Colorblind (7 page)

“Like the whole idea of going through life as we know it is just… ‘meh’.” She shrugged her shoulders. “You don’t get excited about much. There’s not a lot you like. Not a lot you do. It’s like you don’t have an enthusiasm for life. Which was interesting to me because I get excited about
everything
. Maybe I’m too enthusiastic; I don’t know. But I think we could balance each other out. You need a little color in your world, you know? Even most of your
movies
are in black and white.”

“So I’m a charity case,” I sighed out, only half-meaning it. “I get it.”

“No.” She straightened up and, with an air of false pretentiousness, declared, “I find you intriguing.” Then she dropped the act and added, “And once I got vibes that you were a cute girl who could actually be a lesbian, there was no going back.”

“It doesn’t take much, then?” I joked.

“Well, who says it should?” She shrugged again. “I like you. It doesn’t have to be complicated, and there doesn’t have to be years of tension and buildup. I just met you and I like you and that’s enough for me.”

“Things aren’t always that simple,” I shot back, tensing.

She exhaled audibly, watching me, and then seemed to hesitate before she spoke next. Her tone was gentle, like she wanted to tread carefully. “Harper, I’ve only ever lost one family member, and it was when I was young, so I won’t act like I know what that’s like. But the only person I’ve seen you happy around has been Robbie. This is about your mom, isn’t it?”

I hesitated. I felt frozen in place as I tried to come up with a fitting response, but she’d caught me off guard. My silence was a reply in its own right.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she said, offering me a small smile. “It’s okay to let people in sometimes.”

“You promise?” I asked, even though I knew it wasn’t fair.”

“I promise.”

“I-” I paused, hesitating again. She was so earnest: so sincere. She had no idea she wasn’t telling the truth, and as I studied her, I couldn’t help but think,
“What on earth is going to happen to you?”

“Can I ask you something?” She spoke up suddenly. “Why Robbie? What is it about him that made it okay to keep him around?”

I shifted my gaze to my lap with a soft sigh. “Well, it helps that I’m not attracted to him. And… his sister died a few years back. He gets it. And… I just have a feeling he’ll be around for a while.”

“Doesn’t that get exhausting?” she marveled. “Looking at every single person like some sort of risk calculation? Comparing potential enjoyment as a result of being friends versus potential pain as a result of losing the friendship? Or of losing
them
?”

“Yes. It’s very exhausting.” I shrugged. “I wish I wasn’t like this, but I can’t change it.”

“I think you can. Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the goal of life isn’t to get through it as painlessly as possible?” she asked me.

I raised my head, genuinely caught off guard again. “No, not really.”

“Well, there you go. There’s your problem. Life isn’t about the pain. It’s about the good parts. Think about it like… laser tag!” She brightened even as I forced a laugh. I could see the cheesy metaphor coming before she even began. “Like, I bet it’d be super easy to go a whole round without getting shot. You’d just have to hide in some corner where no one ever goes and sit there and do nothing. But that makes for a boring game of laser tag, and so no one does that, right? We all run around and put ourselves at risk so that maybe we’ll have some fun! See, life is like laser tag.”

I stared at her for a moment, trying to keep a straight face. “Uh huh.”

“That was a fantastic metaphor. I came up with that literally just now; wasn’t that awesome?”

“For an improvisation,” I humored her. “The thing is, I know what it’s like to get shot, and I’ve learned from it. I’m not letting it happen again. You’ve never been shot, so you don’t know how bad it feels.”

“I don’t,” she admitted, but she was smiling now. “But I
do
know how fun it is to not hide in a corner all game.”

* * *

Dad was waiting for Chloe and me with breakfast when we came downstairs the next morning. He had enough tact, thankfully, to not ask about our sleepover or about what I’d thought of Deborah while Chloe was with us.

She left just before noon, and I walked her to the door. “I’ll see you soon,” she promised. “My parents want to see a movie with me tomorrow night, but I’m free every other night this week. I thought of something we might be able to do together next weekend.”

“Oh no,” I joked.

“It’ll be fun,” she insisted. “Trust me.”

We stood together for a moment, face to face, and she looked like she wanted to say more.

“I’ll see you around, then,” I said.

She nodded. “Not going anywhere.”

“I remember,” I assured her. “Just… be careful. No skydiving before I see you again, okay?”

“I can’t promise that,” she joked. “Text me, alright?”

“Yep.”             

She leaned in before I could react and kissed me on the cheek, then took a couple steps back, grinning, before she turned away and descended the porch steps. I sighed and leaned against the doorframe, watching her go and, at last, turned to go inside and closed the front door behind me.

Dad was watching me from the living room, an eyebrow raised. I colored instantaneously and he asked, “Just friends, huh?”

“That looked worse than it was,” I mumbled.

“I’ll let you off the hook,” he acquiesced, “if you tell me what you genuinely thought of Deborah last night.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Not much to think. She tried kind of hard, didn’t she?”

“Because it’s important to her that you approve.” He folded his arms across his chest, looking concerned. “It’s important to me, too.”

“Well… maybe she and I are just meant to coexist,” I suggested, turning away from him. “We don’t have to be best friends.”

He let out a sigh. “I didn’t say you did, Harper. Just… promise me you’ll give her a chance, alright? You hardly spoke to her last night.”

“I’ll give her a chance,” I agreed quietly, and then mumbled, “It’s not like I have much of a choice, anyway.”

* * *

“Welcome to Daily Fries. What can I get for you?”

The man in front of me took his time with the menu on the wall. It was Three Burgers again, back for his daily meal with a 45 still on his forehead. I felt physical pain as I watched him speak. “
How are you this stupid?”
I wanted to ask.
“There are people who care about you and you’re literally killing yourself.”

He stopped speaking. Now he was staring at me. I realized I’d completely spaced out while I was supposed to be taking his order. “I’m sorry, sir, could you repeat that?”

“I just spent an entire minute giving you my order,” he shot back, appalled. “You didn’t get any of it?”

I bit my lip to stop myself from being rude. A hand on my shoulder saved me. Robbie, of course. He looked out for me far more than I deserved. “Sorry about that, sir. I’ll take your order and we’ll throw in a free large fry; how does that sound?” He gave me a look that told me to scram, and I rolled my eyes and left to go on break.

When I was outside alone, I sat down on the ground, my back to the wall that was still covered in cigarette burns, and pulled my knees up to my chest. I rested my forehead on my knees and closed my eyes, willing my shift to be over soon. This was a waste of time. I could’ve been with Chloe all day instead.

Robbie came around a few minutes later. I heard his footsteps and the click of his lighter before he spoke, but when he did, it was with a sigh. “You could ask George if he’ll give you the rest of the day off,” he suggested.

I lifted my head to look up at him. “I’m thinking about quitting.”

“Since when?”

“Since a few weeks ago,” I admitted. “I hate it here.”

“Well, no one
likes
it here.”

“Yeah, but…” I trailed off and then muttered, “I hate being around people.”

“Me too,” he agreed quietly. “This job gets morbid sometimes.”

“I need something where I never see anyone,” I decided. “Like a data entry clerk job or something. With a desk in a back room. And the only person that ever comes in is my boss, who has super healthy eating habits and will live into his hundreds. I’m so sick of being reminded that we’re all going to die one day.”

“Well, hook me up when you find a job like that.” He exhaled a cloud of smoke and I pressed my nose into my sleeve. “I’ll tell George you aren’t feeling well, okay? Go see Chloe.”

“What’s the point?” I mumbled, only half meaning it.

He studied me for a moment. The cigarette between his fingers slipped through them and fell to the ground, where he squashed it with his foot. “I’m a pretty cynical person. Even more cynical than you, which is saying something. So as much as I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, here’s the truth. All of this isn’t going to end well. You fucked up pretty badly by putting yourself in the position you’re in. If you hook up with her and she dies, you’ll be miserable.” He paused, digging the heel of his shoe into the gravel beneath us. “With that said… If you
don’t
hook up with her and she dies, you’ll be miserable
and
you’ll regret it.”

I hid my face against my knees and tried to ignore how low my heart had sank. “Maybe.”

“Not ‘maybe’. If I was wrong, you’d just stop spending time with her, because it wouldn’t be worth it. Instead, she’s the only thing that’s been on your mind since you met her. I kind of miss you, actually.”

I wiped at the corners of my eyes and couldn’t bring myself to look back at him. “This sucks.”

“I warned you about this happening.” His tone was blunt. Typical tactless Robbie. I tried hard to not get mad at him.

“I think I’m gonna go. Can you talk to George for me?”

“Of course.” He stood with me for a moment, and then, awkwardly, said, “I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I know.”

He hesitated, lingering for another few seconds before he left. I got to my feet as his footsteps faded, and my stomach twisted into a knot. Before Chloe, Robbie had been the only person who’d understood me.

Now it felt like no one did.

Chapter Six

“Hey, what’s up?”

I tried to hide a sniffle, hoping Chloe couldn’t hear it through the phone. “Um, are you busy?” I asked her.

“Just playing a board game with my parents. Why?” I didn’t answer at first, and Chloe sounded concerned the next time she spoke. “Is something wrong?”

“Not really. I just… thought you might come over?”

“Sure. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be right there.” There was a brief pause, and I heard what sounded like two distinct voices in the background. A moment later, Chloe was back on the line. “Hey, um, actually, how do you feel about coming here? If you don’t want to, I can come over, but Dad’s only met you that one time and Mom wants to meet you. We can provide free food…”

I considered it. Earlier on in my friendship with Chloe, I’d wanted to avoid her parents. But a few weeks had passed and things were different now. Getting to know her parents wouldn’t make things much worse than they already were. It was probably worth it to make Chloe happy. Talking to her alone could wait.

“Okay.”

“Seriously?” She sounded surprised. Apparently I’d been a little more obvious about my urge to keep away from her family than I’d originally thought. “Okay, awesome! See you soon?”

“Yes,” I confirmed and hung up.

I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was messy, my mascara was smeared, and I probably smelled like fast food. I did what I could to fix myself up, and was halfway out of the house when Dad stopped me.

“Where’re you off to? I thought your stomach was bothering you.”

“Um, I feel a little better now,” I explained. “It stopped hurting. I’m just going to Chloe’s.”

He studied me, eyebrows furrowed. I could tell he didn’t believe me. “Are you sure? You seemed pretty upset when you got home.”

“I’m okay, Dad.” I brushed a stay tendril of hair out of my face and turned away from him quickly, eager to go.

“Wait a second, Harper. What aren’t you telling me?”

I froze in the doorway and let out a quiet sigh. Then I faced him again. He’d folded his arms across his chest now. “It’s nothing, Dad. Just… typical teenage girl stuff. I’m PMS-ing and a boy broke my heart.”

“Very funny. I’ve known you your whole life; don’t think I haven’t realized that the biggest sign something’s wrong with you is when you start using jokes to deflect my questions.”

“I’m just going to Chloe’s,” I insisted. “I’m playing board games with her family. They’re feeding me. I’m okay.”

He watched me for another long moment, and then pressed his lips together almost sadly. “I worry about you, Harper.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m anti-social. So keeping me from my new friend is definitely helping.”

“You’ve been different lately,” he told me. “You come home upset and don’t tell me why, you broke your phone the other week; you don’t tell me what’s going on in your life-”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you.” I rolled my eyes and mirrored his crossed arms with my own, the open front door abandoned behind me. “You had a girlfriend and didn’t tell me.”

“And given how you’ve reacted, can you blame me?” He shook his head, and I stared at him, suddenly feeling very numb. “It hasn’t been easy with just the two of us, Harper. But we’d watch our shows and movies together and had nightly dinners and I always knew what was going on with you and what you were going through, even if I didn’t understand it all. I always felt close to you. And now, out of nowhere, there’s this wall up I can’t get past and I can’t figure out why. I feel like I’ve done something wrong.”

He paused like he was waiting for a response, but I made no move to answer him. I just wanted to leave.

He deflated, and I watched him close his eyes and let out a deep sigh. When he spoke again, he sounded defeated. “I wanted to take us to do something fun this Saturday. Deborah likes to go camping and I thought maybe you’d want to join us. But I guess it would’ve been a mistake to ask.”

There was a long silence as we stared at each other. I broke eye contact first.

My tone felt flat as I told him, “I’m going to Chloe’s now,” and I turned and left through the front door without waiting for an answer.

* * *

Chloe’s dad was married to a woman named Hayley. She had Chloe’s light blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and there was a softness to the way she spoke and smiled that reminded me painfully of my own mother. I thought her name fit well. They sounded like a family. Kent, Hayley, and Chloe. As I spent the evening watching television and playing games with them, I wondered why their family had to be the one to be broken. They were so obviously happy in a way I could no longer remember being.

“Chloe tells me you’re joining us at Six Flags this weekend. It should be fun,” Hayley told me over dinner. I looked at Chloe next to me, taken aback, and she sighed at her mother.

“
Mom!
That was supposed to be a surprise!”

“Oh! I’m sorry, honey. I thought you’d told her.”

“Wait,” I interrupted, raising both eyebrows at Chloe. “That was what you wanted to do this weekend?”

“Well, yes. If you were okay with it. Dad wants to check out the rides and I thought it’d be fun if you came along.”

“I’m seriously not a fun person to take to amusement parks,” I explained. “I can’t ride half the rides because I’m a coward.
And
it’s expensive.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Hayley cut in. “We’d be happy to have you along. Chloe can’t wander around the park alone, anyway.”

Faced with Hayley and Kent, who was nodding along beside his wife, I couldn’t turn them down. “Wow. Thank you. I’ll try not to be boring?”

Kent chuckled as Hayley’s smile widened. “I’m sure Chloe’ll keep you busy.”

* * *

“Is your dad expecting you back soon?”

I shook my head and avoided Chloe’s curious look at my response. We were up in her room and a couple of minutes had passed since we’d finished dinner. Chloe’s bedroom was everything I’d expected it to be: a
Charlie’s Angels
poster adorned one wall, and a poster advertising a Missy Peregrym movie hung on another, her abs on display. The walls were painted a darker beige color, but not so dark that it seemed dreary. Her bed was large enough to fit at least three people on it comfortably, and Baxter, too.

“I like your parents,” I told her. I was poised on the edge of the bed, and Chloe laid across it on her back, tossing a small stuffed bear up into the air and catching it over and over again. Baxter lay on the floor beside us, fast asleep. It was the first time I’d ever seen him relaxed.

“Yeah, they’re pretty awesome. They get a little too involved sometimes, though, which can get annoying.”

“I like that. It means they care.”

“I guess so.” She caught the bear and looked over at me, a hint of a smile on her lips. “They think we’re hooking up in here.”

I wrinkled my nose and feigned disgust. “Gross.”

“Shut up!” She tossed the bear at me, and I deflected it with one hand, grinning. “I didn’t tell them anything, just so you know. I just haven’t known you for more than a month and I guess I already don’t shut up about you.”

“That’s quite the accomplishment given that I’m pretty boring,” I told her. She sat up with a scoff.

“No, you’re not. I refuse to have a boring best friend.”

The label was unexpected, and it warmed my insides. I didn’t say anything, and she arched an eyebrow at me.

“What? Am I moving too fast? Is it too soon to stop pretending like I hang out with anyone else
other
than you?”

“What about before here? You must’ve had friends where you used to live.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah, well… you know how it is when you move.”

“Actually, I don’t. I’ve lived here my whole life.”

She went back to lying down, her lips pressed together and her fingers interlocked over her stomach. For a moment, she looked deep in thought. Then she said, turning back to me, “I guess I had a lot of acquaintances. There are people you know and then people that
know
you, you know?”

I grinned at her. “Can you repeat that?”

“Okay,” she huffed out. “It’s like… I had a lot of people who knew my name and said ‘hi’ to me when we’d cross paths in the hallway at school or whatever. If I had a birthday party, I could get people to come. But I’ve never had the kind of friend I could just spill my guts to and feel comfortable with it. That feels natural with you. Maybe because it doesn’t feel like you judge me. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is basically that high school sucks.”

I forced a laugh and watched Chloe close her eyes. She seemed to relax in front of me, and I almost felt guilty when I finally broke our silence. “I can’t remember the last time I had a friend my own age.”

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled over at me. “Well, now you’ve got me… And you’re
so
riding coasters with me this Saturday.”

“Ugh,” I groaned, flopping down next to her. “Great. And right after that I can meet up with Dad for the most awkward camping trip of my life.”

“What, with the new girlfriend?”

I rolled my eyes at the ceiling. “Dad said she likes to camp, and right before I came here, he stopped me and got all mad at me because I’m not making an effort with her. She’s not
my
girlfriend.”

“I bet it’d make him happy if you went.” Chloe sat up beside me as she spoke, and I frowned over at her.

“Why can’t you just tell me that he’s a jerk for hiding her from me and that I totally have the right to be angry about it?”

“He’s a jerk for hiding her from you and you totally have the right to be angry about it,” she recited. “Also, I still bet it’d make him happy if you went camping with them.” She perked up and nudged me. “Ask him to bring me! Use the Six Flags trip to make him feel guilty. I’m treating you to a free day at a theme park. It’ll totally work.”

“That’s so manipulative.” I pondered the idea. “I like it. You sure you want to sacrifice a night in this amazing bed, though?”

“I can sleep in this any night. I’ll keep you company,” she insisted. “It’ll be fun. We’re can spend most of the day at the park, and then we’ll be so exhausted we’ll pass out before it even sinks in that we’re sleeping in a tent. Oh, but before that we can make s’mores!”

“Chocolate allergy,” I reminded her, and she groaned even as the words left my lips.

“How do you
live
?”

“Like Voldemort. A half-life. A cursed life.”

She snorted, and then her eyes widened and she hid her face, embarrassed. I laughed at her openly.

“You do that sometimes.”

“Don’t make fun of me! It’s my one flaw.”

“Aw, no. I think it’s cute,” I insisted, trying to make her feel better. When it actually occurred to me what I’d said, I pressed my lips together, regretting it. Chloe turned to look at me even as she brushed her hair out of her face, and I could tell she was struggling to hide a smirk.

“Oops,” was all she said, the teasing smile finally breaking free, and I rolled my eyes and bumped her shoulder with mine, playing it off and hoping I wasn’t turning red.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“So what else did your dad say before you came here?” she asked me abruptly. “You sounded upset on the phone.”

“Oh that wasn’t about-” I started to say, and then realized that I couldn’t tell her about what’d happened at work, given that she’d been the cause of it all. I changed gears and said instead, “…about the camping thing. I guess he thinks I’m not as close to him as we used to be. I don’t know. This summer’s just been stressful with work and…”

I trailed off, and Chloe finished, “Me?”

I avoided her eyes, embarrassed she’d been forward enough to make the suggestion. I shrugged. “I guess.” I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts and was thankful that she didn’t interrupt me. “I guess maybe I just feel like I can only handle so many people at once. Dad’s got this whole thing with Deborah going on, and Robbie and I haven’t been talking as much, and I hate my job, but I don’t know if I can afford college without it, and… now there’s you.”

There was a long pause and I felt more and more embarrassed the longer my words hung in the air. At last, Chloe said, her tone brighter and more matter-of-fact than I expected, “I get it.”

“How?” I shot back, eyes on my lap. “Your parents are together and they seem really cool and they get along with you, and you’re not working, and you don’t have a Robbie that likes to randomly remind you of how hopeless and meaningless life is in the long run. Every time I even get near him I have an existential crisis.”

Another long moment passed where neither of us spoke. Eventually, Chloe turned to look at me, eyebrows furrowed, and asked, “Is Robbie a stoner?”