Complete Works of Joseph Conrad (Illustrated) (759 page)

“I haven’t been able to swallow a single morsel thinking of you out here starving yourself in the dark.  It’s positively cruel to be so obstinate.  Think of my sufferings.”

“Don’t care.”

I felt as if I could have done her some violence — shaken her, beaten her maybe.  I said:

“Your absurd behaviour will prevent me coming here any more.”

“What’s that to me?”

“You like it.”

“It’s false,” she snarled.

My hand fell on her shoulder; and if she had flinched I verily believe I would have shaken her.  But there was no movement and this immobility disarmed my anger.

“You do.  Or you wouldn’t be found on the verandah every day.  Why are you here, then?  There are plenty of rooms in the house.  You have your own room to stay in — if you did not want to see me.  But you do.  You know you do.”

I felt a slight shudder under my hand and released my grip as if frightened by that sign of animation in her body.  The scented air of the garden came to us in a warm wave like a voluptuous and perfumed sigh.

“Go back to them,” she whispered, almost pitifully.

As I re-entered the dining-room I saw Jacobus cast down his eyes.  I banged the plate on the table.  At this demonstration of ill-humour he murmured something in an apologetic tone, and I turned on him viciously as if he were accountable to me for these “abominable eccentricities,” I believe I called them.

“But I dare say Miss Jacobus here is responsible for most of this offensive manner,” I added loftily.

She piped out at once in her brazen, ruffianly manner:

“Eh?  Why don’t you leave us in peace, my good fellow?”

I was astonished that she should dare before Jacobus.  Yet what could he have done to repress her?  He needed her too much.  He raised a heavy, drowsy glance for an instant, then looked down again.  She insisted with shrill finality:

“Haven’t you done your business, you two?  Well, then — ”

She had the true Jacobus impudence, that old woman.  Her mop of iron-grey hair was parted, on the side like a man’s, raffishly, and she made as if to plunge her fork into it, as she used to do with the knitting-needle, but refrained.  Her little black eyes sparkled venomously.  I turned to my host at the head of the table — menacingly as it were.

“Well, and what do you say to that, Jacobus?  Am I to take it that we have done with each other?”

I had to wait a little.  The answer when it came was rather unexpected, and in quite another spirit than the question.

“I certainly think we might do some business yet with those potatoes of mine, Captain.  You will find that — ”

I cut him short.

“I’ve told you before that I don’t trade.”

His broad chest heaved without a sound in a noiseless sigh.

“Think it over, Captain,” he murmured, tenacious and tranquil; and I burst into a jarring laugh, remembering how he had stuck to the circus-rider woman — the depth of passion under that placid surface, which even cuts with a riding-whip (so the legend had it) could never raffle into the semblance of a storm; something like the passion of a fish would be if one could imagine such a thing as a passionate fish.

That evening I experienced more distinctly than ever the sense of moral discomfort which always attended me in that house lying under the ban of all “decent” people.  I refused to stay on and smoke after dinner; and when I put my hand into the thickly-cushioned palm of Jacobus, I said to myself that it would be for the last time under his roof.  I pressed his bulky paw heartily nevertheless.  Hadn’t he got me out of a serious difficulty?  To the few words of acknowledgment I was bound, and indeed quite willing, to utter, he answered by stretching his closed lips in his melancholy, glued-together smile.

“That will be all right, I hope, Captain,” he breathed out weightily.

“What do you mean?” I asked, alarmed.  “That your brother might yet — ”

“Oh, no,” he reassured me.  “He . . . he’s a man of his word, Captain.”

My self-communion as I walked away from his door, trying to believe that this was for the last time, was not satisfactory.  I was aware myself that I was not sincere in my reflections as to Jacobus’s motives, and, of course, the very next day I went back again.

How weak, irrational, and absurd we are!  How easily carried away whenever our awakened imagination brings us the irritating hint of a desire!  I cared for the girl in a particular way, seduced by the moody expression of her face, by her obstinate silences, her rare, scornful words; by the perpetual pout of her closed lips, the black depths of her fixed gaze turned slowly upon me as if in contemptuous provocation, only to be averted next moment with an exasperating indifference.

Of course the news of my assiduity had spread all over the little town.  I noticed a change in the manner of my acquaintances and even something different in the nods of the other captains, when meeting them at the landing-steps or in the offices where business called me.  The old-maidish head clerk treated me with distant punctiliousness and, as it were, gathered his skirts round him for fear of contamination.  It seemed to me that the very niggers on the quays turned to look after me as I passed; and as to Jacobus’s boatman his “Good-night, sah!” when he put me on board was no longer merely cordial — it had a familiar, confidential sound as though we had been partners in some villainy.

My friend S- the elder passed me on the other side of the street with a wave of the hand and an ironic smile.  The younger brother, the one they had married to an elderly shrew, he, on the strength of an older friendship and as if paying a debt of gratitude, took the liberty to utter a word of warning.

“You’re doing yourself no good by your choice of friends, my dear chap,” he said with infantile gravity.

As I knew that the meeting of the brothers Jacobus was the subject of excited comment in the whole of the sugary Pearl of the Ocean I wanted to know why I was blamed.

“I have been the occasion of a move which may end in a reconciliation surely desirable from the point of view of the proprieties — don’t you know?”

“Of course, if that girl were disposed of it would certainly facilitate — ” he mused sagely, then, inconsequential creature, gave me a light tap on the lower part of my waistcoat.  “You old sinner,” he cried jovially, “much you care for proprieties.  But you had better look out for yourself, you know, with a personage like Jacobus who has no sort of reputation to lose.”

He had recovered his gravity of a respectable citizen by that time and added regretfully:

“All the women of our family are perfectly scandalised.”

But by that time I had given up visiting the S- family and the D- family.  The elder ladies pulled such faces when I showed myself, and the multitude of related young ladies received me with such a variety of looks: wondering, awed, mocking (except Miss Mary, who spoke to me and looked at me with hushed, pained compassion as though I had been ill), that I had no difficulty in giving them all up.  I would have given up the society of the whole town, for the sake of sitting near that girl, snarling and superb and barely clad in that flimsy, dingy, amber wrapper, open low at the throat.  She looked, with the wild wisps of hair hanging down her tense face, as though she had just jumped out of bed in the panic of a fire.

She sat leaning on her elbow, looking at nothing.  Why did she stay listening to my absurd chatter?  And not only that; but why did she powder her face in preparation for my arrival?  It seemed to be her idea of making a toilette, and in her untidy negligence a sign of great effort towards personal adornment.

But I might have been mistaken.  The powdering might have been her daily practice and her presence in the verandah a sign of an indifference so complete as to take no account of my existence.  Well, it was all one to me.

I loved to watch her slow changes of pose, to look at her long immobilities composed in the graceful lines of her body, to observe the mysterious narrow stare of her splendid black eyes, somewhat long in shape, half closed, contemplating the void.  She was like a spellbound creature with the forehead of a goddess crowned by the dishevelled magnificent hair of a gipsy tramp.  Even her indifference was seductive.  I felt myself growing attached to her by the bond of an irrealisable desire, for I kept my head — quite.  And I put up with the moral discomfort of Jacobus’s sleepy watchfulness, tranquil, and yet so expressive; as if there had been a tacit pact between us two.  I put up with the insolence of the old woman’s: “Aren’t you ever going to leave us in peace, my good fellow?” with her taunts; with her brazen and sinister scolding.  She was of the true Jacobus stock, and no mistake.

Directly I got away from the girl I called myself many hard names.  What folly was this?  I would ask myself.  It was like being the slave of some depraved habit.  And I returned to her with my head clear, my heart certainly free, not even moved by pity for that castaway (she was as much of a castaway as any one ever wrecked on a desert island), but as if beguiled by some extraordinary promise.  Nothing more unworthy could be imagined.  The recollection of that tremulous whisper when I gripped her shoulder with one hand and held a plate of chicken with the other was enough to make me break all my good resolutions.

Her insulting taciturnity was enough sometimes to make one gnash one’s teeth with rage.  When she opened her mouth it was only to be abominably rude in harsh tones to the associate of her reprobate father; and the full approval of her aged relative was conveyed to her by offensive chuckles.  If not that, then her remarks, always uttered in the tone of scathing contempt, were of the most appalling inanity.

How could it have been otherwise?  That plump, ruffianly Jacobus old maid in the tight grey frock had never taught her any manners.  Manners I suppose are not necessary for born castaways.  No educational establishment could ever be induced to accept her as a pupil — on account of the proprieties, I imagine.  And Jacobus had not been able to send her away anywhere.  How could he have done it?  Who with?  Where to?  He himself was not enough of an adventurer to think of settling down anywhere else.  His passion had tossed him at the tail of a circus up and down strange coasts, but, the storm over, he had drifted back shamelessly where, social outcast as he was, he remained still a Jacobus — one of the oldest families on the island, older than the French even.  There must have been a Jacobus in at the death of the last Dodo. . . . The girl had learned nothing, she had never listened to a general conversation, she knew nothing, she had heard of nothing.  She could read certainly; but all the reading matter that ever came in her way were the newspapers provided for the captains’ room of the “store.”  Jacobus had the habit of taking these sheets home now and then in a very stained and ragged condition.

As her mind could not grasp the meaning of any matters treated there except police-court reports and accounts of crimes, she had formed for herself a notion of the civilised world as a scene of murders, abductions, burglaries, stabbing affrays, and every sort of desperate violence.  England and France, Paris and London (the only two towns of which she seemed to have heard), appeared to her sinks of abomination, reeking with blood, in contrast to her little island where petty larceny was about the standard of current misdeeds, with, now and then, some more pronounced crime — and that only amongst the imported coolie labourers on sugar estates or the negroes of the town.  But in Europe these things were being done daily by a wicked population of white men amongst whom, as that ruffianly, aristocratic old Miss Jacobus pointed out, the wandering sailors, the associates of her precious papa, were the lowest of the low.

It was impossible to give her a sense of proportion.  I suppose she figured England to herself as about the size of the Pearl of the Ocean; in which case it would certainly have been reeking with gore and a mere wreck of burgled houses from end to end.  One could not make her understand that these horrors on which she fed her imagination were lost in the mass of orderly life like a few drops of blood in the ocean.  She directed upon me for a moment the uncomprehending glance of her narrowed eyes and then would turn her scornful powdered face away without a word.  She would not even take the trouble to shrug her shoulders.

At that time the batches of papers brought by the last mail reported a series of crimes in the East End of London, there was a sensational case of abduction in France and a fine display of armed robbery in Australia.  One afternoon crossing the dining-room I heard Miss Jacobus piping in the verandah with venomous animosity: “I don’t know what your precious papa is plotting with that fellow.  But he’s just the sort of man who’s capable of carrying you off far away somewhere and then cutting your throat some day for your money.”

There was a good half of the length of the verandah between their chairs.  I came out and sat down fiercely midway between them.

“Yes, that’s what we do with girls in Europe,” I began in a grimly matter-of-fact tone.  I think Miss Jacobus was disconcerted by my sudden appearance.  I turned upon her with cold ferocity:

“As to objectionable old women, they are first strangled quietly, then cut up into small pieces and thrown away, a bit here and a bit there.  They vanish — ”

I cannot go so far as to say I had terrified her.  But she was troubled by my truculence, the more so because I had been always addressing her with a politeness she did not deserve.  Her plump, knitting hands fell slowly on her knees.  She said not a word while I fixed her with severe determination.  Then as I turned away from her at last, she laid down her work gently and, with noiseless movements, retreated from the verandah.  In fact, she vanished.

But I was not thinking of her.  I was looking at the girl.  It was what I was coming for daily; troubled, ashamed, eager; finding in my nearness to her a unique sensation which I indulged with dread, self-contempt, and deep pleasure, as if it were a secret vice bound to end in my undoing, like the habit of some drug or other which ruins and degrades its slave.

I looked her over, from the top of her dishevelled head, down the lovely line of the shoulder, following the curve of the hip, the draped form of the long limb, right down to her fine ankle below a torn, soiled flounce; and as far as the point of the shabby, high-heeled, blue slipper, dangling from her well-shaped foot, which she moved slightly, with quick, nervous jerks, as if impatient of my presence.  And in the scent of the massed flowers I seemed to breathe her special and inexplicable charm, the heady perfume of the everlastingly irritated captive of the garden.