Coffin Island (9 page)

“
It’s going to be a Category
Six Howl!” Professor Coffin shouted over the thunder and lightening
as it descended upon us like bayonets. “We’re going to sail to
Casket Island, gentlemen.”

The pirates in the bar looked
concerned.

“
We’re going to outrun this
storm,” Professor Coffin shouted as the sky reenacted the Big Bang
Theory.

The entire galaxy was exploding over
our heads like the universe was reenacting its origins. It was so
over the top that it somehow seemed contrived. It called itself
into question because of its massive force. Why wasn’t it killing
us?

The pirates looked particularly
concerned. Perhaps there was some sort of canine intelligence in
them after all. Or they were just scared of the thunder and
lightening. However they were certainly dogs. There was no question
in my mind about that. They needed to put down at the nearest
convenience. They couldn’t be permitted to live if the horror that
I was witnessing was their handiwork. What had they done to upset
witchcraft this much? What was the matter with these pirates? Had
they no brains?

Only a madman would put them in-charge
of a school where the occult had spun out-of-control. What to make
of these foolish pirates? Had they escaped from some sort of
costume drama elsewhere? Really, what we’re they doing
here?

The pirates in the bar seemed like they
had been hastily constructed as humans. There was just something
that was not human about them. It was like they were a bunch of
puppets that were connected to the door. You opened the door and
they turned and looked at you. Perhaps some Italian puppeteer
constructed them. I was fairly convinced of it.

Professor Coffin was also a fraud. He
just operated on a higher level. He was a world class puppet. I
aimed to cut his strings. Or just follow them back to his
owner.

“
What are you costumed fools
doing here?” I demanded. “You’re a bunch of frauds.”

The pirates in the bar shuddered
collectively. There was definitely something wrong with them. But I
couldn’t place my finger on it. Perhaps a cutlass would do the
trick. What about sending them back to the coffin room?

Then the storm shuddered to a stop. It
was like the hourglass had decided to stop.

“
We’re going sailing,”
Professor Coffin tried. “Don’t concern yourself with the logistics,
gentleman. Ignore Booster Boo. He’s like a train on the wrong
track.”

The pirates cheered. The storm resumed.
The driftwood bar began to uproot. A Brownie rang a bell. The storm
stopped again. I wasn’t surprised by this because goblins can do
anything they want.

The Brownies started to dissemble the
bar around us. They took off the roof. They took down the four
walls. They dissembled all the furniture. They pulled up the floor.
They bundled up the driftwood.

The Brownies hauled the entire bar down
into a bunker. They pulled the sea glasses out of our hands. They
slammed the hatch shut.

“
Best goblin bar on either
side of the emerald ocean,” Professor Coffin grinned. “I’m glad we
didn’t lose her.”

“
You’re the one that ordered
the wind,” I said.

“
I gave the Brownies ample
warning,” Professor Coffin said. “Although I think we might have
cut it short ourselves. Run for your life!”

The goblins rang the bell down in their
bunker. The storm resumed with even more appalling force. I didn’t
think that it could possibly get any worse but it did. It started
raining out of the sea. Sand was flying down out of the sky. The
world was in an off-kilter roar.

Our examiners had presumably snapped to
order. We had to be close to escaping Coffin Island. Or at least at
the time that’s what I thought.

We ran for the beach. The wind was
caterwauling around us. Palm trees were uprooting. Sand was clawing
at us. Lightening was striking down pirates. I was viewing this
favorably. This world was appearing legitimate suddenly. Hair was
standing up all over my body.

I was terrified out of my mind. Panic
was all over me like suit with a ghost in it. Maybe it was just the
bar that was some sort of magical ruse. Some sort of goblin
trickery. I chalked it off as that much.

I was too busy running for my life to
question anything. Attempting to save myself was keeping my mind
plenty busy. There were just so many things out to kill me. The
palm trees were impaling pirates in the chest. Rocks were flying
into heads. And that was the least of it. The wind was pulling off
limbs.

“
The stitches can fly?” I
shouted over the carnage.

“
Madison is the only witch
that can fly,” Professor Coffin shouted. “The Wind People are
stealing my sails!”

“
Stop those sails!” The Red
Lady shouted.

Two enormous red sails were flying out
to sea. The stitches were clinging to them like ribbons. They were
fluttering in the wind. Madison flew after them. Clouds with faces
were blowing the red sails out to sea. They had enormous cheeks
like jazz trumpeters. The Wind People played the breeze? It made
some sort of horrible sense. They were probably improvising this
whole drama at our expense. Why not play that horn like it is?
You’ve got to live it. Then you can casually blow that horror for
real.

Chapter

The Wind People were furious.
Lightening was shooting out of them like bayonets. And they were
finding the practice corpses. Pirates were being stabbed in the
heart with lightening. They were being decapitated with brutal
force by the wind. How do you rip a head off with air?

However the pirates weren’t being
dispatched back to their coffins with furious haste. Those corpses
had to wait. They were bait. The Wind People chummed the emerald
ocean with body parts. Why not?

You don’t need that head anymore.
You’re dead. Just wait until you see what’s coming for it. It will
make your decapitated head shudder.

Buckets of flesh and blood were being
hurled into the emerald ocean by The Wind People. Something truly
hideous was bound to turn up. The signs and symbols were looking
particularly violent. It was difficult to pinpoint the precise
reason.

I was kicking heads into the ocean to
get rid of them. I was throwing the odd arm after it too. There
were just too many disembodied parts hitting me in the
face.

“
Where are the skiffs?”
Professor Coffin shouted.

He was sticking his face into the
emerald ocean. I was rooting for a sea monster to eat it. Take that
whole smirk right off his mug.

“
Have they been sunk?”
Professor Coffin shouted. “My plan is already falling to
pieces.”

“
The Sea People have them,”
The Red Lady shouted. “They’re in cahoots with The Wind
People.”

Mermaids were rowing our skiffs out to
sea. They were singing and laughing. They were wildly beautiful.
They were taunting us to follow. At least something in this
dreadful world was logical. The mermaids were perfect even if they
had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. You couldn’t let the fact
that they were out to kill you trouble your already overworked
mind. You have to beat down total madness before it takes over and
starts operating you like a vacuum on Coffin Island. Your vacuuming
up someone’s liver. Or it’s just hitting you in the face in an
attempt to distract you from your escape.

“
Never trust a mermaid,”
Professor Coffin shouted. “Swim for your lives!”

“
Swim for Doctor Fast,” The
Red Lady shouted. “Avoid the mermaids.”

I was suddenly standing on the beach by
myself. The pirates were swimming through the rough seas. It looked
like some evil god had suddenly applied a mixer. Why not mix this
batter a bit, shall we? Lightening was crashing into the whipped
ocean. And it was chasing after the pirates through the ocean like
electric eels with sonar. Then the mermaids began rowing towards
them. The mast of Doctor Fast looked like an unreachable pin on the
horizon. It actually seemed to be moving away from me.

I ran through the churning surf and
dove into the emerald ocean. Why not swim into the burning
building? The water was stupendously cold. Why not make the witches
chatter? You can’t have a warm emerald ocean in witchcraft. The sea
monsters would never tolerate it. Those are cold water beasts. How
else could they be from the last ice age? This world is perfectly
logical, at the odd moment, if you work your way through it. You’ve
just got to swim the Bering Straight without a wetsuit.

I swam furiously after the pirates.
Cold water swimming will do that to you. It’s a matter of life or
death to just accomplish it. Never mind making a destination out of
it. Polar bear swimming is an act of survival. You just want to get
out of the cold.

I was suddenly confronted by a very
attractive mermaid that was floating in front of me. She seemed to
be waiting for me. Could this be that good omen that I had been
holding out for? Her golden hair was hanging in the ocean like a
plethora of nooses. I swam up to the gallows to introduce myself.
Why not be civilized?

“
I drown men,” she
said.

“
I drown mermaids,” I
chattered.

I tried to swim past her.

“
You can’t drown a mermaid,”
she giggled.

“
Get out of my way,” I
chattered. “I’m the Headmaster.”

I thought that I would give it a shot.
When you are totally cornered and have absolutely nothing to defend
yourself with that’s when you shoot your mouth off. That hollow
title was all the ammunition that I had in the empty gun. Why not
fire it off?

The mermaid pushed my head under. The
lights started to flicker. No you don’t, I thought. I haven’t come
this far to get snuffed out by a mermaid. I grabbed her long hair
and pulled her under. You dispense with civility when a mermaid
tries to murder you. I gave her a vicious head butt. It hurt like
hell. That’s how I knew that I was still alive. You can’t feel pain
when you’re dead.

The mermaid laughed at me underwater.
My skull is a weapon, she said. She spoke directly into my mind. We
can torpedo ships.

That’s what you get for tangling with a
mythological creature, I thought. They taunt you
underwater.

“
I like you,” she said when
we popped back up. “You’re funny. I can read your
thoughts.”

“
Don’t do that,” I
said.

The mermaid tried to push me back under
but I pushed her away from me.

“
You’re a hideous creature,”
I said.

“
I’m sorry that I have to
drown you last,” she pouted.

“
You’re sorry that you have
to drown me last,” I practically shouted.

“
You’re the Captain of the
ship,” she said. “You have to go down with it.”

“
Doctor Fast is my ship?” I
asked.

“
You’re the Headmaster,
silly,” she laughed. “Doctor Fast is your ship. You’re a Doctor of
Fast.”

“
I’m a doctor of what?” I
gasped.

The mermaid grabbed my arm like she
aimed to tear it off. I tried to fend her off but it was hopeless.
The mermaid was horrifically strong. She pulled me towards Doctor
Fast. She dragged me across the surface of the emerald ocean like a
metal fishing lure. She swam incredibly fast. My head was reeled
past all the witches in the sea including Professor
Coffin.

The Mermaids were apparently fishing
for pirates. This inversion seemed perfectly plausible to me. The
mermaids were in the skiffs whereas the pirates were in the water.
Why not mix thing up a bit on Coffin Island? I was having so many
crazy thoughts what’s a couple of mermaids fishing for pirates? I
could easily chalk it off like a corpse on the sidewalk.

The mermaids had the pirates surrounded
which I was viewing favorably. Those costumed fools had gotten us
into this mess. Hadn’t they? And they were always up to no good.
There was no denying that. Frankly they had it coming. Let’s speak
clearly here, gentleman, because I figured these were my last
thoughts. Why not put them out there boldly before I go off to my
coffin or wherever it is that I am off to. The whole situation with
the corpses in the water looks ominous. Perhaps the whole coffin
part of this story isn’t true. Or it simply does not apply on the
emerald ocean. Something is seriously wrong here. I’ve been
captured by a fish for all purposes.

I was in the clutches of a mermaid on
my way to my own drowning. However I was trying to hang on to
optimism as Madison had suggested. I was thrilled that the
perpetrators of my murder were being brutally executed. It was
great to see the pirate go with heinous violence. It was a cause
for celebration that some creature was finally taking them to task
with abject malevolence. I would have done it myself, those of you
that might think me lazy and hypocritical, but I was on my way to
my own brutal execution. I couldn’t seem to avoid that. That
previous engagement, my execution, that the pirates had scheduled
for me was keeping me from extracting my own revenge. You see what
a pickle I was in? However let’s see how my proxies, the mermaids,
do, shall we? Perhaps we’ll even savor it a bit because the pirates
deserve to suffer horribly.