Coffin Island (12 page)

“
Try not to bleed on my ship
anymore,” I suggested. “Are those deck shoes that you are
wearing?”

Madison was wearing impossibly tall
jackboots. She clicked around in them quite gracefully. It’s rare
to see a woman spider around like that. Typically they lurch when
they get over a certain height limit in the shoe department. I
quite liked watching her mark up the deck of my evil ship in those
impossibly tall jackboots. Madison was quite the creature to
observe in shackles. Just don’t get too close because she
bites.

“
You want me take them off?”
Madison challenged.

“
We have more pressing
matters,” I said. “But those jackboots really trouble the male
mind.”

“
It’s on purpose,” Madison
said.

“
I got that far,” I said.
“Then I took the thought a little farther.”

“
It feels marvelous to have
my blood back,” Madison laughed. “I’m going to try to keep it off
the deck.”

“
That’s a good policy,” I
said. “Now we just have to deal with your jackboots.”

“
We’ll hold that thought
until we go back to the dorm room at Coffin Island,” Madison
said.

“
Is it a ghastly dungeon?” I
asked.

“
It’s far worse,” Madison
said.

“
Sounds like fun,” I
said.

“
You bet,” Madison
said.

Chapter

“
I thought that I was going
to die but I was already dead and being dead made me want to live,”
Madison said.

“
Sounds weird,” I
said.

Madison and I were talking about life
and death. We were trying to figure out which way to steer our
journey before it steered itself for us. The inevitable was
approaching us over the horizon. A black cloud was moving towards
us ominously. It was moving very slowly. Whatever it lacked in
speed it was picking up in sheer force.

The storm was picking up everything in
its path including the ocean. Why not end the world with the world?
Nobody had ever prophesied that.

The end of the world also seemed to be
picking up momentum. It was probably going to reach a certain mass
and just come at us like a planet. Or at least that’s what it
appeared to be doing. The end wasn’t here just yet. It had to try
to scare the daylights out of us first.

Madison and I had some time to talk and
plot so that’s what we were doing. We were also waiting for
Professor Coffin to show up. We needed to have a few choice words
with him. We were pretty convinced that he was the architect of all
of this. Showing his ugly mug would confirm it, the costumed
fool.

“
You wanted to live for
revenge, Madison,” I said. “Don’t forget that. The only reason why
we are still standing here is because you want to kill Professor
Coffin. I’m supporting you in this decision because I want to kill
him too.”

“
What’s wrong with that
motive?” Madison asked. “Professor Coffin is the architect of
everything that is wrong in our lives. He deserves to
die.”

“
Of that much I am certain,”
I said. “But I don’t see to what end. Why is he doing this to us?
That’s the mystery.”

“
We’ll get to the bottom of
it,” Madison said.

“
It probably won’t make any
sense,” I said.

Madison shrugged.

“
How do we fire up The Wind
People?” I asked. “I’d like to sail this ship.”

I was peering at the horizon and
shuddering. It looked like the planet Jupiter was coming to get us.
It was methodically building mass to crush us. The whole world was
behind it. I could see Mount Coffin poking out of it.

“
The Wind People should be
here shortly,” Madison snorted.

“
I don’t think they’re going
to disappoint us in the wind department,” I said.

“
I just wonder how we are
going to sail through all that planetary refuse,” Madison
said.

“
Why didn’t they kill you?”
I asked. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“
They couldn’t pull it off
because I’m magically attached to you,” Madison said. “So they went
back for more wind and water for you and Doctor Fast.”

“
They’ve collected the whole
planet,” I said.

“
The only reason why they
are leaving any ocean in front of us is because they want to crush
us into something other than dirt,” Madison snorted.

“
That’s good news,” I
said.

“
They’re going to try to
blow and then crush us to our deaths,” Madison said. “At least
that’s the threat.”

“
We set the world’s fastest
sailing record,” I said. “Then teleport back to the peak of Mount
Coffin, which is inside the planet Jupiter, before we are crushed
to pieces by the planet Jupiter.”

“
You might get your wish,”
Madison said. “They are determined to sink this ship. And they’re
determined to kill us. They’ve sentenced us and Doctor Fast to
death. We’ve also been banned from the emerald ocean forever. It
doesn’t matter how many times we are reborn in our
coffins.”

“
They’ve banned us forever?”
I asked. “That’s not right.”

“
We’ve been excommunicated
by the wind,” Madison said. “Tell it to the breeze.”

“
Can they do that?” I
asked.

“
They already did it,”
Madison said. “It’s done.”

“
I hate when people do
that,” I said.

“
They aren’t people,”
Madison said.

“
Sometimes this world seems
like a shuck,” I said.

“
Until you’re struggling
through it,” Madison said.

“
I can understand why they
would want to sentence us to death and sink the ship,” I said.
“That’s alright in my book. But I’m not standing for banishment
from the emerald ocean from a bunch of Wind People forever. That’s
a very long time if you have eternal life.”

“
We could never leave Coffin
Island ever even if it’s buried inside the planet Jupiter,” Madison
agreed.

“
They’re a tough enemy to
fight though,” I said.

“
How do you fight the wind?”
Madison asked. “I’m being serious.”

“
Could we possibly use
words?” I asked.

“
It might be our only
option,” Madison said.

“
We have to figure out a way
to use language to attack them,” I said. “Or at least bully them
into lifting the life time banishment.”

“
I say we go big with
threats,” Madison said.

“
We puff our feathers,” I
said.

“
Then we can back down,”
Madison agreed.

“
We appear reasonable after
we pretend to be totally unreasonable,” I said.

“
Even if we’re not,” Madison
said.

“
We have to save this ship
too,” I said.

“
If we could get out of the
shackles,” Madison snorted. “I think we would quite like
it.”

“
It’s not going to be much
use without the emerald ocean,” I said.

“
Witchcraft might provide us
with another ocean,” Madison said.

“
Perhaps we should accept
the banishment just to see what happens next,” I said.

“
It will probably backfire
in their faces,” Madison said.

“
Or in ours,” I
said.

“
We end up in some ashcan of
an atoll for all eternity,” Madison said.

“
A penal colony populated by
vicious dwarfs,” I said.

“
We do nothing,” Madison
said.

“
Let the witchcraft come to
us,” I said.

“
Bring it on planet
Jupiter,” Madison shouted.

The hideous planet just kept creeping
towards us. What’s the rush if you have all the mass in the galaxy?
You can take your time crushing the little people. Make the little
people wait. Let the little people get all in a twist. That’s why
they’re called little people because they’re little.

Madison and I were seemingly the last
two little people left on this dreadful planet which helped account
for the enormous size of the planet that was bearing down on us
with such troubling lack of haste. Everything and everybody was
truly out to kill us. Hurry up and kill us. However this world
doesn’t work that way. You’re going to have to wait. And wait you
will. It’s not going to do your bidding. Frankly why should it? You
just sit there white knuckled and wait. That’s what you
do.

Madison and I had pulled up two steamer
chairs on our own personal Titanic and watched the end of the world
approach. Wait a second. Hold the phone. What the fresh hell is
this? The planet Jupiter was turning back for more water. Why not?
You want to do this job right or not? We missed a couple of
drops.

“
Throw that stick in
reverse,” Madison shouted. “We want to get crushed
righteously.”

“
Seriously,” I shouted at
the approaching planet.

We both shuddered in our deck chairs.
Then we laughed.

“
Bring it on!” Madison
roared.

Madison roared with such stupendous
force that she could have actually pushed back Flash’s fiery hair.
He actually poked his head out of the planet Jupiter. He bellowed
brimstone in our direction. I was glad that he was in on our
crushing too. Now if that dreaded pirate would just show his
dreaded head. You know the one, the costumed fool. Professor
Coffin, the pirate with the doctoral degree in trickery and jokes.
Come out before we burn you out.

Chapter

“That was an old fashioned brawl,”
Professor Coffin said as he climbed aboard Doctor Fast. He had
fought his way through all the blood and guts with his cutlass and
his underwear. He had lost everything else. He was in surprisingly
good cheer. Professor Coffin could shrug off that planet Jupiter
that was approaching too. He’d seen far worse, I suppose. What was
there to be upset about?

“I nearly lost my drawers,” Professor
Coffin grinned as the shackles attached themselves to him for his
own safety on Doctor Fast.

“You saved yourself, your underwear and
your cutlass,” I observed. “You’re a credit to your
people.”

“I haven’t had a brawl like that since
The Great War,” Professor Coffin mused.

Professor Coffin hopped into a deck
chair that had magically appeared. Why not rest a bit before The
Apocalypse. I’m sure that’s going to be trying. That’s why they
call it The Apocalypse. It’s a bit of a test, you know?

“The sharks peeled me like an onion,”
Professor Coffin explained as he settled into his deck chair in his
skivvies. “But I made fin soup out of them to teach them a lesson.
You don’t fool with a chef from the old school. He’ll stew
you.”

“Does this world make you have crazy
thoughts?” I asked. “I’ve been having a lot of them
lately.”

“Me too,” Madison groaned.

“Of course,” Professor Coffin said.
“The world of witchcraft is highly educational.”

Professor Coffin brandished his
cutlass.

“That’s how you learn, gentleman,”
Professor Coffin said. “You shackle the dark thoughts.”

“I’m not a dude,” Madison
said.

“Who said that you were?” Professor
Coffin demanded. “I’ll file a charge of sexism against anyone that
can’t grasp what a fine filly you are. You’re just an astonishing
broad. You’re booming on all the proper channels.”

Madison snorted.

“Are you responsible for all of this?”
I asked.

“Of course not,” Professor Coffin
said.

“Would you tell us if you were?”
Madison asked.

“Of course not,” Professor Coffin
said.

“You don’t seem to mind that you caused
all that death?” I asked.

“The emerald ocean is a jungle,”
Professor Coffin shrugged. “We’re lucky the blasted hippos didn’t
come after us. It turned out better than I expected. Frankly, I’m a
bit surprised to be standing here myself. It’s a pity losing The
Red Lady to the mermaids. Not much of a plan without
her.”

I watched The Red Lady sneak aboard
Doctor Fast. She climbed up the bow somehow using her hooks.
Professor Coffin and Madison had their backs turned. I was looking
over my shoulders for reasons that I couldn’t quite explain until I
saw The Red Lady. I sensed her arrival. It’s inexplicable how such
a thing works. It’s some sort of leftover from when we were
prehistoric birds. Perhaps the seat of witchcraft was within that
horrible woman. It stood to reason. It was either The Red Lady or
Professor Coffin. Or it was somewhere else. The two pirates were
just puppets that witchcraft was operating. But to what
end?

I locked eyes with The Red Lady for a
brief moment as she slithered across the deck of the ship towards
an open hatch. That old lizard needed to be squashed. She looked
astonished that I had actually caught her. I decided against
alerting my fellow travelers. What’s one more sociopath on a
magical ship with a dubious destination? Sweating the details
seemed absurd. There was also the planet Jupiter to worry about.
That bad boy is still approaching. What are you trying to do? Drive
an overworked mind deeper into insanity? Let whatever is below deck
sort her out.