Come Closer (18 page)
My first sight was his face twisted with disgust, before he quickly turned away. He was disgusted
by me,
and
begged never
to have to look at me again. Because he had never known what was inside before. He had imagined a person was as sleek and neat on the inside as outside. He couldn’t stand the mess, the chaos, the
blood.
by me,
and
begged never
to have to look at me again. Because he had never known what was inside before. He had imagined a person was as sleek and neat on the inside as outside. He couldn’t stand the mess, the chaos, the
blood.
I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t wanted. But Lilith taught me a few tricks on the banks of the Red Sea. When Adam refused to sleep with Eve, horrified that Cain had killed Abel, I came to him in his sleep. He thought it was a dream, but he was the father of my first child.
They can’t say no. All I need is a way in. A dream is the easy way but then they never know, they never even know I had them. I need someone like Amanda. She says she didn’t know. She says she didn’t want me. But I couldn’t have gotten in if she did-n’ t want me. Everyone wanted me. Each and every one.
Everyone except Ed.
T
HEN I WAS SITTING on the sofa in our apartment. Through the windows I saw a wall of white snow falling down. People were everywhere, all of them moving, walking from one room to another and back again. Two were snapping photos, a few more were looking through the apartment, poking under the table and in the bookcases. A strange kind of party. A man took my picture; I shuddered at the bright light. When my eyes cleared I looked toward the open door of the bedroom. Where was Ed?
HEN I WAS SITTING on the sofa in our apartment. Through the windows I saw a wall of white snow falling down. People were everywhere, all of them moving, walking from one room to another and back again. Two were snapping photos, a few more were looking through the apartment, poking under the table and in the bookcases. A strange kind of party. A man took my picture; I shuddered at the bright light. When my eyes cleared I looked toward the open door of the bedroom. Where was Ed?
My hearing faded back in. At first all I heard was a general buzz, the chatter of the party, and then one voice singled itself out. A man was talking to me, yelling almost, right in my ear. I turned my head. The man was sitting next to me on the sofa, an older man with slicked back hair and a cheap suit, talking loudly at me.
“Why did you DO IT? Where you having AN AFFAIR? Did he GAMBLE? Did he DRINK?”
Shhh, I tried to tell him, you don’t have to yell, but the words came out garbled and fuzzy; my mouth wasn’t all mine again yet. I looked down and saw a stain on my dress, a big red wet stain on my abdomen. I’m bleeding, I tried to tell the man. He watched me carefully as I unbuttoned my jacket and then my shirt. Everyone was watching but if I was bleeding to death, I thought, I certainly ought to be able to see the wound. But after my shirt was undone and my stomach was bare there was no red. It wasn’t me who was bleeding.
“Ed,” I screamed. I jumped up off the sofa. “Edward!” Everyone in the room stopped moving and looked at me.
“Where is he?” I screamed.
No one answered. They stood still around me and watched as I ran to the bathroom, which was empty, then to the kitchen, also empty, and then to the bedroom.
In the bedroom, blood was everywhere. Splattered on the walls, smeared on the floor. The bed was soaked through with it. On the white cotton sheets we had picked out together last year. On the goose down pillows Ed’s mother had given us two years ago for Christmas. On the black-and-white quilt we’d found at a flea market upstate, one beautiful sunny Saturday three years before. The smell was sickening. I closed my eyes and wished it all away, but when I opened them again nothing had changed. The man with slicked back hair stood next to me again.
“Why did you DO IT? Why did you KILL him?”
I moaned and vomited on the floor. When I held my head back up I saw, finger painted in browning crimson on the white wall above the bed:
I WIN.
SOMEONE EIN the building, I guess, called the police. His screams must have been unbearably loud—our nearest neighbor was two stories down. With the assistance of a public defender, who was obviously terrified of me, I pleaded to insanity and agreed to indefinite incarceration in a psychiatric hospital.
First I stabbed a girl with one of those homemade knives. I don’t know why. Then, in solitary, I grew my nails long and attacked one of the guards. Lucky for her she wasn’t pretty to begin with. So I got moved to high security
She has a grand old time here, she has all the girls following her orders, she’s sleeping with one of the guards and maybe one of the doctors. She’s like a fox in a chicken coop here in the hospital.
When I have a rare moment to myself, I lay in bed and think about Edward. I try to think of the good times, about how beautiful he was, his blond hair falling over his eyes just so when he smiled. And our home, our great big beautiful loft. I try to hold on to every last inch of him; his hands with the always-perfect square nails, thin gold band around his third finger; the soft curve where his neck dipped into his chest, and then rose to meet his collarbone; the way he liked everything just so; he would be so pleased when the apartment was clean and everything was in its place.
But as much as I try, mostly what I remember is the bedroom filled with blood.
O
F COURSE SHE
fought
at
first. They all do. And then they see the possibilities and they’re happy to go along. She could have gone on forever, in her small lonely life. But sometimes the door to a bigger life opens, and it isn’t so easy to say No. You can’t spend your whole life saying No. Sometimes you have to say Yes, and see where it takes you.
F COURSE SHE
fought
at
first. They all do. And then they see the possibilities and they’re happy to go along. She could have gone on forever, in her small lonely life. But sometimes the door to a bigger life opens, and it isn’t so easy to say No. You can’t spend your whole life saying No. Sometimes you have to say Yes, and see where it takes you.
I’MHERSall the time now, and when I see a small slice of the world it’s through her eyes, which used to be mine. Once, some time ago, I caught sight of myself in a mirror. I looked so different, older, but really more beautiful. My hair was thick and it was longer than before, and my skin was creamy and smooth. At night she takes me to the crimson beach by the red sea and we lie down and she wraps her arms around me. She tells me I’m beautiful, that she still loves me as much as she ever did, that she still wants us to be friends.
“I’ll never leave you,” she tells me, and she jabs with her tongue. “I love you,” she tells me, “I’ll never leave you alone.” And that’s all I’ve ever wanted, really: someone to love me, and never leave me alone.
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