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Authors: Loretta Lost

Clarity 2 (4 page)

BOOK: Clarity 2
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I flinch at her words. He’s certainly my first fake boyfriend.

“My little sister’s growing up,” Carmen says affectionately. “Sorry. I’m just so emotional today. This is so special.”

“Yeah,” I mutter in frustration.
“So special.”

“Honestly, I’m jealous,”
Carmen whispers. “Grayson is pretty cute, but Liam is a
stud
. Gosh. Aren’t you glad you wore the thong?”

“No. Not really.”

“Why can’t you be a little excited with me, Helen? Seriously. I’m just trying to enjoy the moment and bask in our happiness.” She moves over to the library doors to peer out at the crowd with a sigh. “I mean, if only you could
see
this adorable man who’s all yours...”

“There has to be more to a man than his appearance,”
I tell her briskly. “I really don’t care what he looks like.”

“But doesn’t it help to know that... oh.
Hey, Helen?” Carmen pauses and hesitates. “How well does your boyfriend know Dr. Howard? They seem pretty close.”


Liam and Leslie?” I ask in surprise. I immediately frown at how nice their names sound together. “Well... they’re colleagues.”


They seem like a little more than just colleagues to me,” Carmen observes.

“What do you mean
?” I ask, without really wanting to. It’s none of my concern.

“Well, h
e just hugged her and she kissed him on the cheek. They seem really affectionate.”

“Oh,” I say in disappointment. “I thought she was close to Mom’s age?”

“Yes,” Carmen responds slowly, “but she’s very well put-together. I’m almost positive she’s had some work done. She might be a bit of a... cougar.”

I make a face.
This upsets me. Why does it upset me? Liam isn’t actually my boyfriend, and I don’t actually care if he has something going on with an older woman. How do I even have the ability to care about anything other than the situation with Grayson? I am shocked at my endless capacity to be even more hurt and upset that I was a few minutes before.

“Maybe I’m wrong,” Carmen says. “I shouldn’t judge things so easily. You know how I always jump to conclusions and make the wrong assump...”

“Grayson is a rapist.”

My sister abruptly stops her prattling. There is a silence in the library.
I did not mean to say this, but I was unable to keep it inside any longer. I immediately regret having spoken, and wished I had delivered the information in a different way. I just didn’t have any time to think. It needed to be done
now
. Finally, when Carmen speaks, her voice is a tiny whisper.

“I know.”

“What?” I say in horror. “You know? You
know?”

“Yes. Helen...”

“Then why the hell are you marrying him?”

“It’s not what you think.” She takes several deep breaths and pulls me further into the shadows of the library. “
He—he has a problem. I’ve done some research... psychological research. I think it’s like a mental illness. Or just part of who he is. Either way, I accept this about him.”

“Carmen, are you insane?”
I struggle to keep my voice down because I’m moments away from screaming at her or grabbing and shaking her. “Has he ever hurt you?”

“Well, he’s aggressive sometimes. He’s never hit me, but sometimes...”

“Sometimes what?” I demand.

She hesitates. “If I’m sleeping, or if I’m not feeling well. Like, if I’m on my period, and I have cramps... he will force himself on me.” She gulps loudly. “Look, it’s only been a few times,
and he’s always really apologetic afterward. We’ve gone to counseling. I swear, it’s just this one thing—he’s a great guy in every other way.”

I feel so sick at hearing this. “You can’t marry him.”

“I have to. I love him. Please... please respect my decision, Helen. I know it seems messed up—but even though he hurts me, I know he doesn’t
really
mean to hurt me. I’ve talked to him about it. I don’t know what it is, but he has some kind of issue. He can’t control himself sometimes.”

“There are no excuses. If you mar
ry him, it will only get worse.”

“It’s just sex, Helen! He’s been
nothing but supportive and openhearted in other ways. In every other way.”

“Carmen, I can’t believe what you’re saying. You can’t do this.
” I am losing my temper and trying to be calm, but I find myself grabbing her shoulders. “Did you know that in a lot of countries, it’s
legal
to rape your wife? Even here, it’s only been taken seriously in recent history. Traditionally, wives are supposed to be submissive to their husband, and that attitude is still a huge part of our culture. You can’t agree to a life with someone who doesn’t respect you.”

“He respects me,” Carmen insists. Her body trembles under my hands as though she is silently crying. “I swear to you, Helen. He respects me.”

“Are you insane?” I shake my head in disbelief. “You’re throwing away your freedom and the sanctity of your body. You’re subjugating yourself to abuse! And you’re
defending
him?”


Yes, I’m defending him!” Carmen says sharply. “Believe it or not, I’ve had worse boyfriends. I’ve dated guys who tried to interfere with my school or my career. I dated guys that were jerks to Dad. I dated guys who were emotionally abusive and got drunk on an almost nightly basis, and said the cruelest things to me. I dated guys who drove recklessly and got into several accidents with me in the vehicle. I dated guys with drug problems who tried to get me addicted and waste our days away being high. Yes, I’m sad and pathetic. But Grayson is the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s the best guy I’ve ever been with, even with his flaws. And I’m marrying him!”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I ask her in shock. “He just threatened to kill you if I told you what I know about him.”

“He doesn’t mean it,” Carmen says tearfully. “Trust me, he’s just using scare tactics—he really doesn’t mean it, and he would never hurt me.”

“You just told me he
raped
you.”

“Yes, but... it’s not complete rape. I want to have sex with him most of the time. Look, it’s just a super small issue, Hellie.
It’s my fault too. If I had just been in the mood...”

“Oh my god,” I say in disbelief and horror. “Who
are
you? What the fuck are you even saying right now? I thought my big sister was strong and brave. I thought she didn’t take crap from anyone.”

“I’ve changed since we lost Mom,” Carmen tells me. “Now... I’d rather take a little crap from people than be completely alone forever.”

“I won’t let you,” I tell her firmly. “You won’t be alone, but you can’t marry
him.
He’s an animal. You deserve better!”

Carmen sighs. “I’m too tired, Helen. I’m too old to meet someone new and get to know him all over again. I’ve been with Grayson for a long time, and we are good together. I don’t want to start all over again with someone else who could be even worse once I discover who he really is
—it takes
years
to really figure a person out.”

“You haven’t even figured Grayson out!” I accuse her. “You don’
t even know how foul he is. Let me tell you what he did. Maybe if you know that you’re not the only one he’s hurt, you’ll understand and take action.”

“Helen,” she says brokenly. “Don’t.”

“Do you remember when I came home with all those bruises? When I said I was mugged?”

“No!”
Carmen almost shouts at me. Her words are laced with small, heart-wrenching sobs. “Please. Stop. I can’t know this. Don’t say another word. I’m fucked, Helen. I’m so fucked.”

“You need to hear this,” I insist.
“He’s the one who...”

“Helen, I’m three months p
regnant.”

The words get caught in my throat. I find myself rendered speechless.

“Whatever he’s done?” Carmen whispers. “I can’t know. He’s the father of my baby. I can’t... I can’t back out of this now. I need him. I want my baby to grow up with a good father, like we did.”

My hands fall to my side, quite limp and robbed of their fire. I lower my head.

“I need to sit down,” Carmen says as she moves over to a chair in the corner of the library. She takes several deep breaths. “So now you know. I think it’s why I’ve been so hormonal,” she says with a small, miserable laugh. “It’s why I’ve been crying so easily. Oh, and of course, it’s why I was throwing up earlier. Why I had Tylenol instead of Advil, and no champagne while getting ready...”

“Is it also why you’ve lost your mind?” I ask her quietly.

“Yes,” she answers. “I know that Grayson will be a good father. I don’t care if he hurts me sometimes. That’s the price I’m willing to pay to have the security of a good man and a strong family. As long as he takes care of my baby, nothing else matters.”

I close my eyes, trying to un
-see the horrible images in my mind. In this moment, I see too much. I vividly remember calling Dr. Howard to get me the morning-after pill when this happened to me. She tried to get me to file a police report and do a rape kit, but I just wanted to put the attack behind me. Now, I wish I had. If only I had known that my rapist wouldn’t stop there, and that he would take things even further and hurt my sister? Or any other woman?

I was being selfish. I just wanted to run
away to save myself, when I should have stayed to fight. This is all my fault. And now, this man has raped my sister into fathering my niece or nephew. He’s trapped her. Emotionally, financially, and probably in dozens of ways I can’t begin to guess, he’s made her his prisoner.

“What if he hurts your child?” I ask her softly. “What if it’s a girl, and
when she’s a teenager...”

“No. Don’t even say that,” Carmen tells me.
“He wouldn’t—”

Music starts playing from the ballroom where the wedding is being held. It’s the mu
sic meant to announce Carmen’s entrance into the room.

“Oh god,” she says quietly
, leaping up from her chair. “Oh god. How’s my makeup? Shit, you can’t even see my makeup. Oh god.”

“You
r makeup is the least of your worries,” I tell her dryly.

“Look, Helen. I’ve made my choice. Maybe it’s a bad choice, but I can’t change my mind now. It’s too late. I’m in too deep.” She sniffles and wipes her face.
“I have to go now. I love him, and I know he’ll be a good father. I just want to present a good image to everyone else. I want to seem strong and happy to all our family and friends. Who cares if I have some private issues that bother me behind closed doors? Everyone has skeletons in their closets. I’m going to head inside now.”

“Can you think about this for a moment?” I implore her.
“Carmen, I just want you to be safe. You’re my big sister. I want you to be happy for real. Not just put on a show for everyone. Years of faking it and silently suffering will destroy you. It will suck the life out of you, and you’ll be dead inside.”

“I will be fine,” she assures me, putting a hand on my arm. “Don’t worry about me. Besides, I can live vicariously through you
—at least you have Liam! He seems like a great guy who would never...”

“Ha! I just met him yesterday.”

“What?”

“He’
s a stranger,” I admit shamefully. “Sorry, Carm. He’s just my doctor. I asked him to pretend for me.”

“Oh.” Her voice is empty and disappointed. “
Well, then we’re both fucked.”

“Yeah,” I agree.

“I guess... I’m going to go get married now,” she says quietly. “Are you going to come stand beside me at the altar?”

“No.”
There is zero hesitation in my voice. “I don’t support your decision. I can’t be part of this celebration.” My face contorts into a nasty frown. “But if Grayson dies, please invite me to his funeral.”

“Okay,” she says softly. “Thanks for coming to my wedding, Hellie. You’re—you’re the only one who
really
cares.” Carmen throws her arms around me in one final, tight hug before leaving the library.

I could feel all her love and fear in the fierceness of her embrace. It brings tears to my eyes.
I listen to her hurried footsteps as she turns and rushes across the foyer to do her duty and walk down the aisle. I know that she’s just trying to be strong and do the right thing. Who am I to judge? Maybe it is the right thing to do. Maybe Grayson really is a good person with some sort of mental illness, and maybe the good he does in the world makes up for his sins. Maybe the good he does for my family makes up for what he did to me. Maybe he really will be a good father.

Somehow, I have trouble believing this.

The news of my sister’s pregnancy is bittersweet. She seems excited at the prospect, and I will be happy to be an auntie. I wonder if Dad knows? Either way, I’m sure he would be thrilled. I just always imagined this happening under different circumstances. I imagined more laughter and safety. I imagined that it would be slow and carefully planned. I imagined throwing baby showers and parties, and celebrating with friends. I imagined that Mom would be there to help Carmen and guide her with good advice.

BOOK: Clarity 2
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