Coalescence - SF3 (48 page)

"I’m not sure I can move," he admitted. "These are works of art, Ryan. Are you sure he doesn’t mind?"

"He left a note asking me to drive them, so I’m sure he doesn’t mind."

"Then what are we waiting for?" he asked with a glimmer in his eye.

Ryan let Conor drive each of the cars in the collection. He was truly in his element when he drove a hot car, paying rapt attention to every detail of the experience. Ryan could tell that he was listening to each of the individual elements of the car, gauging their performance as he put each one through its paces, turning them quickly to judge their turning radius, mashing down on the brakes to determine their stopping power. He got each car up well over the speed limit, but she felt perfectly safe because of his dexterity with the machines. He pushed each one, but never past its limit.

Tooling down U.S. 1 in the GTO, Conor grew pensive. "Do you have a read on Jamie’s parents yet?"

"Mmm, I’m not sure what you mean." The growl of the engine forced her to raise her voice a little higher than normal.

"I guess I wonder how they’re going to be about you two." It was clear that Conor was a little worried about his sister, and Ryan sought to reassure him.

"It’s really hard to tell, Conor," she advised. "There have been some positive signs though. I met her Dad after the ride and he was very friendly. He knows that I’m gay, and he knows that one of the reasons for Jamie’s breakup was because of her relationship with me."

"Yeah, but he’s a lawyer, Sis, you know they can make you think they’re your friend while they stab you in the back."

"Hey, Bren is a lawyer, too! He’s not like that!"

"He’s not the head honcho of a big firm either, Ryan," Conor reminded her.

She nodded her head at the truth of that statement. "Well, even if he’s being disingenuous, her mom tried to pry the truth out of Jamie, and she didn’t seem upset at the time. Jamie says she knows lots of gay people, so I’m hoping that she’ll be cool."

Conor gave her a small smile and patted her leg. "I wish this was easier for you, Ryan. It just pisses me off that it has to be an issue at all. You would be such a great addition to any family…" His voice trailed off as he found it difficult to comprehend why anyone would try to subvert the obvious bond between his sister and her partner.

"Hey, don’t worry about it, Con. No matter what happens, Jamie’s a member of our family now. The worst things the Evans's can do are stop speaking to Jamie or withhold her money. I don’t wish for either of those things to happen, but if they do, it won’t affect the way we feel for each other."

Conor shot his sister a fond smile. "Jamie’s still a pretty good choice, even with no dough," he admitted.

"She’s a damn good choice if she were ten million in debt!" Ryan decreed with just a touch of hyperbole.

When he finished with each of the vintage cars, Conor’s lustful blue eyes lingered over the Acura. "Okay," Ryan said slowly, as she tossed the keys to him. "Here’s the keys, but be very, very careful with this one. We’d have to become Mr. Evans’ personal slaves if you wrecked it."

His eyes lit up as he snatched the keys out of the air and slid into the black leather seat, almost in the same motion. A deep sigh of pleasure came from his lungs, and Ryan smiled at the look of supreme satisfaction on his handsome face. As he turned over the engine he looked at her dreamily and said, "This is better than sex."

As the car backed out of the garage Ryan replied, "You, my boyo, have been having sex with the wrong people."

"Come on, Ryan," he argued. "You love cars nearly as much as I do. Are you telling me that driving this baby didn’t make you hot?"

For the tenth time that day Ryan blushed deeply, causing Conor to laugh at her embarrassment. "You didn’t do it
in
the car, did you?" He was having a very good time at her expense, but his teasing was gentle, and sprinkled with a good helping of envy, so Ryan didn’t get angry.

She paused for a minute, debating whether or not to tell him the whole story. She had always been very open about her sex life, and even though she neither wanted nor needed to talk about her intimate life in detail, she had to admit that she liked having Conor as a confidante. She let a sly smile escape, as she replied, "No, not in the car, but I will admit that we couldn’t wait to get home. We stopped at a motel." She couldn’t stop the adolescent giggle that accompanied her revelation.

"You know, Ryan," he said as he narrowed his blue eyes at her, "you’re not making me any less jealous by telling me these things. You’ve got a gorgeous, smart, funny, rich girlfriend, who can cook no less, and she’s as hot as a pistol!"

"It’s all true, Conor," she admitted. "I haven’t been able to find a fault in her yet. I keep waiting for the police to show up and tell me she’s a con woman perpetrating a massive fraud on this naive rich couple, but so far she’s legit."

"I’ve never been one to pry into your life, Ryan, but I’m telling you now, if you let her get away, I’m going to have you committed!"

"Not gonna happen, Bro." Her dark hair trailed over her shoulders as she tossed her head confidently. "If we ever split up, it will be her doing. I’m in for life."

"You’re really sure, aren’t you?" he asked thoughtfully.

"Absolutely positive. Jamie’s the last woman in my life." The conviction in her voice caused him to offer his little sister a fond smile.

"I’m happy for you, Ryan. I really am." As he turned to glance at her he noticed the sapphire blue diamond in her ear. "Hey, where’d you get that?" he asked as he pointed to her ear.

Her hand lifted to touch the jewel. "Little honeymoon present," she informed him with a laugh. "Jamie’s great grandmother willed a pair of diamonds to her. She had never had them set, but when we fell in love she had them put in this setting and she gave them to me on Monday. I didn’t feel right taking them, since they’re a part of her family, so I made her a deal: I’d wear one if she wore one. We went out yesterday and each got another piercing so we can wear normal earrings too."

As she turned her head he noticed that she wore both diamonds. "Why do you have both on?"

"Until the new piercing heals we have to leave a sterile stud in. Jamie wanted to wear a pair of gold ones today, so I’m holding hers for safekeeping."

"How did you hold up when you got it pierced?" he asked gently, knowing his sister’s propensity for fainting at the sight of needles.

"I went out like a light," she admitted, laughing at her foible. "I can hear Da now, ‘That’s your punishment for desecrating your body, Siobhán. If the good Lord wanted you to have another hole in your head, he’d have given it to you'," she said in her perfect imitation of her father’s brogue.

"I don’t know, he might go easy on you since it’s a gift from Jamie. I don’t think she can do any wrong in his eyes."

"We’ve got to figure out a way to use her to our advantage," Ryan said carefully, blue eyes narrowing in thought. "She might be a good foil for some of our misadventures."

"Yeah, but where was she when we really needed her? We sure could have used her assistance when I helped you buy your first motorcycle."

"I can still remember the look on his face when he saw it," Ryan remembered. "I honestly thought I saw steam coming out of his ears," she laughed.

"Yeah, well, you just got yelled at. I got the ‘If you don’t love your baby sister enough to stop her from spilling her brains on the pavement’ speech."

"You’ve got to admit he’s a master at the guilt trip," Ryan said fondly.

"A legend in his own time," Conor agreed with a smile.

When all of the cars were put to bed with their covers tucked around them securely, they went back into the house. Conor wanted a quick tour and Ryan obliged, but his professional eye told him volumes about the home and the taste of the owners. He walked around the house, noting the craftsmanship of the carpentry and the quality of the fixtures and appliances. "The last house I worked on that was this well appointed was one of the mansions up in Pacific Heights. One of the chairmen of a Silicon Valley software firm paid about three mil for the house and spent another five mil fixing it up. This place isn’t as high tech as his was, but the detail in here is just as amazing."

Ryan nodded her agreement as they went from room to room. He was truly impressed with the master bath. "These people spend their money on quality stuff," he said. "I really like this Japanese toilet," he said as he indicated the strange commode that Ryan had seen, but not commented on.

"What’s the deal with this?" she asked.

"It’s a regular toilet and a bidet all in one. It saves you from having to have separate fixtures, which really comes in handy in older homes where space is at a premium."

"Oh, I’ve never used a bidet," Ryan said excitedly. "Meet me outside," she instructed. "I’ve gotta try this out."

Conor laughed at her excitement, but did as he was instructed. Moments later she emerged with a crooked grin on her face, "That was…different," she said slowly.

"I would imagine they’d take a little while to get used to," he admitted, as he returned her grin.

They finished their tour in the kitchen. Conor spent a few minutes looking at the butler’s pantry, again marveling at the efficiency of the design. "They spent some bucks hiring a good designer," he said. "In an older home like this you really need to hire someone who knows their stuff."

"Jamie’s mom is really into the house. I assume it was her pet project to have it done right. And when money is no object, I guess you can take as much time as you need to have it done the way you want it."

"How do you feel about her money?" he asked seriously. "Has it been hard to get used to?"

"We’ve just started to work on that," Ryan admitted. "We’re both going to have to give a little bit on the issue."

"Does it bother Jamie that you don’t have any money?" He was reticent to ask this question, but the thought had been worrying him, so he decided to find out.

"No, not at all. She has a great attitude about their money. She feels like it’s an accident of birth, rather than anything she’s entitled to. It’s gonna be a big adjustment, since she wants to be able to spend more on me than I’m comfortable with. Like these earrings," she said as an example. "I can’t even imagine how much these are worth. And she bought me some clothes the other day that must have cost a ton. She practically crawled on the counter to stop me from seeing the receipt," she said with a chuckle. "I don’t feel comfortable having her spend lots of money on me, so we’re going to have to work on it to reach an agreement."

"Well, I understand that it might be tricky to work out, but you’ve got to admit it’s a hell of a problem to have. ‘My rich girlfriend buys me too many nice things,’ next on Jerry Springer."

Ryan laughed as she admitted that it wasn’t a terrible problem to tackle. "But one neat thing is that we’re going to work together to find a way to distribute a lot of her money to a cause that we both support. We haven’t decided how to do it, but I’m excited about having the opportunity to help other people."

"I think you two are going to be a force to be reckoned with, Sis," he said admiringly as he wrapped his arm around her waist and gave her a squeeze.

Jamie arrived in Palo Alto nearly an hour before the graduation was set to begin. She had decided that she would sit alone, not wanting to make the Townsend family uncomfortable. She didn’t know what, if anything, Jack had told them about their breakup, but she wanted to avoid any unpleasant questions. Although they were very nice people, and she knew they would not consciously offend her, she knew that if they knew about Ryan they might feel obligated to say something, and she wasn’t in the mood to discuss her lover with them.

She strolled around the law school campus, reminiscing about all the good times she and Jack had shared at the school. Passing by the administration building, she recalled going with him for his first registration, when he was nervous about his new adventure. They had only been dating a short while and they hadn’t yet learned much about each other. They stood together in the various lines, her hand resting on his back. Her presence seemed to soothe him, and by the end of the day he was his normal, confident self. That day had done a lot to cause her to fall in love with him. The fact that he was not only willing to share his vulnerability with her, but was also willing to let her help him through it, was completely charming to her.

She let her mind wander through their three years together. It became clear to her, in retrospect, why she had fallen in love with him. He was so like her father, it was almost eerie. But he was a little bit more emotionally available than her father had been. Perhaps that was only because he was a student, and didn’t have the demands of work that her father had. She suspected that in reality, her father was absent because he needed the space. She knew that he loved her and her mother, but she guessed that he could only handle small amounts of that love at a time. Jack seemed to have a larger capacity for closeness, but he still had a lot of her father’s quiet reserve. She thought that was what made him feel so safe and comfortable, almost from the start.

Since she had never allowed herself to acknowledge her innate attraction to women, she had never known the power of fierce sexual attraction. Because of this, she had felt that the desire she had for Jack was what everyone felt. She had found a good man who would be a good father; it made sense to snatch him up while he was still available. She had to acknowledge that being with Jack had prevented her from exploring her deep, hidden feelings. She would never have cheated on Jack, no matter how strong the attraction, and the thought occurred to her that perhaps she was subconsciously trying to permanently remove the possibility of succumbing to her latent desires. Perhaps taking the lesbian sexuality class was a sign from her subconscious to burst out of the confines of her safe choice and take a risk. Whatever the reason, she knew it was the best decision that she had ever made.

Jamie walked past the area where the graduates were lining up, many of them posing for pictures with their families. She thought she spotted Jack’s tall blond head, and as she came closer she saw that her guess was correct. He was standing with his parents and getting ready to pose for some pictures. He looked so handsome in his cap and gown that she felt a small stirring of emotion that took her by surprise. His gown was black, but he wore a cowl of a deep burgundy and white, along with a gold cord that she knew symbolized an honor. She assumed he would receive honors for being editor of the main law review, but he might have merited other commendations that she was unaware of. She felt a pang of loss at not even knowing how his last semester had gone, a sharp pain deep in the pit of her stomach.

Fighting to control her emotions, she was struck with the thought that she had given herself to this man. She knew now that she had not given of herself totally, but she had not known that at the time. It was deeply painful to watch him move on through his life without her, even though she was so much happier now. There was a part of herself that she had permanently given to Jack; she could never hope to reclaim that part, and she wasn’t sure that she wanted to. The things they shared were all in the past now, but they were important to her. She wanted to treasure the good times they had together and mourn the bad ones.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and decided to go say hello before the ceremony began. Just as she took one step towards him, she saw why they had been waiting to take the pictures. His law review partner, Natalie, approached the group. Jamie watched, transfixed, as Natalie walked up and slid her arms around him and gave him a very, very friendly kiss.

Jamie stood, unable to move, as Natalie greeted Mr. and Mrs. Townsend. Her legs felt so weak that she nearly collapsed before she could stumble to a bench and collect herself. Every rational thought in her head screamed at her to leave at that moment. But the urge to observe the pair tugged at her like the need to look at a car wreck.

Fighting back her tears of outrage, Jamie stared at the happy graduates. Natalie and Jack posed with their arms around each other as Mr. Townsend snapped a few pictures. Jamie was in the middle of a fierce debate with herself over her desire to go take a swing at her former fiancé when the graduates were called to line up for the procession. Jack gave Natalie a very tender kiss as she moved away to find her proper place in line. As she stared at the besotted man, she felt her stomach turn when she recalled him kissing her in exactly the same fashion. Jamie watched his face as he watched Natalie walk away. Two
months ago that look was reserved for me
, she thought as the flames of jealousy burned at her soul.
Or was it? Maybe he always felt that way for Natalie.
She remembered the long afternoons and even longer nights that they spent together working on their article.
He was very defensive when I compared my relationship with Ryan to his relationship with Natalie
, she thought suspiciously.
I swear that if I find out he was screwing around behind my back, I’ll kill him!!

She found Natalie in the crowd and spent a few minutes looking at her, feeling an overwhelming sense of hatred for the oblivious woman. She was tall, about 5’10" or so. Her long auburn hair curled around her shoulders, and her figure, although mostly hidden by the robes, looked to be as attractive as Jamie remembered.

As the graduates began to walk toward the stage she debated whether she should leave immediately, or stay to cause a massive scene. Her irrational jealousy was beginning to overpower her and she had to fight with herself to go sit down and think things through before she left. She walked to the very rear of the gathered families and found a bench behind the neatly arranged folding chairs, just barely able to hear the speakers as they began the ceremony.

She sat quietly and tried to still her raging thoughts, taking several deep breaths as she tried to focus her rational mind.
Okay, what you know is this
, she thought.
You know that you were largely unavailable to Jack because of your growing feelings for Ryan. You know that you pushed him away and began to give more of yourself to her. You know that he wanted to be closer to you. You know that he was more than willing to have you back, but you would have had to give up the dream of being with Ryan. And you know that being with Ryan is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Here she dropped her head in shame as she recalled their last conversation.
He went out of his way to call you and wish you well. He genuinely wanted to know that you were happy. You
are
happy, Jamie. You’re happier than a person has any right to be. Why can’t you be as loving to him as he was to you? Doesn’t he deserve that after all that you put him through? You did break his heart.
A wry smirk crossed her face as she amended that detail.
Obviously, his heart wasn’t terribly broken, or he’s a really fast healer.

Focusing her thoughts on being her most generous self, she thought,
You owe him your thanks and your appreciation for all that you meant to each other. Be the person that you would admire. Go up to him and wish him well, and mean it!

She concentrated on this mantra for the rest of the ceremony. When Jack’s name was called she found herself standing and applauding enthusiastically for him. No matter what had happened to them as a couple, she knew that there was not a person at Stanford that had worked harder to get where he was than Jack Townsend. Even though she did not feel responsible for his efforts, she had to acknowledge that her two and a half years of support made a difference in the effort that he could expend, and she took some small measure of pride in having been there for him.

Jack’s name was near the end of the alphabet, and since she knew that the ceremony would be over soon, she left her bench and went to the reception area, feeling the need to see him quickly so that she could leave before her good thoughts evaporated.

As the joyous graduates passed, she reached in and grabbed him from the queue. He was totally shocked, but as his initial surprise faded, he seemed genuinely pleased to see her. He wrapped his arms around her, and the comfort and familiarity that she felt in his embrace shocked her so much that she began to cry. "I’m so proud of you, Jack," she sobbed. He patted her back and murmured comforting words to her, just as he had during their time together. She clutched herself to him and just let herself mourn for the sadness they had caused each other. She saw Natalie out of the corner of her eye and felt Jack tense up when he caught her glance, but when she looked up, Natalie was gone and Jack had relaxed again.

"Hey, are you all right?" he asked solicitously. "Is everything okay between you...?"

"Oh yes," she said as she shook her head. "Things are great with me, Jack. I don’t know what came over me, but seeing you today made me really feel all that we had and all that we lost. I’m so sorry for how I hurt you," she said sincerely, tears freely rolling down her cheeks.

"I’m okay, Jamie," he said soothingly. "I’m going on with my life, too," he said.

"I know," she said softly, her shoulders still shaking with the betrayal. "I saw you before the ceremony."

He looked decidedly uncomfortable with this revelation, but summoned his usual direct approach and looked right into her eyes, asking, "Does it bother you that it’s Natalie?"

She mutely nodded as the tears continued.

"I swear there was nothing between us when you and I were together, Jamie. I was devoted to you. I never would have cheated on you. You meant the world to me," he said as his own tears fell down his cheeks.

‘When?" She asked the one-word sentence that would either reassure her or prove that Jack was lying.

He took a deep breath, hoping that Jamie would believe him. He wasn’t even sure why her opinion mattered so much, but it mattered a great deal. "When we…broke up in February…she was…she was there for me, Jamie." He fixed his light blue eyes on his former lover. "It took a while…a few weeks I guess, but eventually she stopped seeming like just a friend. We were just starting to explore getting together when you…gave me another chance." His face reflected both his complete honesty and the lingering hurt that obviously still pained him.

"Did you tell her…?" Jamie’s voice trailed off, but it was important to know that Jack was honest with Natalie, too.

He laughed softly, shaking his head a little. "Yeah. I told her." He tilted his head and fixed Jamie with a gaze that she had seen hundreds of times on his handsome face. "She wasn’t happy with me." He paused a beat and added with a twinkle in his eye, "But if I were you I’d stay out of dark alleys when she’s around. She kinda thinks you’re evil incarnate."

"ME!" Jamie was stunned that she had turned out to be the bad guy in this little soap opera. But after just a minute of reflection, she had to admit that she was entirely to blame for jerking Jack around during their futile reconciliation. "I’m glad that she’s angry at me, rather than you," she admitted, smiling up into his eyes when he shot her a grateful grin. "She won’t be angry with you about me being here, will she?"

"No, don’t worry about that." He gave her his most charming boyish grin as he assured her, "She’s very easy to get along with. You’re the only person I’ve ever heard her say a bad word about."

"That’s very reassuring, Jack," she said with a bit of her sparkle showing again.

"I’m glad that you understand, Jamie. I need to move on, and I think Natalie is going to be good for me. I hope you know that I would do anything not to hurt you." Without thought, he raised his hand and trailed his fingers down the side of her face, brushing his thumb against her lips in an achingly familiar gesture.

Her shaky composure shattered, she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I loved you, Jack, and part of me always will," she whispered fiercely into his flushed ear. "I gave you everything I had to give, even though I now know that it wasn’t all I was capable of. I’m so very sorry it couldn’t work out. But I truly want you to be happy, and if Natalie can do that for you, then I’m glad."

Releasing him, she reached into her purse and pulled out the gift she had brought. "I hope you enjoy all of the happiness that you deserve, Jack. Take care of yourself." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, relishing the feel of his smooth skin one last time. By the time he composed himself enough to reply, she was gone.

Jamie spent the next several hours driving around Palo Alto, passing all of the places that they went to as a couple. She got out of her car and walked around the campus for a while, finally finding the grove of trees where Jack had proposed to her. She sat on the bench where countless students had declared their love and cried until she had no more tears to shed. She felt absolutely empty—her emotions overwhelmed and raw. It took a while, but she finally composed herself. Almost as if her car was on automatic pilot, she drove by Jack’s apartment and sat out in front for a long while, remembering when she helped him move in.