Clarity 2 (9 page)

I find myself breathing very rapidly, as though I have just finished running a small marathon. I lift my fingers to plug my ears to drown out the sound. This can’t be real.
This can’t be happening. His voice is so soft that my fingers actually do manage to muffle him completely, but once I am unable to hear anything, I begin to panic. I am already so oblivious to my surroundings. He could use a ladder to climb in the window, and I wouldn’t even hear it. He could have found a secret entrance to my room and be standing in front of me right now, and I wouldn’t even know. I rip my fingers out of my ears to keep from sending myself into a panic. Of course, he is still talking.

“... went to counseling with her.
Your sister thinks there’s something wrong with me. Sex addiction, or something of the sort. But I think she’s wrong, Helen. It’s just you. It’s just the thought of you that makes me feel this way. Don’t get me wrong, I grew to love Carmen over the years. But I only started seeing her because I saw a tiny bit of your spark in her.” He sighs. “Don’t you understand? Fucking her was the closest I could get to having you again.”

“Oh my god,” I moan in horror. “Please stop. Stop. Stop.”

“You need to hear this,” Grayson insists. “I was so disappointed when you stopped going to school. You even left your dorm. You headed back here, to your home. And I followed you. I watched you, and I was waiting for an opportunity to see you again. To touch you again. To taste you again. But somehow, you escaped me. You disappeared, and I needed to find you. That’s why I first spoke to Carmen. To find out where you were. She had no idea, and I was heartbroken. But Carmen wasn’t like you. She was friendly, flirtatious, and she expressed interest in me. At first, I was too upset over losing you to consider dating her, but as time went on, and my wounds healed... Carmen became my consolation prize.”

“I wish I didn’t have to hear any of this,” I say miserably. “I
need to go back in time and un-hear everything I just heard.”

“I’m glad you’re home, Helen,” Grayson says quietly.
“I do love your sister, but I was thinking that we could work out an arrangement of sorts. I want to see you sometimes. When Carmen is away from home, or busy at work—I want to be with you. I need this. We’re family now, so you’ll help me out, right? I want to see you on the side. I want you to be my mistress.”

I finally snap. I finally start laughing hysterically. My laughter sounds zany and
bizarre. I allow my body to fall to the side until I am lying on the ground and clutching my stomach and laughing. I have completely cracked. I am laughing so hard that I almost don’t notice my phone ringing.

“
Is that your boyfriend, Helen?” Grayson asks angrily. “That fucking jerk who was here at the wedding? Don’t answer it. Forget about him. I’ll fucking kill him.”

I slam my fist into the dresser which is blocking my door.
This time I am filled with aggression and fury. “Maybe I’ll kill you instead,” I tell Grayson in a cheerful voice. “You’ve driven me insane. Doesn’t that make me the dangerous one?” I am just talking out of my ass, but it feels good to turn the threatening around on him. I am sick of being the victim.

Placing my palm
on the ground, I push myself off the ground and move across the room to answer my phone. “Hello?” I say in an upbeat tone.

“Winter?” Liam says. “Hey! So I had some questions I wanted to ask about our date tomorrow...”

I suddenly frown. “One sec.” Holding the phone against my ear, I move over to my closet and open the doors. I move inside and shut the doors, and position my body between rows of hanging dresses to conceal my voice. “What’s up?”

“Well, I have some really awesome ideas of things we could do after the appointment. Owen’s been helping me with something he calls
‘The Ultimate List of Best First Dates.’ I know, that sounds ridiculous, but I was actually surprised to see that he had some really great ideas! They’re not all even based on porn. I tried to incorporate them with my own, and...”

The frown on my face has been growing deeper and deeper the
entire time that Liam has been speaking. “Look,” I tell him in a snappish tone. “I’m going to have to cancel.”

“What? Why?”

“Because Grayson is harassing me, and I can’t deal with this,” I say angrily. “Liam, I’m sorry. I can’t stay here another day. I want to go home. I’m going to pack my suitcase and wait until he goes to sleep, and get the hell out of here. I need to leave. ASAP.”

“Don’t.” Liam says the word softly, and then he sigh
s. “Okay. Just give me an hour. I’ll come and rescue you from your tower, and the fearsome ogre. We’ll do our date today instead of tomorrow. I have a strategy. I’m sure I can make you feel better. What do you say?”

“No,” I say firmly. “I don’t want to leave my room. Not unless it’s to leave for good.”

“Just trust me, Winter. You said you’d trust me,” Liam says forcefully. “Please.”

“You can’t come here,” I say with concern. “He said he’d kill you. He has a gun, remember?”

“I’m not afraid of a coward like Grayson,” Liam says urgently. “Come on. I am sure that if you go on this date with me, you’ll feel better about everything. It will change your life. I promise. Please give me a chance?”

“And if it doesn’t change my life,” I tell him softly. “You’ll take me home to New Hampshire?”

“It’s a deal,” he agrees. “Put on a sports bra and some comfortable clothes. As though we were going on a jog.”

“A sports bra?” I say in surprise.

“Just trust me,” he repeats solemnly. “No asking questions—just do as I say.”

“Fine,” I say grumpily, hanging up the phone.
Even as intelligent as Liam is, I highly doubt that he can magically change my life with a single date and a sports bra. Still, some part of me really wants him to, and dearly hopes he can.

Getting out of the house was a great idea. I am sitting in the passenger seat of Liam’s car, and it is a lot nicer than Owen’s old vehicle. The seats are ultra-cushiony, and the leathery smell is
soothing. The car drives a lot smoother too, and I feel fewer of the bumps and potholes on the road. It is very relaxing.

The best part is that Gra
yson isn’t in the car. And with each passing mile, he is farther and farther away. I do feel free and liberated—like a princess rescued from an ogre. Even if Liam’s planned date fails to change my life, I still appreciate that he forced me to get out of the house. I feel like myself again.

“We’re almost there,” Liam tells me. “Now you might think this is weird at first, but just trust me and go with it.”

“Should I be worried?” I ask him with a quizzical smile.

“Nope. You should be delirious with excitement.”

I snort at this. “You sure are confident.”

“No one is
ever
disappointed with my surprises,” Liam assures me.

“Maybe I’ll be the first,”
I say, making a face. “I barely know you! This could be awful. You could be taking me to...  a hypnotist. You could be trying to change my life by erasing all my bad memories. And when hypnotizing me fails, you could give me a lobotomy or something. What if you’re actually a crazy mad-scientist type of doctor?”

Liam laughs as he parks the car. “With an imagination like that, I can see why you write such excellent books.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to erase your memory. Wait there for a sec.” He turns off the engine of the car, and exits the vehicle.

A moment later, I hear the sound of him opening my car door. I smile at this, and unbuckle my seatbelt before stepping out. “Where are we?” I ask, trying to identify our location through listening to the street sounds.

“No asking questions,” he says in a teasing voice. “It might ruin the surprise. Do you want to take my elbow?”

“Sure,” I say cautiou
sly, reaching out to circle my hand around his upper arm. He guides me slowly and carefully toward a building, and opens a door. Once we step through it, he places my hand on a railing.

“There’s a narrow staircase here,” he tells me, as he begins to climb the flight of stairs.

I climb behind him until we reach a landing. Once we are there, I feel that the material on the ground has changed. It’s rubbery.

“Take off your shoes,”
Liam tells me, “and hand me your jacket.”

Smiling to mask my confusion, I
comply with his commands. I can hear him removing his shoes as well. He gives me his elbow again, and guides me through another set of doors. I am surprised to feel that the ground has grown quite soft beneath my feet, which are now only clad in a pair of socks. I am even more surprised when I feel Liam stopping and bowing deeply.

“Liam!” says an older man’s voice with a hearty laugh. “
Shame on you for getting me out of bed this early for an ‘emergency session.’ Where’s the fire, son?”

“I’m sorry, Sensei,” Liam says respectfully. “I would like you to meet Winter, the girl I told you about on the phone.”

“Ah, a lovely fire indeed,” says the older man. “I’m James. Nice to meet you, Winter.”

“Hello,” I say shyly.

“James has been my judo teacher since I was a kid,” Liam explains to me. “He’s the best. He’s also partially blind.”

“Judo?” I
whisper in surprise. “You want me to learn how to fight?”

“Yes,” Liam says, “but it’s so much more than that.
I considered taking you to therapy, but you’ve already studied psychology—they can’t tell you anything you don’t already know. I believe you need something stronger than counseling.”

“Can a blind person really learn how to fight?” I ask in wonder.

James laughs. “Of course! You can ask my blind students who medaled at the Paralympics. The Judo competition is reserved specifically for the visually impaired.”

I did not know this. I feel like a door has been opened, and a huge tidal wave of information has gushed through and smacked me in the face.
I also do feel excited. Scared, but excited. I am already grateful to Liam for teaching me that there was a possible power that I
could have
that I had never considered exploring.

“
I was hoping you could give her a personalized crash course in basic self-defense,” Liam tells his instructor. “I think she’s a fast learner and will pick it up quickly.”

“Sure,” James says, “but I think we need to start with the philosophy of the art. You see, Winter, m
any sighted folks consider us blind people easy targets. Muggings, violence, abuse—you name it. We can often seem disadvantaged and defenseless, and that encourages attacks against us. The solution? Well, we need both to stop
seeming
defenseless, and to stop
being
defenseless.”

“How do we do that?” I ask him curiously.

“You need to learn how to carry yourself,” James tells me, and I hear his voice moving closer. “Sighted people can use body language to convey a sense of confidence and strength. This automatically wards off many attackers. However, body language is learned through visually observing the postures of others. I will be teaching you how to be strong and aggressive in your stance.”

I nod, for this makes a lot of sense. “I would like to learn.”

“If you’re going to study under me, the number one rule is that you should not be afraid of touch.” The teacher’s voice is calm and pleasant, and I am eager to absorb his every word. “If someone tries to grab you or hit you, then they are stepping onto
your
battlefield. Your body is your turf—and the moment someone steps onto
your
turf, you are no longer blind. If they touch you, you touch them back. You grab whatever you can. If you can
feel
your attacker, you can
see
your attacker.”

“Okay,” I say softly.

“Do you see this?” James reaches out to touch my shoulder. “Now you know exactly where I am. Now you have valuable information about me—all the information you need to take me down.”

I nod in understanding.

“And now—observe this,” James says removing his hand from my shoulder. He steps around me, slowly circling my body. “Now that I am no longer touching you, I have become invisible to you. I could be anywhere around you. You have some clues, but not all the clues you need. You don’t want to run away. You don’t want more space between us. You want to move
into
me so that you can
see
my body and neutralize it so that it is no longer a threat. It might seem counterintuitive at first, but you’ll soon understand once we begin training.”

My mind is blown. It makes so much sense.
When Grayson attacked me, I ran away. I am always getting nervous and flinching away from contact with people. I never realized that doing so gave
them
the power.

“Remember this concept,” James says again. “
If they’re not touching you, they’re invisible. So take advantage of touch, and make it your friend—not your enemy.”

I take a deep breath and nod thankfully. “I will,” I say with determination. It also occurs to me that I have psychological issues with running away. Going to New Hampshire might have saved my skin for the time being, but it did not erase my problems completely. Instead, it exposed my home to
infiltration from my attacker. If I had stayed, and pushed forward instead of caving in, I could have changed everything.

I want to change everything.

“It’s good to keep your enemies close,” Liam tells me, “so don’t worry. We’ll teach you what you need to do.”

“And I have the perfect way to start!” James says happily. “Winter, how would you like to
kick Liam’s ass a lot?”

A laugh bubbles out of my throat. “Really? I think I’d love that.”

“Darn,” Liam says in dismay.

The teacher gets to work on showi
ng me what to do if someone has placed a hand around my neck. He shows me where to place my thumb and how to twist my opponents arm until he is disabled. He shows me how to follow through until my opponent is on the ground. He has me try it gently a few times in slow-motion before turning to Liam.

“Alright, son,” James says cheerfully. “I want you to grab Winter by the throat.”

Liam hesitates. “Do you feel comfortable with that?” he asks me.

“Just shut up and do it already,” I say with a smile. “I want to try this.”

“Okay, here goes,” he says, before reaching for my neck.

For a moment, I do feel a bit of fear. I do remember Grayson’s hand on my neck. For only a fraction of a second, as his hand comes into contact with my skin, I am paralyzed in terror. Then, as his hand clamps around my neck, I remember that he is now ‘visible’ to me. Comforted by the fact that this is a safe environment, and I have simple instructions, I grab his hand and twist it until Liam is on the ground, and my body is positioned over his, pinning him down.

Liam laughs. “Ouch! I knew you’d be a fast learner. That was almost perfect, and it was only your first try.”

I blush in embarrassment when I realize how close my body is to his, and I begin to pull away.

“No,” James says, placing a hand on my back. “Touch is your weapon, remember? You want to move your knees closer to his body. If you pull away, he’ll get free and attack you again. Remember, you are not only blind, but you are a woman. Which means you will be much smaller than most of your opponents. Although you may not weigh much, if you position your body correctly, you can overpower someone who weighs twice as much as you do. Really
press
your body down on his and
lock
him down. Knees and arms closer! Closer!”

“Okay,” I say nervously, pushing aside my modesty and focusing on the technique. “Like this?”

“Yes! Yes! That’s it,” James says. “Now, Liam, try to break free.”

Liam struggles against me, and I hold my position fast.
A few times, he nearly breaks my hold and I am worried that I’m doing it wrong. After a few seconds of struggling, he gives up.

“I’m down,”
Liam says in approval. “She’s got me.”

“Great,” says James. “Now let’s move on to the next
technique.”

The rest of the lesson passe
s by in a whirlwind of energy and struggling to achieve perfection. I feel so honored by the way that James and Liam treat me; like I am truly capable of doing this. It really does strengthen my confidence in myself, and makes me want to try to do more and more. My muscles quickly begin to ache, having not been used very much in years. However, I welcome the feeling and push onward, feeling exhilarated from the exercise and motion.

I feel like Liam has dumped
me into a swift-moving river and demanded that I swim. I love it. I love the challenge, and I love being immersed in fast-paced new information. It’s intimidating, and it could certainly drown me, but I won’t be tugged under by the current. I’m going to swim.