Common Sense Doesn't Become Me (24 page)

I pouted my lips, glared his direction as my
hands instinctively went to my hips, and a go fuck yourself look
set on my face. That got a huge roll of laughter out of him, and he
was in the sheriff's car and driving away with the lights on in a
matter of seconds.

I doubted he had anywhere to go. He was
probably one of those cops that just liked to put his lights on and
speed, to get wherever he was going just because he wanted to. I
guess with his new authority, not to add to the fact that a body
and smile like he had, he probably could get away with just about
anything he wanted to. That would include seducing me if he so
desired. If it wasn't his sexy as sin smile that made me want to
crumble it was his piercing steel blue eyes with his dark-brown
hair setting those eyes on fire. And, if I was to be completely
honest with myself, it was his muscular body and authoritative
demeanor that made me want him to be my personal rescue hero.

All of these thoughts about the new Sheriff
Cal raised a serious question in my mind, would I be finding more
trouble - intentionally, no - or would more trouble be finding me.
I shook that thought off as I opened up my door to unit number two
in my fourplex of tiny white row homes that looked like summer
cottages, compliments of my landlord and her great skill for
gardening.

I got inside my tiny home, sat down in my
chair looking out at the gardens that old Ms. Mallei, my landlord,
worked on religiously and started to cry. Unfortunately, my pity
party ended quickly with a solid hard knock at my door.

I opened it quickly without thinking about
wiping my eyes or looking to see who was behind my door, when none
other than Sheriff Cal stood there with my purse strap in his hand,
holding it up in front of my face. I looked down and thanked him,
and I saw a quick flash of emotion in his face. I grabbed my purse,
started to turn and close the door when I heard him clear his
throat, and watched him put his foot in my door. "Sorry Kia but I
have to ask you to come back with me to the station right now. I
need you to submit to a piss test. Deputy Mike saw you drinking a
beer with some women right before the accident."

"But I passed the roadside sobriety test." I
started to doubt that what I saw was an empathy emotion right
before he lodged his foot in my door but a flash of some kind of
giddy he got from riling up the locals.

"Nonetheless. Piss test." He stepped inside,
and I stepped back. "Go wash that melted chocolate off your face,
and we can go."

I turned to walk towards my bathroom then
felt his footsteps behind me. I turned back around, and I ran smack
dab into a solid brick wall of olive green soft cotton tee shirt,
letting the melted M&M mess from my face land squarely on his
upper chest of his shirt. I remembered back distinctly while the
rescue crew worked the jaws of life on my car, I was shoving
handfuls of quickly melting candy into my mouth. Then just as the
cutter made its way through the metal roof, the front windshield
popped forward in one solid piece, and everyone started to laugh.
Cal's voice broke through the laughter with a 'someone just help
her crawl out on the hood' authoritative voice. At that memory, I
grabbed a fistful of Cal's shirt letting my hand brush at his naked
stomach underneath. I wiped my face off and put a smirk on my face,
then let the fistful of shirt go and letting the back of my hand
brush across his six-pack of muscular structure. I felt a flinch of
his muscles tighten, and a quick flash of lust crossed my new
sheriff's face.

"You missed a spot." His laughter felt like
nails on a chalkboard. How could he laugh at this entire situation
so easily when all I wanted to do was kiss that smug look off his
face? I really wanted to let my hands explore his naked body, those
hard muscles, those broad shoulders, those... My thoughts got
interrupted with a sharp snap of my name. "Kia?"

Hiding my embarrassment, I stomped the rest
of the way back into the bathroom to grab a wet washcloth and wipe
my face. There was only a small chocolate smear, but I wiped it off
any ways. My mascara, on the other hand, began to run down my face
in black water like streaks. I guess I should have known better to
wear waterproof mascara today. I began to fix my makeup when I
caught a look from Cal out of the corner of my eye in the mirror.
He was watching me with a look of sexual interest in his eyes as he
leaned into the doorframe of my bathroom. I felt a small prowess
build in me, and I began to play with putting on my makeup in a
sexual fashion.

Before I knew it, he blurted out. "That's
enough. It's not a fashion contest, just a piss test. I still need
to make it into work for my first day. Christ woman, when they
warned me about you, I had no idea that they weren't kidding."

I turned and stomped my left foot hard on his
running shoe, oozed out a fake 'oops, I'm sorry' then brushed
passed him with a side shoulder hit into his rock hard upper body
and headed right to my room to change. I slammed and locked the
door behind me and listened to his voice through my door as I
rubbed my shoulder. I think I hurt my shoulder and foot more than
his. He was built rock solid, and I was built like the five foot
six inch lightweight frame God gave me.

His voice penetrated my locked door while I
quickly changed out of my summer shorts and tank top to a
long-sleeve denim button shirt and jeans. I had a feeling, that by
the time we were done and the sun was going down it would be cold,
and I was planning on walking home the two miles from the sheriff
station. "Now Kia, we don't need to get off on the wrong foot. Your
reputation precedes yourself. However, I'll have you know that I
ran a marine platoon, and I've come across a lot tougher than a
woman like you."

I opened the door and looked him square in
the eyes. "A woman like me?"

"You might want to finish buttoning your
shirt before I have to add indecent exposure to those charges." I
looked down and noticed my black lace bra was front and center, and
my denim shirt was loose and open to show off my B cup boobies for
all to see. They weren't huge, but they were being pushed right up
there by my demi push-up bra complements of V's Secrets. Right now,
my bra is no secret.

I turned around and finished buttoning my
shirt, the shirt I inadvertently forgot to button at the snap
remark about a woman like me. For now, I was going to let that one
go. I grabbed my walking shoes out of my closet and sat down to put
them on. I never once looked Sheriff Cal in the eyes until we got
back to the police station, and he informed me that he was the one
that had to watch me take the piss test.

"What do you mean there are no females on
staff to watch me?"

"Baby shower. They all took off, and since I
was only coming in to get my uniforms and paperwork today, the rest
of the office is short staffed. If my truck hadn't broken down I
would be back at home right now catching the last of the final four
games on TV."

I looked around the office and there was two
other older gentleman who worked with Sheriff Cleat for thirty
years - twenty-five of them dealing with me. I did not like my
options. Neither of those men were going to get me to pee into a
cup in front of them.

"Fine." I grabbed the pee cup and marched off
towards the restroom, listening for the sounds of one Sheriff Cal
Taylor ramble on about missing the basketball game, and somebody
should have warned him more about me.

We stood there face to face in the bathroom
stall. He was standing with both his hands on the top edge of the
metal bathroom stall walls, and the door kicked open, off to the
side. I stood there holding the pee cup between us with pleading
eyes, fully dressed and unable to pee in front of a man. My nerves
were feeling like they were at the end of their rope, and my eyes
were beginning to brim with tears.

"I can't pee. I don't have to. It was only
one beer at lunch. Call over to where I ate, and they can confirm
it. I don't think I can pee in front of a man."

"Don't move." He marched out of the ladies
restroom and was back with a bottle of water. He flipped the water
faucet on and let the water run down the drain, I guess in hopes
the sound of running water would speed the process up. He handed me
the bottle of water and gave me that smile that I was beginning to
confuse with sexy when really it was probably a smile he used when
he wanted his way with the women. "Drink this. All of this. Listen
to the water and plop a squat. Think of me as just an officer of
the law. Visualize I'm a woman. There's nothing on you, I haven't
seen a million times before."

I let myself try to visualize those six-pack
of abs and muscular chest in a woman's dress, his dark short cut
hair in a woman's blonde wig and hairy muscular legs in heels and
pantyhose, and I started to laugh. I snorted out a laugh that
embarrassed the shit out of me. "Hardly." Was the only word that
came out of my mouth.

His eyes turned to a glare, and he pronounced
my word in repetition with a question mark. "Hardly?"

I caught my breath from laughing and quickly
replaced the mental image of Sheriff Cal as a woman and visualized
the huge line of gorgeous women lined up behind him waiting for a
chance at Sheriff Cal's naked hard body. I squared my shoulders and
for women everywhere who waste their time pining over a man like
Sheriff Cal, I drank the entire bottle of water and handed off the
empty bottle to him. I unscrewed the cap to the piss cup and handed
him the cap. I unzipped my jeans, thankful my denim top was
extra-long to cover me, dropped to the toilet seat with the piss
cup in my hand and shoved it between my legs.

Nothing. Not a drop. I cleared my throat
several times and he never once took his eyes off of me. Something
in his eyes softened on me a bit. Maybe it was the blue in them
that made me think of storm clouds brewing. Maybe it was the way
the blacks of his eyes enlarged a bit for a flash and returned to
normal. Maybe it was the fact that for five whole minutes, I sat on
that toilet with my hand under me trying my dandiest to pee and
just could not let a drop loose.

"Christ woman. You are as tough as they say.
Forget it. It's been over three hours since you slammed your car
between those boulders, six hours since you had a beer at lunch.
I'm hungry, tired, got a truck to fix and a game to catch. Meet me
in my office once you're done."

I sat in that bathroom for fifteen more
minutes. Not a single drop of pee. I washed my hands, applied
makeup from my purse, filed my nails, texted Meg with an update of
where I was at and called my mother back to answer her questions
about me being on the five o'clock news. Apparently, through all
the mess, I did not notice a news crew there. And, they always
revamped my previous mishaps. I was a local mess a muck that kept
everyone busy with conversations for the next week or two until
some other caper came our way. I should be proud to carry the title
of the county, but instead I was feeling like my time had come for
things to change.

Just as I hung up with my mom, the bathroom
door flung open. Cal stood there with a look on his face that made
me want to melt. "Let's go."

I questioned what he meant. "Go where?"

"Home."

"I can walk."

"Suit yourself." Then he turned and walked
back out of the women's restroom. I quickly went running after
him.

"Does this mean I don't have to pee in a
cup?"

"Yup." He kept on walking until he got to his
office. I tossed the unused pee cup into an empty trash can en
route to follow him at a brisk pace. He grabbed three uniforms on
hangers in dry cleaner bags and turned back towards me closing his
door behind him.

"What about the paperwork?" I wasn't sure,
but the old Sheriff Cleat had never made me do my own paperwork or
file. In fact, most times he never filed paperwork on me at all,
not to mention he changed facts to keep the media from the real
scandalous story, but something told me he didn't keep it from
himself or the new Sheriff Cal Taylor.

"Forget about it." His look softened a bit,
but his body language gave me the impression he couldn't get away
from me quick enough.

"So does that mean there won't be charges?" I
fidgeted with my purse and looked down the hall to see that the
next shift of staff was starting to arrive.

"Nope. And don't take the next thing I say
wrong, but I hope we don't meet again."

At that instant, my heart sank. I had some
stupid romantic notion back in the bathroom that I had a glimmer of
hope that Sheriff Cal and I, were going to get to know each other
on a much more intimate level when I wasn't getting in trouble or
being rescued. I guess the disappointment showed on my face as a
soft set of words left his lips.

"Nothing personable. It's just I took this
job hoping for a nice quiet town." He turned and began walking down
the hallway, and I turned the other direction and began to walk out
the front doors of the sheriff station for the umpteenth time in my
life.

I hadn't made it ten blocks before I had to
pee. I walked three more blocks convincing myself I didn't need to
go and two more blocks after that, I spent looking for a huge bush
to pee behind. The sun was down, and it was dark enough that no one
would see. I still had a bit to go and no business in sight to use
their facilities, so I noticed a small run-down house set back away
from the street and some unruly bushes. I took a quick look around,
and the house seemed empty; I unzipped my jeans, squatted down and
took the longest piss of my life.

Only problem was, sometime during that piss a
set of headlights illuminated my naked ass in the bushes, and me
squatting down. The next thing I saw were red and blue flashing
lights for a second and a voice coming over the sheriff's car
intercom. "You have got to be kidding me. Now you can pee?"