Clockwork Romance (22 page)

I hit my head with my palms, hoping it will wake me up, but I realize I am awake, and this isn’t another dream. I sit on the couch again, but I can only think about Karina. I decide I have to keep myself occupied. Maybe I should go to the bar and drink. There could be a few people there I could talk to. Hell, maybe Bibi is there. I wouldn’t mind talking to her again. I look out the window at the bar, then the street. Empty. There are a few parked cars around, but that’s all. I look at the streets and think something terrible.
I’ve just made Karina walk home by herself at night.

I don’t even see her outside. She doesn’t live far, so I pray she makes it home okay. I want to call her to make sure, but we agreed not to. What else do I have left to do? All I can think to do is lie around in bed. Is that all there is to do for the next few weeks? Maybe I should go out and look for a job myself, and meet some new people that way. Right now, the only thing on my mind is whether or not Karina is okay. I look out my window again, but I still don’t see her. She should be close to her apartment by now. She only lives about five blocks away. I’m sure she’s fine.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole seeing other people thing. I don’t know if I should actually see someone else, but at least talking to someone else, taking my mind off Karina for just a few weeks might be alright. It’s what she would want. She wants us to realize how much we love each other. The only place I can think of is the bar.

I
grab my things, including my wallet, cell phone, and keys, and put them in my pocket. But as I’m putting my wallet in my front right pocket, I feel something.  It’s something I apparently didn’t notice before. I take my wallet out of my pocket and set it down, before reaching my hand back into my pocket to pull out whatever it is that’s in there. I pull out a folded torn out edge of a piece of paper. I read it, then lose my interest in going to the bar.

What I’m reading is a phone number. It belongs to a girl named Hannah.

                                                        Chapter 17

Saturday. It’s afternoon and I’ve been pacing back and forth all day wondering whether or not to call Hannah. I haven’t spoken to her in months, and chances are she could have already forgotten about me. I just keep thinking over and over what Karina would want, even though it only puts more pressure on me. Is Karina testing me? Does she really not want me to see someone else, or does she? Maybe she meant it. After all, I have been sort of out of my mind lately, so I should get to know someone else.

But Hannah was actually wanting to form a relationship the last time we met. What if she expects the same thing this time around? Who am I kidding, Hannah has probably found someone else within the past couple of months. I still remember what she looks like. She was fair-skinned, like Karina, brown hair, beautiful eyes, with eyelashes that went so well with her smile.
But I wouldn’t be able to tell her that I’m still in a relationship with another woman. Last time, she almost walked out on me because she thought I didn’t want to see her. If she knows that I have a girlfriend, Hannah will think I’m a pig who’s just using her. I don’t want to break her heart.

I think further when Karina and I ultimately get back together. Where will that leave Hannah? If Hannah expects us to be in a relationship of our own, I can’t very well date two women. This is why it’s taking so long to dial the numbers on my phone. If I make it clear that we should just be friends, or that we shouldn’t take it too far just yet, she might not be in such a hurry to date. But Hannah was so nice and kind when we first met, I’d hate to do this to her,
especially when she finds out that I’ve had a girlfriend the whole time. She’s likely to storm out of my life forever. Damn, why did Karina tell me to see other people if I was just going to end up like this. Should I even call Hannah at all? Like I said, she might even have a boyfriend of her own. I wouldn’t be surprised.

Back when Hannah and I were getting to know each other, sh
e told me she worked in a dentist’s office. She told me she wanted to be one herself one day. All those details are starting to come back to be now. I remember thinking how good we were for each other, and that at the time, I didn’t deserve a girl like her. Do I now? I told her that I needed time. Over two months now, and I’d forgotten about her, having been with Karina the whole time. I can’t let her think that I dumped her just to be with Karina.

I remember thinking how Hannah could be the one. Hannah surely wouldn’t have waited so long just to hear back from me. She’s had to have moved on by now. Still, I want to call her. I feel like I owe her that much. I told her I would call her again one day, and now if I don’t, I’m just
going to live with more guilt.

I stare at my phone and at Hannah’s number. I dial the number, but I hesitate to press call. I have no idea, not the slightest, of what to say. I could just say hi, or I could ask her if she would like to go out sometime. God this is so hard. Don’t mention Karina. If I call Hannah, that’s the only thing I should keep in mind.
If I let that slip over the phone, Hannah will think I’m calling just to boast, which I’m not. If I did that, she would just angry and hang up the phone, making the entire situation a bad idea.

Karina could very well be talking to someone else right now. What if she is? Then I look like a lonely sap who’s unable to move on. I’m gonna call Hannah, and find out if she’s seeing
anyone, then ask her out. That’s what I’ll do. I take a deep breath, press call, and put the phone up to my ear. It rings three times. I can’t even sit down. All I can do is walk back and forth between my living room and my bedroom. What will she say? Will I even recognize her voice? The phone stops ringing, and I hear, “Hello?” in a beautiful and soft voice.             

For a moment, all thoughts escape me. “Oh, hi, is this Hannah?”

“Yes, this is she. Who is this?” she asks as a gentle question, instead of a suspicious demand.

“My name’s Luke. You probably don’t remember me, but we met a few months ago. We had breakfast at a diner once,” I say.

“Oh yeah,” she remembers, “I remember you Luke. Yeah, you told me you couldn’t see me at the time for some reason. Is that right?”

“Yes,” I answer, feeling foolish when I hear those words repeated back to me. “I’m calling because, well, I was wanting to know, if you’re not doing anything later, maybe we could get together for dinner or something. Are you seeing anyone?”

“No, um, I’m not. Wow, I can’t believe you called me back. I’d love to go out tonight. Dinner sounds great,” says Hannah.

“Alright then,” I say, with a huge sigh of relief coming over me. Where would you like to go?
I know a nice fancy restaurant over on Rose Boulevard. I can make a reservation for two.”

“Yeah, I know the one. How about we meet there at seven?” she suggests.

“Okay, see you then,” I say.

“Bye, Luke,” she says kindly before hanging up.

Finally, I am able to sit down as a grin comes upon my face. Immediately, I look for the number of the restaurant to make a reservation. Afterwards, I think about what I should wear. We are going to a fancy restaurant, so it’ll be best to wear something nice, besides my usual t-shirt and jeans. I think about how nice it will be to see Hannah again after all this time. But I can only return to continue thinking if this is what Karina really expected me to do. Wouldn’t this be considered cheating? It’s only going out to dinner with an old friend.

What will Hannah think? Will she think we are going on a date? We should start as just seeing each other first. That’s how most relationships start out anyway. You have a few dates, then when you feel absolutely comfortable, you begin dating. But will that last part happen between us? Maybe this was all just a mistake. How am I going to break it off with her once
the time comes? I can’t just leave her alone. Not again. Damn it, what am I going to do?

Just go. Just go to dinner. Have a good time. Don’t think about Karina. Enjoy myself. Don’t feel regret or guilt. That’s all I can do. That’s all I will do. I resume getting my wardrobe together for later on. Should I wear a tie? I’m not even sure if I have any. I pick out a gray button-down shirt and black dress pants that go with a suit. Then I find a black tie
lying in the back of one of my drawers. Now all I’m missing the jacket to complete my suit, but I know for certain I don’t have one. I think I’ll look alright with what I have picked out.

I wonder what Hannah will wear. She might show up with her
hair looking like it’s been in the salon for six hours. She could walk in wearing a cocktail dress and high heels. Or she could be wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to let anything ruin this potential great evening. No feelings of regret and no second guessing about anything or anyone. I will enjoy this evening as a reuniting of old friends. Even though I’ve only met Hannah once, I think of Hannah as a friend. Hopefully she sees me as the same, but not too much more. Her face is becoming more and more clear in my head, as I am able to remember picture perfectly what she looks like.

When the evening comes, I’ve gotten dressed and have arrived at the restaurant. I look like a businessman, very casual and professional. I like this look. I think I might stick with it for a while. Dressing in something different instead of my usual attire
gives me another sign of change. This way, I look like I should have a degree in business. That should surely impress the other people in the restaurant, and more importantly, Hannah.

I go inside, and the hostess is there to greet me as I walk in, a tall attractive woman with tan skin and red lips. She asks me if I have a reservation. I give her all my information, then she directs me to my table. It turns out once again, I am the first to arrive.

While I wait for Karina to arrive, I choose not to start off with my usual beer, so I order wine. I look at the expensive prices on the menu for a minute, but while reading, I notice someone make their way into my sights. It is a woman wearing a white cocktail dress. It’s Hannah.

The dress
goes all the way to her feet, as I can barely see the heels she has on. She has her hair down, shiny and smooth. Her makeup is done, lightly, almost natural. It’s obvious she chose to dress to impress as well. “Hi,” she says, approaching the table. I immediately stand up to pull her chair out.

“Hello Hannah,” I say, admiring her wardrobe.
When she smiled, her eyelashes would cover up most of her eyes, which I’ve always thought was cute. It made her look like she was really happy, instead of putting on a fake mask.

“Thank you,” she says as she sits down.

I take my seat again and say, “Actually I would like to thank you first, for agreeing to have dinner with me tonight. I was afraid that after so long, you would’ve forgotten all about me. And now that I see you again, I can’t believe that there’s not a man in your life. You’re very lovely.”

“You look handsome yourself. And I must ask, not that I’m upset or anything, but what made you want to call me after all this time? Usually, when a guy says he’ll call you and then sends you on your way, it means he doesn’t really care to see you anymore,” she says.

“First off, I don’t consider myself the kind of guy who would do that, at least not anymore.” I take a sip of water before continuing. “Today, I was feeling a little… down, I guess. I found your number and realized that I had told you that I would talk to you again someday. I believe I at least owed you that much. I was kind of afraid you would say no, since it took me a long time to finally pick up the phone.”

“Luke, it’s not like I just sat down and stared at my phone for two months. I’ve been working and living the single life for a while. I will admit that I kind of have been looking for someone to talk to, if only a friend.” She reads the menu as she listens to me.

“Don’t you have people to talk to, like co-workers or something?” I ask.

“Well, you see,” she says, taking her eyes off the menu and looking at me, “most of the people I work with are married and have families. I talk to them while at work, but what I’m trying to say is, I don’t really have anyone to hang out with. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, but if you don’t mind me asking, why is that?” I ask, trying to sound sensitive.

“I’ve always had friends,” she says. “I mean everyone does, but I guess I’ve always been the kind of shy girl who keeps to myself. I’ve always been the good girl, which I like.”

“Which brings me to a question I wanted to ask you when we first time we met. You said Brandon Harris gave you my number. How’d you know him?” I ask, knowing Brandon has explained it to me before, however, some of those details I forgot.

The waiter comes over to our table and takes our order. We give it to him, then he leaves, making me almost forget what we were just talking about.

“Anyway,” Hannah says. “Brandon and my brother are like best friends. They have been ever since they were kids. One day, we just happened to be in the same room and he asked me why I wasn’t seeing anyone. He brought you into the conversation and said I should call you. He also assured me you were nothing like he was. That alone was enough to get me to call you.”

“Did he tell you anything else about me?” I ask.

“Nothing really. I don’t really remember. That was some time ago. I think he just told me you were single and in college,” she says.

“Oh,” I say.

“Why? Is there something he should have told me?” she asks with a grin.

“No, it’s just… you know how people sometimes over exaggerate when they describe other people. I just didn’t want him to make me out to be something
I’m not.”

“Hmm,” she says, as if something else is on her mind. “Luke, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I say.
Don’t ask if I’m seeing someone else. Don’t ask if I’m seeing someone else.

“Earlier, when you said you weren’t the kind of guy who would leave another woman, you said you weren’t that kind of guy
anymore
. What did you mean by that?”

Did I really say that? Did I already blow this evening? “What I meant was…” I say, before releasing a breath of disappointment within myself. “Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m going to give you the amount of respect you deserve and be one-hundred percent honest with you. I haven’t always been the kind and benevolent man I am now. I’ve had bad relationships in the past. Everyone has. But for me, I’d gotten to the point where I hated feelings and emotions. Of course, at the time, I was in a dark place and just didn’t know it. But soon, I began to hate myself. I knew I needed to change. And that was pretty much
when I met you. But at that moment, I knew I needed more time. I had to get my life together. I needed a new direction in life, to become a better man. Now I feel…” I just had a thought about all the crazy things that happened yesterday. “… better.” I notice that I haven’t had anything strange happen to me today. Nothing. Karina’s treatment must be working.

“
I supposed that answered my question. Thank you for being honest,” Hannah says with sincerity. “But if I may ask, how come you’ve had a bad past?”

Then everything starts to come flooding back to me. “It started in high school, over ten years ago. I wasn’t always the popular one. I was more like you, shy and kept to myself most of the time. But after a while, having nothing and nobody started getting to me. I’ve been kind of a loner all my life, or at least after high school. I guess that contributed to my cynicism that I’ve had for years. But like I said, I’ve been doing my best to stray away with all of that. To be truthful, this is the first time I’ve dressed like this in forever.”