Claire (Hart University Book 2) (4 page)

But tonight wasn’t going to end that way. Because Andre was right—if something happened between me and Claire right now, I’d only be her rebound.

We spoke at the same time.

“Okay, so—”

“Ted is really—”

We both stopped. Then I asked: “Ted is really what?”

Claire put her arms around her waist and started to walk, slowly, around my room.

“Neat. Like, OCD neat. It drives me crazy.”

This was the other thing Andre had warned me about. Claire obviously wanted to talk about Ted. But if I let myself get sucked into that, wouldn’t it be a deep dive into the friendzone?

I backed up and put my hand on the doorknob. “I should go back downstairs,” I said. “I’m supposed to be cohosting this thing, right? And you should try to get some sleep.”

Claire sat down on the edge of my bed. The mattress barely gave at all, even though it squeaked and groaned every time I sat on it.

“Okay.”

That was all she said. But her blue eyes turned bright, and then she blinked hard and looked down at her feet.

It felt like someone reached into my chest and yanked out my heart.

It was one of those deals where time seems to slow, giving you a chance to make an important decision.

For some reason I thought of my mom and stepdad. And once I did that, it was over.

Sometimes it sucks to have the two most decent, unselfish people in the world as your parents.

“Unless you need to talk or something.”

She looked up again, and this time the tears leaked out. She used the back of her hand to wipe them away. “That would be great. I mean, if you don’t mind. I just…” She hugged herself again, and her voice got so soft I could barely hear her. “I just feel so lonely.”

My heart squeezed in my chest again. “I don’t mind.”

She kicked off her sandals and moved up to the head of the bed, leaning back against my pillows and wrapping her arms around her knees. She looked pensive, and I knew I was about to hear a lot more about Ted than I’d ever wanted to.

I went over to my desk, spun the chair around, and sat with my arms folded along the back.

Then I took a deep breath and prepared to be noble.

“So, what happened with you guys tonight?”

Chapter Four

I woke up slowly and in stages.

The first thing I was aware of was my head. It was a little foggy but not too bad—not my worst hangover by any stretch.

The next thing I was aware of was my body.

But it wasn’t just my body. It was my body and Will’s.

I was lying on my left side. The big, solid bulk of him was behind me, his arm draped over my waist.

I did a quick check of my memory. No, Will and I hadn’t had sex. We hadn’t fooled around.

We hadn’t even kissed.

He’d been the perfect gentleman and friend. He’d let me ramble on about my stupid failed relationship without once telling me to just shut the hell up, which alone should qualify him for a medal.

So how had we ended up like this? The plan had been for me to crash in his room while he stayed somewhere else.

As the night had gone on I’d gotten sleepier and fuzzier and my rambling more disjointed until finally Will said, “You’re wiped out. I’m going to go and let you get some sleep, okay?”

That had been enough to wake me up. If Will left, I knew exactly what I’d do.

I’d call Ted.

“Don’t go.”

I was ashamed of the words the moment they came out of my mouth. They were pathetic. They were needy. They were—

“I have to go.”

I stared at him. His voice was different, suddenly. Rougher.

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling even worse. “I’ve kept you away from your own party. You’re right. You should go. I’ll be fine.”

He’d been sitting on his desk chair this whole time, listening to me talk. Now he got to his feet and started to pace, his hands stuck in his pockets.

“I’m not worried about the party. I don’t give a shit about the party. I just…”

I watched him prowl around his own room like an animal in a cage. I was still a little buzzed, not to mention exhausted and sort of hollowed out, but I tried to figure out what Will was thinking.

Suddenly I remembered something I’d forgotten about.

“Oh my God.”

Will stopped pacing and stared at me. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Your girlfriend. You guys broke up, too. Oh my God, I’m so selfish. All my babbling is reminding you of that, isn’t it? I’m making you think about it. I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to get back to the party?” I answered my own question. “Of course you want to get back to the party. I’m sorry. You should go.”

Will stared at me for another moment. Then his shoulders sort of sagged and he combed a hand through his hair. “Okay.”

He sounded almost hopeless, and I felt terrible. “Unless you want to talk. You listened to me talk forever. Please, Will, stay and talk to me. I’ve been a shitty friend. I didn’t even ask you about her. But I’m asking you now. Talk to me.” I realized something. “God, I don’t even remember her name. I’m the worst friend in the world. What’s her name?”

He looked even more hopeless. “Lissa.”

I started to ask something else. But the alcohol I’d drunk and my emotions about Ted and the post-gig exhaustion sort of tangled up inside me, and before I could stop myself, I was crying.

Then Will was there with his arm around my shoulders. He held me as I cried, murmuring something soothing and comforting, while I said
Don’t go
over and over.

And that, somehow, had led to us spending the night together. Well, not
together
, but side by side.

Last night it had felt innocent. We were just two friends comforting each other after our breakups.

But this morning, it felt completely different.

A rush of something went through me. No, not a rush. A rush is fast, and this was slow and sweet, like honey.

Even though my head was foggy, my body felt wonderful. Warm and safe and…

Alive.

I wanted to stay like this forever. Will’s presence seemed to drive away all the miserable emotions of yesterday—the fear and anger and sadness and guilt, and the horrible overwhelming sense of failure and loneliness.

How could I be lonely if Will was with me?

But then, slowly, I thought about what that meant.

I’d broken up with Ted last night.
Last night.

I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t being rational. I was—

And then Will made this sound—a sort of half snore, half snort. Was he waking up?

His arm around me tightened, and every cell in my body responded.

Then I had to stifle a gasp. Behind me, Will pressed himself closer. And there, nestled right against my butt, was either a piece of lead pipe or Will’s hard-on.

He was hard. Wanting me.

But in his sleep. Right? That didn’t count. Guys woke up with erections all the time. It was biology. Nonspecific biology.

He would have reacted that way no matter who was in bed with him—and probably if he was alone, too. It didn’t have anything to do with me.

But maybe I could make it have to do with me.

I could turn around in his arms and wake him up. I could kiss him, say his name, make him say mine.

Claire.

And oh, did I want to. I wanted to hear him say my name with hunger, with longing, with—

Love.

A rush of shame followed the rush of lust. Love? I had loved Ted. We were together for four years. What was wrong with me?

Slowly, I eased myself out from under Will’s arm. Slowly, I moved to the edge of the bed. Slowly, I—

“Claire?”

I whipped my head around and saw that Will’s eyes were open. His expression was confused and sleepy, but he was definitely awake.

“Good morning,” I said, trying to sound cheerful and normal and like everything between us was still exactly the same, even though a moment ago I’d thought about using him to forget about Ted. My voice was a little raspy, but I’d sung my guts out last night.

“You okay?” he asked, and a shiver went through me. His voice was raspy too, but in a different way. Rough and gravelly and so…

I got a grip on myself.

“Oh, sure. Of course. I mean, it was a rough night, but I’m fine. Thanks for letting me stay here. Really. I mean it.”

“No problem.”

He was a little more awake now, and he was close enough to touch. I could sink back into bed and crawl into his arms and we could—

What? Have sex? Decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Get married and have kids?

I got up and found my sandals. “Okay, then. I guess I’ll head back to Bracton now.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked. “You sound kind of… I don’t know. Weird.”

I had my back to him while I slipped on my sandals. Now I turned to face him, figuring it would be safe to look at him now that I was out of bed with my shoes on.

I was wrong.

He was sitting up, which gave me a view of his upper body.

Man, he was perfect. How had I not noticed before? I mean really, really noticed?

Maybe there was something to be said for the whole sports thing. Because every inch of Will was ripped, from the heavy bands of muscle on his arms and shoulders to the powerful chest and flat abs. And I felt weak, almost helpless, in the face of that overwhelming masculinity.

I’m strong,
that masculinity seemed to say.
I can take care of you.

I cringed internally. Was that what I wanted? Some guy to take care of me?

It wasn’t just his physical strength that was so appealing. There was also his kindness, the decency that seemed to radiate from him. His green eyes were sweet and full of concern, his face handsome and a little scruffy, his auburn hair tousled and touchable.

He was basically a six-foot-two package of smoking hot male protectiveness, designed to push every emotional—and physical—button in my female self.

Everything in me was screaming
stay
.

“I have to go,” I said abruptly.

I kept enough presence of mind to turn once I had my hand on the doorknob.

“Thanks again for last night, Will. Really. You’re a good friend.”

And then I fled.

* * *

When I got back to Bracton, Ted was gone.

I leaned against the doorjamb, looking around my room and feeling like crap. The only thing I really wanted to do was crawl into my bed and sleep for a hundred years.

Down the hall, I heard another door open. I turned my head and Tamsin was there.

She hadn’t bothered to dye her roots for a while, so her hair was a mix of girl-next-door brown and Goth black. The rest of her picked up on the theme. Her sky blue T-shirt and jeans were girl-next-door, but the black eyeliner running down her cheeks was Goth.

It was something else, too.

“Tamsin? What’s wrong?”

I forgot my own stupid troubles for a second to focus on my friend, who’d obviously been crying her eyes out.

“Oscar and I broke up last night.”

“Oh no. I’m so sorry.” I rushed over and gave her a hug. “Ted and I broke up last night, too. There must be something really sucky in the air.”

Tamsin hugged me back. “I guess so.”

A minute later we were in her room, her on her bed and me on Rikki’s.

“Oscar isn’t coming back to Hart this year. He’s going to travel instead.” Tamsin grabbed a tissue from the box beside her bed and swabbed at the black mess under her eyes, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was making it worse. “I offered to go with him. To take the year off and follow him around South America like some kind of puppy dog. Pathetic, right? But he said no, this is his hero’s journey and he has to go alone.”

I stared at her. “His
hero’s journey
? My God, that’s the most egotistical thing I’ve ever heard. Seriously, Tamsin—I know you feel like shit right now, but I’m thinking you dodged a bullet here.”

She blew her nose into the eyeliner-stained tissue. “You do?”

“Are you kidding me? His hero’s journey? Take a second to contemplate the sheer unadulterated bullshit of that.”

She looked down at the crumpled tissue in her hand. After a moment the corners of her mouth quirked up, and then she was laughing.

I laughed, too. I laughed until my stomach muscles hurt, and it felt great.

It was a catharsis.

Maybe that’s what I’d wanted from Will this morning, when I’d fought the urge to crawl into bed with him and have rebound sex. A catharsis.

But you can’t use people like that. You can’t use one guy to purge another guy from your system.

I got up from Rikki’s bed and went over to Tamsin’s, sitting cross-legged beside her.

“I have an idea.”

Tamsin stopped laughing. “You sound serious.”

“I am. I’m totally serious.” I grabbed her hands. “I think we should make a solemn vow.”

“A solemn vow? Dude, I haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

“No, listen. Listen.” I took a deep breath. “I think we should swear off men.”

Tamsin looked horrified. “Are you nuts? A breakup is no reason to swear off men. That’s a massive overcorrection.”

“Just give me a minute to make my case, okay? I swear I’m onto something here.”

“How about we go down to the dining hall and you tell me over breakfast?”

I was suddenly starving. “Okay. Deal.”

A little while later our trays were full of eggs and pancakes and bacon and we were sitting at one of the small tables along the wall.

“All right, lay it on me,” Tamsin said, stirring sugar into her coffee.

I finished a bite of toast and leaned forward. “This isn’t an anti-man thing. This is a pro-us thing. Here’s my question. What would our lives be like if we didn’t pour so much energy into guys? Emotional energy, sexual energy, whatever? What if we put all that energy into ourselves? Our classes? Our creativity? Our friendships?”

Tamsin took a gulp of coffee and set her cup down. “You know, I did read an article about tantric celibacy over the summer. I thought it was bullshit at the time but it’s kind of been percolating in my mind.”