Cockpit: A Second Chance Romance (12 page)

And why her father had asked me if I liked kids.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She was staring at the floor, the wall, anywhere but at me.

"At first I thought you would run. That we were just having fun, and that if I told you, it would ruin it."

She looked at me.

"Everything I'd heard about you. Everything I thought you were. I thought that was the last thing you would want."

I swallowed, getting a very strange feeling in the pit of my belly.

"I won't run. I don't care who you were with before. As long as you're with me, now."

She looked away and I knew- I knew before she even said anything that she was about to crush me.
 

And then she did.

Her eyes were shining as she lifted them to mine.

"That's just the thing, Jagger. I wasn't with anyone else."

I stared at her, uncomprehending.

Then I got it.
I got it.
I closed me eyes, one thought running through my head over and over again.

"You mean-"

"You're her daddy."

I was a father. Me. The wildest fixed-wing pilot to serve in a decade. The never-settling-down type. The eternal bachelor.

I was a daddy.

The first thing I felt was happiness. Pure, shining and bright. Jenny and I had a baby. Together.

Then it hit me. She hadn't told me. The kid was - what - almost a year old? I'd missed out on all of that time. I hadn't gotten the chance to be there for her.

For either one of them.

"What the fuck, Jenny?"

"I'm sorry Jagger. I... didn't expect to fall in love with you."

"You should have told me! Right fucking away!"

I stood up and started pacing. I was furious. How could she keep this from me? I could have come home for the birth of our child. I could have been involved. But- she hadn't wanted me.

So I'd missed
everything
.

She was wringing her hands, fighting back tears. I'd never seen her so upset. I'd never seen her be anything but strong.

Normally, I would comfort her. But right now, I didn't fucking care. I was too angry.

And what she said next made me so angry I couldn't even look at her.

"You don't have to- do anything. I don't expect you to support her- or us. I never wanted to make you feel responsible. It was my choice to... keep her."

I forced my breathing to slow down. I felt like I was in combat, my heart was racing that fast. I was so angry that I took a step away from her, afraid to be too close.

If she touched me, I knew I would shatter.

"Are you shitting me? I'm not responsible?
For my own child?
"

She took a step towards me, reaching out with her hand.

"You could be- if you wanted to. I was always going to tell you, Jagger. I just-"

"You have a lot of fucking nerve, Jenny."

"I- what?"

Jenny

✈

"You kept her from me. Even after I told you I didn't have a family."

Jagger was staring at me with clear cold eyes. He'd been confused at first. Then upset.

Now he was full on furious.

No, he was past furious. He looked at me like I was a stranger. Like he hated me.

"You kept my daughter from me.
"

"If I thought you would have wanted her- or us- I would have-"

"Shut up!"

He held his head in his hands, leaning against the wall. I could see he was trying to wrap his head around it. Trying to calm himself down.

"I don't understand. Are you saying that you want her? You want our little girl?"

He didn't look at me when he nodded.

"Yeah, Jenny. I fucking want our little girl."

He looked at me and I took a step back from the withering ice in his gaze.

"But I'm not sure I want you."

My jaw dropped.

"Because I didn't tell you?"

"You lied to me. You lied to me and you used me."

"Please Jagger... let me explain. Let me-"

I reached out to touch him but he flinched away.

"No! I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you."

"Why?"

The word was torn out of my chest, leaving a huge gaping hole full of pain. He laughed bitterly, still leaning his hands on the wall.

"You truly believed I would abandon a child. After what happened to me. After everything I told you."

He looked at me then. And I knew it. I felt it in my gut.

I'd lost him.

"You don't know me at all, Jenny."

I gripped the kitchen counter, wishing that this was a dream. A dream I could wake up from. But it wasn't. I'd hidden from the truth and now it was here, destroying everything in its path.

Destroying
us.

"I tried to tell you! So many times!"

"You should have tried
harder.
"

I choked back a sob. I would not cry. Not when it turned out he did want our little girl. I'd been so stupid. So wrong.

And now I was losing him.

"You can see her anytime you want, Jagger. I would never- never try to keep you from..."

But I had. I had deprived him of the chance to prove me wrong. To watch her grow up.

To love her.

He was watching me coldly. A bitter smile was on his lips. As if he knew what I was thinking.

"I think you should leave."

I nodded jerkily, grabbing my purse and walking towards the door on wooden legs. He watched me go then he followed me out onto the street. I realized that in his twisted way, he was being a gentleman. For the last time ever, he was walking me home.

The whole way across the base, I was fighting back tears. Trying to hide them. But I shouldn't have worried. He never came close enough to see me cry.

He walked half a block behind me. I glanced over my shoulder as I walked up my front path. He stood there in the street, looking broken.

I wanted to hold him. To tell him I was sorry. I wanted to beg for his forgiveness.

Instead, I put my key in the lock, and turned it.

When I looked back, he was gone.

Chapter Sixteen

Jagger

✈

I stared at the ceiling, thanking God that it was the weekend. Not that I had a lot to be grateful for. Not after I'd thought I found someone who loved me as much as I loved her.

What a joke.

She saw me as a playboy. Someone to pass the time with. Someone for fun.

Meanwhile, I'd been planning to spend the rest of my life with her.

I rubbed my face. I would have to see her. If I was going to be in the kid's life.

Not the kid. A daughter.
My daughter.

Hallie...

I closed my eyes, trying to pull up every time I'd seen her. I'd thought she was a remarkably pretty child. No surprise there, considering the gene's Jenny had passed down to her.

But... mine too. Somewhere in that sweet baby girl, was a touch of Derek Jagger. Maybe more than a touch. Maybe a whole hell of a lot.

I shook my head. I was a father. And I wasn't going to be an absentee one either. That meant I'd have to see Jenny. Watch her with someone else eventually.

Someone she considered worthy.

Unlike me.

I didn't think I could bear it to tell the truth. But then I thought about that little baby. Her eyes had been aqua. As if you'd mixed my blues with Jenny's greens.

So beautiful it made my insides twist up.

I couldn't wait to hold her. I grimaced as I rolled over. I was sore from the fight. I'd been up half the night, trying to drink away the memories. But thanks to all my years in the military I'd been up at the crack of dawn, feeling lower than the lowest scumbag on the planet.

Jenny didn't think I was good enough. Not for more than playing around. I was just... a stud to amuse her.

I rolled over, moaning at my sore ribs. My phone was on silent. She'd called and texted me numerous times.

They all said the same thing.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I shook my head. She wasn't sorry. She was not the girl I'd thought she was. She might be brave and beautiful- raising a kid alone was hard. I knew that.

It's not like she gave it up.

But... she'd lied. And lied and lied and lied.

Even as I wanted to reach for the phone, to tell her I forgave her, to tell her to come over so I could kiss her and hold her and bury myself inside her beautiful body and never come out again... Even as all that welled up inside me, I knew it wouldn't work.

No matter how good we were together in bed, that one fact would remain.

She didn't think I was good enough.

And nothing on Earth could change her mind.

Maybe if I proved to her I could be a good dad... if I showed up early every single time it was my turn. Bought the kid lots of presents and new stuff. Taught her to ride her first bike... maybe then Jenny would see that I could be good enough for Hallie.

For both of them.

Even as I started to get excited about that idea, I knew that it was wrong. I
would
be a good dad. But I wouldn't do it for her.

I'd do it for Hallie.

The rest of it, well, the chips would fall where they may.

There was only one person I could talk to about this. One person who would understand how I felt. I picked up my phone, flinching at the number of missed calls and called Suzy.

Jenny

✈

I bent down, sweeping the broken glass off the floor of the stock room. I hadn't slept at all last night. Mattress rattling sobs tend to keep a girl up all night. But I had still peeled myself off the bed this morning, looked after my daughter and headed in to work.

I couldn't leave the mess from the fight for someone else to clean up.

It was my mess. And I was taking responsibility for all of it.

Margie walked in, leaning against the doorway with her arms folded.

"You look terrible."

"I know. I'm... sorry about all of this Margie."

She shook me off.

"Think nothing of it. It's a bar. Fights happen."

She helped me finish cleaning the stock room. Then she flicked her head and told me to take a seat at the bar.

"Now. Tell me what's wrong."

I took a shaky breath. In and out Jenny. I was scared though. I knew saying it out loud would make it more... real.

"Jagger broke up with me."

She made a snorting sound.

"I don't believe it. That man is head over nuts in love with you."

I shook my head.

"He won't even answer my calls, Margie."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

She stared at me, frowning.

"What the hell did you do? Another man? That don't seem like you, honey."

"No. Something... something worse."

Her eyebrows shot straight up. Then she pulled out two shot glasses and a bottle of tequila and set them on the bar. She poured us each a shot and handed me one.

"Drink."

I drank. Hallie would get formula tonight. It wouldn't hurt her. The doctor had said it was fine to mix it up. I was so numb that I was barely thinking or feeling at this point.

"Now talk."

"I- I have a kid. A little girl. Her name is Hallie. She's ten months old now."

She poured us another drink and we tipped it back. The liquid burned my throat. I wanted to feel the sting of it though. I felt myself start to loosen up.

"And?"

"I didn't tell him."

"Okay. That's not great, but not break up bad."

I looked at her.

"I didn't tell him... that Hallie was his."

She poured me another drink. I sipped this one.

"I'm sure you had your reasons. Stupid reasons. But reasons."

"I'm an idiot. I thought... I thought he was going to hurt me. So I just..."

"Lied."

"Evaded."

She shook her head.

"No, honey. You lied."

This time I reached for the bottle and refilled my glass. My phone started buzzing and I leapt for it. But it was only Crystal. I told her where I was and Margie said to invite her over.

That's how three drunk redheads ended up sitting at a bar at two o'clock in the afternoon.

It sounded like the start of a dirty joke, but it was my life. And they were my friends. And I was more grateful than ever for them.

Even though they didn't let me off the hook for a second.

"You really fucked up, girlina."

Crystal tipped back her drink, biting down on a lime wedge. She'd already licked the salt off her hand.

Yep, we'd evolved all the way to lick it, slam it, suck it. Margie was swaying a little on her feet.

"I told you to tell him."

Margie looked at her.

"Wise woman. I like her."

Crystal grinned at her.

"I like you too. I'd love to get my fingers on your hair..."

I rested my spinning head on my arms. The bar was starting to tilt in an unfortunate way. I knew I'd pay for it later but I didn't care.

At the moment, I felt all floaty, even though I was still fucking sad. It was an improvement over Earth bound and ass backwards. Hell, anything would be an improvement.

But this wasn't going to last. Soon, I'd be sober. And I'd still be alone.

"What am I going to do?"

"You're going to get your man back."

"How?"

Crystal smiled at me.

"First, a makeover."

I rolled my eyes at her. But Margie was the one with the first realistic suggestion. She toasted me with a shot.

"Then, you beg."

Chapter Seventeen

Jagger

✈

I brushed my hair back off my forehead with my hand. I was standing outside Jenny's house, sweating bullets. This was an important day and I was nervous as fuck about it.

I was here to get my girl for an afternoon out.

The little one.

The door opened and I inhaled sharply as my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. Jenny stood there in a red dress. A very, very tight dress. It was very short and very low cut. I could see everything I'd been dreaming about since we split up. All those luscious curves of hers. Those gorgeous legs of her wobbled a bit in a pair of four-inch stilettos.

Also red.

She looked like a super model in a music video. Sex on wheels. Hell, she looked so hot she might burn my eyes out.