Cinderella Has Cellulite (2 page)

O
kay, Lover Girl. Your New Man has you startled, staggered, and swept off your feet! The store clerk caught you scooping up beauty tips and slipping
Cosmo
magazines under the milk and potatoes in your grocery cart. You are busy checking in at yoga studios to tighten your arm muscles and buttocks and announcing, “He may be The One” to anyone who will listen.

Lingering over martinis with one of your girlfriends, you can hardly breathe as she asks, “You have a New Man?”

Before you begin giddily describing your new Sweetheart, you secretly wonder what her reaction will be.
Will she be delighted for me? Or search my purse during a bathroom break, steal his Facebook address and “friend” him, offering to meet him for coffee when it’s convenient?

But the news is so good you don’t care. This cannot wait. Besides, you have no reason to suspect treachery. None of your past losers have even merited a yawn from her, and you are so tired of her pity. Wait ’til she hears
this
!

“Well, tell me,” she coos, expecting another of your boring tales about the latest dud. You smugly smile and confess that there is so much to say you don’t know where to start! But both of you know you’ll try. Sex is first. You practically choke on your giggle. “He is so sexy—Angelina would leave Brad.”

Meanwhile, she is frantically wondering if she can find your college roommate’s number on her cell phone, who is today one of her trusted therapists. You can hear it now, “Hilda? I’m here with our Mouse and she’s delusional. I think she needs your evaluation.”

Satisfied with the impact of your sexual analogy, you go on. “And He is sooooo funny. I turn off Jimmy Kimmel just to listen to his diatribes.”

Your friend shares a weak giggle, not giving up on scheduling your upcoming $200 per hour visit with Dr. Help. Like the song says, she thinks you’ve been lonely too long!

“And smart,” you continue. “This guy could upstage Bill Gates. He could have founded Microsoft, but it was not his cup of tea. Instead, He perfected his pecs and challenged Andrew Agassi at the Four Seasons bar.

At this, you say with a lovesick sigh, “I can’t wait to see him in his tennis whites!”

Your girlfriend’s suspicion is growing and she’s thinking,
I doubt I’ll want anything to do with the loser
. That does it. With a disgusted huff, she slips off to the bathroom, ready to speed dial emergency services and report a lovesick sex kitten on the loose.

You clench your handbag and get ready to leave upon her return. You can discern her fake smile—she is eaten up with jealousy!
She will be the last one to meet my Man
, you tell yourself on the way home. He must be firmly in your loving arms before she attempts to pull him into her overly enhanced bazookas. No one will come between you and Sir Galahad!

S
tatistics never lie. Money is likely one of the reasons you are now positioned to assume the Last Wife’s place. Doesn’t the Bible tell us, “The love of money is the root of all evil”? You are about to find out! During your necking sessions with your new Rock, your Savior, and the Man of your Dreams (who was the man of
Her
dreams, and maybe a few before Her) He vows to you, and you to Him, “Money will
never
be an issue for us!”

When you exchange these words, be aware of your body at that point. The tightness in your jaw is not because of the TMJ you developed during your last life as a Last Wife (or potential Last Wife). That locked jaw is your brain telling you that you only wish it were so! This could be where you fall for your first big lie. Rest assured, Dreamboat is not oblivious to the almighty dollar! Whether you assumed your Last Wife position by death or divorce, you can be certain that money will be an issue.

Unless you discovered your Saint locked in a Tibetan monastery, you can bet He has money issues. If there’s a lot of money to fret over, rest assured his concerns are not his alone. Whether He has secretly stashed stacks of greenbacks in a posh Switzerland account, or the non-descript vehicle circling his street turns out to be the private investigator employed by the last, Last Wife trying to nail him for past-due child support for his Precious Ones, He has money issues!