Commitments (43 page)

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

why can't you let me work out my problem my own way?' ' it's not just your problem, and because I don't like the way you're playing Russian roulette. That's my child, too. I want it pampered a little." Sabrina took a small step back. She braced herself against the counter and tried to look composed. ' think I'm doing a lousy job.' '

- ''s what you're saying. You're telling me that I'm a negligent mother. You disapprove of what I'm doing.' ', I disapprove. You're driving yourself too hard. You're risking your own health -and that of the baby. But I want that baby, Sabrina.' ' you think I don't?' '

you do, you have a strange way of showing it.' She threw a hand into the air. just because I'm not sitting around with my feet up on the sofa, I'm not pampering this child, therefore I don't want it. That's incredible!' ' the child. Think about you. It's not good for you to be pushing yourself - ' ''m a lousy mother.'That's the gist of your accusation. As much as you give lip service to the fact that Nicky's problems weren't my fault, you're not sure. You're afraid I'll do the same thing - I , . Her words were cut off when Derek took her shoulders and gave a quick shake. His eyes were dark, the vein at his temple pulsing. ''s wrong! I'd be 440 you to take it easy even if you, d had ten other , normal, healthy babies. You're pregnant,

",Sabrina. Pregnant women don't deliberately run themselves into the ground!' *Tm not doing that.' ' '. And you can -take your hands off me, unless -,you're planning to shake me again - which would reafly make mockery of your concern for my @hysical condition.' only then did Derek realize how his fingers were biting into her skin. Straightening them, he lifted his palms from her shoulders, held up his hands and stepped away. ' think/ he said tightly, ' we have a communication problem here. I love you. Yes, I'm worried about your physical condition, but I'm also worried about your emotional state.' Her insecurities crowded in on her. ' think I'm unstable.' ' course I don't/ he muttered.

@But face it. You've been through an ordeal with one child and now you're pregnant again. Any woman would be tense. I think that you are under a perfectly understandable strain ' I can't handle it. Is that it? Well, let me ten you something, Derek/ she said. ''ve handled far worse than this. What makes you think I'll crack? Or is it the macho male viewing the weak, shriveling female?' Derek glared at her, then drove his fingers through his hair, which fell right back to his forehead. He didn't seem to notice. ', this is amazing. It's getting worse. I try to talk with you,, and you twist every word. it's like I'm walking on eggshells around 441 here and every goddamned one of them is cracking., He fumed as though to leave, then turned back. ''ve been trying to take cues from you. I haven't talked much about the baby or your fears because I haven't wanted to upset you more - okay, maybe I have some fears of my own about the baby, and I don't want to think about them either, but ignoring it is getting us nowhere fast. Because I think about that baby anyway Iand I know you do, too - so not discussing it is useless. Maybe we're doing this all wrong. Maybe we should be out walking through baby departments looking at bibs and booties and whatever else parents-to-be look for.' ' can we do that/ Sabrina cried, ' we don't even know if I'll carry to term? If that test shows something wrong - I '!' Derek boomed, gray eyes afire with indignation. ''s where you're wrong! You are assuming that something's going, to be wrong, when the chances are so, so slim of that happening.' The frustration he felt was painful, and his expression reflected that. ' say you're a realist, Sabrina, but if that were so, you'd be looking at the statistics and jumping for joy in anticipation of having a healthy baby. The statistics are in our favor, and if statistics aren't real, what are? Why in the hell do you look at the dark side?' Shades of old arguments flickered in and out of her mind. Nick calling her an alarmist. A pessimist. A purveyor of doom. '," she told Derek in a shaky voice, ''s just the way I am.' ' hell Page 160

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

it is/ Derek burst back. ' are a strong, sensible woman, only you've been burned once and now you're so afraid of going all out for happiness and losing it that you're taking chances. Is it superstition? 442 .,.'DO

you somehow feel that if the baby manages to survive you it'll he strong? Or are you really inviting it to up and abort itself?' Unable to listen to his words, yet unable to move on legs that f It rubbery, Sabrina lowered her head and covered her ears with her hands. ' don't want to hear thisii she mumbled to her chest. ' can't. I didn't ask for this situation. I didn't ask for the anguish a second time through. Damn it, I don't deserve it - ' cried, dropping her hands and raising her head. But all she saw was Derek's back. Seconds later, the door slammed behind him as he disappeared into the night. Sabrina waited for two hours. Wandering apprehensively from the kitchen to the living room and back she waited for Derek to return. With each passing minute of his absence, a hollowness grew inside. An emptiness. An intense feeling of being alone. Heedless of the fact that it was nearly midnight, she climbed up the stairs and knocked softly on J. B.'s door. She knew he was there; at the end of his book, now, he'd been catching a few hours'

sleep in the house each night before returning at dawn to work in the bam. As badly as she felt over disturbing him, she needed to talk with someone close. J.B. was her flesh and blood. He'd forgive her the intrusion. Quietly,'she opened the door and peered into the darkness. J. BY she called softly, unsteadily. J. BY But it was Ann who rose silently from bed, a waiflike figure in a long flannel gown. Casting a glance back at B. Is inert form, she tiptoed to the door. ' God/ Sabrina whispered, feeling like an utter fool. ''m sorry. I hadn't realized-" Ann put a finger to her lips, turned to grab a shawl 443 from the nearby chair and slipped into the hall, closing the door behind her. ''s really exhausted/ she whispered. Taking Sabrina's arm, she led her to the stairs and drew her down onto the top step. For a minute neither woman spoke as they sat in the half-light from below. Then Ann said,

"You didn't know?' Sabrina, who was surprised enough by what she'd just discovered to escape from her own worries, shook her head. ' should have, I suppose. When he's not working, he's with you.' ' have nightmares, awful nightmares, and when that happens it's worse if I stay in bed, so I get up and walk around.' She was talking softly, quickly, a little nervously. ' was how J.B. and I got to talking. Out in the'barn in the middle of the night. He has nightmares, too., J. B3'

Sabrina asked, startled. ', not so much now, but he used to have them, so he knows what it's like. When he's working, his mind is always on, so he has trouble sleeping. That was why he was up.' J.B. has nightmares? J.B. always caused nightmares. I never knew he had them.' ', when he was a child.' Ann had her arms wrapped around her knees and the shawl wrapped around her arms. She looked pensively toward the bottom of the stairs, then, as though reaching a decision, began to talk very softly and more slowly. ' never told anyone - I take that back - he told his father once, and his father said that nightmares were in the mind and could be easily controlled and that J. B. could do that if he tried. He did try, but the nightmares kept corning.' She smiled sadly, almost apologetically. ' were 444

nightmares, one very different from the next. He, d an over-fertile imagination with no other outlet. t he was embarrassed. He thought something was wrong with him because he couldn't make them go ay, so he kept them to himself ' didn't tell anyone. then he found his own way of coping., Sabrina didn't have to ask what that was. ' think him strange, I Ann said, turning to face er, ' they don't understand that-deep down inside @,bne part of him is still that little boy making stories up out of fear. What's incredible is that he's managed turn that fear into fame and fortune. He faced the ,,nightmares andused them to his benefit. I respect him ,@,'for that., Sabrina hadn't known that J. Page 161

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

B. had nightmares! Ann whispered out a nervous laugh. ' also think I love him, but that's beside the point.' ', it's not/ Sabrina said, feeling something lovely ,"and warm *inside. ''s because you love him that you 1@understand him. I love him, but in a different way. tie never told me about the nightmares. He never explained why he did what he did. I wish I'd known.' ' things have been different if you'd known?" Sabrina considered that, then gave a confused shrug. ,,'I don't know. Maybe I could have helped him somehow. He's lived through a lot of lonely years. Maybe that wasn't necessary.' ' like to think it was/ Ann said, ' I know that sounds cruel, but it shouldn't. J.B. has had to fight a lot of private demons. He's still fighting them, but he's a strong man in his way. A little boy with nightmares, but a strong man. Self-contained, but still needing someone.' Her voice fell to a shy whisper. Iff it hadn't been for those lonely years, I doubt I'd have climbed 445 from his bed just now.' She slanted a timid glance at Sabrina. ' you know what I mean?' Sabrina thought she did. Ann was bright and energetic, but an introvert to some extent - as was J.B. Given her interest and aptitude in the kitchen, she was also proving to be something of a homebody, which was perhaps just what J.B. needed. He had met Ann at a point in fife when he was realizing that. So good had come from the pain .'.. just as Sabrina's relationship with Derek had been forged when they'd both been in hell. Ann was suddenly looking downstairs. Following her gaze, Sabrina watched Derek step through the front door. He looked up, saw the two women, stopped. Without a word, Ann stood. She put a hand on Sabrina's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze that revealed far more than Sabrina had, then returned soundlessly to J.B. Alone on her step, Sabrina sat for what seemed an eternity. She watched Derek watch her, ached for him, ached for herself. At the height of their argument, he'd said that he loved her. She hadn't said the words, but she should have, because - looking down at him now, feeling every inch of the distance that separated them - she knew that she loved him and always would. What frightened her most was the knowledge that if it hadn't been for the pain she'd suffered with Nicky, they'd never have met. He was handsome standing there dressed so incongruously in a leather bomber jacket and sweatpants. With his dark hair disheveled, his jaw shadowed, his eye bracketed by the scar, he was formidable. He was also strong, principled, gentle, amusing and vulnerable in turn. She couldn't conceive of life without him. Rising from the step, she started down the stairs at a 446 e that didn't falter until she was sliding her arms around his waist, burying her face against his throat. ,,She felt him complete the circle and sagged a little in hef, but his arms tightened in ready support, as she'd wn they would. And then he bent his head and to nuzzle her cheek until, raising her face, she -met his mouth. @ His kiss was gentle, but deep and filled with the apology he wasn't offering aloud. Traming her face with his hands, he drew back, then kissed her from Another Ingle, then another. Each kiss was slow, ., intimate. He used his tongue to enunciate dozens of silent words, none as meaningful as the look he gave her when he held her back for a minute. I love You, his eyes said, and then he kissed her again. Her mouth, her chin, her nose, eyes, forehead - he took his -turn with each, and when he was done, he gently lifted her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. Without aword, he set her down by the side of the bed and tossed the quilt aside. Then he turned to her, caged her face and took her mouth with greater force, greater hunger and need. Sabrina thrived on all three. She'd been feeling down well before her argument with -Derek, and the argument hadn't helped. Page 162

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

She knew that she was her own worst enemy. Derek hadn't had to suggest that she was behaving irresponsibly; she'd known it herself, had been feeling guilty about it but helpless to change. Where the baby was concerned, she was ambivalent. She wanted it, she didn't want it. Ambivalence characterized much of what she'd done lately. There was nothing ambivalent, though, in the love Derek offered. Lips clinging to hers, he shrugged out of his jacket, unbuttoned his shirt and cast it aside, then went for the hem of her sweater. They parted for only 447

the few seconds it took to slip the sweater over her h6ad, then came back together, this time with their bodies bare from the waist up and touching. Hands splayed across her back, Derek worked her in a subtly undulating circle that dragged her breasts - fuller now and more sensitive than usual - against his chest. And all the while he kissed her, moist open-mouth kisses that weakened her knees as surely as his raw, masculine scent drugged her. She tried to say his name, tried to tell him that she was on fire, that she needed more, but no sound came out. All she could do was tug at the drawstring at his waist with one hand while the other slid down the front of the soft sweatpants to shape his sex. He moaned, strained closer, cupped her bottom and increased the pressure that way, but it wasn't enough. His breath was coming roughly as he backed her down to the bed. Sabrina helped him then. Impatient to feel something strong and hard filling emptiness inside, she untied the drawstring and pushed the sweatpants to his thighs. He did the rest, twisting to free himself without, taking his eyes from Sabrina's. Eyes, mouth, hands - something had to be always connecting to compensate for the few hours, just passed, when they'd been apart. Hands around his neck, Sabrina raised her hips to Derek's tugging at her jeans. She had barely kicked them from her feet when his long frame came down between her legs. then it was surging up and he was inside. She sighed, arched her back to maximize the sensation of his filling, wrapped her legs around his waist. For a long time, Derek's hips were still. Only his head moved, guided by Sabrina's hands in his hair. He 448 hot, hungry kisses over her face, down her neck, her shoulders and upper arms. Then he took her t into his mouth and drew on it with a firm, ng sucking motion. To say that his lovemaking was healing was to tell y half the truth. What he healed with his mouth he inflamed with his hands, and when the rest of his y joined in, Sabrina sizzled. They made love the way they were - Sabrina warm jud giving, defiant and fire-filled, Derek with a streak gentleness, a streak of challenge, a streak of dark sion that stopped just short of danger. They compented each other, brought out the deepest, the ttest, the best. But if there was an added fury to their lovemaking, ,,.it was the only sign of where they'd been that night. A fter they'd erupted in mind-numbing climax, then owly returned to awareness, they fell asleep in each therls arms without a word. 1he next day they left for Cleveland, where another of Lloyd Ballantine's paramours lived. After telephoning "two who had unequivocally refused to be interviewed, this one had agreed with caution, Derek hadn't wanted to give her time to change her mind. Derek had a qualm or two, namely the safety factor involved in traveling with Sabrina. If, in fact, a sniper .,had taken potshots at his car, she was in danger simply' by being with him. He was alert. Even at the farmhouse he was alert. But there'd been nothing amiss ..there, and he saw no sign of a tail on the road. As a precaution, he'd made their travel arrangements under an alias - which bothered him only in that his parole officer wouldn't approve. But he felt he had just cause. More than once he wondered if he was playing his 449 own form of Russian roulette by taking Sabrina along. But time was passing, and he needed those files. Only when he had them in hand would he be able to tackle the emotional issue of Sabrina's pregnancy. Besides, he wanted Sabrina away from the farmhouse and the many jobs she managed to drum up. So they flew to Cleveland, where they quickly learned why Cynthia Conroy had agreed to the meeting. After a Page 163