Codependent No More Workbook (21 page)

Be one of the rare people who takes personal responsibility for mistakes. Remember, guilt kills.

Be a man among men, a woman among women. If you’re wrong, say so. Promptly admit it.

There’s no other quick, daily way to use this Step. This Step was written for daily use. You’re growing and changing. Get in the habit of stopping that obsessive focus on others and become more aware of yourself.

Whenever you’re ready, feel free to move to Lesson Nine. Your hard work is over. Really. I promise. The Steps you’re at now are rewarding and fun. Said one recovering codependent and addict, “The reason I didn’t have a slip—even when I became tempted—is that I remembered how much hard work it took to work these Steps the long way,” she said. “I didn’t want to have to do it again.”

“Get quiet. Detach. Pray. Meditate.
Ask Him what He wants us to do.
Ask to be given the power to do that.
Then let go and watch what happens.”

—Codependent No More

Suggested reading: review Step Eleven in chapter 18, “Work a Twelve Step Program”

STEP ELEVEN: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

   —from the TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS

S
tep Eleven gives us many gifts. It’s uplifting. It tells us the kingdom of heaven is near.

I love this Step. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t involve the grueling drudgery of clearing out the junk from the past. Instead of looking back, we’re creating today and tomorrow. Instead of preparing ourselves to find our purpose, we’re living God’s plan for us now. This Step also comes with a guarantee, at least that’s my interpretation. We never have to do more than we can, and we’ll be given all the power we need to accomplish what we’re meant to do in God’s timing.

Undeniably, prayer changes things. One short prayer asking for help can make it possible to do something we’ve been trying unsuccessfully to do for minutes or years. We need to remember two important conditions: There’s a difference between thinking about praying and meditating, and actually doing those behaviors. Contemplating meditating is different from contemplative meditation. The second condition I’ve found, while seeking to make conscious contact with a Higher Power, is that prayers need to be humble and sincere. Saying please and thank you helps too.

Writer Earnie Larsen helped popularize this definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I would like to add my
own thoughts here. I think it is insane to put off prayer and meditation, because the results of doing Step Eleven can be so profound. Yet many of us avoid this Step. You can work this Step wherever you are and whenever you please, and it costs nothing. A way to connect with true power and good feelings doesn’t get much better or easier than that. This Step is how you become one with God’s will for you. It’s how you align your will with His Divine Plan and purpose for your life. Doesn’t it make you want to just pray and meditate right now?

We never know where God’s will might lead us. There are no limits to divine purpose. There are places to go, things to see, emotions to feel, and people to meet beyond our wildest comprehension or ability to imagine. Our future will be so different from our past that there’s no way we can visualize it. How can we when we’ve not experienced anything even close to it before?

We can get anywhere in the world from wherever we are. The vehicle that transports us from Point A—where we are now—to Point B—where we’re going—isn’t a plane, train, automobile, bus, or bicycle. It’s working the Eleventh Step.

Most people agree that praying is how we talk to God, and meditating is how we listen to Him. This Step is about communicating with our Higher Power, establishing conscious contact instead of occasionally and accidentally running into Him. It’s about doing these behaviors with discipline. Many people have heard the saying
One day at a time,
but they live their entire lives waiting for tomorrow to come. They are not present for the moment they’re in. Present-moment living doesn’t hold us back. It’s how we soar. We stop focusing on outcomes. We don’t ask the person we’re dating where the relationship is going. We don’t fantasize about all the money, fame, and fortune we’ll achieve from the work we’re doing.

We’re with the people we’re with because we want to be with them. We’re doing the work for the sake of the work. Being present for someone with no expectations and wanting is what true love is, according to author Eckhart Tolle in A
New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

How do we learn to be present and aware? By practicing prayer and meditation. Years ago in aikido class (aikido is a soft martial art), a famous sensei visited the class. After teaching for two hours, she opened the class to questions. We wanted to know what techniques we could practice that would most increase our power.

“That’s simple,” she said. “Practice meditation. Praying helps too.”

Although this Step says to pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out, I don’t think it’s wrong to mention special requests. We’re building a personal relationship with our Higher Power. Why should there be limits on what we can say to Him or talk to Him about?

Asking God to bless people can be extremely important for them and us. It’s the only way I’ve ever known that truly relieves us of resentments. We don’t have to mean it when we pray. We can
Act as if.
But if we ask God to bless a person we resent each time that person’s name crosses our minds and we become riled, one day we’ll find ourselves asking God to bless that person and we’ll actually mean it.

No doubt, prayer changes things. It changes us. We can struggle to accomplish something with no success for hours, months, or years. Then we can ask God humbly and sincerely to help. In minutes we’ll accomplish what we couldn’t do by ourselves.

Praying connects us to the only true source of power in the world.

I believe it’s okay to ask for special requests for ourselves and others as long as we ask and don’t demand or expect. What we’re promised in this Step is that we’ll receive knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out. When you think about it, other than using our powers to help cocreate our life, what more could we want?

“I applied for a job. I’m so worried I won’t get it,” a woman new to codependency recovery said to me one day. “Would you please ask God to make sure I get it?” she asked next.

“What’s to worry about?” I asked her. “If it’s not God’s will, would you even want it?”

She thought about my question a while. “Yes,” she said.

I wouldn’t. If it’s not God’s will, getting it or having it won’t accomplish any purpose. It probably won’t feel good, and likely it won’t work. We’ll be given the power to carry out God’s will for us, not self-will. Besides, who better knows exactly what we need than our Higher Power, the God who created us?

When people say, “Be careful what you ask for because you might get it,” what they’re really saying is, “Align your will with God’s purpose and plan so that when things happen, you can trust that it’s God’s purpose and plan for you. Pray. Tell God what’s in your heart and on your mind. Ask for whatever you want, but take care to say, ’Thy will be done.’”

You may want to use prewritten prayers from your religion. Maybe you want to write your prayers yourself. Or you can just talk to God, the way you’d talk to a friend. The choice is yours. The goal we’re seeking is
improving our conscious contact with God.
That means we want to climb higher and higher and become more aware of and focused on God’s presence, what we say to Him, and what God says to us.