Commitments (8 page)

"He's handicapped., ', but is putting him away the solution?' Sabrina curled into herself. ' make him sound like a doig. I'm not "putting him away." I'm simply 77 looking for a place where the people are equipped to handle problems like his.' ' can handle them. You've been through training programs. You can go through more. ' the emotional price - I ' is your son. He needs to be with you.' ' can't deal with it, Mom. If I knew things would improve by next year or the year after, I could hang on. But things aren't going to improve in five, ten or twenty years. We're talking full-time custodial care for the rest of his life., ' that what the doctors say?' '.' ', sweetheart ...' '

know. There are times when I'm so embroiled in the everyday trauma that I don't see the larger tragedy. There are other times when the entire picture is crystal-clear, and it eats me alive.' ' tragedy/ Amanda decided, ' that Nicky isn't on Dusalon. They'd be able to do something for him there. Actually, they wouldn't have to do anything for him, because they'd have caught and corrected the problem before he was bom and you'd have a wonderfully healthy boy.' ''s not on Dusalon, and we don't know that the problem is genetic. It could be - I ' the problem weren't genetic, they'd be able to fix that, too. Even the Wuftigs know about reconstructing cells and reversing brain damage. Why is it that doctors here can't do it? I The sound of her pout brought a sad smile to Sabrina's face. ' this is reality, Morn.' Her smile fisted wanly.

"Maybe you could give the doctors a little hint ... you know, a shove in the right direction?, ' can't do that. My books are copyrighted., 78

.0--ft was the standard answer Amanda gave when rina teased. The fact was, Amanda had imbued the ""Dusalonians with their extraordinary medical powers, "only after Nicky was bom. if J.B. Monroe hid behind

"","his horror stories, Amanda Monroe expressed her .1 *

...,..@wishes through science fiction. ' besides/ Amanda went on, Tarth doctors are KI, too full of themselves. They'd never listen to an alien. When I dared suggest to the young doctor who fives next door that he. should have his wife drink my ambrosia each night, he looked at me like I was crazy. That, after asking me why I look forty when I'm about to turn fifty-six. You are coming out for my party, aren't you, Sabrina?' ', Mom, I don't know.' Vhy not? it's not every day that I have a birthday. You didn't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I haven't seen you since last summer, and only then when I flew into New York, for my publisher's party.' How could Sabrina explain the pain she felt seeing her family, when she didn't wholly understand it herself ?

... No, not seeing her family. Having her family see Nicky. She wasn't ashamed of him, at least she didn't think she was. But she'd wanted to do motherhood right, and Nicky hidn't worked. She loved him. She loved her parents. She watched them watching him, and she felt odd self-conscious and guilty, maybe disappointed. And she had trouble being with J.B. He would stare at Nicky, then declare that the problem was a spirit that had entered through a hair follicle and had taken control of the child - or something else equally bizarre. And she had trouble Page 27

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

seeing J.B. Is daughters, who were seven and ten, adorable, outgoing, and quick. They had all their marbles. Her son didn't, and it hurt. 79

Iit occurred to her to wonder whether she was competing with her brother, which puzzled her, because she didn't know why she should. But she had too many things to think about, so she simply said in, response to her mother's question, ' with Nicky is such a hassle.' '

we want to see him. We want to see you.' ''s been very busy. I doubt he could take the time.' Tine/was Amanda's reaction. ' him home." Sabrina gave a dry chuckle. ' love lost there. ''ve always found Nicholas to be a little stiff for my tastes. And that was even before Nicky was bom. Is he still being difficult?' ''s okay.' ' he accepting Nicky any more than he did?' ' still denies the problem, if that's what you mean.' ' he spend time with him?' ' in a while. He tosses him in the air, roughhouses a little - anything to give a semblance of normalcy. I hold my breath when Nicky's head wobbles, but the worst of it is that Nicholas always manages to get a sound out of him. The sound may be Nicky's version of a terrified scream - we'll never know, but it is a sound2 ' Nicholas at all supportive of you?" Sabrina bowed her head and rubbed the frown lines between her eyes. Her mother wasn't in outer space now; she was right there, all there, summarizing the worst of the'situation in a nutshell. ' thinks I'm an alarmist.' ' of what he thinks of you, he has to have some respect for the doctors, doesn't he? I It had been months since Nicholas had gone with 80 to any of the appointments. ' hangs on to his S., ' like he needs a counselor himself.' Sabrina wanted to laugh. Nicholas saw himself as in total control of his life. He wouldn't admit t Nicky had problems. He'd never admit that he d problems himself

. She could just imagine his icule if she dared to suggest marital counseling. She wanted marital counseling. She wanted something. She wanted to spill everything, to tell her ,,'@"mother about the wreck that was her marriage, but she couldn't, she just couldn't. She'd taken such care in "choosing a husband, finding a man she thought to be stable and successful. Her parents had had reservations About Nicholas Stone from the first, and for reasons similar to that her mother had just narned they'd thought him to be Establishment to the core, which wasn't saying all that much, given Amanda and Gebhart's nonconformism. And it certainly wasn't a case of saying that they'd been right. Nick's conservatism hadn't destroyed the marriage. Life had done it. Fate had done it. When things had soured and the chips were down, Nicholas and she were no good together. Neither could offer what the other needed. They let each other down. They clashed. ' will come around in time/ Sabrina ventured. ' hope so for your sake. What will you do if he doesn'tv ' don't know.' It was as close as she could come to admitting that the marriage might be doomed. ', sweetheart.. *' '. Pretty depressing, isn't itv ' do need to get away. Why not come for my party and plan to stay for a few weeks?' 81 But the problem will be with me whether I'm here or there, and the advantage of being here is that there are a few trained people I can fall back on when I've had it up to my eyeballs.' ' do need to get away from Nicky for a few days. just for a breather. If you were to do that every once in a while, youd be able to manage just fine. You wouldn't have to think about putting the child in a hospital.' Later that night, then at odd times during the next few days, Sabrina took the plain white envelope from its spot between pages 209 and 210 of the book on the headboard shelf. She read and reread the message inside. She listed the pros and cons of her returning to Parkersville, reviewed them time and again in her mind. Inevitably, she refolded the paper, returned it neatly to its envelope, returned the envelope to that safe spot in her book and the book to its shelf. Maura Coryelle was a bundle of energy. She was by profession a literary agent, but at any given time she had her fingers in a dozen Page 28

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

other pies. She'd had grand successes and gross failures, but she was a survivor. She bounced back. Single, and generally on the make, she was alternatively an angel, a devil and a minx. She was wily. She was loyal. She made the society pages of Town and Country as often as Sabrina. She told jokes that were more than a little off color, and her'conversation was peppered with swear words. She was just what Sabrina needed. A week had gone by since Sabrina had talked with her mother. Six days had gone by since she'd resumed canng for Nicky. Her husband's face had been as scarce as ever during that time. ', Maura/ Sabrina said with a voluminous sigh 82 ents after the maitre d' seated them, ''s great to be out of the house. It's great to be in a restaurant. And @,it's great to be with you. Not in that order, of course.' ' course/ Maura said with an acknowledging nod. ' you can't fool me. And I know just what the attraction is. As we get older, we revert to our youth. I represent your youth.' Sabrina and Maura had'been high school pals in-San Francisco, and a more improbable friendship wasn't often to be found. They were different in looks, background, personality and aspirations, but they complemented each other and had continued to do so even through the college years when they'd come East - Sabrina to Columbia, Maura to NYU. Their relationship now had the benefit of history. _ ' represent my adulthood/ Sabrina corrected. ''s been so long since I've been out for lunch that I feel like I'm playing grown-up.' With a regal air that she pulled'off with grace, she settled her elbows on the velvet arms of her chair, looked up and around and caught the eye of the wine steward. He was at their table seconds later. ''d like a dry Vouvray, please." The steward nodded and left. Who's picking up the tab?' Maura asked.

"Me.' '.' She relaxed and sat back. ' we . 21 celebrating.

"We're relaxing.' '-oh, things are as bad at, ever at home? Sabrina held up a hand. '. Not today., ' do you mean, not today? I '

don't want to think about home. I'm tired of hearing myself whine all the time. I'm as bad as Nicky ... unnnh, I don't want to talk about it., 83 ' this is me. Maura. If you can't pour out your heart to me, who can you pour it out to? I Sabrina set her chin at a confident angle.

"I'm not pouring today. So. How's work? By the way, you look terrific. I love your hair. I Maura shook the mass of Ion& Titian waves back from her face. ' thought I'd try life as a redhead.' ' is it? I ' bad. Hmmm, pretty good. Actually'-she gave a Cheshire cat grin, leaned forward and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial level - ''s fuckin'

great! I met a guy last night who is not to be believed. I mean, tall and dark, good-looking as hell, silent, mysterious - and an absolute dream in bed.' ''s his name?' ' name? I A moment's pregnant pause preceeded a mischievous shrug. Sabrina stared. ''re kidding.' Maura shook her head. ' could you not know his name? ' was part of it," she explained excitedly. ' was fantasy from the word go. Our eyes caught in the elevator of the Park Lane; we kept tabs on each other through three hours' worth of dinner with other people at the restaurant; he was at the door when I was leaving, escorted me around the block, in the back door of the hotel and up to a room on the eleventh floor. it was unbelievably romantic. I ' was insane. He could have been a mugger. Or a pervert. For that matter, he could have given you something. Have you stopped to consider that?' ' should I consider it with you here to do it for me? That's why our friendship works, Sabrina. You're rational. I'm impulsive.' Sabrina realized that she'd summed it up pretty well. 84 Maura counted on her practicality; she counted on Maura's freshness. Not that picking up a guy in an elevator thrilled Sabrina ... ' can relax/Maura went on. ' was Page 29

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

okay, really he was. He's a lawyer from Houston.' '?' Maura sucked in her lips and rounded her eyes. The expression said, '

should I know?' She said, ' said no.' ' you give him your name?"

"Why in the hell would I want to do that? ' he could contact you again?' Tut giving him my name would have been too easy. I made a point to drop the names of a few of my more prominent clients. if he's interested in finding me, a phone call to any one of them will do the trick.' ' clever.' '. But the fun was in the anonymity of it, the naughtiness, don't you see?' Sabrina didn't see at all, but then, she was the nesting type. Maura was not. ''ll take your word for it/

she said with a smile for the wine steward, who had returned to present the bottle he'd chosen. ' looks fine., After the bottle had been uncorked, a sample tasted and approved and their glasses filled, she raised hers. ' freedom. I '? Where did that come from?' Sabrina was at that very instant asking herself the same question. Images flitted through her mind - of prisons, one, on Fifth Avenue, the other in the Berkshires. She dislodged them with a tiny, almost imperceptible shake of her head. ' don't know. It just came. See what you do to me?"

"I wish I could do more to you/ Maura said. She 85 sipped her wine and carefully set the glass down. ' wish Icould get you to write again."

"Work is slow?' Sabrina teased. Vork is never slow! ' you can't be missing me. What're you into now!' ' books? A little music, a little art. And lots of cheesecake.' Sabrina covered her face with a hand and moaned. ' don't believe it, Maura. Cheesecake?, ' that kind of cheesecake. Cheesecake cheesecake - you know, the kind you eat? I met a girl who makes the most delicious cheesecake you've ever tasted plain, chocolate, marble, raspberry, you name it, and in any shape and size. Baby Watson moooove over.' ' good?' Sabrina asked, amused now that her faith had been marginally restored. She still wasn't sure about the fellow at the Park Lane, but at least Maura's mind wasn't stuck in one track. q'hat good. She's ' running a small catering business out of her house, but she'd like to do something bigger - I mean, much bigger, with factories and trucks and nationwide distribution - only, she needs financial backing and has no idea how to get it.' ' is where you come in.' '. And why not? Christ, I haven't got much to lose. If I put the deal together, I get a percentage, which could turn out to be pretty damned sweet if the cheesecake sells., ' will it?" Sabrina asked gently, almost apologetically. ''s been around for a while. You won't be breaking any new ground, and you'll be competing with well-established companies., 86 Maura leaned forward, looked to either side, then whispered, ' do goose eggs ... grab you? ' eggs? I '! What I'm telling you is confidential, Sabrina. Yes, goose eggs ... as in what the golden gooselays ... except made of cheesecake. Think of the marketing possibilities. The upwardly mobile American is watching TV at night, gets a little hungry, goes to the freezer and reaches for a treasure., '. I see. Nhumm, that's interesting. y Maura pulled a crestfallen face. ' don't like the idea.' 11 do; it's just that you took me by surprise. Somehow I wasn't prepared for goose eggs., ''t you dare laugh, Sabrina Stone., , trying not to, Maura, really I am.' ' it, I wouldn't have to muck around with cheesecake if you'd give me another book to peddle.' ''m not the only author you represent. y ' you're the best. Whenever I see Normarraguire, he asks about you. He's still selling your first." Sabrina had written a biography of her paternal grandmother, whose ork with the Tennessee Valley Authority in the 1930s had been legendary, The book was historically exact and presented a view of those times not often seen. ' are snatching it, up for textbook use, libraries want it - but you know that. You're still seeing nice royalties. Norm will pay top dollar for another. And don't tell me that the money isn't important/ she said as Sabrina was about to say just that, ' it doesn't have to be the money. You could do it for the intellectual stimulation. You could do it because you were meant to be a writer. You could do it to show up J.B. Or you could do it for something as pure Page 30