Child of Mercy (23 page)

“You said you wanted to know what I thought about you marrying Parker.”  His brows rose mildly, not overly perturbed by my pronouncement.  “Why call me if you don’t want to hear what I have to say?”

“That was before I told him yes.  It’s too late now.”

“You’re not already married are you?” Adam edged closer, slowly, as if he expected me to bolt like a skittish colt. 

“No…” I took a deep breath, trying to regain control of the conversation.  “Adam, I just got my life back.  You can’t show up whenever you want and expect me to drop everything for you.”  Was that even what he was doing?  Did he really expect me to accept the Ether and nothing more?

“I don’t, but marrying Parker?  Come on, you can’t seriously tell me you’re in love with that…”

“Hey, Parker’s been there for me,” I interrupted, jabbing him in the chest with my finger. “That’s more than I can say for you.” 

“Point taken.”  He rubbed at his pec absently.  “But not because I wanted it that way.”

“Really?  Because it sure seems like you’re the one making that decision each time you leave.  What happened to loving me more than any other man ever?” I didn’t bother to try and hide the hurt accusation in my voice.

“I meant it when I said it.”  His eyes blazed with brilliant, blue fire as Adam took hold of my shoulders.  He would have pulled me closer still, but for my hands pushing at his chest to keep the cushion of space between us.  

“You have a shitty way of showing it.”

“Look, I said I made a mistake, okay?”  He let go of my arms, but not before I noticed how much stronger I was than him with Raziel’s Grace.  “I’m here now, let’s fix this.”

“It doesn’t work like that.  Five months might be a drop in the bucket of time for someone like you, but I’ve lived through it day in and day out.”

“Is that what you think?”  His eyes narrowed to slits.  “That I didn’t feel the same bleeding hole in my heart every day I was away from you?”

I felt myself drawn into his angst, and I gathered my pain around me like a shield.  “Don’t you dare try to make me feel sorry for you when it was you who left in the first place!  And don’t you dare try to make me feel bad for trying to cobble a life for myself with Parker.”  

“That’s my kid, not Parker’s.  He can’t swoop in and play daddy just like that.”  Adam snapped his fingers. 

“You didn’t seem so sure about that when you found out I was pregnant,” I retorted, remembering the pain of that accusation.

“I was upset…”

“That makes two of us.”

“Don’t do this, Mercy.”  His voice was plaintive, and I made a point of avoiding his gaze, keeping my resolve strong. 

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.  You made it perfectly clear you don’t want to be a part of our lives.” 

“Yeah, for your own protection.”

“Then what are you doing here, trying to keep me away from Parker?  Shouldn’t I be with someone who can protect me, ‘cause I obviously can’t rely on you.”  I turned to walk away from him and he grabbed hold of my arm, holding me back.

“Because I happen to love you.”

“Then stop messing with my head!” I shoved against his chest, pushing him against the wall hard enough for the air to rush out of his lungs.  Adam’s arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me with him, and my body pressed against him intimately. 

“Are you saying you don’t love me anymore?”

Oh, I felt something alright…
but it wasn’t enough.  I realized it for the first time, and that alone gave me the strength to pull away from the lure of those lips poised so close to mine.  “It has nothing to do with what I feel for you.  It’s not about what I want or what you want anymore, it’s all about this little one.”  I pushed away from him, hands settling over my abdomen.  “You’re out of the picture, I’ve made my peace with that.” 

Adam looked anything but peaceful with my decision.  “You don’t need him, you’re stronger than that.  I gave you plenty of money…”

“Is that your solution to everything, throw money at it?  I don’t want your stupid money.  And that’s not why I’m marrying Parker either.”

“Why
are
you marrying him?”

“Because I can count on him.”

“Well, cue the violins, that might be the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard,” he deadpanned. 

“That’s what I need in a man right now.  I don’t need money, a fancy house, or sexy bedroom eyes.  I need a man who’ll be there for me when the baby gets sick at two in the morning, and to do the laundry when I’m dead on my feet, or just to smile at me when I’ve had a craptastic day.  I’m tired of being alone.” 

“Then hire a nanny with capped teeth.  That’s not a good reason to marry someone.”

“Maybe I love him.”

“No, you don’t,” Adam snorted, not convinced in the slightest by my reply.

“I could love him if I wanted to,” I insisted.  “He’s good looking and decent and he makes me laugh.”

“So does Sam, it doesn’t mean you should marry him either.”

The mention of Sam brought a whole other rush of frustrations for his boneheaded treatment of Daphne, pretty much killing his point.  “Well, it’s not up to you.  Is that the only reason you came here?  To order me not to marry Parker?”

“I’m not ordering you, I’m pointing out the stupidity of your impending decision.”

“Fine, then I’m pointing out the stupidity of your continued absence.”

“Maybe someday…” A wistful note crept into his voice and I had to force my train of thought not to go there.  Not that I was ready to take him back like nothing happened, but if he’d decide to beg my forgiveness and pledge to be by my side always instead of his stupid Ether idea… 

“I can’t live my life for someday.  If you can’t make a commitment to me and our daughter right now…” 

“It’s a girl?”  He lost his train of thought, eyes landing on my belly again with wonder before he tore his gaze back up to mine.  I saw the answer in his eyes before he said the words.  “You know I can’t.”

“I’m serious Adam.  If you can’t be here for us, then you should just leave and don’t come back.”

Adam looked as though I’d slapped him.  “You don’t mean that.”

“The hell I don’t.  I told you, this isn’t about you and me anymore.  I have to think about our future.  I mean it, Adam.” 

“Mercy…”

I walked to the door, pulling it open expectantly.  “Goodbye, Adam.”

Adam was silent as he crossed the room, until he paused in front of me.  “You know this isn’t over between us.  You still love me.”

“I know I do,” I acknowledged, swallowing past a lump of emotion that made it difficult to speak.  “Part of me will always love you.  But I can’t let you hurt me anymore.  I deserve to be with a man who loves me every day.”

Pain flickered across his features and Adam gave me a last, lingering look.  “I never wanted to hurt you.”

I looked away, not trusting myself to speak because it took everything I had not to pull him into my arms for a kiss goodbye, or to throw all my good intentions aside and take what he offered.  Adam paused, waiting for me to reply, his boots ringing on the cheap linoleum in the hallway once he got the message loud and clear. 

Shutting the door, I sagged against the wall, biting my lips to keep from making any sound as the tears spilled freely down my cheeks. 

It was over, really over.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry for a week, until Bunny kicked me firmly in the ribs and I was reminded my life wasn’t over.  Far from it.  No matter how much it hurt to say those things to Adam, I meant every word of it.  I deserved better, and I would make a better life for my child no matter what. 

Swiping at my cheeks, I made a beeline for the box of tissues on the coffee table, blowing my nose noisily.  “You can come out now, Nelo.  The yelling part is over.”

I knew how much it bothered him when we fought, and it strengthened my feeling that I’d done the right thing.  How much would it bother our child to suffer through arguments over the years?  My psyche still had the battle scars from my screwed up childhood, I couldn’t put my daughter through it if I had a choice in the matter. 

“Master Adam is gone?” Nelo stepped out of the shadow behind the TV, amber eyes looming large in his face.

“Yep, Adam is gone for good.”

“I thought you wanted him to return,” he blinked in confusion.

“I did.”

“But you don’t any longer?”

“It’s… complicated, Nelo.”

“If you say so, Mistress.”

I sat there on the couch, my eyes on the darkness outside the sliding glass door as Nelo puttered around the apartment, leaving me to my thoughts.  Gradually the sky lightened, revealing a gray, drizzly day that matched my mood. 

I kept coming back to the last thing I’d said to Adam.  I deserved to be with a man who loved me every day.  But what about what Parker - didn’t he deserve the same? 

“What am I doing?” I murmured to the empty room, gratified when Nelo’s head poked out of the closet.

“Were you speaking to me, Mistress?”

“Tell me I’m not making a huge mistake in marrying Parker.”

“You are not making a huge mistake in marrying Parker,” he parroted back, and I shot him a look.

“No… don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me what you really think.”

“He loves you very much.” 

“Yeah,” I nodded, laying my head on the arm of the couch, “that’s the problem.”

* * *

Three hours later found me in the exact same position on the couch.  I didn’t feel particularly tired, more numb than anything, really.  It was the baby kicking that got me up and moving around again.  Going through the motions, I took a shower and forced myself to make a bagel.  Once I started eating I quickly became ravenous, polishing off a container of yogurt and a stale oatmeal cookie to boot (don’t judge, oatmeal is a breakfast food). 

A niggling, uneasy feeling plagued me under everything I did and after kicking around the apartment for another restless hour, I knew what I had to do. 

Hardly knowing if he’d be awake so early, I drove to Parker’s house, knocking on the back door once I saw the kitchen light on.  Parker answered the door in a pair of flannel boxers and a t-shirt, his hair still matted from sleep. 

“This is a nice surprise,” he smiled wide, holding the door open for me to enter.  “What brings you over so bright and early?” 

“I can’t do it.  I’m sorry,” I blurted out, pushing past him into the shiny, perfect kitchen. 

“Can’t do what?”

“I thought I could, but it would just be screwing up three lives instead of fixing them.”

“Screwing up whose lives?”  His slack jaw showed he wasn’t tracking my part of the conversation very well and I let out a long breath.

“I can’t marry you, Parker.  You deserve so much more than I have to give.” 

Understanding dawned, and with it came a furrow to his brow.  “That’s for me to decide, isn’t it?  I happen to think I’d be lucky to have you.” 

“No, I can’t let you put your life on hold for me on the off chance I might learn to love you.  We’re setting ourselves up for failure and dragging Bunny into it in the bargain.”

“We talked about this before, Mercy, and you were fine with it.  What’s got you all in a tizzy over it?” 

“Adam came to see me last night,” I admitted, a ribbon of guilt slicing through me even though it wasn’t like I’d done anything wrong.  Parker jumped to his own conclusions though, his face twisting into a scowl. 

“So, that’s what this is about.  He snaps his fingers and you go running back to him.  You could have said so, Merce.  You didn’t have to make out like you’re doing me this big favor because you care about me so much,” he replied bitterly and I laid my hand on his arm, sending him a burst of soothing Grace.

“No, it wasn’t like that.  I told Adam to leave, that I deserved better.”

“You did?” he blinked.  “I don’t get it, then what’s the problem?”

“That’s just it, Parker, don’t you see?  We both deserve better.  We both deserve someone to love who will love us back and be there no matter what.  I know how you feel about me, but what if I never feel the same way?”

“I told you, I’m willing to take whatever you give me.”  He laid his hand over mine, his voice softening.

“What if I can’t live with myself knowing you made that kind of a sacrifice for me?” 

“You can’t live your life based on what ifs, you’ll drive yourself nuts.  There are no guarantees in life, you have to play the cards you’re dealt and make the best of them.  That’s all I want to do, Merce, make the best of both our lives.” 

“What if someday you decide that’s not enough?” I pressed, unwilling to drop it. 

Parker’s head canted to one side.  “You honestly don’t feel anything for me?” 

That wasn’t true.  Part of me definitely felt something when he kissed me.  Part of me could very easily learn to love Parker, but it was a small part for the time being and he deserved a whole woman.  I knew what I had to do or he’d keep nursing the hope that I’d change my mind.  “No, I love you as a friend, nothing more.”

I watched the play of emotions over his face as Parker went through hurt and disappointment to resignation.  “Fine, then stay here with me, as a friend.”

“Move in here with you anyway?”  Was he serious? 

“Yeah, why not?  You still need help with the baby on the way and I’ve got the space all decked out for you.  You already gave your landlord notice on your apartment, right?”

There were so many problems with that suggestion I wasn’t sure where to begin.  “Parker…”

“No, hear me out,” he interrupted, taking my hand in his.  “I know you want to be strong and on your own, and you don’t want to be a burden and all that shit, but I need this too.  Do you think I did all of this for me?”  He gestured to the modern kitchen, a cook’s dream.  “Every time I went to those appointments with you, they talked to me like I was the father, like I was a real part of your life, and I just… I want that.  I want to share this with you, Merce.  I want to be there when she’s born and for her first tooth and her first bike ride.  I want to do all those normal things you do with kids that I missed out on the first time around.  Don’t marry me if you don’t want to, but don’t cut me out of her life too.”