Complete Stories (27 page)
Authors: Dorothy Parker,Colleen Bresse,Regina Barreca
Nevertheless, eight minutes for the settling of two suitcases and a hat-box is a long time.
He sat down, leaning back against bristled green plush, in the seat opposite the girl in beige. She looked as new as a peeled egg. Her hat, her fur, her frock, her gloves were glossy and stiff with novelty. On the arc of the thin, slippery sole of one beige shoe was gummed a tiny oblong of white paper, printed with the price set and paid for that slipper and its fellow, and the name of the shop that had dispensed them.
She had been staring raptly out of the window, drinking in the big weathered signboards that extolled the phenomena of codfish without bones and screens no rust could corrupt. As the young man sat down, she turned politely from the pane, met his eyes, started a smile and got it about half done, and rested her gaze just above his right shoulder.
“Well!” the young man said.
“Well!” she said.
“Well, here we are,” he said.
“Here we are,” she said. “Aren’t we?”
“I should say we were,” he said. “Eeyop. Here we are.”
“Well!” she said.
“Well!” he said. “Well. How does it feel to be an old married lady?”
“Oh, it’s too soon to ask me that,” she said. “At least—I mean. Well, I mean, goodness, we’ve only been married about three hours, haven’t we?”
The young man studied his wrist-watch as if he were just acquiring the knack of reading time.
“We have been married,” he said, “exactly two hours and twenty-six minutes.”
“My,” she said. “It seems like longer.”
“No,” he said. “It isn’t hardly half-past six yet.”
“It seems like later,” she said. “I guess it’s because it starts getting dark so early.”
“It does, at that,” he said. “The nights are going to be pretty long from now on. I mean. I mean—well, it starts getting dark early.”
“I didn’t have any idea what time it was,” she said. “Everything was so mixed up, I sort of don’t know where I am, or what it’s all about. Getting back from the church, and then all those people, and then changing all my clothes, and then everybody throwing things, and all. Goodness, I don’t see how people do it every day.”
“Do what?” he said.
“Get married,” she said. “When you think of all the people, all over the world, getting married just as if it was nothing. Chinese people and everybody. Just as if it wasn’t anything.”
“Well, let’s not worry about people all over the world,” he said. “Let’s don’t think about a lot of Chinese. We’ve got something better to think about. I mean. I mean—well, what do we care about them?”
“I know,” she said. “But I just sort of got to thinking of them, all of them, all over everywhere, doing it all the time. At least, I mean—getting married, you know. And it’s—well, it’s sort of such a big thing to do, it makes you feel queer. You think of them, all of them, all doing it just like it wasn’t anything. And how does anybody know what’s going to happen next?”
“Let them worry,” he said. “We don’t have to. We know darn well what’s going to happen next. I mean. I mean—well, we know it’s going to be great. Well, we know we’re going to be happy. Don’t we?”
“Oh, of course,” she said. “Only you think of all the people, and you have to sort of keep thinking. It makes you feel funny. An awful lot of people that get married, it doesn’t turn out so well. And I guess they all must have thought it was going to be great.”
“Come on, now,” he said. “This is no way to start a honeymoon, with all this thinking going on. Look at us—all married and everything done. I mean. The wedding all done and all.”
“Ah, it was nice, wasn’t it?” she said. “Did you really like my veil?”
“You looked great,” he said. “Just great.”
“Oh, I’m terribly glad,” she said. “Ellie and Louise looked lovely, didn’t they? I’m terribly glad they did finally decide on pink. They looked perfectly lovely.”
“Listen,” he said. “I want to tell you something. When I was standing up there in that old church waiting for you to come up, and I saw those two bridesmaids, I thought to myself, I thought, ‘Well, I never knew Louise could look like that!’ Why, she’d have knocked anybody’s eye out.”
“Oh, really?” she said. “Funny. Of course, everybody thought her dress and hat were lovely, but a lot of people seemed to think she looked sort of tired. People have been saying that a lot, lately. I tell them I think it’s awfully mean of them to go around saying that about her. I tell them they’ve got to remember that Louise isn’t so terribly young any more, and they’ve got to expect her to look like that. Louise can say she’s twenty-three all she wants to, but she’s a good deal nearer twenty-seven.”
“Well, she was certainly a knock-out at the wedding,” he said. “Boy!”
“I’m terribly glad you thought so,” she said. “I’m glad some one did. How did you think Ellie looked?”
“Why, I honestly didn’t get a look at her,” he said.
“Oh, really?” she said. “Well, I certainly think that’s too bad. I don’t suppose I ought to say it about my own sister, but I never saw anybody look as beautiful as Ellie looked today. And always so sweet and unselfish, too. And you didn’t even notice her. But you never pay attention to Ellie, anyway. Don’t think I haven’t noticed it. It makes me feel just terrible. It makes me feel just awful, that you don’t like my own sister.”
“I do so like her!” he said. “I’m crazy for Ellie. I think she’s a great kid.”
“Don’t think it makes any difference to Ellie!” she said. “Ellie’s got enough people crazy about her. It isn’t anything to her whether you like her or not. Don’t flatter yourself she cares! Only, the only thing is, it makes it awfully hard for me you don’t like her, that’s the only thing. I keep thinking, when we come back and get in the apartment and everything, it’s going to be awfully hard for me that you won’t want my own sister to come and see me. It’s going to make it awfully hard for me that you won’t ever want my family around. I know how you feel about my family. Don’t think I haven’t seen it. Only, if you don’t ever want to see them, that’s your loss. Not theirs. Don’t flatter yourself!”
“Oh, now, come on!” he said. “What’s all this talk about not wanting your family around? Why, you know how I feel about your family. I think your old lady—I think your mother’s swell. And Ellie. And your father. What’s all this talk?”
“Well, I’ve seen it,” she said. “Don’t think I haven’t. Lots of people they get married, and they think it’s going to be great and everything, and then it all goes to pieces because people don’t like people’s families, or something like that. Don’t tell me! I’ve seen it happen.”
“Honey,” he said, “what is all this? What are you getting all angry about? Hey, look, this is our honeymoon. What are you trying to start a fight for? Ah, I guess you’re just feeling sort of nervous.”
“Me?” she said. “What have I got to be nervous about? I mean. I mean, goodness, I’m not nervous.”
“You know, lots of times,” he said, “they say that girls get kind of nervous and yippy on account of thinking about—I mean. I mean—well, it’s like you said, things are all so sort of mixed up and everything, right now. But afterwards, it’ll be all right. I mean. I mean—well, look, honey, you don’t look any too comfortable. Don’t you want to take your hat off? And let’s don’t ever fight, ever. Will we?”
“Ah, I’m sorry I was cross,” she said. “I guess I did feel a little bit funny. All mixed up, and then thinking of all those people all over everywhere, and then being sort of ’way off here, all alone with you. It’s so sort of different. It’s sort of such a big thing. You can’t blame a person for thinking, can you? Yes, don’t let’s ever, ever fight. We won’t be like a whole lot of them. We won’t fight or be nasty or anything. Will we?”
“You bet your life we won’t,” he said.
“I guess I will take this darned old hat off,” she said. “It kind of presses. Just put it up on the rack, will you, dear? Do you like it, sweetheart?”
“Looks good on you,” he said.
“No, but I mean,” she said, “do you really like it?”
“Well, I’ll tell you,” he said. “I know this is the new style and everything like that, and it’s probably great. I don’t know anything about things like that. Only I like the kind of a hat like that blue hat you had. Gee, I liked that hat.”
“Oh, really?” she said. “Well, that’s nice. That’s lovely. The first thing you say to me, as soon as you get me off on a train away from my family and everything, is that you don’t like my hat. The first thing you say to your wife is you think she has terrible taste in hats. That’s nice, isn’t it?”
“Now, honey,” he said, “I never said anything like that. I only said——”
“What you don’t seem to realize,” she said, “is this hat cost twenty-two dollars. Twenty-two dollars. And that horrible old blue thing you think you’re so crazy about, that cost three ninety-five.”
“I don’t give a darn what they cost,” he said. “I only said—I said I liked that blue hat. I don’t know anything about hats. I’ll be crazy about this one as soon as I get used to it. Only it’s kind of not like your other hats. I don’t know about the new styles. What do I know about women’s hats?”
“It’s too bad,” she said, “you didn’t marry somebody that would get the kind of hats you’d like. Hats that cost three ninety-five. Why didn’t you marry Louise? You always think she looks so beautiful. You’d love her taste in hats. Why didn’t you marry her?”
“Ah, now, honey,” he said. “For heaven’s sakes!”
“Why didn’t you marry her?” she said. “All you’ve done, ever since we got on this train, is talk about her. Here I’ve sat and sat, and just listened to you saying how wonderful Louise is. I suppose that’s nice, getting me all off here alone with you, and then raving about Louise right in front of my face. Why didn’t you ask her to marry you? I’m sure she would have jumped at the chance. There aren’t so many people asking her to marry them. It’s too bad you didn’t marry her. I’m sure you’d have been much happier.”
“Listen, baby,” he said, “while you’re talking about things like that, why didn’t you marry Joe Brooks? I suppose he could have given you all the twenty-two-dollar hats you wanted, I suppose!”
“Well, I’m not so sure I’m not sorry I didn’t,” she said. “There! Joe Brooks wouldn’t have waited until he got me all off alone and then sneered at my taste in clothes. Joe Brooks wouldn’t ever hurt my feelings. Joe Brooks has always been fond of me. There!”
“Yeah,” he said. “He’s fond of you. He was so fond of you he didn’t even send a wedding present. That’s how fond of you he was.”
“I happen to know for a fact,” she said, “that he was away on business, and as soon as he comes back he’s going to give me anything I want, for the apartment.”
“Listen,” he said. “I don’t want anything he gives you in our apartment. Anything he gives you, I’ll throw right out the window. That’s what I think of your friend Joe Brooks. And how do you know where he is and what he’s going to do, anyway? Has he been writing to you?”
“I suppose my friends can correspond with me,” she said. “I didn’t hear there was any law against that.”
“Well, I suppose they can’t!” he said. “And what do you think of that? I’m not going to have my wife getting a lot of letters from cheap traveling salesmen!”
“Joe Brooks is not a cheap traveling salesman!” she said. “He is not! He gets a wonderful salary.”
“Oh yeah?” he said. “Where did you hear that?”
“He told me so himself,” she said.
“Oh, he told you so himself,” he said. “I see. He told you so himself.”
“You’ve got a lot of right to talk about Joe Brooks,” she said. “You and your friend Louise. All you ever talk about is Louise.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sakes!” he said. “What do I care about Louise? I just thought she was a friend of yours, that’s all. That’s why I ever even noticed her.”
“Well, you certainly took an awful lot of notice of her today,” she said. “On our wedding day! You said yourself when you were standing there in the church you just kept thinking of her. Right up at the altar. Oh, right in the presence of God! And all you thought about was Louise.”
“Listen, honey,” he said, “I never should have said that. How does anybody know what kind of crazy things come into their heads when they’re standing there waiting to get married? I was just telling you that because it was so kind of crazy. I thought it would make you laugh.”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve been all sort of mixed up today, too. I told you that. Everything so strange and everything. And me all the time thinking about all those people all over the world, and now us here all alone, and everything. I know you get all mixed up. Only I did think, when you kept talking about how beautiful Louise looked, you did it with malice and forethought.”
“I never did anything with malice and forethought!” he said. “I just told you that about Louise because I thought it would make you laugh.”
“Well, it didn’t,” she said.
“No, I know it didn’t,” he said. “It certainly did not. Ah, baby, and we ought to be laughing, too. Hell, honey lamb, this is our honeymoon. What’s the matter?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “We used to squabble a lot when we were going together and then engaged and everything, but I thought everything would be so different as soon as you were married. And now I feel so sort of strange and everything. I feel so sort of alone.”
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