Compulsive (Liar #1) (17 page)

“Thanks…I think.” I put my arm around her and pulled
her in for a squeeze.

The three of us spent the next hour snuggled against
each other watching a top chef make French Onion Croque Madame as I dozed in
and out of consciousness. I thought back to my earlier conversation with
Daniel.
One step at a time.
This wasn’t a new beginning, but a start
nonetheless.

--------------------------

Four identical brown eyes glared at me from across a small round
kitchen table. My divorcee aunts waited impatiently for me to impart the news I
prompted them with over the phone. It was time to relieve myself of the burden
of Harvey’s secret, and if I had enough nerve, the lie I told about Harvey.

“So?” Barb said, snapping her gum at me. “What’s the
big news? Are we going to be great aunts?” She snickered, and Becca nudged her
with an elbow.

“Funny,” I said, unaffected. I’d learned a long time
ago how not to let them get to me. And this new incongruence among the sisters
was a warm reminder of how Becca had changed. What I’d seen from her recently
reminded me of my mother some. That was a mini miracle to be thankful for. “Here.”
I slid my phone across the table to Becca. “This is why I came.”

“What is it?” Barb asked.

Becca’s brows turned down toward her nose. “Looks like
a bankbook with entries in Harvey’s writing.”

“That’s exactly what it is.”

She looked up at me, her head shaking that look of
hard disappointment I’d seen dozens of times before. “Why do you have it?”

Her tone cut through me, my lips parted. “I, I found
it when we were at the house that night to get some of your stuff.” I took my
eyes over her shoulder and to the kitchen window. Then, I sucked it up and brought
them right back. “It was hidden under that tree by the TV. I snapped a quick
picture of it just in case.”

“‘In case’ what? What the hell, Gray?” Barb said. “We
could have used that for leverage in the settlement.”

“Hey, this is about me.” Becca said. “Look, I’m not
happy about this either, but I got a fair settlement. I’m happy to be rid of
him.” The phone came back my way along with a questioning stare. “Why didn’t
you show me this sooner?”

“I guess I was afraid. I thought if you tried to use
it against him and he came after you, something horrible would happen. I mean,
look at what he did the last time. Maybe the cops would have been carrying you
out on a stretcher instead of you walking out on your own. Or worse.”

“And let me guess…you thought you could handle
Harvey?” Barb chimed in.

“In a way, yeah.” I straightened in my seat, standing
my ground. “And maybe I did
handle
him. It worked out in the end. He
gave you what you wanted.”

“What did you do?” Becca asked.

“I gave him a little reminder that night the cops were
there.”

Recollection hit before she spoke. “Was that why you
did that whole bathroom bit?”

“Yep. I’d dumped his little book in the toilet that
day before we left.”

Barb smiled and nodded, finally finding something to
approve of while Becca sighed and shook her head. “Always playing with fire,
Gray. Are things ever going to change with you?”

“I’m working on it.” I hesitated, but my face must
have given me away, because they both watched me eagerly. “There is one more
thing.”

“God, do I even want to hear this?”

I assumed the boulder in my stomach and accelerated
pulse emulated that of a child confessing to her parents, something foreign to
me. “I never saw Harvey with LuAnn. I only said that because he’s an asshole,
and he’s got his eyes on every pair of tits within viewing range.”

She opened her mouth to speak, but I attempted to
plead my case further. “And I certainly had my suspicions. She had been
commenting on Veronica Spago’s Facebook page that she was seeing a married
guy.”

Barb looked at her twin expectantly, but Becca shook
her down. “Whatever,” Barb said. “I’ve had enough of the drama. I’m going to
shower and fantasize about the guy in three ten.”

A tiny grin materialized on Becca’s face as her sister
exited the room. “He’s a tax accountant, but he works out…a lot.”

“Why do you not seem mad? Or surprised for that
matter?”

She reached across the table and placed her hand over
mine, the feeling every bit like a mother, as I’d ever known. “Gray, honey.
That’s because I’m neither. I should be pissed as hell that you lied to me. Considering
I knew from the beginning and let it go this far, I can’t see how that’s fair.”

I lifted my dropped jaw from the table. “Why didn’t
you say something?”

“We both know I needed and wanted that push. Gray, you
and I understand each other a lot better than you think.” The wood chair
scraped across the tile, startling me. Gripped by the look on her face, I waited
as she rose and came to take the seat next to me. “Given our history, I won’t
blame you if you think this is a load of crap. But…you’re the closest thing to
a daughter I have.”

I swallowed back a laugh, but the look in her eyes
sobered it away. “God, Becca.”

“I haven’t been there for you like I know Sara would
have wanted.”

“Becca, you’re not that much older than me. I’m sure
she didn’t expect you to step in as my mother.”

“I know, but Barb and I were terrible to you even
after our sister died.” She flipped her head up in the direction of the
bedroom. “Don’t expect much from her, but I hope you’ve seen that I’ve been
trying harder lately.”

I nodded and then summoned my voice. “I have.” How did
I deserve this killing me with kindness treatment? I couldn’t help but think I
was in one of Daniel’s therapy sessions.

“I know it wasn’t easy for you to come to me with
this, but I’m glad you did.”

Before I realized it was happening, Becca pulled me to
her. A hand landed gently on the back of my head, and as awkward as I felt
inside, I let it happen. An unintelligible feeling welled inside me. Though I
tried to put my finger on whether it was love or guilt or sadness, I welcomed
it. Because whatever it was, it didn’t hurt.

“And I’m so proud of you for going to therapy and
finally getting some help.”

Wait. What
? I pulled out of her embrace, faced
with a look of fear. “How did you know that?”

“Oh…your dad told me. I hope that’s okay.”

“No, actually it’s not.” I got up from the table,
shocked out of the warm fuzzies, searching my brain for a reason why it wasn’t
okay because the hot flash on my face told me I was headed toward getting pissed.
A bag of cookies on the counter called me for salvation. “And who told him?”
Disgusted with the generic chocolate chip offering, I plucked one from the bag
anyway. “Oh, it was Evyn, right?”

“Yes. You know he and I have been getting closer, too.
Just as family…friends, so don’t freak out. We both want you to find some
peace.”

I stuffed the subpar treat into my mouth and gave her
my most skeptical gaze.

“What do you want me to say, Gray? How many years has
it been? It’s time you let it go.” She stood and came toward me. I braced for
another hug, but she bypassed me for the cookies. “We’ve all made mistakes. We
all need forgiveness. Even you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. These cookies suck,” she said with a
mouthful.

“You’re right…about everything. I shouldn’t be upset,
considering I came here to confess my crimes.”

“So…are we good?”

“We’re good.”

“And what about Henry? Will you at least talk to him?
Spend some time getting to know him again?”

I paused, trying to imagine communicating with my dad
for longer than our usual five minutes every six months. He seemed to be a
stranger to me now. I’d made it this far without him, so the prospect lacked
appeal. Becca cut in again, her tone harsher. “You know, you were just a kid.
Things aren’t always like they seem. Sometimes when people grow up, that’s when
they realize the reality of situations.”

“Situations?” All of these vague insinuations added to
the weight of my guilt and didn’t bode well for my supposed new attitude. “How
about you stop with the innuendos and give me some specifics? Are you saying he
should have
won Father of the Year? That my dead brother would
not
still be alive if it weren’t for him?”

“Don’t do this, Gray. Please.” She closed the cookies
and walked them to the trash. “It’s not my place to talk to you about this.”

“You talk to Henry plenty, though.”

“Some. But, if I talk to you, then I’m in the middle,
and that won’t help either of you.”

I sighed, understanding her side. “I know. And I’ve
caused you enough problems.”

She slipped an arm around my shoulders. “The way I see
it, you relieved me of my biggest one.”

“Damn right.”

“Promise me one thing. Give this some serious thought.
Talk to him. Listen to what he has to say and remember…we all have things we
wish we could take back. We’d all like to be forgiven for our mistakes.”

* * *

A text arrived from Daniel as I walked in the door to confirm I’d still
be making our session the next day. I waited to reply, so I could think about
what I’d say. Should I tell him I planned to talk with my father? I would have
to be doing it for myself, though Daniel’s approval would be an added bonus. I didn’t
have enough faith that I’d go through with it, so I decided to keep that to
myself for the time being. Then, there was the crushing fear of losing Daniel
once this whole thing ended. What did that word even mean?
Losing
.
Daniel wasn’t mine, or at least not the way I wanted him. Push too hard and
he’d probably retreat farther. At the same time, I wished he could see how my
heart beat faster whenever he was near and how my breathing labored when his
eyes fell on mine. Or, that having him in my life made me try to be a better
person. No matter what he said, it wasn’t because he was my therapist. I’d
known it from the first moment I saw him holding that damn screwdriver in his
office. The thought of his tall, firm build hovering over my body had been
permanently burned into every fantasy I’d had since I met him. God, he’d
probably have thought I was a serious mental case if I told him any of that. A
final thought before I replied…I should grow a pair and call him out for those
sketches. None of those important little details traveled from my brain to my
digits.

I’ll be there, Daniel. I wanted to say thank you
again for the other night. Obviously, it was above and beyond
.

You don’t have to thank me. I was doing what I
wanted to do.

Well, whatever your reasons, I appreciate it. And
our talk gave me a lot to think about.

I’m glad to hear that. Try not to worry about
anything but finding some closure and some peace. Just know that I’m here for
you no matter what. I’m here, Gray.

I replied with a smiley face and a
see you tomorrow
because I couldn’t think of anything else to say that hadn’t already been said.
A short time later, my phone pinged once again.

One day at a time.

Then, I smiled for real.

--------------------------

He gave the waitress a friendly smile before she led him to a table in
the back corner of the bustling coffee shop. I stayed a bit longer, pressed to
the window like a beggar waiting for scraps.
We all deserve forgiveness
.
Becca’s words rang in my head as I observed my father check his phone, drink
water, and glance around the room nervously. Forgiveness wasn’t the sole issue.
My dad was always the mountain, and I was the volcano. He stubbornly stood his
ground, and I erupted, erratically and without warning. But, whether or not we
would get along shouldn’t be a reason not to reconcile. So, I ducked my head
and made my way to the front door.

By the time I’d reached the table, Dad pushed his
chair back, as if he were getting up to leave.

“Leaving already?” I said, surprised how timid my
voice sounded.

He retreated back into his seat. “Oh…no. Hello, Gray.”
He pointed to the chair across from him. “Thank you for coming.”

“I believe I invited you.” I grinned at him and sat,
already rethinking the place I’d chosen and brushing the crumbs from in front
of my space.

“That’s right.” He chuckled. “But, I was starting to
get the feeling you wouldn’t show up.”

“Sorry…I know I’m a little late. I would have called,
but I was actually on the phone. It was work.” My insides flinched at my failed
start.

The waitress appeared immediately after me, and we
both ordered coffee. The atmosphere was cold and white, more like a hospital
than a place to eat. But, it sat central to each of us, and it would keep us
both from getting too comfortable. Still, I removed my sweater to alleviate the
nervous heat coming off my skin.

“You always hated coffee,” I said, checking for his
reaction.

“I didn’t hate it…I just never drank it.”

“Lots more choices back then?”

“Something like that. Now I stick to coffee, tea, or soda.”
It was his turn to check for my reaction. Like two alley cats, leery and
protective.

“I’m glad to hear that. How long?”

“Two years last June.”

Ironically, Dad and I had attended AA meetings around
the same time. Separately and with different results. Becca had given me
updates, even though I hadn’t asked for them. The words,
I’m proud of you,
Dad
popped into my head, but I didn’t say them. I hadn’t recalled them ever
spoken to me. The silence spoke of two strangers who didn’t know how to act or
what to say.

“So…you hear the divorce is final?”

“Yep.”

“Thank God she’s rid of that prick.”

My eyes widened. It had been ages since I’d seen a
reaction like that from him.

“Sorry,” he said with his voice and his expression.

“No need. He was a prick.”

After short laughter from both of us, more awkward
silence ensued. It broke when the waitress delivered our coffees. “That’s a
beautiful watch,” the middle-aged blonde said to my dad. “You don’t see them worn
as much anymore, but I just love when a man wears a watch.”

“Thank you.” His eyes darted to me before turning back
to the server. “It was a very special gift from my wife.”

“She’s a lucky woman,” she said with a smile before
walking off.

Neither of us corrected her, given he’d left off the
word
late
.

“Did I know that, or did I forget?”

“What? The watch?”

I nodded.

Dad folded his arms, stared down at the watch, and exhaled
a deep breath. “I’m not sure. Seems like you’d remember this story if you heard
it.”

“Why’s that?”

A smile took over his face as he leaned forward. He
rested his forearms on the table and touched the watch with his other hand.
Then he looked up, his eyes alight with something. “When your brother was
born…when we lost your mom, it was all I could do to just breathe. Losing the
love of your life is devastating enough, but being responsible for a new life
at the same time is damn near insanity.”

The direction this conversation took so abruptly had
my fight and flight responses sparring for control. More than not wanting to
fail or give up, I needed to hear this story of my mother. My expression must
have given me away. “Should I continue?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. Yes, please continue.”

“Well, your grandma kept nagging me about going
through Sara’s belongings. Said she wanted some things for herself and for the
girls, and that if I didn’t do it soon, she would. So, one day she took you and
Noah to the park, and I started packing some of her stuff in boxes. I found a
wrapped present in the back of the closet behind her side of the clothes.” He
shook his head with a genuine smile I hadn’t recognized or I’d forgotten
existed. Baby blue eyes glistened from behind his slitted lids. “I opened the
box and found this watch. There was a card, too…” His voice quivered. His eyes
watered.

“What did it say?” I whispered.

“It said, ‘
You’ll always be my main man
.’”

My eyes welled up while I swallowed to stave off the
forming lump. “That sounds like something she would say.” My heart ached, not
for the mother I barely knew, but for a man who’d loved a great woman and lost
her tragically.

“Anyway,” he said, flopping to the back of his seat.
“I take good care of it, wear it when I go out. Never wore it when I was onsite
during construction to keep it safe. Which is probably why you didn’t see it
much.”

“Probably.” His words hadn’t caught up to me; my mind
still lingered on my parents. A young couple in love and planning for a beautiful
future.

We both drank our coffee, quiet and content, savoring
a rare delicate moment. I examined the distinguished gray streaks in the hair
that once was jet black. The deep lines around his eyes and mouth, many of
which I claim responsibility for, portrayed a man older than his forty-nine
years. And his wiry frame lacked the strength my memory conjured up when I
thought back.

“Gray, I don’t know exactly where you see this going,
but I’m glad you called. And no matter what has happened, all I’ve ever wanted
was for you to be happy.”

“I know.” The words came out before I determined
whether or not they were true.

“We’ve wasted a lot of years.” He shook his head in
sadness. When my eyes flared, he turned away.

“You mean
I
wasted a lot of years?”

“No.” He panned back to me, brows pulling close. “That’s
not what I meant at all. I made mistakes…too many to count.”

“We all have.”

His chest rose as he drew in a breath. “You know, Gray…Noah—”

“Please…I.”

His mouth stayed opened. Confusion played on his face.

“I know this was my idea, and eventually, I think we
could talk about everything. Right now, I want to take it slow.” I took my gaze
around the room. “And this place isn’t exactly family therapy friendly.”

His head bobbed with understanding. “Ahh. That’s why
you picked this prime establishment.”

“That could be.” I gave him a smile that sought
forgiveness. “More importantly, someone very wise told me to take things one
step at a time.”

“Good advice.” He returned my gesture with a smile of
his own. “You know, Gray. You look more like your mother every day.”

* * *

My legs shot me down the corridor toward Daniel’s office, filled with
anticipation and elation. Thoughts of rejection or disappointment brushed to
the side, I focused on seeing his gorgeously inspiring face and telling him the
steps I’d taken since our night together.

Seeing the door ajar, I paused in case he had someone
in there with him. He sat in the chair he typically used during our sessions,
but no other seats were filled. I followed his forlorn gaze toward the window,
the place I sought my own solace so many times before. Even from across the
room, I sensed Daniel was distraught. It moved me to act. “What’s wrong?” I
pushed the door open and went to his side.

He appeared stunned when he turned to me. “Oh…” He
glanced back to the clock on the wall. “You’re early.” He rose from the chair,
removing the black spectacles I hadn’t noticed and looking anything but a Superman.
“No problem, we can get started now.”

Determined to get through to him, I planted my feet in
the middle of the room. “Daniel, something’s wrong. Talk to me.”

He waited at his desk, like somehow the distance would
be safer. “Thank you, Gray. But you’ve got—”

“Don’t you dare say it,” I shot over his sentence.
Pacing over to him, I continued. “I’m not a basket case, and I’m not a piece of
glass. I can help you. The way you helped me.”

“That’s different. It’s my job.”

“You did
not
just say that to me.” I turned my
hurtful eyes from his.

“God, Gray. You know I didn’t mean that.” His fingers
brushed under my chin and turned my head back to him. “Look at me.” His voice
was soft, but resolute. “I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay. If you don’t want to tell me I understand.
But, we don’t have to meet now. Why don’t we reschedule?” I continued with the
charade by pulling my phone from my purse.

His hand landed on my wrist. “Jessie’s back in the
hospital. It’s pretty bad this time.”

“God, Daniel. No. I’m sorry.” It was all I could do
not to take him in my arms, anything to ease his pain.

He shuffled by me and over to close the door I’d left
open. “It happened so fast. She seemed to be getting better.”

I waited, following his path over to the window. “Why
did they let her go back to school?” The frustration in his voice was palpable.
“Dammit! She wasn’t ready.”

I inched up behind him, almost touching the fabric of
his thick, long-sleeved shirt with my cheek. “You know, she really is a very
strong girl.” My hand reached over to his, grazing against the top, testing his
responsiveness.

“I know. She’s a fighter, but this disease is a
killer.”

Both my heart and hand lingered, waiting for his
acceptance. “If there’s anything I can do…”

His hands snuck inside his pockets as he pivoted to
face me. “I think it would be best to try not to worry and focus on why we’re
here. Please, have a seat.”

There was no sense fighting his brave front. Daniel
had the wheel at this point. “Okay, but if you have to leave at any time,
please, don’t worry about me.”

We eased into our usual spots, exchanging cautious
glances and tight smiles. Something felt off, besides the obvious bad news.
Then, it dawned on me. “No notepad today?”

“I don’t think it’s necessary at this point.”

Whatever the hell that meant didn’t sit well with me.
My stomach turned. “Oh.” If that were the brush off he’d been waiting to
deliver, the wound would be significant.

“Gray, you know your allotted sessions are almost
through. We haven’t really discussed how things would go moving forward. We can
do that now if you like.”

“No, let’s wait on that. I’d like to talk about
something else.”

“What is it?”

“I saw my father today.”

Daniel’s genuine smile told me I wouldn’t be getting
the shrink’s response of “How do you feel about that?” His head bobbed at me
first, examining the expression I offered. “You seem very at ease with it. I’m
happy for you that you’ve taken that step.”

“Thank you. I don’t know if or when I’d have done that
without your help.”

“Is there anything specific you want to share about
the meeting?”

“He told me a great story about my mother that I’d
love to share with you someday.”

“That’d be nice.”

“The only thing is…” I didn’t think Daniel would be
disappointed in me, but the admission still pained me. “He tried to talk about
Noah, and I wouldn’t let him.”

“I see. Why is that?”

“I’m not sure.” I quickly corrected after a jolt of
panic hit me. “Wait, that’s not true.” My head dropped toward my lap. I picked
at a random fingernail. “After Noah’s death, I screamed at my father any time
he mentioned his name. I couldn’t even talk about him until I was in my teens. I’d
throw fits or threaten to hurt myself. One time, not long after he died, we
were in the kitchen. He accidentally said his name because of some old cup of
his he found in a cupboard. I took a knife from the drawer and slid it across
the top of my arm drawing blood. We both froze, unable to believe what I’d just
done.” I paused and looked up, in desperate need of Daniel’s face. It was then
that I realized I’d replaced the window with Daniel. He was my solace now.

“I can see there’s still a lot of pain there, Gray.
It’s going to be difficult the first time you make that conscious decision to
discuss your brother, but I promise you, it will get easier from there.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

“Because I know you. And when you’re ready to do it,
you will. And when you do it, you’re going to be strong enough to handle it. I
can see it in you now already…here, today.”

His steady confidence in my strength had me rapt with
every word. When he finished, I stared at him in stunned silence. Daniel’s
phone sounded behind us, coming from his desk.

“I’m sorry. Excuse me.” He rushed to the desk,
mumbling something about telling Rita he’d leave his ringer on.

“It’s okay,” I said, knowing he probably wasn’t
listening. I bolted up and over to him, the worry in his face gripping my
chest.

“Rita...wait…I can’t make out what you’re saying, sis.”
His eyes locked in on mine, pained and pleading. “Okay, I’m on my way.”

Daniel clicked his phone off and pushed it into his
pocket like it weighed twenty pounds. A helpless confusion started at his face
and pulled his tall frame toward earth. “Jessie slipped into a coma.”

Our bodies pulled together like two magnets, our arms
swinging swiftly around each other. “I’m so sorry, Daniel.” My anguished heart
pounded against his chest. I sent a silent prayer that Daniel and his family
never feel the pain of staring down at a helpless and lifeless child.