Complete Stories (31 page)
Authors: Dorothy Parker,Colleen Bresse,Regina Barreca
The telephone rang.
The young man threw one stricken glance at the young woman and then sat motionless. The jangles of the bell cut the dusk like little scissors.
“I think,” said the young woman, exquisitely, “that your telephone is ringing. Don’t let me keep you from answering it. As a matter of fact, I really must go powder my nose.”
She sprang up, dashed through the bedroom, and into the bathroom. There was the sound of a closed door, the grind of a firmly turned key, and then immediately the noise of rushing waters.
When she returned, eventually, to the living-room, the young man was pouring a pale, cold liquid into small glasses. He gave one to her, and smiled at her over it. It was his wistful smile. It was of his best.
“Hobie,” she said, “is there a livery stable anywhere around here where they rent wild horses?”
“What?” he said.
“Because if there is,” she said, “I wish you’d call up and ask them to send over a couple of teams. I want to show you they couldn’t drag me into asking who that was on the telephone.”
“Oh,” he said, and tried his cocktail. “Is this dry enough, sweet? Because you like them dry, don’t you? Sure it’s all right? Really? Ah, wait a second, darling. Let
me
light your cigarette. There. Sure you’re all right?”
me
light your cigarette. There. Sure you’re all right?”
“I can’t stand it,” she said. “I just lost all my strength of purpose—maybe the maid will find it on the floor in the morning. Hobart Ogden, who was that on the telephone?”
“Oh, that?” he said. “Well, that was a certain lady who shall be nameless.”
“I’m sure she should be,” she said. “She doubtless has all the other qualities of a—Well. I didn’t quite say it, I’m keeping my head. Ah, dearest, was that Connie Holt again?”
“No, that was the funniest thing,” he said. “That was Evie Maynard. Just when we were talking about her.”
“Well, well, well,” she said. “Isn’t it a small world? And what’s on her mind, if I may so flatter her? Is
her
butler tight, too?”
her
butler tight, too?”
“Evie hasn’t got a butler,” he said. He tried smiling again, but found it better to abandon the idea and concentrate on refilling the young woman’s glass. “No, she’s just dizzy, the same as usual. She’s got a cocktail party at her apartment, and they all want to go out on the town, that’s all.”
“Luckily,” she said, “you had to go out with these friends of your sister’s. You were just going out the door when she called.”
“I never told her any such thing!” he said. “I said I had a date I’d been looking forward to all week.”
“Oh, you didn’t mention any names?” she said.
“There’s no reason why I should, to Evie Maynard,” he said. “It’s none of her affair, any more than what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with is any concern of mine. She’s nothing in my life. You know that. I’ve hardly seen her since she did the apartment. I don’t care if I never see her again. I’d
rather
I never saw her again.”
rather
I never saw her again.”
“I should think that might be managed, if you’ve really set your heart on it,” she said.
“Well, I do what I can,” he said. “She wanted to come in now for a cocktail, she and some of those interior decorator boys she has with her, and I told her absolutely no.”
“And you think that will keep her away?” she said. “Oh, no. She’ll be here. She and her feathered friends. Let’s see—they ought to arrive just about the time that Mrs. Holt has thought it over and come in to town. Well. It’s shaping up into a lovely evening, isn’t it?”
“Great,” he said. “And if I may say so, you’re doing everything you can to make it harder, you little sweet.” He poured more cocktails. “Oh, Kit, why are you being so nasty? Don’t do it, darling. It’s not like you. It’s so unbecoming to you.”
“I know it’s horrible,” she said. “It’s—well, I do it in defense, I suppose, Hobie. If I didn’t say nasty things, I’d cry. I’m afraid to cry; it would take me so long to stop. I—oh, I’m so hurt, dear. I don’t know what to think. All these women. All these awful women. If they were fine, if they were sweet and gentle and intelligent, I shouldn’t mind. Or maybe I should. I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything, any more. My mind goes round and round. I thought what we had was so different. Well—it wasn’t. Sometimes I think it would be better never to see you any more. But then I know I couldn’t stand that. I’m too far gone now. I’d do anything to be with you! And so I’m just another of those women to you. And I used to come first, Hobie—oh, I did! I did!”
“You did!” he said. “And you do!”
“And I always will?” she said.
“And you always will,” he said, “as long as you’ll only be your own self. Please be sweet again, Kit. Like this, darling. Like this, child.”
Again they were close, and again there was no sound.
The telephone rang.
They started as if the same arrow had pierced them. Then the young woman moved slowly back.
“You know,” she said, musingly, “this is my fault. I did this. It was me. I was the one that said let’s meet here, and not at my house. I said it would be quieter, and I had so much I wanted to talk to you about. I said we could be quiet and alone here. Yes, I said that.”
“I give you my word,” he said, “that damn thing hasn’t rung in a week.”
“It was lucky for me, wasn’t it?” she said, “that I happened to be here the last time it did. I am known as Little Miss Horseshoes. Well. Oh, please do answer it, Hobie. It drives me even crazier to have it ring like this.”
“I hope to God,” the young man said, “that it’s a wrong number.” He held her to him, hard. “Darling,” he said. Then he went to the telephone.
“Hello,” he said into the receiver. “Yes? Oh, hello there. How are you, dear—how are you? Oh, did you? Ah, that’s too bad. Why, you see I was out with these friends on my—I was out till quite late. Oh, you did? Oh, that’s too bad, dear, you waited up all that time. No, I did
not
say that, Margot, I said I’d come if I possibly could. That’s exactly what I said. I did so. Well, then you misunderstood me. Well, you must have. Now, there’s no need to be unreasonable about it. Listen, what I said, I said I’d come if it was possible, but I didn’t think there was a chance. If you think hard, you’ll remember, dear. Well, I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t see what you’re making so much fuss about. It was just a misunderstanding, that’s all. Why don’t you calm down and be a good little girl? Won’t you? Why, I can’t tonight, dear. Because I
can’t
. Well, I have a date I’ve had for a long time. Yes. Oh, no, it isn’t anything like that! Oh, now, please, Margot! Margot, please don’t! Now don’t do that! I tell you I won’t be here. All right, come ahead, but I won’t be in. Listen, I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I’ll call you tomorrow, dear. I tell you I won’t be
in,
dear! Please be good. Certainly I do. Look. I have to run now. I’ll call you, dear. ’By.”
not
say that, Margot, I said I’d come if I possibly could. That’s exactly what I said. I did so. Well, then you misunderstood me. Well, you must have. Now, there’s no need to be unreasonable about it. Listen, what I said, I said I’d come if it was possible, but I didn’t think there was a chance. If you think hard, you’ll remember, dear. Well, I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t see what you’re making so much fuss about. It was just a misunderstanding, that’s all. Why don’t you calm down and be a good little girl? Won’t you? Why, I can’t tonight, dear. Because I
can’t
. Well, I have a date I’ve had for a long time. Yes. Oh, no, it isn’t anything like that! Oh, now, please, Margot! Margot, please don’t! Now don’t do that! I tell you I won’t be here. All right, come ahead, but I won’t be in. Listen, I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I’ll call you tomorrow, dear. I tell you I won’t be
in,
dear! Please be good. Certainly I do. Look. I have to run now. I’ll call you, dear. ’By.”
The young man came back to the living-room, and sent his somewhat shaken voice ahead of him.
“How about another cocktail, sweet?” he said. “Don’t you think we really ought—” Through the thickening dark, he saw the young woman. She stood straight and tense. Her fur scarf was knotted about her shoulders, and she was drawing on her second glove.
“What’s this about?” the young man said.
“I’m so sorry,” the young woman said, “but I truly must go home.”
“Oh, really?” he said. “May I ask why?”
“It’s sweet of you,” she said, “to be interested enough to want to know. Thank you so much. Well, it just happens, I can’t stand any more of this. There is somewhere, I think, some proverb about a worm’s eventually turning. It is doubtless from the Arabic. They so often are. Well, good night, Hobie, and thank you so much for those delicious cocktails. They’ve cheered me up wonderfully.”
She held out her hand. He caught it tight in both of his.
“Ah, now listen,” he said. “Please don’t do this, Kit. Please, don’t, darling. Please. This is just the way you were last Wednesday.”
“Yes,” she said. “And for exactly the same reason. Please give me back my hand. Thank you. Well, good night, Hobie, and good luck, always.”
“All right,” he said. “If this is what you want to do.”
“Want to do!” she said. “It’s nothing
I
want. I simply felt it would be rather easier for you if you could be alone, to receive your telephone calls. Surely you cannot blame me for feeling a bit
de trop
.”
I
want. I simply felt it would be rather easier for you if you could be alone, to receive your telephone calls. Surely you cannot blame me for feeling a bit
de trop
.”
“My Lord, do you think I want to talk to those fools?” he said. “What can I do? Take the telephone receiver off? Is that what you want me to do?”
“It’s a good trick of yours,” she said. “I gather that was what you did last Wednesday night, when I kept trying to call you after I’d gone home, when I was in holy agony there.”
“I did not!” he said. “They must have been calling the wrong number. I tell you I was alone here all the time you were gone.”
“So you said,” she said.
“I don’t lie to you, Kit,” he said.
“That,” she said, “is the most outrageous lie you have ever told me. Good night, Hobie.”
Only from the young man’s eyes and voice could his anger be judged. The beautiful scroll of his mouth never straightened. He took her hand and bowed over it.
“Good night, Kit,” he said.
“Good night,” she said. “Well, good night. I’m sorry it must end like this. But if you want other things—well, they’re what you want. You can’t have both them and me. Good night, Hobie.”
“Good night, Kit,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “It does seem too bad. Doesn’t it?”
“It’s what you want,” he said.
“I?” she said. “It’s what
you
do.”
you
do.”
“Oh, Kit, can’t you understand?” he said. “You always used to. Don’t you know how I am? I just say things and do things that don’t mean anything, just for the sake of peace, just for the sake of not having a feud. That’s what gets me in trouble. You don’t have to do it, I know. You’re luckier than I am.”
“Luckier?” she said. “Curious word.”
“Well, stronger, then,” he said. “Finer. Honester. Decenter. All those. Ah, don’t do this, Kit. Please. Please take those things off, and come sit down.”
“Sit down?” she said. “And wait for the ladies to gather?”
“They’re not coming,” he said.
“How do you know?” she said. “They’ve come here before, haven’t they? How do you know they won’t come tonight?”
“I don’t know!” he said. “I don’t know what the hell they’ll do. I don’t know what the hell you’ll do, any more. And I thought you were different!”
“I was different,” she said, “just so long as you thought I was different.”
“Ah, Kit,” he said, “Kit. Darling. Come and be the way we were. Come and be sweet and peaceful. Look. Let’s have a cocktail, just to each other, and then let’s go out to some quiet place for dinner, where we can talk. Will you?”
“Well—” she said. “If you think——”
“I think,” he said.
The telephone rang.
“Oh, my
God
!” shrieked the young woman. “Go answer it, you damned—you damned
stallion
!”
God
!” shrieked the young woman. “Go answer it, you damned—you damned
stallion
!”
She rushed for the door, opened it, and was gone. She was, after all, different. She neither slammed the door nor left it stark open.
The young man stood, and he shook his remarkable head slowly. Slowly, too, he turned and went into the bedroom.
He spoke into the telephone receiver drearily at first, then he seemed to enjoy both hearing and speaking. He used a woman’s name in address. It was not Connie; it was not Evie; it was not Margot. Glowingly he besought the unseen one to meet him; tepidly he agreed to await her coming where he was. He besought her, then, to ring his bell first three times and then twice, for admission. No, no, no, he said, this was not for any reason that might have occurred to her; it was simply that some business friend of his had said something about dropping in, and he wanted to make sure there would be no such intruders. He spoke of his hopes, indeed his assurances, of an evening of sweetness and peace. He said “good-by,” and he said “dear.”
The very good-looking young man hung up the receiver, and looked long at the dial of his wrist-watch, now delicately luminous. He seemed to be calculating. So long for a young woman to reach her home, and fling herself upon her couch, so long for tears, so long for exhaustion, so long for remorse, so long for rising tenderness. Thoughtfully he lifted the receiver from its hook and set it on end upon the little table.
Then he went into the living-room, and sped the dark before the tiny beams that sifted through the little open windows in the panoramas of Paris.
Harper’s Bazaar
, September 1932
, September 1932
A Young Woman in Green Lace
The young man in the sharply cut dinner jacket crossed the filled room and stopped in front of the young woman in green lace and possible pearls. He was, you must have said, a young man of imagination, strength of purpose, and a likable receptivity of the new, for such garments as his do not come about by accident; thought goes into their selection, and time, and both must be backed by a fine self-belief. From the young man’s coat, more surely than from his palm, might be read the ingredients of his character. Whimsy peeped around the lapels of that coat; balance showed in the double march of its buttons; and the color of its material, the dreamy blue of a spring midnight, confessed a deep strain of sentiment. The face above the jacket was neat and spare, and wore, at the moment, a look of pleading.
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