Commitments (19 page)

"Feels like heaven/ he murmured. The fingers were on his scalp, seducing his skull. ''re good at this. Is it the Nicky treatment?' She chuckled softly. '. He doesn't appreciate the finer points of massage.' ' do.' film glad.' Derek repeated those last lines to himself. They could have been suggestive or sexy, but they weren't. Sex was the last thing he wanted; given the pain he felt when he moved, he doubted he could perform if he tried. But Sabrina wasn't demanding performance. She 190 s It demanding anything. She didn't ask if she could touch him here or there - and there, now, was the crook of his neck, which she was kneading with soft, easy strokes - but she touched him with the gossamer sureness of a woman whose instincts were his. He gave a soft moan of pleasure and rubbed his cheek against her thigh.

"Sabrina?' ' do you feel when you con e herev 11 feel ... glad to see you.' ' mean about the place. Does it depress you?' ''s to depress?

We're nestled in the foothills of the Berkshires, in a yard with trees and grass and benches.. The air is fresh. The sun is shining. The birds are singing.' ' the guards in the watchtowers shoot real bullets.,

"Shh. Don't spoil it. As a matter of fact/ she resumed brightly,,'if you squint, the fences disappear.' . ''re not squinting. You're wearing rose-colored glasses. I ' so, but I'm tired of being down all the time.' She gave a light snort. ' this is easy for me to say. I'm not the one in prison blues.' Derek was, so he found little solace in the fresh air, the shining sun, the singing birds; and when he squinted, his eyes hurt. But that didn't mean that he couldn't dream. ' you could choose to be anywhere else right now, where would it be?, '

else? Hmmm ... let's see ... I think maybe Ireland. ' been there?

"Once, when I was very young. I remember everything being lush and green, cool and moist and clear. It would be nice to be there, sitting just like this.' She, 191 wondered if she'd been too revealing, but then she didn! t care. She'd already told him that she was glad to see him, and that was modestly enough put. When she was with him, the prison faded away. She could easily imagine they were in Ireland. ' do you ask?' ''s a game I play sometimes. Not often; but, once in a while at night, when I'm really down, when I think that I'm going mad lying in that damned cell, and nothing else works to take my mind off it, not even the anger, I close my eyes and picture myself in some exotic place.' '?' '. I've never been there. I'd like to go. Or the rain forest of Brazil. Or New Guinea.' Mmmmm.' She wore a small, dreamy smile as she continued to stroke him. Tahiti. The pad of her thumb moved slowly along his jaw, back and forth, up over his beard-roughened cheek to his sideburns, then, slowly, all the way down to his chin. Peaceful, Page 68

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

unspoiled, idyllic. She traced his -ear, rubbed its small lobe. From there she followed a tendon down his neck, drew her fingers across his throat, slid them under the tabs of his shirt and began gently, rhythmically to massage his chest. She could easily go to Tahiti. She didn't know if she'd have the nerve to play bare-breasted in the surf, but Derek could do that. His bare skin was a joy. Stretched over well-defined muscle, it was warm, firm, softened by fine swirls of dark, curling hair. As her fingertips played in those swirls, her eye roamed his body. There was the bulk under his shirt that she knew to be the wrapping around his ribs, but his waist and hips were as narrow as ever, his legs exceedingly long. His jeans weren't tight, but the force of gravity settled the denim against his flesh, outlining lean calves, well 192 ewed thighs and ... and sex that was heavy and Iull, even at rest. Her hands went still and she looked away, embar-, by what she'd thought. But within the space of several short breaths, she was looking back. Derek's ",,body fascinated her. She couldn't remember ever feel.-ing quite the same fascination with a man's body, "though whether that was because Derek's body was so ',beautifully made or not, she didn't know. Nick was ,.good-looking, but she'd never f@lt this kind of excitement. just then Derek's cheek touched her arm. Her eyes flew to his face, shadowed now by the folds of her skirt, and she turned crimson with guilt at having been caught with lascivious thoughts. But there was no need. His eyes were closed, more relaxed than they'd been before. In fact, his entire face - what she could see of it - was more relaxed, and it was only a rninute before she realized that his breathing was slow and even. A well of emotion surged within her. Tenderness, caring, pleasure - all peaceful, removed from time and place - deeply gratifying and renewing. With one hand cradling his head and the other on his chest, she rested against the tree and watched him while he slept. 193

Chapter 8.

Derek slept for forty minutes and would surely have gone on far longer had Sabrina not awakened him. She called his name softly, lightly shook his shoulder, then held him steady when he came to with a start. ' fell asleep/ she whispered, leaning over him. '

hours are over. They're kicking me out.' Disoriented, he stared up at her, then forced his eyes wider and looked around. ' don't believe it/

he said hoarsely. ' were wom out.' ', I'm sorry.' ''t be. I didn't mind. How do you feel?, ', I think.' He hadn't slept long, but he'd slept soundly, and he had Sabrina to thank for that. For the first time in eighteen months, he'd felt safe. Struggling to a sitting position, he asked, ''s four?' '-huh.' He looked around. The visiting yard had emptied. The prison had swallowed, its own, except for him. Knowing that shortly he too would be swallowed and that there was nothing he could do about it, he put on his bravest front. ' to from here? Are you going on to Vermont?' ' this time.' That meant she'd driven the distance solely to see him - and he'd fallen asleep on her. He felt like a heel. ' you staying overnight somewhere nearby?" She shook her head. That meant she was doing the round trip in a day. It 194 S a lot of driving, too much, he thought, and she s alone. '

...' ' relaxes me. It lets me unwind, lets me . I hadn't realized how much I missed doing it til I started coming up here., She dropped her gaze his shirtfront. Barely moving her lips, she whised, '

put the tin of aspirin in your pocket, I don't they saw me do it.' He found her attempt at subterfuge Adorable. Sabrina ,,was that, along with everything else. He hadn't seen it the start because it only came out when she was laxed. It pleased him to think that she was relaxed with him. It astonished him that she could relax at all a place like this, but that said something about her @versatihty. ' hate to tell you this, sunshine/ he drawled, ' "they'll find it in a minute. As soon as I walk through ,,@&at door, I'll be searched.' ' that routine?' As he nodded, he felt sadness stalking. As soon as he walked through that Page 69

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

door, she'd be gone. She'd be gone. The thought of it was like a tear in the fabric of his heart, and that gave him something else to consider. They'll let me keep the aspirin/ he said in a more subdued tone. '

about Ace bandages? If I pick up a couple in town and drop them at the administration building, will you get them?' ' necessarily.' '

I try anyway?' '., ''s go, folks/ said a guard sauntering by.

"Time's UP-Sabrina scrambled to her feet. It took Derek a minute 195

longer. Tiny beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead when he turned to her, closed a hand around her arm and asked, ' didn't you tell me about Nick and you last week?' She saw the urgency in his eyes and knew that she couldn't postpone the answering. She'd been too honest about other things. It was timet 11 was frightened/ she said in a whisper-soft voice that trembled. Her eyes begged for understanding. '

was using Nick as a buffer because I was frightened. I'm still frightened. You keep asking me what I'm doing here, and I can tell you that I want a friend, someone to talk to, that I want to write a book, but there's more. You said it. You feel it. I feel it too. And it frightens me, Derek. It's so, - she caught her breath istrong.' Unable to help himself, Derek took her face in his hands. It didn't matter that his lip was bruised and swollen, or that his eye was a sight, or that the way his heart was pounding threatened imminent damage to his already damaged ribs. He brushed a light kiss on her forehead, then the bridge of her nose, then her cheek. She closed her fingers around bunches of

-his shirt. 111m frightened, Derek.' ' too., ' much is happening. I don't know who I am or where I'm going.' His mouth touched hers once, then again in feathersoft touches that sent airy crinkles to the tips of her toes. '. Think later/ he whispered and kis-sed her a third time. Then he tipped his head and tried a new angle. It worked magnificently. How something as light could be as powerful was beyond her. She could almost 196 agine a magnetic pull, a pull that rendered the test touch evocative, deep and clinging. '? ' know. It's happening.' He drew her against him a low, guttural sound.. ''m hurting you!' ', no. Shhh. It's okay.'He wrapped his arms around r and pressed her body to his, imprinting the feel of on his mind. He wanted to be able to call it back ing the lonely hours, when angry eyes surrounded lim and there was little to do but count-the holes in V e wall. At those times he would remember her shape, her smell, her gentleness. She was his escape. She was ray of sun in a world that was hostile and gray. With a wrenching groan, he set her back. He took r hands from his neck, closed them in his and brought them to his lips. Hewanted to know when

:he'd see her again, but he hated to have to ask. He ted being helpless. He hated being the one visited. e hated having to sit still and wait for her return. So, Instead, he said gruffly, ''d call you sometime, but the phone's bugged., ' could give letter writing another shot., He received mail. There were typewritten letters , David, from his

'agent, from one of his exproducers and a few loyal members of his crew, as well from a handful of friends who didn't quite have the urage to visit but wanted to keep in touch. But all that was different. He imagined receiving a @Aand-written letter on jasmine-scented paper, imag-, himself lying in his cell at night reading and , it, deriving untold pleasures from the words. Then he imagined the guards reading it before him, ,@@soiling it with their beefy fingers and their petty minds. Or worse, reporting on its contents to the 4warden. Or worse, to a faceless agent of Noel Greer. 197 Derek knew that Sabrina could never work for Greer. What he didn't know was whether Greer could somehow, sometime, someplace use Sabrina to get at him. The thought was chilling. He had to see that she was protected. ' read my mail/he said. ' I'll have to make sure I don't write anything Page 70

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

incriminating., ', Sabrina. Don't write. I think it might be better that way.' ' you sure?" He nodded. She would have argued, except that he was looking pale again. She searched his face, making no effort to hide her concern. ' you don't feel well, if you start to feel worse, will you tell someone? ''ll be fine.' ' ...' Her voice trailed off. She was lost in his eyes. They were every bit as magnetic as his mouth. ' have to leave now/ she whispeied dumbly. Gray ... silver ... varying in hue with his emotion ... gunmetal now in frustration. ' may not be able to get back for a couple of weeks. The doctor suggested we try Nicky on a new program.' ' ...' She put her hand up to his face, stopping his words. She bit her lip, studied him for a lingering moment through troubled eyes, reached up and put a light kiss on his cheek, then broke away and headed for the gate. June passed for Sabrina with the speed of a snail'and the sword of Damocles hanging over her head. Not until the start of July did she see her way clear to meeting Maura for lunch. ''re a damn busy lady/ Maura drawled, holding - 198

r back after the requisite hug. ' at the museum, afternoons at the polo grounds, evenings in the royal box at the ballet.' Sabrina sputtered out a weak laugh. '. Right.' '/ her friend went on with a magnanimous sigh, q must say that such frivolity is taking its toll. Your eye is twitching.' Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Sabrina bit hard on her lower lip. She didn't let -up until she and Maura were seated in a plant-infested comer of the trendy restaurant. She took a long drink of ice water, then spread the thick linen napkin on her lap. ' I had to cancel on you last week. The doctor forbid me to get out of -bed.' ' happenedr ' passed out wheeling'Nicky through the park.' '! I ''s been one of those months.' ' what was wrong?' Sabrina shrugged. ''m a little anemic and a lot exhausted. I'm taking vitamins. They should help.' ' sleep? Are you getting it?

"Some. Soon.' Maura studied her friend's face. It was tired but calm, a calm that was disturbed only by troubled eyes. '?' ''m doing it, Maura. I'm placing Nicky at the Greenhouse. I've agonized and agonized over it, and if you say that I'm being selfish, I'll get right up from this table and walk out - I ' know I won't do that.' Sabrina paused, slowly nodded, then resumed quietly. ' just hasn't'worked. I've given him everything I have, but it isn't enough. He's unhappy. I'm 199

unhappy. The program we had him on last month did nothing. Even the doctors agreed.' How well she remembered that conversation - every word, every gesture, every feeling. She had gone for a consultation with Howard Frasier, the specialist who had directed her on the new program, and they'd been joined by his associate. Both men had looked grim, but in a different way from that to which she was accustomed. Even before she'd heard the solemnity in Frasier's voice, she sensed that a bridge had been crossed. ', Mrs. Stone/he said, ''m surprised you kept at it as long as you did. I assumed you'd stop when we agreed the program wasn't working.' ' had to be sure/ she explained. ' kept thinking, "Today's the day he'll respond." And when he didn't, I said,

"Tomorrow's the day he'll respond." Even now I'm worried that I've given up one day too soon.' ' haven't/ Frasier said. His expression had gentled, and there was a stoic regret in his voice. ' don't believe you'll ever see result@.' Sabrina had been taken off-guard. In her months, years of dealing with medical and social service personnel, none had ever been as blunt. A bit wide-eyed, she switched her gaze to Frasier's companion, who shook his head and said quietly, ' your son had been stuck in a comer and ignored since birth, Id have said that maybe this intensive program was too much too fast. But you've been stimulating him since birth. You've been talking to him, exercising him, working him on various other programs before this one. Theoretically, he'd have been ripe to respond. But he didn't. if as rigorous a program as this hasn't produced any results .' He gave a subtle shrug as his Page 71