Chocolate Reality (6 page)

“I plan on asking Stacey to marry me tonight. I thought that with all that we have been through, that you deserved to hear it from me first.” There’s my answer.

It hurt. I mask my face so that it doesn’t show. I take a deep breath, and plaster the largest smile I’ve ever had to fake onto my face.

“Congratulations. Wow. I’m … happy for you Jude. That’s great. Stacey seems like a great person, and, well, I’m happy for you.” Call me the queen of fakeness.

“Are you really? I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Part of me feels bad for finally having found someone I love with all my heart, while you are still, well, you’re still here. Waiting.” Jude twiddled his fingers.

Ouch. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut by a sumo wrestler.

“I just wanted, no I needed, well - I’m not sure why I wanted you to know first. I know we once had something special, but I couldn’t stand knowing that I would always take second place in your heart. I finally realized what you meant by not taking second best. We would have been good for each other, but you’re right. We would have been settling.” Jude walked across the length of my kitchen and back again.

Was I supposed to answer? Did he want me to agree with him?

“I don’t feel I’m settling with Stacey. She’s the absolute best. I love her. I hope you can be happy for me?” Jude looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes. I never could refuse him anything when he looked at me that way.

“Of course I’m happy for you. She must be very special to have claimed your heart Jude. I’m happy for you.” Didn’t I just say that? “I’ll admit it’s a hard pill to swallow. You are going to have what I always dreamed of having.”

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. “I think I always thought that once I could let go of the past, once I gave up that dream I have, you would be the one to have me with open arms. I am happy for you. You’re moving on with your life while I’m stuck living in the past.” I replied in honesty as I turned away from him to hide my tears. I might be honest to a fault, but I don’t need to share my one weakness with everyone.

Jude placed his arms around me, giving me a hug. I stiffened up; after all it’s been three years since I was last in this position. But I gradually begin to feel safe and let myself relax a bit as tears continue to run down my face. It feels nice to be in a man’s arms again, even if he isn’t my man.

I take a big breath and gently step away from the embrace. It’s a good thing I did, for at the same time I hear my front door open and close, with Tracey calling out a greeting as she closes the door.

Jude steps away slowly until he’s back leaning against the kitchen counter. I quickly wipe away my tears and try to appear busy while I compose myself. With a quick look to Jude, I call out to Tracey.

“In the kitchen.” Before I can begin to warn her that Jude is here, Tracey calls out while she’s walking.

“Hmmm, something smells good. Please tell me you made the...” She falters as she enters the kitchen. She glanced from me to Jude and back again. “Brownies,” she finishes a bit lamely.

“Hey Tracey. Nice to see you again. I just came by to talk with Wynne. But I’ll scoot now since I know you guys have other plans that don’t include men” greets Jude as he offers a bit of a goofy smile.

“Jude. Hi. You’re definitely the last person I expected to see today. But hey, you’re looking good. So … before you skiddaddle, what did you have to talk to Wynne about that couldn’t wait until your girlfriend was around?” Tracey said. Oh oh, Tracey’s in full-blown mother hen mode. Ruffled feathers and all.

“I ah, er, well, um, I had some news to share with her,” Jude stammered.

“And what type of news would that be? Does it affect her at all? And what type of news would you have to share that Stacey couldn’t be here …” Tracey slowly stopped, cluing into what that news could be.

“Yep, you guessed it Tracey,” I began. I decided to try and rescue the situation a bit here.

“Jude is …”

“I am …”

We both began at the same time, and stopped at the same time.

“It’s your news Jude, you share it,” I offered.

“I am going to ask Stacey to marry me, and I wanted to tell Wynne before she heard it from someone else,” Jude explained to Tracey.

“And I’m so thrilled,” I injected, “that I’m going to throw them an engagement party.” Now where in the world did that come from. Me and my big mouth.

“You are?” both Jude and Tracey said together. And both sounding a little bit shocked.

“I am,” I answered with a ring of finality to it. After all it might be a good decision in the long run. This way none of the busybodies of our town will talk about poor Wynne, the jilted (in their eyes) bride.

“I am. Doesn’t that sound like a splendid idea? After all, I love parties, and I love to throw them. Why shouldn’t I do this? I want to, plus it will stop all the gossip about my supposedly broken heart if I do this.” I said. Okay, so maybe I am beginning to sound a bit desperate with my explanation, but there’s no way I’m going to be talked out of this now.

“Okay,” begins Tracey with a bit of hesitancy in her voice. “Okay, so you, Jude are getting married, and you, Wynne, are throwing an engagement party. All right. It sounds a bit … hmm, weird, but then you both were always a bit weird together, so who am I to argue. Congratulations by the way Jude.” Stacey stops as she begins to walk toward Jude in the kitchen.

“Now, it is girls’ night, Wynne’s famous brownies are done, and the smell is calling to me. I think it’s time you left, and we’ll all deal with,” and she waves her hands around, “whatever just happened here in the morning.”Tracey finished as she begins to scoot Jude out of my kitchen.

While Tracey is gently prodding Jude out of my house, I can’t move from my spot in the kitchen. I think I’m in shock. Did he really just tell me that he’s getting engaged? Did I really just say that I would throw him an engagement party? Is there any possibility that I could be dreaming right now?

I’m still standing in the same spot when Tracey comes back into the kitchen. I lift my head to look her in the eyes. I tear up again, and as she gently enfolds me in her arms, I bawl like a little blubbering baby.

After a few minutes, I compose myself and lift my head. With a smile on my face, I offer the following suggestion.

“Lets eat the brownies, have our drink and enjoy our chick night shall we?”

*****

We made a pact with one another. We’d enjoy our movie and snacks before we got into any of the heavy conversations we both knew would follow. As if we could just not talk about what happened, or the reason why she was not only in the store this morning for a time out, but in addition, here at my house tonight for the same reason.

After refills of our special Pina Colada drink, another plate of brownies and our sanity being satisfied with our chick flick, we both took up opposite sides of the couch and settled in for some interesting girly talk. Up for discussion at this moment was the scene earlier in my kitchen.

“I still say we should have a coin toss for who goes first,” I began. I’m not sure I really want to delve into the why’s of my reactions just yet. I’d rather sink my teeth into what was going on inside Tracey at the moment.

“Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with not talking about Jude. Wynne Taylor, I think what happened tonight is a bit more important than the problems I’m having in my marriage. Those will always be there, so it’s not all that important,” Tracey began to admonish me. I knew deep down that she needed to talk, but maybe she’s not ready yet.

“All right, I’ll be the self-sacrificing friend, and allow you to dissect me and my reactions. For now though. Don’t think you’re getting out of this any time soon missy.” I replied wiggling my finger in front of her face.

“Should I lay down here while you analyze me?” I stuck my tongue out at her.

“Don’t be saucy, or I might just eat up the rest of the brownies. What in all of God’s green earth possessed you to agree to hold his engagement party? ” A tone of incredibility filled her voice.

“He didn’t ask me. I volunteered. And as to why … I’m not sure exactly, but the more I think about the idea, the more I like it. Come on … think about it Tracey. If I do this for them, then no one will be able to look at me with pity in their eyes, or think that I’m just trying to put on a good face rather than show everyone how broken they think my heart truly is. Isn’t that perfect or what?” I explained to her.

“Or what. You need to think about this. You almost married that man. I was there, I saw it all. You were wearing your wedding dress, the music was playing and you were ready to walk down that aisle and become Mrs. Jude Montgomery. Then all of a sudden, poof, there is Jude at the door demanding to speak with you, and he orders all of your good friends including your bewildered parents out of the room so the two of you can talk. Next thing we know, we’re being told the wedding is off, Jude has split for who knows where and you are left sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears.”

Why did she have to mention that? Why bring up the past when all it does it hurt people?

“You expect everyone to be happy and accept it that you are throwing him an engagement party. That’s not going to fly. Everyone is going to think you’re just being the good old Christian martyr that you are and while you have a good face on, you’re crying inside. Come on now girl.” Tracey said.

I tried to look anywhere but her. Okay, okay, so what she had to say did make some sense.

“Oh, all right” I sighed. “But you are one of the few people who actually knows what transpired that day. So you should know that I don’t have any feelings for him anymore.”

“Do I need to call up Heather and get her to come over and talk some sense into you?” Tracey asked. Heather was the only other person who knew the details of that day as well.

“No, you don’t need to throw threats around. Jude came into that room to tell me that he couldn’t settle for being second best. He finally admitted to himself that my heart still belonged to another. I would have walked down that aisle if he didn’t come to the room, you know that Tracey. I think he just finally realized what I could never tell him. I loved him, but not enough. I tried Tracey, I really did. I tried to let go of my first love; I was determined to be happy with Jude. But I had to be honest when he asked me. That was the hardest thing I had ever done … to be completely honest with him. He wanted my whole heart. Since I couldn’t give it to him, I ended up breaking his heart.

“Whatever happened to the happy ever after? I know in my heart that I did the right thing. But I gave up my dreams and desires. So when is it my time Tracey?” I feel big fat tears roll down my face. “When will God fulfill my one desire? Or haven’t I been punished enough for letting the one guy that was meant for me walk away when I was young and foolish?

“What, am I not good enough for God yet? Or does He have some big purpose for me living the single life? Cause if He does, then I wish He would help me to get rid of the dream I have in my heart. Otherwise, it’s not fair” I cried out.

This was the first time I verbally voiced my feelings to someone other than the walls of this room about this.

Deep in my heart I feel not only hurt but also betrayed by God. This isn’t something that I am willing to confess on a regular basis. As a Christian, who can honestly say that God has betrayed them? That just isn’t right. And I know deep down it isn’t true. “My ways are not your ways, nor are my thoughts your thoughts,” the Bible says. I was in love once. I never really fell out of it. I was just too immature to realize what I had. I thought that marriage meant having to sacrifice too much. I was only twenty-three; I believed I had all the time in the world. Plus I thought that if it was real, the love that we shared, then it would always be there. So I tried to test that theory. I was wrong. He walked away, and I let him go.

A few years later I met Jude. He swept me off my feet and made me laugh. He accepted me for who I was and gave me the courage to dare to dream. We dated for a few years before Jude confessed his love to me and asked me to marry him. I thought I had learnt my lesson from last time, and I was determined not to let this dream pass away from me again. Even though there was always something between us, a part of me that I could never give him, he was willing to take me as I was. We had talks about settling for second best – but Jude was adamant that he was willing to take whatever I had to give him. So we planned our wedding. Jude is such a romantic that he wanted to be involved in every minute decision. This wedding was as much created by him as it was by me.

The night before our wedding, Jude came over to my apartment. He found me sobbing into my pillow. That was such a heart breaking night for us. I felt that I was giving up a dream I always kept hidden deep in my heart. I was marrying Jude out of fear – fear that if I didn’t marry him, I would never find love again. Fear that I would lose everything. Jude was so gentle with me, so caring and loving. But I guess it finally dawned on him that what we had wasn’t enough. There was more out there, and we were missing it. When he ended up walking into the chamber in the church where I was waiting, I knew that it was over. He had a desperate glean in his eyes. All he asked of me was to be honest with him. He asked me one question. I think he already knew the answer to that question though, even before he asked it of me.

“Will you ever be able to give me your whole heart?”

That had to have been the hardest question I have ever had to answer. I couldn’t lie to him, he deserved more than that. But I knew my answer would break his heart.