Cinderella Has Cellulite (13 page)

You hurriedly leave the size-six rack and throw up in the store bathroom. The “perfect brownie” is now lodged in your throat—or is that your psyche?

“B
ut didn’t Cinderella actually get her Prince Charming in the end?” you ask. Yes, but her glass slippers were cutting into her big toe after her stepmother and stepsisters nearly finished her off, innocently calling it just a healthy bleed.

What they don’t tell you when you’re a little girl about your fairytale romance is that Cinderella leaves the ball, glass slipper in shards! As the Last Wife . . . second, third, fourth, temporary, or permanent . . . you think you know your number, but believe me your status can change overnight.

Although you got to go to the ball and even danced with his former brother-in-law, who is still his best friend and bar buddy, beware. Prince Charming can turn into Don Juan while shopping for your first Valentine bouquet.

One sure sign is if the pricey roses wrapped in swaddling cloth that He used to lay at Cinderella’s feet when you were dating have now turned into carnations inside a made-in-China Kroger discount special. Your 18-carat gold bobble is tarnishing quickly if He doesn’t bother to remove the faded markdown tag blaring, “Goodbye Cinderella.”

Is He already beginning his thrift plan, saving his dollars for the Next Last Wife? While you are pondering your disappointment with your spindly funeral corsage, keep in mind it could be the precursor to your fall from his grace.

His master plan may involve saving his money for the next big purchase—another bobble, but not for you. Watch out if at Christmas He craftily suggests to you, “Please don’t get me anything. In fact, I think we should not buy each other gifts. We already know how much we love each other, and, gosh, there is nothing we need. Don’t you agree?”

In reply, just give him the same amount of tooth in the same fake grin you received from your precious stepchild’s Best Friend as she reminded you of your back fat. This is a bad day in the life of Cinderella!

O
MG! This is dangerous terrain! A brother-in-law can be your ally, especially if you have a good bum he can lightly pinch when his wife or your Beloved is not near. Be assured, he secretly believes he is the one you really dream of every night.

A dimly lit family dinner with him is always a trip down memory lane. He boasts of his high school athleticism and his cheerleader conquests, all the time wondering how he can scoot his chair close enough to rub your thigh. His wife is disgusted the entire time, rolling her eyes and ignoring his obvious hyperbole. She is too busy being consumed with private thoughts about how she ended up with this fool. To distract herself, she occasionally envisions the raunchy sexcapades you must be having with her brother.

Never forget, testosterone from the same bloodline can be competitive. Your new almost-brother might be peeved if you still look voluptuous while his ball and chain’s boobs sag like two bags of wet concrete. It is critical that you stay on the other side of the room at family events. Just breeze by him with a slight nod as he assumes his usual place at the head of the buffet line.

Some of these types will volunteer to commandeer the bar. Better to skip the libations or risk lewd comments about your new sex life. This man is a dreamer, mostly of you and his brother. Whether his rotund torso greets you as he is pulling up his belt (which has now sunk to knee length), or his breath reeks like your neighbor’s St. Bernard whenever he licks your cheek in a side kiss, he knows he is the real hunk around here. Is that green around his jowls the same sign of envy he suffered when your Stud made the football team and he was only invited to play afterschool badminton?

On rare occasions, your new brother-in-law can become the strongest member of your Last Wife support group. He has the potential to fully understand the contents of your new family’s dysfunction. If this is the case, lean on him only in the direst situations, as he is likely already exhausted by the unseemly brew. He may even deserve some genuine compliments if he cleared the way for you like Paul Bunyan. If that is the case, invite him to dinner often and go out of your way to have him around during Thanksgiving. Your heart rate will slow when he puts the wayward nephew in his rightful place.