Clouds That Were (Weathered Hearts) (14 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Chase

I
n a fog,
my dad leads me back to our house where I throw on some clothes and shoes so we can go to the hospital. I can’t breathe thinking about the fact that she could be dead.

We get in the car and drive to the hospital which seems to take forever.

When we finally arrive, we go and ask where Tenley is, but they won’t tell us anything because we aren’t family. They have probably called her mom, who should be here shortly, so we sit in the waiting room next to the ER so that we see her when she comes in.

We sit there all night and never see her mom. They still won’t tell us anything about Tenley. We have been awake all night, so I am more than a little irritable when the doctor comes into the room.

“Jessica Daniels?”

“She isn’t here. Can you tell us what is happening with Tenley?” my dad asks, pushing me down into my seat.

“Are you a relation?” he asks.

“No, but this is a unique situation. This is my son, Chase,” he says gesturing towards me “He and I were the ones who found her. I assume that her mother has been called, but we have been here for hours, she still hasn’t shown up, and we just want to know if Tenley is alive.”

He walks over closer to us and in an almost whisper says “She is alive, but that’s all I can tell you at this point. I’m not even supposed to tell you that. Once her mother gets here, we will fill her in on what’s going on, but for now, all I can tell you is that Tenley is alive.”

“Is she going to be okay?”

“I’m sorry, sir. I can’t give you any more information.”

With that, he turns and walks away, leaving us both sitting in the waiting room. I want to scream; I want to run after him and find Tenley. I just want to hold her hand, touch her to see that she is, in fact, still alive. I want her to know that she isn’t alone and that I am here. I will not leave this hospital until I at least see her.

“Chase?” my dad interrupts my thoughts.

“Now that we know that she is at least alive, I think you should see this.”

He hands me a notebook that is filled with Tenley’s handwriting. The first few pages seem to have what looks like her plan to kill herself and then I see the words “Dear Chase,” and I swear my heart stops beating.

Dear Chase,

If I have caused you any pain. I am sorry. I never wanted that. In fact, I am doing this partially for you. I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you to be stuck taking care of me. You deserve happiness and have a family and a life that you love. You can’t have that with me. I am messed up, always have been, always will be.

You have made me happy. The kisses, the time spent with you, the rides to school. Everything about you brings me joy. Especially your hair. You have hot hair. Did I ever tell you that? Your hair is hot. There, now I told you. You should be with someone who does that for you, too. I want you to be happy, and I am sorry that I met you, just to leave like this. I know it sucks that your mom did this, and now I’ve done, but it’s for the best. Quite simply, I know I don’t want to burden you with my sadness anymore, and I’m sure your mom felt the same way. I love you so much. I never thought I would get to love anyone, but I love you. I really love you. Thank you for making these last few days the best, most joyful days, I have ever had. I wish we had more time together, but I have to do this. My whole life has been spent trying to make my mother happy, and I have always known that my existence prevents her from being able to be so. With my brother or sister on the way, I don’t want them to be affected by me being there, ruining his or her life the way I have ruined hers. This is what I have to do. I love you, and thank you again for the last few days. I will tell your mom “hello.”

Love,
Tenley

By the time I read her name, I can hardly see through the tears. I can’t believe this is happening again. What is it about me that makes people not be able to live? First my mom and now her. Everyone I love feels the need to take themselves from me.

I stand up and throw her notebook across the room. It hits something and causes a crash. I fall to my knees, and my dad is once again at my side reassuring me that everything will be alright. But it won’t. Nothing will ever be alright again.

I don’t know how to do this again. I don’t know how to breathe without knowing she is okay. I can’t stand that I didn’t just take her away the second she told me about her mom.

My dad leaves to go home and shower and change at some point, but time is running together now. He tries to get me to go with him, but I’m not leaving Tenley here alone. I know they have called her mother, and I know she should have been here by now. She should be sitting here in tears, hoping and praying that her daughter is going to be healthy again.

The longer I sit here without her mother showing up, the more pissed I get. They still won’t tell me anything other than the fact that she is alive, despite the fact that I have yelled at several different people. And with every person I ask, I get more and more irritated. I don’t know if she is being kept alive by a machine, if she is going to recover, or if she is sitting in a room having tea and crumpets, completely fine. I need to know, and I have a right to know. I am the only person in this world who truly loves her, and that should count for something.

I call my dad to tell him to go to Tenley’s house to talk to Jessica, and he picks up just to say, “I’m in the lobby, I’ll be right up.”

I am pacing the waiting room when he walks back in.

“You’re going to want to sit down.”

“Why, what’s going on? Did you hear something about Tenley? Is she okay?

“Just sit.” I don’t know how, but I manage to sit down as he sits next to me. He has that look on his face that he always has when he is about to tell me something I don’t want to hear.

“I stopped by their house and talked to Jessica.”

“Is she coming?” I interrupt.

“Just, let me finish. When they got her into the ambulance, she was barely breathing and her heart had slowed way down. She had so many pills on her bed that they didn’t know how much or what she took. She crashed twice on the way here but they were able to bring her back and keep her alive until they got here. They pumped her stomach as soon as they arrived to try to get out as much as they could. They were able to get a look at the pills that were left, and judging by what was there, they don’t think she took enough of anything to do any permanent damage; however, they said every case is different. They really won’t know anything for sure until she wakes up. “

“Oh my God, can I see her?” I say, standing and walking toward the door.

“No, Chase, you need to let me finish,” he says sternly. I sit back down.

“Jessica isn’t coming to the hospital, and she has given the hospital strict instructions not to let anyone else see Tenley. She feels that she did this to get attention, and she doesn’t want to give her any. Tenley is still unconscious, but even when she does wake up, we can’t see her. She is being watched twenty-four hours a day to make sure that she doesn’t wake up and do anything stupid. I can only imagine that if she tried to kill herself, she isn’t going to be happy to wake up in a hospital. Jessica did say that she doesn’t feel like she can handle the stress of having her around anymore. She is concerned that Tenley might do something to harm her or the baby, so she is trying to find a family member who would be willing to take her.”

“Did she call her grandparents? I know they would take her. Tenley told me all about them! Her mom has alienated the rest of her family, so I don’t know who else she could have possibly called.”

“Chase, I don’t know who she called and who she didn’t. What I know is that she isn’t taking this seriously at all, and she is playing the victim in all of this saying that it has caused her a lot of stress and that she is very worried about the baby.”

“The baby? What baby? She’s pregnant?? She doesn’t give two shits about the daughter she has, and she is bringing another child into the world?! What the hell is wrong with her?”

“Chase, I need you to calm down.”

“I will not calm down. No wonder Tenley felt like she had to kill herself! She probably couldn’t stand the thought of her mother being able to do this all again! Oh my God, that’s why she was so upset this morning. Damn it, I should have asked. DAMN IT!”

“Let’s just hope that she is going to be a better mother to this child. She does seem very concerned for the baby’s welfare.”

“Who cares about the damn baby? Her daughter is in the hospital and just tried to kill herself!” I yell.

“Chase, you need to calm down. There is nothing we can do at this point.”

“Bullshit. Take me home. I am going to go give that woman a piece of my mind.”

“You and I both know that isn’t going to do any good. We need to do what’s best for Tenley right now, and that is to not piss her mother off any further. When she wakes up, we will know more; but for now, we just have to wait.

I know my dad is right, but I made Tenley a promise. And I intend to keep it. I don’t know what she was thinking, trying to kill herself. She knows I love her and that I would do anything for her, doesn’t she? I guess for now I need to just be grateful that I was able to find her and that she is alive.

The thought of losing both of the only women I have ever loved is too much to bear. How is it that neither of them knew how much I loved them?

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Tenley

I
open my eyes,
and I am all alone in a hospital room. It appears to be dark outside, but I have no idea what day it is. My head is pounding, and everything is a bit foggy. I am lucid enough to know that I have failed at killing myself, however, and there is part of me that is glad I didn’t succeed and a part of me that is unsure of what will happen now.

I don’t know how long I lay there before a nurse came in.

“My name is Katie. I am your nurse. You gave us quite a scare there. Can you tell me your name?”

“Tenley,” I croak, but it is barely audible.

She reaches over and grabs a glass with some water in it and puts the straw up to my mouth. “Your throat is going to be a little sore. We had to pump your stomach, which required us to put a tube down your throat. The water should help, though.

“Other than that, how are you feeling?” she asks sweetly.

“My head hurts,” I say quietly.

“That is what we, in the medical profession, like to call a hangover. You drank quite a bit of tequila and swallowed a lot of pills. You are very lucky to be alive. If your boyfriend and his dad hadn’t found you, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be here.”

Chase. Chase found me. Chase saved me. He said he would, and he did.

A small smile creeps onto my face.

“Is he here?” I ask, trying to look around her out of the window.

“No, sweetie. You are not allowed to have any visitors right now.”

“What? Why?”

“We need you to focus on getting better, figuring out why you did this, and making sure we get you to a place where you won’t feel like you need to do this again. Your mom will be able to come and visit once we determine what the best way to get you better is.”

“She won’t come,” I whisper.

“Oh honey, I’m sure she will come.”

“She is the reason I did this; she doesn’t give a shit about me at all. It doesn’t matter. So what happens now?”

“Well, since you tried to kill yourself, we will be moving you to the psych ward for kids. There, you will have counseling sessions with a group and one on one with a doctor to try to figure out why you felt like this was your only option. You will have sessions with your mom and the doctor to try to figure out how to make your life better so that you don’t feel this is necessary to try again. For now, we have Anne here sitting with you just to make sure you are doing alright.”

She gestures over to the corner; and I notice a woman who must have been sitting there the whole time, but I hadn’t noticed. She is sitting quietly in the corner. She gives me a small wave and a kind smile, so I give her a weak smile back.

“She isn’t here to do anything other than sit with you and make sure you are safe.”

“Great, sounds… just… great.”

“It won’t be so bad. You just try to get some rest. Tomorrow, the doctors will come in and meet you, and we will start figuring out the best way to get you better. For now, though, your only job is to rest.”

With that, she walks out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts, although Anne remains quietly in the corner. Immediately, I am thinking about Chase. I want to see him, I want to tell him I’m sorry. I don’t even know if he cares; maybe my trying to kill myself was too much for him. Maybe he is done with me now. I hope not. I know I can’t do this without him. Hell, I couldn’t do it with him.

I know in my head that even though no one is allowed to visit, my mother wouldn’t be here anyway. I’m sure she is just pissed that I couldn’t be successful, even at this one deed. I fail at everything, however, so why would this be any different? Chase was there to save me, just like he said he would.

I wish that I wanted to live, but I don’t. I still can’t imagine living with this incredible sadness always inside of me somewhere, wanting to get out. I know Chase could make me happy, but I also know that I could never bring him the happiness he deserves. After everything he has gone through with his mom, I don’t want him to have to be with me, constantly worried about what I am feeling. I picture this life with us together where his day and his emotions are solely based on my feelings, and I hate that. I hate knowing that I can’t be normal. I just want to be happy and to make him happy, but I don’t know how to do any of that.

My thoughts are still with Chase as I drift off to sleep, wondering what tomorrow will bring.

*

When I wake up, it takes me a second to remember where I am and why. However, the grogginess I feel is a quick reminder. I look over at the clock which reads 6:32. I remember that Anne was in the corner and peak over to see if she is still there, and she is. It is a weird feeling to have a person just sitting in the corner watching you. It’s creepy really, any way you look at it.

“You really have to just sit there?” I ask.

“Yep. Just to make sure you don’t try to hurt yourself again.”

“How long do you have to do this?”

“Until the next person gets here,” she responds. She is friendly when she is talking to me, but it’s clear that she isn’t really here to talk to me. I decide to stop trying.

Only a moment passes, and the nurse comes into the room. She introduces herself and takes all of my vitals. She doesn’t really say much, and that is fine by me, as I am not really a morning person anyway. “The doctor will be in to go over some considerations with you in just a few minutes,” she says in a very official tone, and then she is out of the door just as quickly as she came in.

An hour passes before the doctor finally comes in. He is an older gentleman, probably in his early fifties, but he has kind eyes that bring me a little comfort. I am still not sure what any of this means, if they are concerned about me or if they have talked to my mother and believe her lies about me. But they do this for a living, and I am sure they will be able to see through her.

Hi, Tenley, my name is Dr. Mihalus. I am one of the doctors who has been assigned to your case. How are you feeling?”

“Just a little tired,” I respond quietly. I am really scared of what might happen next, but I don’t want to say that, not out loud.

“Okay, well, let me explain what is going to happen now that you are awake. Since you are an attempted suicide case, we will spend the next few days talking to you to determine what we need to do next. Basically, that means that we put you in a room with nothing in it that you can use to hurt yourself. We will spend a lot of time talking with you and with your mom to figure out what to do next and to make sure you are safe. Someone like Anne will be here with you at all times just to make sure you are okay. Once we spend some time with you, we will know more about what to do next. Usually that means either we keep you in the hospital until we can be sure you don’t feel that you need to try this again, or we release you with certain stipulations such as outpatient therapy. Do you have any questions at this point?” he asks nicely.

“Well, no one can visit for the next few days at least. We use this time to determine what caused you to do this and what you need from us to prevent it from happening again. Once we get through this, if we decide that you need to stay for longer, usually you would be allowed visitors during certain times; however, we have already spoken to your mother, and since she is your legal guardian, she has the right to prevent you from having any other visitors. She has told us that she doesn’t want you to have any visitors other than her because she really wants you to focus solely on getting better.”

It is important for me to keep calm, so I don’t say what I am thinking. I just nod and focus on holding back my tears. It is typical that she would make sure I can’t see anyone. She controls me the same way at home, so I don’t know why this would be any different.

He explains further what I should expect and then tells me that he and some other doctors will be in and out all day asking questions and basically just getting to know me. He reassures me that everything will be fine and that I should not be nervous, but should simply be honest about what I am feeling so that they can help me. After that explanation, he gets up and leaves me alone in the room to wait for the nurse.

My thoughts jump to Chase again as soon as he leaves the room. I want to see him; I want to hear his voice, anything. I hate that he is the one who found me, and now I have no way of knowing what he is thinking. I just want to know that he isn’t angry at me for this.

I still feel terrible physically. Emotionally though, I can now see that suicide is not the answer. My mother may be a bitch, but that isn’t reason enough to ruin my life any further. She has done the best she can do with that already; there is no need for me to help.

I can stop this. I can’t control how she treats me, but I can change the way it affects me. And I refuse to let her win anymore. This is my life to live or to take, and for the first time in my life, I choose to live. Not for her, not to spite her, but for me. Because I deserve to have the life that I want.

I know circumstances will be different when I go home. I just don’t know if they will be better or worse. As long as I am honest with the doctors and they don’t fall for her crap, I don’t see how they can send me home to her, however. I’m still not entirely sure how someone hasn’t removed me from her custody before now, but this is my chance to make them see her for who she really is.

If I can just focus on Chase, our relationship and the happiness it brings to both of us, then I know I can make it the two years until I graduate. Unless of course he goes away to college somewhere far away. Then I don’t know what I will do. I can’t think about that, however. I have to focus on right now and how to make these doctors see that as long as I am not with her, I am not in danger of hurting myself again.

My happiness has always been so dependent upon her and what she was doing to me, that I have never stopped to think about anything else. I have never thought about what I want to do when I grow up or if I want to go to college. I have given being a mother enough thought that I know that I don’t want to have kids if that means I can’t break the cycle. If I am going to bring a child into this world, it isn’t going to be because I was forced to in any way; it’s going to be because the child is wanted and because I am ready to give myself wholeheartedly and put him or her first. My world will revolve around that child. The child will know at all times that he or she is loved. And never ever question that. At this moment, I don’t know if I will ever be able to love someone like that. But I hope I can. In my mind I have always struggled between wondering why I was born into this horrible situation and forced to deal with all of these circumstances and believing that maybe I have been put into this life and this situation for a reason. And maybe that reason is because I am strong enough to take what has been done to me, and turn it into something beautiful, like loving a child the way a child should always be loved.

This stay in the hospital and the time in which Dr. Mihalus said they will be focusing on me and my feelings is my chance to change my life. I saw a poster a long time ago that said, “If you don’t like where you are, change it. You are not a tree.” At the time, I didn’t really get it, but I do now.

With my mind focused on taking control of my life and a renewed sense of hope, I have gone from nervous to excited. These doctors are here to help me. And that is exactly what I am going to let them do.