Coffee Sonata (18 page)

“Never.” Eryn clasped her hands tight in her lap.

“Never? I find that hard to believe. You were there as a reporter, and you made sure I thought you were taking pictures of only Marjorie or the two of us together.”

“I was. I mean, I was there for the
Chronicle
. These…” Eryn gestured toward the computer screen with a queasy feeling in her stomach. “These were…for me. It was still wrong of me. I…You looked so photogenic, but that’s no excuse.”
Damn, I really screwed up. She doesn’t trust me as it is. And now…I’m such an idiot!

“For you? What do you mean?”

“For my personal viewing pleasure.” Eryn knew her attempt at irony was futile. “I’ll erase them right away.” She placed her index finger on the touch pad.

“No! Wait. Let me look at them.” Manon walked closer and handed a mug to Eryn, her eyes on the screen as she sipped her coffee. “They’re not bad. I don’t like being the center of attention for pictures, so you actually took some good ones…because I didn’t know I was your target.”

Eryn’s throat constricted at Manon’s choice of words.
Target.
It made her sound like paparazzi or, worse, a stalker. She merely held on to her mug, not sure what to say.

“And you won’t use these for the
Chronicle
or sell them to anyone else?”

“I can burn them on a CD for you, then erase them from my hard drive.”

“You could already have e-mailed them to your office.”

“I haven’t! I shouldn’t have taken the pictures, but, damn it, I’m not a freakin’ liar!”

“All right.” Manon bit into her lower lip. “Don’t erase them. Just give me your word that you won’t share them with anyone without asking.”

“I promise.” Eryn had to put her mug down on the table since her hands were shaking so badly. “Are you very angry?”

“I was for a moment.” Manon leaned closer and examined one of the pictures. “What am I looking at? I’m so focused on something behind you. Oh.”

Eryn turned her head and found that Manon was closer than she realized. She accidentally bumped her nose into Manon’s cheek, making her jump.

Manon held on to the backrest of Eryn’s chair. “I should get upstairs. It’s late.”

“Manon, please. We keep tiptoeing around each other.” The words flowed out of Eryn, tumultuous and scattered. “Ever since I told you I’m attracted to you and…and I have no idea if you ever have or could imagine…I mean I have the feeling you’re not indifferent to me, but…”

Manon inhaled deeply and drank some coffee, perhaps to buy time. “Eryn, don’t.”

“I
have
to say this. I don’t want to waste time beating around the bush. I look at you and go weak at the knees. Literally,” Eryn insisted, and stood up. “And at times you look at me with this strange expression of…I don’t know what! Am I that scary?” Another joke fell flat to the ground and incinerated on impact.

“You have no idea,” Manon quipped, her eyes sooty black.

“That’s what I said! I have no idea how you feel and it’s driving me insane. You set up this great working opportunity for me and make it very hard for me to refuse, and then you act as if we’re casual acquaintances. Where do you stand, Manon? And most important—are you gay or not?”

Manon tried frantically to think of a plausible excuse to run out of Eryn’s kitchen. Instead, her mind went blank, and all she could do was to stare at Eryn for several agonizing seconds. Her tone turned from chilly to ice age. “That’s a very personal question. What do you expect me to say?”

“How about the truth?” Eryn said kindly. “How about quitting this I-don’t-know-if-she-knows-that-I-know game? I’ve been an out lesbian since I was fifteen. My mother hates me for it, but the rest of my family range from very supportive to ‘fine, live your life, but let’s not talk about it.’ I’ve fought hard to remain out.”

“It must’ve been difficult.” Manon tried to refocus the attention back to Eryn’s life.

“For me, it would’ve been harder to stay closeted.” Eryn pulled out the chair next to her. “Please. Sit down. I think you know quite a bit about being in the closet.”

“You assume too much.” Manon’s chest constricted. Reluctantly she sat down, ramrod straight, on the very edge of the chair, at a ninety-degree angle from Eryn.

“Do I?” Eryn said gently. “My gaydar is rarely off.”

“Your what?” Manon had no idea what Eryn was talking about.

“Gaydar. Inner radar that says if the other person is gay.”

“There’s no such thing.”

“I disagree, but okay—ever heard the saying ‘it takes one to know one’?” Eryn leaned forward and grasped Manon’s arm.

“Yes, I have,” Manon managed. The touch burned through her shirt. She looked at the pale hand, adorned with pink, blunt nails and occasional freckles. It was small yet unmistakably strong. “But it’s still a personal matter that—”

“We’ve shared lots of personal things. Especially last Friday night. What’s your worst fear? That I’ll jump your bones if you admit you find women attractive? Or that I’ll out you?”

Manon heard a faint trace of resentment in Eryn’s voice, but also something else.
She’s laughing at me. She’s openly gay and proud of it. I must seem pathetic, but she has no way of knowing…
Manon looked down at Eryn’s hand. “No. I don’t think that at all,” she said quietly.
I think you must see me as the most pitiful person you’ve ever met.

Eryn squeezed her arm and moved to caress her elbow. “Damn, Manon, I’m sorry. I’m being an ass.”

Manon could barely make herself look at Eryn. Her heart was pounding, and nothing in her upbringing had prepared her for this situation. Normally she skidded in and out of conversational traps with the ease of an Olympic slalom skier, but now her fear and conflicting emotions immobilized her. “You’re right,” she whispered. Her throat hurt.

“What?” Eryn sat as if frozen, her hand still around Manon’s elbow. “About being an ass. Yeah—”

“No. You’re right about me being afraid. Afraid of the repercussions. I have my work and my responsibilities. I don’t have the time or the energy for any type of relationship. Don’t you see? The legacy, my family’s dedication to everything I also hold sacred…it all matters more than—”

“Than what? Your own happiness? Your life? Your future?”

“The foundation
is
my happiness and future! I’ve spent my life in that office.” Tears of frustration rose in Manon’s eyes. “It’s what I’ve lived for all these years. Ever since I was thirteen, the foundation has been my pride and joy, my everything.” She wanted to move her arm out of Eryn’s reach, but her touch was strangely comforting.

Eryn sat still, watching Manon with sad eyes. “That’s normally how people talk about their family or their children.”

“My existence might seem pitiful to you, but I don’t lack anything!” Manon forced her tears back, blinking repeatedly. “My foundation means a lot to a great many people, and the reward I get from helping people create better lives for themselves is more than enough.”

“How about companionship? How about human touch?” Eryn’s voice rose as she began to rub Manon’s arm. “How about
this
?”

Eryn sounded so passionate that Manon expected her touch to be equally forceful. Instead Eryn rose and pulled Manon with her into a careful embrace. Manon didn’t struggle. She stood passive, determined to prove Eryn wrong. She couldn’t surrender to the secret feelings she’d kept from everyone for so long.

“How about this?” Eryn whispered, now in a low purr. “I can feel your heart beat, faster and faster.” She placed her hands on either side of Manon’s chest, and her thumbs, hot through the fabric, reached just below her breasts. “I’m not forcing you. You want this.” She sounded so certain.

“You won’t achieve anything with this demonstration.” Manon used her most haughty tone of voice. “Why are you doing this, Eryn?”

“Because you’re trying to fool yourself and everybody else. And because I’m at my wits’ end how to act around you. You’re so exciting and so hot. And you look at me with such confusion and desire. That in itself is damn sexy.”

She stepped even closer and pressed her breasts against Manon. “I saw how you checked me out when I took the pictures of Marjorie. Don’t you think I know what such glances imply?” She reached under Manon’s chin and tipped her head back. “And the way you look at me now…down that aristocratic nose. You try to keep me at a distance, and it must annoy you that it doesn’t work.”

As she tried to avoid Eryn’s touch, Manon found their lips only a whisper apart. Mesmerized, she stared into Eryn’s eyes and leaned in closer, unable to resist. “Eryn, please…”

After Eryn brushed her lips against Manon’s, parting them with gentle insistence, she deepened the kiss, and Manon forgot to breathe. The incredible tenderness, the small nibbles—it all flooded her senses with arousal and panic.

“Manon,” Eryn whispered against her mouth. “I’ve longed for this. Your lips. Kiss me back.”

Manon clenched her fists at her side, where she stood stiff and shaking within Eryn’s embrace. She wasn’t in control of her body or her mind, and couldn’t think of anything except how Eryn’s arms felt around her.

“Relax, honey. Relax.” Eryn’s breath was hot against Manon’s lower lip. Manon could feel her resistance crumble. Her body ached, and even worse, her soul was in agony, demanding she give in. Eventually, Manon gave a tormented whimper, raised her arms, and slid them up along Eryn’s sides. She wrapped them around Eryn’s neck and held on as she parted her lips.

“Ah…” Eryn pulled her closer and cupped Manon’s neck. Manon felt the tender fingers in her hair, massaging, pressing her closer into the embrace.

Nothing could have prepared her for how Eryn’s mouth would feel or taste. All those years when she struggled alone with her feelings, she’d never known this, never expected…this
.

Eryn’s tongue, gentle and passionate, explored her mouth, nudged at Manon’s tongue and teased it. Manon held back sobs of dread and allowed herself to reciprocate. She kissed Eryn with startling abandon and cupped Eryn’s cheeks as she angled her own head for better access. She reveled in the feeling of Eryn’s tongue against hers, wrestling, as if fighting for domination. The caresses sent surges of blood to her breasts and the delta between her legs.

Blatant desire welled up and blinded Manon for a few precious seconds before panic took over and she broke free. She held up her hands, palms outward, and backed away from Eryn, only to stagger when she bumped into the kitchen table. “No…I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, calm down,” Eryn said, flushed. “It’s all right, Manon.” She reached out.

“No. Don’t. Just don’t
touch
me.”

“I won’t.” Eryn’s face twitched with an expression of pain that passed so quickly, Manon wasn’t sure it had ever existed. She lowered her hand. “I promise.”

Manon breathed heavily and made sure the corner of the table was between them. “This was a mistake.”

“Yes. I realize that.”

Manon didn’t know if she had imagined the luminescence of Eryn’s eyes. Anyway, they were now a dark, dull forest green.

“I should go.”

“I’m not stopping you.” Eryn also took a step back.

Despite her words, Manon remained where she was, her mouth dry. “You understand, don’t you? Why this can’t happen?”

“I understand that we kissed and it was wonderful. You panicked and I’m sorry if I scared you. Most of all, I’m sorry it wasn’t wonderful for you.”

Manon flinched. “Nothing you did scared me.”
I scared the hell out of myself.
“As I said, I should go.”

“Then leave.”

“Very well.” Manon began gathering her purchases, but the bags’ handles slipped through her fingers and the contents spilled out of one of them. “Great. Perfect.” She wasn’t in control of anything in this situation, and she hated the feeling.

“Here. Let me help you.” As Eryn bent down and picked up the silky material of the extravagant nightgown she’d let Genevieve persuade her to buy. The crimson silk ran through Eryn’s fingers like blood when she placed it back into the bag. “Pretty.”

Manon took a deep breath, feeling ridiculous.
She’s right. I’m panicking. I’m acting like a damn cliché of an old maid. How silly is this?
She stopped what she was doing. “Eryn.”

Eryn knelt next to her and now looked up with trepidation. “Yes?”

“Can we start over?”

“What?” Confusion replaced the apprehension. “How do you mean?”

“Whatever my reaction just now suggests, I’m not a coward.” Manon was glad her voice was steady, although barely more than a whisper. “And I don’t tell deliberate lies, even if I’m usually not very forthcoming.”

“I never thought you were either a coward or a liar,” Eryn said, and she raised her hand, palm up. “Just afraid.”

“You’re right.” Manon tilted her head, examining the concept. A strange sort of calm settled in her chest. “I’ve been afraid for a very long time.”

“What can I say or do to reassure you? I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.” Eryn blushed. “God knows I was dying to taste your lips, but I was still wrong.”

“Perhaps. You were my first.”