Choices (6 page)

“Wine? Laurel it is one in the afternoon.”

“Like I said, it’s five o’clock somewhere, right”

The kids jumped out of the pool and headed to the cabana house to dry off and have a snack. I moved into the kitchen to locate my bottle of Chardonnay and a couple of glasses.
I usually kept this stash hidden, with the wine glasses, and I never drank in front of Paul at the house.

“Laurel, what’s going on? You seem twitchy. That’s not like you unless you’ve got something big on your mind. Wait a
minute; you won’t even look at me. What gives?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just tense about the sunroom. Jo’s son is really talented from what I hear, so I’m afraid I will really like his plan and not be able to afford it.  A conversation with Paul will ensue
and then an argument because he’ll be a drunken asshole, yada, yada, yada. I’m just not looking forward to it.” Sharon knew too, being neighbors and celebrating birthdays and holidays together, she saw first hand Paul’s performances. I’m so grateful for the friends that I have and putting up with me and my husband’s bullshit.

“So why are you having him come over to look at the sunroom, if you think Paul is not going to agree?”

“Ah-ha, here is the bottle of Chardonnay and the glasses. Do you want one?”

“Sure.”

“The conversation about the sunroom happened so fast. I was scheduling an appointment with him before I even realized what happened.”

“Well, that’s not like you Laurel
. You’re so aware of your surroundings and emotions. You’re always so focused. What distracted you?”

I took a long sip from my glass of wine. I swirled the vanilla butter mint flavored elixir of the gods around in my mouth and pondered how much I should tell Sharon.
Sharon is so perceptive anyway. She’d figure it out soon enough.

“He did.” Whew, there I said it. It was out in the universe now.

“He who?  Wait a minute! You mean Jo’s son?

“
He is what distracted you? Well, he must be impressive for you to be jiggled loose like a bowl of jell-o.” She giggled while she started to gather her pool belongings and Brielle ran into the kitchen screaming about Jake’s latest mishap in the pool house. Thankfully, I didn’t need to go into any further details with Sharon about my ridiculous obsession. She needed to get back to Maggie Mae. Hearing Sharon’s giggle made me realize just how immature and absurd this whole foolish fantasy was becoming. Honestly, I am a grown woman with children.

It was that quiet time in the afternoon, when it was too hot to be outside and the kids needed some toe up time away from each other. We always referred to our own quiet time as toes up from the floor time. This was the time when the running and screaming came to a screeching halt and you needed to rest either in your room on your bed or the couch with a book or quiet activity or watch a movie. Ah, a few hours of peace. It still worked even though they were a little older now. I decide to take advantage of this time to sit outside and enjoy my beautiful back yard despite the heat. Even though the intensity of the sun drove my little people inside for some much needed rest, I chose to languish on a chaise in the shade by the pool where it was cooler due to the light breeze that blew across the water. I sipped rather gulped my glass of wine and stewed some more about my feelings. I decided to go inside after a few minutes and grab my journal. My journal has been my lifesaver over the years. It’s helped me through many a rough time, helping me to sort and process and embrace my feelings.

Laure
l’s Journal

If I was truly happy in my current marital state would I be obsessing over someone so completely unattainable or is it the fact that he is so incomprehensibly unattainable that makes the situation so attractive.
Am I truly happy with the way my life is progressing? Is this what I really wanted for myself? I honestly feel like a single mom with the bonus of an added paycheck which, in reality, is not that loathsome. No, it’s not loathsome, just incredibly and painfully lonely.
I’m drowning anymore. We have a common ground with the children but even that seems to have changed as well. All he wants to do is drink and when he’s not drinking he’s working and when he wants to take the kids somewhere, I’m a nervous wreck. Somehow, we aren’t growing together but instead apart and the traveling along with the drinking doesn’t help our situation either. Life was different when we were younger and childless, even though there were cracks in the foundation, we still were able to communicate and I thought the drinking would subside once the kids came and he would settle a little more. Unfortunately, the drinking intensified when Vanessa was born. I thought he was cheating he was out so much, I don’t know, maybe he was on his trips for work, drinking and whoring. Am I being selfish for thinking about how hard this relationship is for me? He obviously has an addiction that needs to be addressed but I have needs too. I want a husband and a partner who’s willing and able to roll up his sleeves and get dirty with me. I stay because of my vows, I stay because of the kids but I’m leaving mentally and contemplating physically too, now. It’s just getting so hard. I don’t think I can hold on anymore. I’ve been so loyal, constantly trying to talk to him and get him to see the damage he’s doing to himself, to us, to the kids. It’s hard to be intimate. I do it because I think of the times when we were in college and when we first got married but our love life shouldn’t revolve around old memories. I should want to feel connected to him on every level, even now, after sixteen years of marriage. We should be stronger, not weaker, not separated, not lonely. Am I being greedy for wanting those feelings fulfilled? Should I be responsible for filling those feelings myself instead of expecting them to come from someone else? Is there something wrong with me for wanting someone who is emotionally available?  Is feeling loved and cherished only reserved for my beloved three children? Am I allowed to experience those feelings as well at the age of forty or am I being immature and unrealistic? Is it wrong to want more from and for your life?

Our Wednesday date was fast approaching.  Thankfully, Kristy had offered to take the kids for the afternoon so I can concentrate. Ha!! That’s funny. I can’t manage a complete thought to
myself
when I am in the company of this boy; I can just imagine how stupid I will be when I actually have to make an audible conversation. I was never that articulate with the opposite sex. It was easy to talk to Paul because he was a man of very few words. I never thought that what I had to say was of any value really.  I’m outgoing and personable. I am determined and I like a challenge, but speaking to the opposite sex always intimidated me, especially the type of opposite sex that took your breath away and made your mouth dry and clouded up your mind. I never really had any practice with that situation. Oh boy, this meeting was going to be interesting to say the least. I’ll be so embarrassed and lustful I will probably turn purple and then spontaneously combust and Brandon will either be flattered or flat out disgusted with this desperate middle aged woman who was old enough to be his mother, not to mention know his mother.

“C’mon Mom, Aunt Kristy is waiting and it’s getting hot already. We want to go swimming and see Baby Jack,” screamed Brielle from the backseat of the minivan. I gathered up the rest of the pool gear and piled the remaining two children into the van. It was going to be a hot day.
GREAT! I thought,
although the heat does have a few advantages. The weather can come to my rescue once again. Any flashes of lust can be misconstrued as heat stroke. Yeah! There is one event in my favor.

Kristy was quite giddy when we pulled up into her driveway. She beamed as she held baby Jack and the others gathered around her. Kristy was actually excited for me to spend some time with “The Hottie” as she liked to call him. If Kristy only knew how I was really feeling. She thought of it as an innocent afternoon getting my sunroom refurbished by an inexplicably good looking young man. I, however, had thoughts that would make Jackie Collins blush.

“So, are you ready? Are you excited?” She gushed as my little people swarmed around her like bees to honey. She graciously greeted everyone hello as only my friend Kristy could do, making everyone feel loved and comfortable and wanted.

“Excited? What should I be excited about?” I asked while my mind tried to refocus.

“You are getting ideas for a room in your house that has plagued you since you’ve moved in. Gee, I dunno, I think that would excite me.”

“Oh, right, the sunroom. Yeah, I’m excited. It should be interesting.” Kristy was loving and incredibly compassionate, intuitive and observant, not so much. That’s why I asked Kristy to take my little people. It would have been much easier to walk them across the street to Sharon’s but, she is too insightful and I am so transparent.

“Well, you take your time with “The Hottie” and when he leaves go run some errands or go for a swim and relax. The kids are fine.”
Hmmm…do you think I could get him to go for a swim with me, maybe I could ask….
She smiled pleasantly and kissed me goodbye. Only Kristy would be comfortable with eight kids for the afternoon. My girls will be a huge help for her. She will have them doing all kinds of chores and they will gladly do them for her, unlike doing them for Mom. They’ll have lunch, do crafts, swim, help with all the little people under the age of five. Vanessa and Brielle were at such a great age to be a huge help for a Mom with an infant.

Of course I tormented myself the whole way home. I reminded myself once again that I am old enough to be his mother and that I know his mother. I am a grown, married woman with three children.
Why the hell would he be interested in me?
There is nothing remotely attractive about me that would interest a twenty two year old, so get over yourself. What about that jolt of electricity when our hands touched. Doesn’t that count for something? NO! You were probably the only one who felt that surge. Is it possible that only one person would feel that much power? Yes, Laurel, only you in your harebrained attempt to recapture some long ago faded passion and excitement that’s not required in a mature relationship. Remember that you are a mature adult woman who is having absurd fantasies about a young boy. Please focus on the project at hand...the sunroom and not how getting your hands lost in his glorious hair would feel. Remember how he looked when you left. Please, Laurel just stop! And if you wander through one more Victoria’s Secret catalogue, I’m throwing them into the backyard campfire.
Yet, there was that infinitesimal voice that screamed
What if…..

I made one last check around the house to free it of smudges, dog hair, lollipop wrappers, dirty underwear and anything else a household of three children could hold in store for an unsuspecting visitor. I paced and paced some more. I fidgeted with the throw blankets and the curtains, I moved chairs and tables, I realized how ridiculous I was being and settled into my favorite lounge chair in the backyard. It was warm but still early enough in the afternoon to avoid the humidity that was sure to follow later. I could hear Sharon and her children getting ready for their afternoon at the pool.  I wondered how my little people were doing with Kristy and knew they were just fine. My mind wandered back to the first time I met Brandon. I remembered how beautiful he was and the tingling I experienced everywhere in my body. I was beginning to get lost in the memory of his scent and the way his clothes clung to his body. My imagination was beginning to color my little moment with some extraordinarily vivid colors. I haven’t daydreamed about a boy since I was probably twenty two years old myself and that was most likely Paul. Well, that thought jolted me right back to the present.
Exactly Laurel, you are too old to be doing this. How about you focus on your plans for the sunroom?

At that moment I heard an unfamiliar car in the driveway. Obviously that was him. I stood up and smoothed out my rumpled clothes and wiped the back of my hand across my forehead. It was beginning to get warmer. Thank goodness. I took a deep breathe to calm my jangled nerves and reminded myself that this was and is a business meeting to satisfy both parties involved.
Act your age Laurel and not your shoe size, please. Stay focused!
   I forced my legs to not wobble and walked unsteadily at first to the back door where he would most likely knock. I caught a glimpse of his truck first. Wow, I was surprised to see he was driving a red F150 pick up. I never imagined him to be driving a truck. I pictured him to drive something more stately and foreign. Then, I took in a good long look at that gorgeous head of hair. His hair glistened even more in the afternoon sunlight. I quickly drew in a breathe of much needed oxygen, not only to steady myself but, also from the pure shock of his magnificent hair. I haven’t seen hair on a boy like that I think …nearly ever. As I walked further, I saw he had on an identical pair of low slung jeans that he had worn at the party that did wonders for his long, lean legs and narrow hips. He wore a white t-shirt and navy blue flip flops. Did I mention before that even his feet were beautiful? I had to take a deep breathe again when I saw that white t-shirt glorify his tan. Hmm…he really was beautiful. He will make some girl very lucky someday and happy I’m sure.

“Hi Laurel,” He outstretched his sinewy arm and grasped my extended hand delicately. There it was again! A pure and unadulterated electrical spark and now that I could focus a little better than I could the first time,
and look into his crystal blue eyes, I knew it was completely all mine to own.