Choices (17 page)

TWENTY-THREE

Paxton walked into the hospital and headed to the locker room where she was supposed to meet Jonathan. He walked her into the locker room where he showed her to her old locker there by Steve’s. She put on her white lab coat and noticed that it was a little big on her. She managed to keep some weight off that she lost in the institution. She put on a smile and met Jonathan out in the hallway where he started to take her through the required orientation. He told her of policies and emergency procedures. She got her new badge picture taken and updated ID to wear around the hospital. Jonathan then explained to her that it would be a few weeks before they would let her in the practice labs. She would be doing rounds, helping Steve with Post-Ops, doing triage in the ER when it was busy. He dropped her off in Steve’s office.

“He should be here momentarily. I’m glad to have you back Dr. Andrews,” Jonathan winked. She smiled as he left.

She looked around the room. She was now nervous that she was back in the saddle as they sad. “Baby steps,” she quietly said. Steve came waltzing in.

“Good morning!” He was awfully cheerful.

“Morning!”

“So, want to go roam and check on patients with me?”

“Well, you are kinda stuck with me, so let’s go.”

They both walked out of the office and walked by the office next to his. “I hear that this will be your office,” he leaned over and said quietly. Paxton smiled. She was really coming back to this crazy world.

Walking the hallways seemed surreal, seeing the patients, reading charts, everything was surreal. Paxton felt like she was dreaming and at any moment she would wake up from it. Paxton took in the hospital smells and sounds that surrounded her. It was a comforting. She knew it sounded crazy, but it was like the smell and sounds of a garage for some people, the smell of a new book for avid readers, the smell of fresh air and the quiet for country folks that just got back from the city. It was home.

Paxton took a couple charts for Steve’s patients and went with him to examine. She felt more like a secretary today than a doctor but she was grateful to be eased back in. Some of Steve’s patients would probably be transferred to her soon enough anyways. She noticed that he definitely kept his plate full and piled high. With the hospital being short one surgeon, no doubt everyone’s plates were full. Paxton felt a little guilty in that moment. She must have caused a lot of stress on her colleagues.

“Hey where’s your head at?” Steve asked.

“Hmm? Oh sorry. I was just thinking how busy everyone must have been since I had my breakdown.”

“That’s the past. Let it go. Get your head in the game.” Steve gave her a serious look. Paxton nodded and they headed into another patient’s room.

They checked on all his patient’s before his first scheduled surgery. She stood behind him observing. It was great scrubbing in again. She
forgot how soothing it was to her nerves. How much it helped her focus on things. She watched as he continued working on the liver of a patient. Later he was going in to remove a dead area of the intestines on one of his patients. She wanted to watch as she never done that type of surgery before. It was simple and straightforward but it just never came across her desk.

The rest of the day she spent shadowing him and offering opinions when he asked. She felt like she was an intern again. Paxton knew it would only be a couple weeks or so before she could get her hands dirty so to speak. She also knew that once these days passed, there would be times when she longed for them again. So she would keep her mouth shut and do what was asked of her.

When she got home, Ryan pulled in right behind her. Link bounded out of his car and headed towards her. She smiled even though she was in no mood for chit-chat. “Hey you,” she said towards Ryan. She squatted down and gave some love to Link. He pranced about before heading over to the tree line to do his business.

“How was your day?”

“Good, I’m exhausted. I forgot what it was like to be on my feet all day, no office work.”

“That’s good. Listen, I won’t keep you. I was just going to tuck him in his crate. Want to have dinner this weekend? I talked to your Mom about it. She was thinking maybe Saturday night?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Oh and I don’t go in until nine tomorrow. I will drop off Link at the gallery.”

“Sounds good. Now go get rest, doctor’s orders,” he joked.

“Yeah, I would think the real doctor here will agree,” she laughed.

“See ya,” he turned and got back in his car.

She called for Link and they went inside. Her phone beeped.

Duke: Hope you had a good first day.

Paxton: Thanks, I did. Great to be back.

Duke: I know Ella would be happy for you too.

Paxton: Wanna go out on Sat? I have Sun/Mon off.

Duke: Sure, see you then.

Paxton: K :)

Paxton smiled down at her phone. Maybe Duke had worked whatever his problem was out. That seemed like a normal conversation between them. She threw her phone on the bed and continued to the bathroom. She was ready for a hot shower. The steam would help relax her tired muscles. She then figured she would climb into bed with her new book Susie got her. She needed some good romance in her life.  Duke was still distant but at least they were talking. Jack on the other hand, remained silent. Almost a complete month of silence.

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped her towel around her. She wrapped her hair in its own towel and padded over to the bed. Link could now roam free at night in her bedroom.  She laid down and grabbed her phone. She noticed it was getting low on battery and plugged it in. She set it on the end table and stared at it some more. She wanted to talk to Jack. She suddenly wanted to see if he would respond or if he was really done with her. She wanted to talk to him about her first day back at the hospital. She picked up her phone to text him hoping she would get a response. She hoped that Jack wasn’t done with her although he had every right to be at the moment. She wouldn’t know until she talked to him. She was being juvenile since the morning she snuck out of his bed.

Paxton: Hi

She waited for a response. She looked at her clock and it would be about nine-thirty in New York. He should be up.

Paxton: I’m sorry

She waited again. Surely he would respond. She waited and watch five minutes tick by. No response.

“Guess I deserve that one Jack.” She set her phone back on the end table and grabbed her book.

Paxton must have fallen asleep reading as her phone startled her. It was her alarm. Morning seemed to have come quickly. She didn’t feel rested at all and she knew it would be a trying day at the hospital. She shut off the alarm and checked her messages. Nothing came in. Only an email about the daily deal on kindle. Paxton felt slightly disappointed. She looked over and saw that Link was sitting there waiting. She groaned a little, stretched her tight muscles and let out a yawn. She would definitely need coffee.

She went about her morning routine and headed out to the gallery to drop off Link. She said a quick hello to Ryan and Madeline. Link sat beside Madeline. Paxton offered to take him up to her old office but Ryan said he would let Link sit with Madeline as long as he behaved. He apparently did well with it yesterday, he was like another greeter/receptionist for the gallery. Paxton then said her goodbyes and head towards the hospital.

Paxton arrived at the hospital and headed towards her office on the surgical floor. She wasn’t paying attention when she ran into Jonathan. She apologized for her absent-mindedness and he stated that she could start moving things into her new office by Steve’s. They finished it late last night and her furniture for it came in this morning. She thanked him and walked towards her office. She wasn’t sure what she thought about having her office back at the hospital. Technically when she left, her new office was Steve’s old office. Either way, it was hers now and she would need to bring her things in. She felt like she was officially back at the hospital now. Her life was falling back into place.

“Hey you. Look at your fancy-schmancy office,” Steve broke into her thoughts.

“Yeah, I just have to decorate now. It’s not the same as my old one but this one will work,” Paxton winked at him. Steve laughed. It was like old times again. It really was except she was just missing Jack. She glanced at her phone. Still no response from him. She needed to stop thinking about it. “Ready? The sooner we start, the sooner this day will be over.”

“Already tired of the job?” He nudged her arm as she passed him heading out of the office.

“No, I just don’t like being idle in a hospital full of sick people. We have lives to save! Let’s go save them,” she smiled and held her imaginary sword in the air.

“Let’s go then,” he laughed. “Some things never change. You are still gung-ho about everything. Right down to your impeccably strong sword you carry around.”

“This is me, getting back to me and it feels great,” she smiled. She really did feel great. Her personal love-life could wait. She will deal with Jack when she could. At least Duke was talking to her. It was a small step but maybe Jack moved on and that would allow her to do just the same. New York was probably a mistake, even though it didn’t feel like it.

TWENTY-FOUR

Paxton awoke to the sounds of rain. The winter so far had been mild but there was a chill in the air. Maybe today they would actually get snow. She was thankful she got this weekend off, as she laid there in the bed not wanting to move. Jonathan knew it would be hard being at the hospital today. Today, Ella has been gone for two years. Paxton was not going to dwell on the surgery and the what-ifs today, she told herself. Today would be about celebrating Ella. Paxton had to keep it together but truthfully, her heart was aching for her best friend. Her heart was breaking for the little one that never took his first breath. It was also breaking because she knew Duke wasn’t grieving everyone he lost that day.

She looked over at the furry, sleeping form next to her. She didn’t want to move and actually get the day started. The rain seemed to make her lazy like every other human being on the planet. She just wanted to stay in bed and sleep although currently sleep was eluding her. Paxton hoped the sounds of the rain would lull her back to sleep, but that was not the case. After about another ten minutes or so, she was getting up to use the restroom and shower for the day. Link stayed lazily in bed until she was done. After she got dressed, he jumped off the bed, stretched and was ready to begin his day as well.

Paxton headed down and fixed her latest favorite breakfast, a ham and cheese omelet and a few small blueberry pancakes. She poured herself a glass of milk and even threw some plain pancakes in Link’s bowl. She knew some people were against feeding their dog table scraps but she would
hate to eat the same boring thing every day. She sat at the table while Link happily ate from his dish. She was thankful he hadn’t picked up begging yet, he ate when she ate. A knock on the door, brought both Link and herself out of their quiet reverie.

She walked towards the door, unsure of who it would be. She opened it to find her mother, “Hey Mom, come in. Get out of the rain.”

“Thank you dear.”

“I was just eating breakfast, what’s going on?”

“Nothing. I just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to be by myself today. I thought maybe you would be up.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Paxton was thankful that she and her mother were working out their issues. They seemed to be getting back to where they used to be before Ella’s passing. Her mother showing up here today, showed Paxton that she was trying and they had to be in a better place now if they were wanting to see each other on this solemn day. She led Jenny into the kitchen. Her mother poured a cup of coffee and joined Paxton while she finished eating.

“Here, let me clean the dishes,” Jenny offered.

“No, Mom. You didn’t even eat besides it’s not much.”

“Paxton Avery, you hand me that plate right now.” Paxton flinched. She hated when her mother treated her like a child and used that tone. She reluctantly handed over her plate.

“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate it.”

Her mother set away to do the small amount of dishes she made while cooking breakfast. Paxton took Link outside to do his business and sat on the porch. Although it was raining, it was nice sitting out there getting fresh air. Her mother joined her outside, handing Paxton a cup of tea. She sat her coffee down and sat down in the other rocking chair, covering herself with a blanket.

“So how is work going?”

“Good. It’s great being back at the hospital. A lot of the staff has changed but some of the nurses and surgeons I worked with are still there.”

“When do you start surgeries again?”

“Soon, I hope. I am kinda nervous about getting back into it.”

“You’ll be great. You’re my shining star and I am so proud of you,” Jenny smiled. Paxton returned her smile.

They fell into silence and watched Link run around under the canopies of the trees. He was undoubtedly getting soaked but he was having a good time. The rain started turning into sleet. Link came bounding up to the porch and sat between Paxton and Jenny. Paxton looked down at him and shook her head.

She took another drink of her tea. It was nice being able to sit with her mother. She wished she could open up about Jack and Duke to her. Maybe her mother could give her some advice but Paxton knew it was still a semi-sore subject. Her mother could only talk about it in sessions. Times like this when they were visiting each other was a different story. Paxton didn’t want to upset the balance.

“I was thinking maybe we could go see Ella together today before we go to dinner with Ryan,” her mother stared out into the woods a moment longer before looking over at Paxton.

“Yeah that would be great. I think that it would be good for us to go together. We haven’t gone together since the day we buried her.”

“Yes, it would be good.” Her mother stopped and stared again out in the woods. Paxton had the feeling that she wanted to say something else but she couldn’t phrase it.

“Something wrong Mom?” Paxton finally asked.

Jenny smiled at her, “No, I am here with you now and that’s all that matters.”

Paxton sat back in her chair and rocked a bit. She sipped on her tea. There was something in her mother’s eyes, saying there was more she was wanting to say but chose to keep quiet for a bit longer.

“I’m sorry,” Jenny said after a few moments.

Paxton turned to face her mother, “For what?”

“Being a bad mother. It wasn’t fair for me to lash out at you after Ella passed. It wasn’t right for me to put her before you and let my grief put a wedge between us.”

“It’s okay, Mom. You’re here now-”

“No, Paxton! It’s not okay. You are my daughter and I should have been there.”

Paxton hadn’t seen her mother so animated in years. Not since before Ella. Yet here she was apologizing for her behavior.

“I should have never let you check into that institution. I should have let you stay with me. I should have taken care of you, helped you, and helped Duke. I took her death harder because I felt like I was losing the legacy of Susan and Greg. I failed them. I blamed you for that. I am so sorry Pax, so sorry.”

It was the apology Paxton had been waiting for. Paxton looked down. She wasn’t sure what to say. It was plain to see that her mother was feeling guilty about it. She was making amends.

“I love you, Mom.” She stood and bent over to give her mother a
hug. Paxton knew this was really a new beginning for them.

***

Duke stopped by to visit Ella. There wasn’t anyone else there but a couple cars. When he got closer, he noticed that one of the cars was Paxton’s. He turned around. He didn’t want to see her right now. Today was about Ella, only Ella. He didn’t want to start any drama. He hadn’t talked to Paxton since her first day back at the hospital. Before then it was sparse.

He decided to park down the street at a gas station she would have to pass when she left. He just wanted to see his late wife alone. It was two years ago he lost her. He couldn’t believe that it’s been two years already. He went back to the last few days they were together. They were happy, in love. Her laugh resonated through his mind.

He shut his eyes and the memory of Ella danced in his head. She laughed and flung around her shoulder out of her face as she turned to face him. He was chasing her on the beaches of Texas. It wasn’t the ocean but she was so excited to see all the open water. Her laugh was his favorite sound in the world. Duke remembered throwing her in the ocean. The good times they had with the friends they were visiting. She took so many pictures, he couldn’t bring himself to pull them up on the computer. She wanted to go vintage and use an old digital camera that used floppy disks. You couldn’t really see the images on the screen she had because she cracked it when they moved into the house.

Duke remembered them laying on the beach the last couple of days. They wanted to soak up the sun. He had to admit that he stared at her most of the time. She was really happy. He tossed around the idea of moving closer to the coast but he knew she wouldn’t go without Paxton. They were a package deal. He and Jack started figuring that out about a year after Jack and Paxton started dating. Duke hoped that when they got together, Ella would detach a little, but of course that didn’t happen. He would have loved to see her as happy as she was on that beach when they went back home, not that she wasn’t happy already. She was just so free-spirited there. She opened up even more, if that was even a possibility.
Her smile was so sweet. He just wanted to reach out and touch her one last time, as the memories floated through his mind.

A tap on his window startled him. He looked over to see Paxton standing outside his door. He rolled down the window.

“Hey, what are you doing? You okay?” she asked. There was a look of concern on her face as he stayed silent. “Umm, hello are you going to talk to me?”

“I’m fine, I was heading over to see Ella,” he finally said. He just wanted to be alone.

“Want me to go with you?”

“No,” he snapped. He didn’t mean to. He just wanted to be alone right now.

“Okay,” he heard the hurt in her voice. “Call me later?”

“Sure.”

Duke watched her turn and head back to her car. She turned to look back at him, the concern on her face made him look away. He didn’t mean to be an ass to her but today was hard. Today, memories danced in his mind and he didn’t shut them off. He allowed himself to think about the what-ifs. Some of those now included Paxton and his future with her, if there was even one to be made. When she pulled away, he started heading towards the cemetery. It was time to go visit Ella.

Walking up to grave, he remembered one of the last moments with Ella. She was so scared. He went to reach over to her but all he heard were the tires squealing. He was pulled away from her as they were hit by another car, flying through the air right before he lost consciousness, he remembered seeing Ella hit the semi. He felt a tear slip as he reached Ella
’s graveside. He couldn’t reach her then and he couldn’t now. He placed his flowers in the vase. They combined with the ones Jenny and Paxton left. Her bouquet was beautiful.

“Ellie-bear,” he smiled. He let his silent conversation continue in
the sleet that picked up again. He knew the roses wouldn’t last long so he would need to come back when the weather was nice to replace them.

He stayed until his fingers started to freeze. He wanted to stay longer, but there was no point in freezing to death. Then again, maybe he could see Ella again that way. As much as he entertained the idea, he knew it wasn’t his time to go. He smiled down at her stone, “I love you. I’ll see you later, Ellie-bear.”

Duke headed back to his car. The sleet was piling up on his windshield. He opened his door and turned on his truck. The heater came to life and he grabbed his ice scraper. He cleared the sleet with the brush on his scraper. It didn’t take him long as his windshield wasn’t cold enough to freeze it. As he climbed into his truck, he blew into his hands trying to warm them up. The heater felt nice. He looked over where Ella laid, he sent his love to her once more before he left.