment, but you have no problem behaving as though you’re my boyfriend while sleeping with a bunch of whores on the side. That’s wrong!”

Jackson pulls away, his expression darkening. “Lucia, you are not my girlfriend, and I told you that. That means that I don’t need your permission to go and sleep with a woman, if I want to; I don’t expect you to ask for my permission to go out with a man.” He runs his hands through his hair. “You’re practically doing the same thing, dating all of these different guys at the same time. It’s not like you’d really want to be with me, anyway.”

I choke out, “You don’t know that!”

He responds, “Lucia, you are enjoying just having fun with me right now, but I doubt if you’d have anything in common with me if we were in a relationship.”

I’m speechless, so I just continue to glare at him.

“The funny part is,” he continues,”I have no way of finding out, because you put up so many walls. Everything is too physical, and everything is forbidden; you won’t really let me know you, and you’re holding back.” He holds the door to his office open for me. “We both need to figure things out separately.”

Not wanting to reveal how upset I am, I slink out of his office with my head down, trying my best to ignore the sting of my shattered pride.

After my heartbreaking discussion with Jackson, I decide to logon to Chat Love and answer a few of the e-mails that I’ve been ignoring. One message from a user calling himself “Yankees Fan” catches my eye. The message is short: